28 May, 2008

In the Imogen of God

It seems that there is a secret wannabe-WAG who has been running black-ops undercover behind enemy lines for a couple of years now trying to collect as full a set of Premier League spunk as possible. We know of plenty of tarts like Danielle Lloyd who have been passed around a couple of studs, but this fine filly has now been done by five players that we know of in just over three years. Her range of selection too is bizarre to say the least; they are myriad ages, ethnicities, looks, kudos and fame ratings. The name of this stealthy scrumpet is Imogen Thomas, in case you didn’t recognize her from the above classy photo, and she predictably was in Big Brother a few years ago now. Since then she’s being doing the usual. You know, getting her cans out in Zoo, trying to make pop videos, and appearing at various pointless film premieres in full character costume.

Things took a slow start for Imogen back in 2005, when the first footballer to hit the back of her net (sorry) was glamorous ex-Swansea player Lee Trundle, but unfortunately the coupling wasn’t to be as Imogen’s ambition took her up the food chain. The former Miss Wales became apparently very close pals with recent double-winning captain Rio Ferdinand somehow, and properly cut her footballer-screwing teeth with mid-30s ladies man Dwight Yorke. The busty beauty seduced the ailing striker after meeting him at a hotel in March 2006, and he was understandably bowled over by the attention, but sensitive Imogen ended it quickly after realising he could not progress her career enough. A gal pal told The Daily Star at the time: “Dwight was upset about it. Imogen is sex-mad and loves showing off her perfect size-10 figure. She had a lot of fun with Dwight but dumped him because he wasn't that famous anymore.”

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Things took an upward turn soon after however, when she fell underneath an up-and-coming young player by the name of Cristiano Ronaldo, just before entering the Big Brother house. The pair got together when the Man United superstar partied at the Sanderson Hotel's VIP Purple bar, a favourite haunt for footballers when sojourning in London. Imogen flirted shamelessly with the then-21-year-old while serving drinks to him and his friends, before Ronaldo took the hint and invited her to his suite where the pair enjoyed a wild night of spanking and chicken grease. A different gal pal told The Sunvertisement at the time: “Imogen's interest in Ronaldo was purely sexual - she's a rampant man-eater. She's always had a thing for footballers and just couldn't resist him.” She continued: “(Imogen) worked at that hotel because it's a popular hangout for celebrities and she's desperate to progress her career.” This all isn’t creating too positive a view of Ms Thomas, as outrageous cynicism to get a career off the ground isn’t exactly something to praise. It’s pretty cheap to just throw yourself at footballers who are ‘famous enough,’ but sadly it hasn’t exactly worked has it?

A couple of years in the wilderness followed before late last year Imogen was back in the tabloids with a another footballer. And quite a strange choice too; Reading’s man-mountain of a central defender, Ibrahim Sonko. Quite how this pair got together, or what they did for that matter, is beyond me, but the simplest explanation seems to be that a comic friend told Imogen that Sonko was someone else. Explaining the inevitable break-up a month later, she told The Mirror: “Ibrahim’s great and we’ve been having great fun for the two-and-a-half months we’ve been together but I am an independent woman and I make my own money. He knows that and respects it.” While this seems to suggest a strange pimp-ho relationship, the pair apparently parted on good terms, and are often now regularly seen enjoying coffee and shopping trips together in the Berkshire hot-spot.

Fast-forward to the present day, and Imogen has finally swallowed her pride and done the sensible thing in the eternal struggle to become a WAG: given Chanelle and Chantelle a call. The hot threesome went out on the sauce over the weekend to new honey pot Movida, where once again, the two Chans went home alone, but Imogen managed to catch prime young Mexican import Nevy Castillo, who has yet to really make an impact at Manchester City, but clearly scored well enough on the fame-scale to slide in between Ms Thomas’ pins. Looking a little worse for wear, Castillo seemed to have little say in the night’s proceedings, but hey, some of us like that once in a while.

You’ll be pleased to hear that we didn’t let the night pass without getting a quick comment from STT-favourite Chanelle however, who seemed on great form celebrating the apathetic response to her genre-defining debut single. “To be able to go on iTunes and download my own song is a massive achievement for me. But I'm taking it slowly,” she slurred. Offering one of the best quotes in recent memory, she then lamented: “I've been putting everything into my music…I've even had to put my plans for a boob job on hold because I can't afford to take three weeks off!” What a tough life Chan, even if others don’t, we feel for you. Alas Chantelle was unavailable for comment on the night, she reportedly had to get home early to finish off her quantum physics thesis.

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