Despite having some truly unpleasant pricks (not to mention a whole gaggle of brain-donors) in their midst, I’m starting to think that maybe I do really wanna go out on the sauce with Chelsea. Last month, after beating Fenerbahce to set-up the meeting with Liverpool, they invited rent-a-holes Chanelle and Chantelle out with them to celebrate, but this week they decided to just cut out the middle man, so to speak, and partied with porn queen Jenna Jameson. The good news for Jenna fans is that she finally looks healthy again after somewhat of a scare last year that saw her rapidly drop weight and develop a weird droopy face, raising fears that she might have the dreaded bug. Turns out though that all she needed was another good bit of plastic surgery and a couple of Cosmopolitans.
The jubilant players went straight down to Chinawhite after the victory then, with JT, Michael Essien and Soloman Kalou all looking sharp as they got down with other allegedly famous luminaries such as Joe Swash from Eastenders, as well as injured Spurs captain Ledley King. Sorry to shatter many illusions out there, but unfortunately not all porn stars are actually insatiable nymphomaniacs, so presumably once each of the Chelsea stars had had their inevitable crack at the delectable Ms Jameson, they decided to cut their losses, and revert to type by inviting a load of Page-3 tarts along for the celebratory ride too. As such, lads’ mag favourites Emma B and Jay Nicholls were out in force, along with Britain’s Next Top Model contestant Danielle Mason. Now I can only assume the first two put out easily because they both have faces like a box of smashed crabs, but Ms Mason gets a pass for actually being a looker.
As ever though, the girls were left ultimately unfulfilled due to Ashley Cole’s continued absence from night outs, having been kept under lock and key at home with Cheryl and forced to watch Embarrassing Bodies, before going to bed in opposite sides of the house. Despite the magnitude of the Chelsea win, Cole was still banned from partying, so rumour has it that a disappointed Jay Nicholls went home with a bouncer from Yates’, who she insisted was sick on her floor and then fell asleep while still inside her.