19 May, 2008

Monsters, Inc

Now normally we malign footballers for hooking up with rough birds, but in Sulley Muntari’s case we accept that he has to take pretty much anything he can get. As great a player as he is, Mr Muntari was clearly cellotaped to lamp-post when God was handing out looks, and has unfortunately been cursed with a face that makes him look like an old X-Files monster. The fact that he managed to hook up with a former Miss Ghana, Menaye Donkor, then is as inexplicable as Rhys Ifans somehow coupling with four-finger stunner Sienna Miller. However, in a mistake only a footballer could make, Sulley apparently went out of his way to trash the relationship by cheating on Menaye with Amanda Jones, a classy blond-haired lap dancer from the south coast.

The pair romantically met in a Bournemouth strip-club, where the Ghanian-born star splashed out on a £300 bottle of Cristal champagne and took her mobile number. Presumably they bonded over the misery felt by constantly having to wear paper bags over their heads during sex, but in smitten Amanda’s eyes, there was more to it than that. She therefore felt the lifeblood ooze out of her heart when she saw the Portsmouth midfielder house-hunting with 2004 Miss Universe contestant Menaye on a prime-time ITV show. Hosted by professional disease Piers Morgan, the show charted the lives of the mega-rich residents of the Sandbanks estate in Dorset, home to many footballers and reclusive criminals. She cried to The Sun: “He promised me the world and even hinted that marriage could be on the cards. I feel such a fool.” Surely for not the first time in your life though love?

Amanda was a regular visitor to his swanky pad before having the rug pulled away from underneath her, but didn’t know he was a Premier League star until her dad told her. Describing the wild lifestyle they shared, she said: “we’d snuggle on the sofa with a Chinese takeaway. I’d watch a movie and he’d play football games on his PlayStation.” Sounds like a match made in heaven to me. Drawing together everyone’s favourite gossip points, sex and religion, Amanda continued: “He’s a proud Muslim and doesn’t drink or smoke, but when it came to sex with me he was like a kid in a candy store.” Presumably she means just blindly dribbling and indiscriminantly grabbing at stuff before you get thrown out? Sounds pretty standard to me. She added helpfully though: “He kept his prayer mat and beads on a banister outside the bedroom.” I’m not quite sure if they’re suggesting that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but suffice to say, no-one wants to get bollock yoghurt on a prayer mat.

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