Where to Watch Euro 2008 in London

As has been thrust down the throat of every sports page reader in the country, there will be no representation at Euro 2008 from the British Isles. This sad fact shouldn't hinder the fun to be had while watching the football, as plenty of nations with alcoholic tendencies are going to be playing and, well, drinking. Since STT is London based and lacking a team to cheer for, we thought it would be a good idea to go down the local tapas bar or bierkeller and soak up the atmosphere with a different bunch of national fans, but it turns out that a number of random pubs in town have nailed their colours to some very bizarre flagpoles:

Austria

Austrian fans will be found in their tens watching their team get their arse handed to them at The Crown and Two Chairmen on Dean Street, one of Soho's more notorious thoroughfares. Why the Austrians have chosen one of the better known pubs in Soho is not clear, but it's certain that they can get a cheery rub-and-tug in any of the adjoining flats offering 'new models'.

Croatia

Out of all the countries represented at Euro 2008, Croatia probably boasts the smallest expat community living in London. Their isn't a defined Croatian area of the capital, nor are there any clear Croatian bars, but one ex-Hammer may swell the ranks of Eastern Europeans moving to the East End - one Slaven Bilic. This is pure speculation, but it would be great to see the chain-smoking metal playing geezer in charge at Upton Park. You can join the locals down the Boleyn Tavern near the stadium, watch the game, talk about the great man and then meet the ICF!

Czech Republic

Where better to join the Czechs than in Bar Prague? It's in the heart of Shoreditch, where it's possible to get anything or anyone if you ask the right guy on the street!

France

If you fancy joining the French fans in cheering on sulky men, then head down to The Fulham Tup this weekend, which is right by the epicentre of French snootiness in West London - Stamford Bridge.

Germany

If it's some knackwurst that you fancy as you cheer on the bildesmannschaft, then the only place to go is the Bavarian Beer House on City Road, again in Shoreditch. Here, the wenches are buxom and the beers most quaffable.

Greece

Watching a game with Greeks is a bit like having electricity run through your gentials - it's an unpleasant experience, but some people love it. There are plenty of Greek places to enjoy the reigning champions play (expect to hear that fact over and over again) while drinking retsina and avoiding broken crockery, but The Real Greek in Clerkenwell is one of the classiest.

Italy

Where else could you support the Azzurri in London other than Bar Italia, on Frith Street in Soho? The Italian quarter in London is nothing compared to some cities, but so much is crammed into such a small space. The Nastro Azzuro will be flowing and the hand gesticulation will be massive, as seen by the incredible scenes here as Italy won the World Cup.

The Netherlands

If you want to watch the Netherlands play Italy on Monday night, but don't fancy joining the world cup holders, then head down to the Lord Wolsley on White Lion Street in Islington, where the Arsenal supporting landlord has converted his pub into the most orange place in the world.

Poland

A number of newspapers and organisations have suggested that Brits support Poland, due to the number of Poles living in the UK, making it the closest to a 'home side' at the tournament. A number of pubs around the capital will have a massive Polish element during games, but it's likely that the focus will be the Polo-Disney vodka haunt near Holborn called Na Zdrowie.

Portugal

Stockwell in South London is home to a large Portuguese community, numbering up to 27,000 people. There are plenty of great bars and eateries along the South Lambeth Road, but we recommend Cantinho de Portugal for food, football and Cristiano worship.

Romania

Romanians will undoubtedly flock to 32 Old Bailey, near Smithfield market for their games. This classy place should be rammed during all 3 of Romania's games in the tournament, as they struggle to qualify from the Group of Death.

Russia

Unless you're watching the game with an oligarch with a helicopter, there isn't much choice for a Russian supporting fan in London. The only true Russian themed bar in London is the cleverly named A10 on the A10 (The Kingsland Road in Shoreditch), where the vodka flows freely and the Soviet decor is dusty.

Spain

The hordes of Spanish tourists in London are an annual bain to anyone wanting to get anywhere, but they are tolerated, if not welcomed. Bradley's Spanish Bar just off Oxford Street is a pretty good place to watch a Spanish game, due to the fact that it gets so hot downstairs, it feels like you could cook paella in your pants.

Sweden

Swedish fans are always popular at international tournaments. STT was fortunate to be in Germany for the last World Cup, where we witnessed 3 hot Swedish ladies being eye-raped by a gaggle of crotch-grabbing Portugeezers who had only one thing on their mind. More strapping blonde nordic types can be found at the Harcourt Arms in Marylebone, which is heavily influenced by the nearby Swedish embassy.

Switzerland

There aren't an overwhelming number of Swiss expats in London, nor are there many Swiss bars. One place that will be showing all of Switzerland's games is the beautiful Swiss Church in Covent Garden, which has staged similar events before. Although it's not technically a bar, we believe God is a drinker and wouldn't mind you smuggling tins of fizzy hops juice into His house.

Turkey

God may be a drinker and millions of His flock consume his son every Sunday, but it's a fair assumption that Allah is teetotal. Even though Turkey is a Muslim country, it's not as dry as others, but there is still a lack of Turkish watering holes in the capital. There are plenty of top notch cafes, restaurants and kebab shops, though, so it's best to wander down to your local kebabby with a telly.

If anyone manages to visit all these venues during the tournament, they will have our greatest respect. Everyone needs a drinking challenge now that Jeff Stelling's off our screens.

In the Imogen of God

It seems that there is a secret wannabe-WAG who has been running black-ops undercover behind enemy lines for a couple of years now trying to collect as full a set of Premier League spunk as possible. We know of plenty of tarts like Danielle Lloyd who have been passed around a couple of studs, but this fine filly has now been done by five players that we know of in just over three years. Her range of selection too is bizarre to say the least; they are myriad ages, ethnicities, looks, kudos and fame ratings. The name of this stealthy scrumpet is Imogen Thomas, in case you didn’t recognize her from the above classy photo, and she predictably was in Big Brother a few years ago now. Since then she’s being doing the usual. You know, getting her cans out in Zoo, trying to make pop videos, and appearing at various pointless film premieres in full character costume.

Things took a slow start for Imogen back in 2005, when the first footballer to hit the back of her net (sorry) was glamorous ex-Swansea player Lee Trundle, but unfortunately the coupling wasn’t to be as Imogen’s ambition took her up the food chain. The former Miss Wales became apparently very close pals with recent double-winning captain Rio Ferdinand somehow, and properly cut her footballer-screwing teeth with mid-30s ladies man Dwight Yorke. The busty beauty seduced the ailing striker after meeting him at a hotel in March 2006, and he was understandably bowled over by the attention, but sensitive Imogen ended it quickly after realising he could not progress her career enough. A gal pal told The Daily Star at the time: “Dwight was upset about it. Imogen is sex-mad and loves showing off her perfect size-10 figure. She had a lot of fun with Dwight but dumped him because he wasn't that famous anymore.”

Things took an upward turn soon after however, when she fell underneath an up-and-coming young player by the name of Cristiano Ronaldo, just before entering the Big Brother house. The pair got together when the Man United superstar partied at the Sanderson Hotel's VIP Purple bar, a favourite haunt for footballers when sojourning in London. Imogen flirted shamelessly with the then-21-year-old while serving drinks to him and his friends, before Ronaldo took the hint and invited her to his suite where the pair enjoyed a wild night of spanking and chicken grease. A different gal pal told The Sunvertisement at the time: “Imogen's interest in Ronaldo was purely sexual - she's a rampant man-eater. She's always had a thing for footballers and just couldn't resist him.” She continued: “(Imogen) worked at that hotel because it's a popular hangout for celebrities and she's desperate to progress her career.” This all isn’t creating too positive a view of Ms Thomas, as outrageous cynicism to get a career off the ground isn’t exactly something to praise. It’s pretty cheap to just throw yourself at footballers who are ‘famous enough,’ but sadly it hasn’t exactly worked has it?

A couple of years in the wilderness followed before late last year Imogen was back in the tabloids with a another footballer. And quite a strange choice too; Reading’s man-mountain of a central defender, Ibrahim Sonko. Quite how this pair got together, or what they did for that matter, is beyond me, but the simplest explanation seems to be that a comic friend told Imogen that Sonko was someone else. Explaining the inevitable break-up a month later, she told The Mirror: “Ibrahim’s great and we’ve been having great fun for the two-and-a-half months we’ve been together but I am an independent woman and I make my own money. He knows that and respects it.” While this seems to suggest a strange pimp-ho relationship, the pair apparently parted on good terms, and are often now regularly seen enjoying coffee and shopping trips together in the Berkshire hot-spot.

Fast-forward to the present day, and Imogen has finally swallowed her pride and done the sensible thing in the eternal struggle to become a WAG: given Chanelle and Chantelle a call. The hot threesome went out on the sauce over the weekend to new honey pot Movida, where once again, the two Chans went home alone, but Imogen managed to catch prime young Mexican import Nevy Castillo, who has yet to really make an impact at Manchester City, but clearly scored well enough on the fame-scale to slide in between Ms Thomas’ pins. Looking a little worse for wear, Castillo seemed to have little say in the night’s proceedings, but hey, some of us like that once in a while.

You’ll be pleased to hear that we didn’t let the night pass without getting a quick comment from STT-favourite Chanelle however, who seemed on great form celebrating the apathetic response to her genre-defining debut single. “To be able to go on iTunes and download my own song is a massive achievement for me. But I'm taking it slowly,” she slurred. Offering one of the best quotes in recent memory, she then lamented: “I've been putting everything into my music…I've even had to put my plans for a boob job on hold because I can't afford to take three weeks off!” What a tough life Chan, even if others don’t, we feel for you. Alas Chantelle was unavailable for comment on the night, she reportedly had to get home early to finish off her quantum physics thesis.

The Touch of Gavinity

No not a thinly-veiled ineuendo of what I threaten girls with at weekends, but a rather sharp pun that intriguingly sets up what follows. Earlier this year then we ran a rather excellent piece looking at religious footballers and the surprisingly unselfish ways several famous stars from around the world currently donate part of their salaries, and also plan to spend their retirement. That article was inspired by Fenerbahce’s Mateja Kezman, who recently decided that life as a monk was for him when the goals eventually dry up.

The latest figure to join the evangelical ranks is the BBC’s own Gavin Peacock, former Chelsea and Newcastle midfielder-turned-TV-presenter, who apparently plans to move to Canada after Euro 2008 to pursue a life in the church. After finishing work in Austria and Switzerland in June, the 40-year-old will up sticks with his family to Calgary to begin a three-year Masters course in Divinity at Ambrose Seminary, a leading theological college. Peacock will then become either a pastor, vicar or minister, depending on which denomination he chooses to follow, although STT is not quite sure of the difference. Which one was Baron Samedi in Live and Let Die again? His life may be in mortal danger if he chooses to be a Bishop.

Peacock has apparently been a frequent visitor to Canada in recent years and, having dropped a fair amount of mescaline there, has said that he finds the Rocky Mountains to be a deeply spiritual place. Furthermore he has studied for a BA in Theology at Ridley Hall, Cambridge, since last September to prepare himself for the life. Abstinence from pretty much everything fun is a serious undertaking, but from the age of 19, Peacock has been readying himself to take the plunge. IV-drips of vodka, three smokes on the go at all times, and prostitute-filled sexy parties have come to define the last 21 years of his life in an attempt to get it all out of his system, and now finally, he has reached the stage where literally he couldn’t drop another pill if you paid him; we know, we tried.

Since his formative Queens Park Rangers days, Peacock has hosted a Bible study group for footballers in his spare time, been a frequent speaker at his local church events, preached at his Anglican church in Kent, and even broken up his football commitments with presenting Songs of Praise. Back in the mid-90s, he was also part of a book project with local friend Alan Comfort, who dropped out of the game to become a Chaplain. Never Walk Alone is the clever title of the ditty, charting the life of the two sportsmen as they deal with being Christians in a competitive world. Admittedly I haven’t read it, but its probable high percentage of God-bothering makes it a bit rich for my tastes, even for journalistic purposes.

Peacock is a role-model for many young Christians in the modern game over here, with Linvoy Primus and Jermain Defoe often cited as high-profile examples. Quite how Defoe’s religion aligns with what we hear about him most weeks in the press is up for debate, but there can be no doubting Big Linvoy’s faith. The lion-like defender reportedly leads a prayer session before every Portsmouth match, as there are a high number of Christian players in the squad and also in the backroom staff. Rumours that Jesus himself played a vital part in Pompey’s FA Cup victory a fortnight ago have yet to be denied, while slow motion footage released today clearly shows the S.O.G (Son of God) standing offside when Utaka’s shot rebounded to Kanu for the winner…

The Touch of God

After a professional footballer retires, it’s rare to ever hear about them again unless it’s for the wrong reasons. The thing is that for those recently retired players (and certainly this current generation when they eventually retire) they have so much money that they’re set for life, so unless it’s to indulge in a spot of punditry for walking-around money, what reason is there to surface again? Having a kitty of literally millions of pounds in your mid-40s means that you’re pretty much free to do whatever you want, be it traveling, writing, monster truck racing or just good old fashioned whoring.

To say then that Mateja Kezman raised a few eyebrows this week when he announced plans to become a monk after retiring, would be a slight understatement. The Fenerbahce striker has declared that when his playing days are over he fully intends to spend “as much time as he can thinking of God.” Unconventional sure, but I guess admirable when so many players seem to get into the game for all the wrong reasons these days, namely money and the celebrity circus that tends to follow it. STT man-crush and World Player of the Year Ricky Kaka’ intends to follow a similarly spiritual route too, always claiming that his true calling was to be a preacher back home at his local church in Brasilia, Brazil. Not many people know that having just broken into the Sao Paulo first team at the age of 18, Kaka’ actually suffered a career-threatening and possibly paralysis-inducing spine fracture as a result of a swimming pool accident. He miraculously made a full recovery, and the already-spiritual maestro attributed this to God, donating one-tenth of all his income since to his church. Again, it’s encouraging that at least one player is able to keep some element of humility in the game, and even if you consider a tenth to be fairly tight, bear in mind that a tenth of Kaka’s annual salary is still the best part of 1million Euros.

If we’re really talking about going in off the religious deep end though, look no further than former Argentinian international goalkeeper Carlos Roa, who didn’t even wait until his career was coming to an end before jumping ship to Noah’s Ark. Incredibly, the devout Seventh-day Adventist temporarily quit the game at the age of 29 to genuinely prepare for Judgement Day. He reasonably believed that the world would completely end at the dawning of the third Millennium and retreated to a farm in rural Argentina to preach while waiting for the apocalypse to arrive. “The year 2000 is going to be difficult,” Roa declared to the Spanish press after quitting La Liga side Mallorca. “In the world, there is war, hunger, plague, much poverty, floods. I can assure you that those people who don't have a spiritual connection with God and the type of life that he wants will be in trouble,” he prophecised. Thankfully for STT and all other non-believers, Roa was a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic, and returned to Mallorca not long after his sabbatical to play professionally for another good few years.

It’s hard to imagine any of England’s current crop going this route after finishing their careers unfortunately, but if this article’s done nothing else, the mere thought of maybe seeing Rio Ferdinand as the Bishop of Westminster in a couple of decade’s time should be enough to put a smile on your faces for the rest of the day: ‘BLAP! And dat iz how God totally MERKED all dem fassy-‘oles, believe.’

Happy Easter folks!