26 March, 2008

I Want to Take his Face…Off

When STT was first brought into conception way back in 2007, one of the pre-requisites was that we would never lower ourselves to ‘amusing’ football look-a-likes (wow, Harry Redknapp looks kind of like Droopy, isn’t that amazing?!) but we’ve had to almost break those rules for the following post. Props as ever go out to our pals over at The Spoiler and Who Ate All the Pies for this heads up, their sites really are much better than ours.

Anyway…our attention was drawn to the somewhat disturbing world of professional celebrity look-a-likes. Quite what actual purpose these people serve is baffling, but should you ever find yourself in that common position of falsely promising everyone that Sir Alex Ferguson will be at your house-warming party, then I guess help is finally at hand. While everyone from movie stars to soap characters are available from Fake Faces, it was the footballers who unsurprisingly caught our eye -

They are just SO bad it’s actually a little bit insulting. For example, should you be planning a backstreet gang-bang, but unfortunately lacking someone famous and mixed race to be sick during the proceedings, rather than Ashley Cole you can hire any of these three cheeky chappies instead:

Maybe my eyesight isn’t what it used to be, but do either of these clowns look anything like the actual Chelsea star? Unfortunately preliminary reports that all coloured people look the same have been recently debunked, so I’m afraid young Alan, Leon and Terry might be out of a job soon.

Some of the more bizarre football ones available include Fabian Barthez (why?), Gerald Houllier (again, why?) and this frankly terrifying Juan Sebastien Veron. Do not spill his pint:

What we have learnt though is that, much like in the Mission: Impossible movies, it’s possible to completely alter your appearance by a mere change of hair style. Their Ruud van Nistelrooys for example have had the trademark curtains cut, and instantly are transformed into spitting images of the Real Madrid forward. It’s incredible! Unfortunately the site owners are yet to respond to a question about whether any of their Britney Spears can be delivered comatose, so at this stage we’re unable to confirm or deny whether the female look-a-likes are also available for sex acts as well shop openings, but don’t worry we’ll keep you posted.

Our personal favourite from Fake Faces though has to be this guy, Cristiano…sorry, Jaime Wright. He modestly describes himself as having “the looks and the physique to match the Manchester United and Portugal football star” and apparently “it is not surprising that (he) has his fair share of admirers and fans coming up to him to have their photo taken with him when he is out and about.” That is clearly just a lie, I would find that very surprising indeed. Sorry to burst your bubble mate but just because you have a United shirt on, a shit fake-tan and wank haircut does not make you look anything like Ronaldo. In fact you’re quite obviously just a complete tool.