Will the Real Ronaldo Please Stand Up?

Now this story is just brilliant. You might remember that earlier this year we ran a little feature advertising the fantastic plethora of football look-a-likes available for hire through Fake Faces for, you know, parties and sex tapes. We drew particular attention to this cheeky chappy, Jaime Wright, saying (and I quote): “Sorry to burst your bubble mate but just because you have a United shirt on, a shit fake-tan and wank haircut does not make you look anything like Ronaldo. In fact you’re quite obviously just a complete tool.”

Despite this cutting criticism, Jaime has kept the show on the road, posing out and about in Manchester whenever possible, in the hope that some girl will get drunk enough to mistake him for the real thing. Amazingly, not just one girl took the bait, but apparently five! According to that reputable rag The People, Jaime has been exposed faking a Portuguese accent, chatting to braindead girls about “old mates” like David Beckham, and even whisking them off to posh hotels that Ronaldo himself has previously stayed in.

When confronted, Jaime claimed to “always tell the truth in the morning,” shattering the dreams of many a kiss-and-tell floozey in the process. He seems to think this is acceptable, and “a laugh,” but imagine the indignation when you discover that instead of being degraded and used by a footballing megastar, you’ve just been routinely pearl necklaced by some dickhead from Eastbourne, who has nothing better to do with his time than learn how to say “can I change at Baker Street?” in Portuguese.

Obviously I am pretty jealous of Jaime’s exploits, so here are some nice little anecdotes he had to share. I apologise in advance for their sheer vacancy however: “I was in a club in Manchester and these three girls just came up and said 'You are Ronaldo'. I didn't say that I was and I didn't say that I wasn't. We went back to a hotel and had a great night.” Son of a bitch!

He continued smugly: “I tell girls they are very beautiful in Portuguese and I sometimes put the accent on as well. But often girls don't really think about it as they are so convinced I'm him by the way I look. When they ask me questions as if I am Ronaldo it is always easy things like 'When did you come to Manchester?' or 'Were you there when David Beckham was there?'” Girls are so stupid aren’t they Jaime?

Finally, his eyes glazed over as he gushed: “They also tell me what they want to do to me sexually.” Unfortunately we have no photos or anything of these lucky ladies, but we really hope they all don’t look like the one on the left here, because that’s just too depressing…

Fishing for Men

Demonstrating a miraculous level of insight into exactly what will successfully lure punters into a half-full stadium, Bolton Wanderers are to offer FREE BEER this weekend to the first 1,000 supporters through their doors. Not just that though, because also half-time food and drink costs will be heavily subsidised, with prices tumbling to £1.75 for beer or cider. If only other clubs would catch on and realise that these are the kind of things that will tempt fans back to live football, not criminally under-age cheerleaders or live performances from X-Factor rejects.

Bolton have apparently already taken measures to tempt back absent fans, after crowds plummeted by 11% last season, what with a relegation battle on their hands and all. As such, ticket prices behind both goals have been slashed to £15; youngsters can buy a season ticket for £49; and fans are being encouraged to bring banners and flags to the ground’s newly designated “singing end.” It seems like we are all so far down the road to corporate ruin to comment that these kind of ‘radical new measures’ should be the standard, but I guess kudos are still in order for bothering to actually doing something about it.

While I see no problem with attempting to bolster attendances by offering free beer, apparently some kill-joys have already starting kicking off about it. These crusaders are called anti-alcohol campaigners, people have are so genetically opposed to fun in any way that they stay up every night watching Robin Williams marathons just to ensure they are permanently in a shit mood. True story.

Swede-u-like

You can kind of understand why people might aspire to look like someone such as David Beckham. He’s pretty handsome I guess, really quite successful, incredibly rich, plus the chicks dig him. Living vicariously through D. Beck as his professional look-a-like probably wouldn’t be the worst life to be honest. Quite why you’d aspire to be a Sven Goran Eriksson look-a-like though is beyond me. Sure he’s been pretty successful in the past but his last five years haven’t exactly been ideal have they?

This makes me suspect that professional ‘Sven-a-like’ Derek Williams is a pretty weird bloke really, but he clearly thinks he has a pretty keen sense of humour. You see, the aging cad yesterday tricked an unwitting Mexican football club into thinking he was in fact their new national coach, giving him a tour of the stadium and even access to a training session. The Mexican football federation has subsequently warned clubs to be on their guard after Mr. Williams talked his way into Club Universidad Nacional's stadium with falsified documents which appeared to have come from the Mexican football federation.

The federation later released a statement saying that he was a double: “At the moment the real Eriksson is in the United States. The person claiming to be him is only a look-a-like. This shows a complete lack of respect.” Only a look-a-like? ONLY A LOOK-A-LIKE???!!! Now that shows a complete lack of respect! Universidad Nacional's coach, Ricardo Ferretti, clearly got the joke though, chuckling to the BBC: “To be honest I was quite amused. The fake Eriksson told me that he was watching my players ahead of his next call-ups, and I believed him!”

Should you need cheering up after, say, life-saving surgery or just want a good laugh at a stag-do, visit Derek’s very professional website. Certainly quite delusional, Williams describes his Sven-a-like persona as: “An enigmatic man of mystery…women swoon and fight for his attention, men admire and are amazed by his achievements on and off the pitch.” He reserves the true modesty for himself however: “(I am) the UK’s no. 1 look-a-like / sound-a-like celebrity double, virtually indistinguishable from ‘the real thing’ but even more surprising, charming and entertaining.” Jese Derek, with that kind of hyperbole you could maybe get a job on our writing staff should the look-a-liking gig not pay off! To book the so-called “complete entertainment package” for yourself, give him a buzz on 07941 743658, and just tell him what a “natural comedian” you think he is to get a discount.

I Want to Take his Face…Off

When STT was first brought into conception way back in 2007, one of the pre-requisites was that we would never lower ourselves to ‘amusing’ football look-a-likes (wow, Harry Redknapp looks kind of like Droopy, isn’t that amazing?!) but we’ve had to almost break those rules for the following post. Props as ever go out to our pals over at The Spoiler and Who Ate All the Pies for this heads up, their sites really are much better than ours.

Anyway…our attention was drawn to the somewhat disturbing world of professional celebrity look-a-likes. Quite what actual purpose these people serve is baffling, but should you ever find yourself in that common position of falsely promising everyone that Sir Alex Ferguson will be at your house-warming party, then I guess help is finally at hand. While everyone from movie stars to soap characters are available from Fake Faces, it was the footballers who unsurprisingly caught our eye -

They are just SO bad it’s actually a little bit insulting. For example, should you be planning a backstreet gang-bang, but unfortunately lacking someone famous and mixed race to be sick during the proceedings, rather than Ashley Cole you can hire any of these three cheeky chappies instead:

Maybe my eyesight isn’t what it used to be, but do either of these clowns look anything like the actual Chelsea star? Unfortunately preliminary reports that all coloured people look the same have been recently debunked, so I’m afraid young Alan, Leon and Terry might be out of a job soon.

Some of the more bizarre football ones available include Fabian Barthez (why?), Gerald Houllier (again, why?) and this frankly terrifying Juan Sebastien Veron. Do not spill his pint:

What we have learnt though is that, much like in the Mission: Impossible movies, it’s possible to completely alter your appearance by a mere change of hair style. Their Ruud van Nistelrooys for example have had the trademark curtains cut, and instantly are transformed into spitting images of the Real Madrid forward. It’s incredible! Unfortunately the site owners are yet to respond to a question about whether any of their Britney Spears can be delivered comatose, so at this stage we’re unable to confirm or deny whether the female look-a-likes are also available for sex acts as well shop openings, but don’t worry we’ll keep you posted.

Our personal favourite from Fake Faces though has to be this guy, Cristiano…sorry, Jaime Wright. He modestly describes himself as having “the looks and the physique to match the Manchester United and Portugal football star” and apparently “it is not surprising that (he) has his fair share of admirers and fans coming up to him to have their photo taken with him when he is out and about.” That is clearly just a lie, I would find that very surprising indeed. Sorry to burst your bubble mate but just because you have a United shirt on, a shit fake-tan and wank haircut does not make you look anything like Ronaldo. In fact you’re quite obviously just a complete tool.