11 March, 2008

Girl Not Allowed

Wow that was clever play on words wasn’t it. Practically wrote itself though, as today a gal pal of Cheryl Tweedy has revealed that the Geordie beauty is prepared to let love rat Ashley Cole back into her Surrey home and give him another chance. The pair split earlier this year amid stories that the Chelsea bench-warmer had cheated on her with some absolute hound, and then subsequently been sick on her carpet while doing the nasty. Apparently a ‘Roman Shower’ wasn’t on her fantasy list, so she did what any sensible girl would do in that situation and that’s call The Sun as fast as humanly possible. There is one condition for their trial reunion however; there is to be no sex for at least the next six months, and although apparently he’s going to find it incredibly hard, he’s acquiesced (that means ‘agreed’ if you’re reading Ashley) to her demands. Now, a dry spell of that length has got to be enough to kill anyone inside, but imagine the frustration of actually living with such a lithe vixen and still not being able to release your bollock yoghurt. A conveniently unnamed close friend of the pair offered this great summarizing comment: “When Cheryl took her vows she meant them, Ashley obviously didn’t — he’s got one more chance to get it right.” He/she then went on to conclude with such a delightfully glib statement that one would imagine several writers at The Sun are still chuckling about it: “Ashley is famous for his ball control, but this will be the ultimate test!”

It is a predicament of epic proportions, and calls to mind the ancient story of Tantalus, who was punished in Greek mythology with temptation without satisfaction, providing the archetype for modern definitions of ‘tantalising.’ This specifically involved him standing in a pool of water for eternity beneath a fruit tree with low branches, but whenever he reached for the food, the branches raised from his grasp, and whenever he bent down to get a drink, the water receded before he could get even a taste to quench his thirst.

If anything though that scenario is actually preferable to the thought of being in the same house that Ms Tweedy undresses, showers and exercises in without being allowed anywhere near her! Get to know freeones.com Ashley, it’s your new best friend for what will undoubtedly be the longest six months of your life…