Croatia: A Dummy's Guide

To say the game tonight between England and Croatia is a biggie would be something of an understatement. Anything other than a loss would see England limping through to the Euro 2008 finals in Austria and Switzerland, while defeat would mean that there wouldn't be a competitive international game at Wembley for a year, as the economy takes a rumoured £1,000,000,000 hit. In such tense times, you need to know your enemy.

What to Say

When talking to someone of Croatian decent, you must bear in mind the country's proud Slavic heritage. The language has been forced through changes throughout the years by Communists and Fascists alike, but the best words always mean the same. 'Yebem', 'Sragne' and 'Pichka' constitute the big 3 swears, in no particular order. The better insults include 'smrdljiva kurvetino' (you stinky bitch) and the Starbucks-esque 'Shoopchino' (Arsehole).

What Not To Say

'yebo ti kogn krwavim kurtzem sestru na maychinom grobu'. Stick that in your Babelfish and smoke it. Most Croatians will faint if this is said to their face.

Rumours to Spread

• Former star player and occasional national team advisor Robert Prosinecki smoked 40 tabs a day at the peak of his career. His wheeze of choice was Old Holborn, rolled in those horrid liquorice rizlas.

• Slaven Bilic, also no stranger to the evil weed, isn't really a footballer at all. He actually thinks of himself as a lawyer and rock band frontman, who oversees the occasional kickaround.

• Niko Krancjar's former agent ws shot dead in 2005, while Niko only got in the Croatian national team to begin with, because his dad was the manager.

• Eduardo isn't actually Croatian.

How to Stand

Not like this:

click to enlarge

Enjoy the game. I am particularly looking forward to seeing Peter Crouch look completely isolated!