Israel : A Dummy's Guide

Since England’s hopes of qualifying for the 2008 European Championships now rest on the slight shoulders of the Israeli side, who must take at least a point off Russia to give us a hope of making it through, we at STT thought now would be a good chance to get behind our Jewish brothers and show them some support. The game takes place on Saturday at 6 p.m. so you all have plenty of time to absorb the below guide on to how to best support Israel on this Judgement Day of Terminator 2-esque proportions:

What to wear

A white doo-rag and black top hat on your head, quoiffed sideburns and a black suit with a white shirt. Batman-style cloak is optional and encouraged. Thankfully Burberry and Stone Island have both just released their 2007 ‘Festival of Light’ range so you shouldn’t find it too hard to pick these items up on any average high street.

What to read

The Torah; cracking little yarn about a talking snake, a pimp daddy who had 40 kids by 40 different women and an O.G. (original gangsta) named Moses. Highly recommended, although it does only come printed on a scroll which is not only hard to read in confined space, but it also likely to be thought of as a weapon and removed on sight by proactive policemen.

What to eat

Falafel; deep-fried minced chick peas usually served in a pitta bread that is the “McDonalds double cheeseburger” of Judaism, enjoyed by all the best hoodrats and street punks. It might not have any meat in it, but covered in ketchup, mayo and chilli sauce, tastes about the same as anything else from your local Kebab establishment of choice.

What to drink

Botz; despite literally meaning ‘muddy coffee,’ Wikipedia tells me that it is the drink most associated with “young, dynamic people who do not care about having their coffee prepared in a more ‘bourgeois’ way.” Sounds perfect, although how you can get more ‘bourgeois’ than Bovril (with a slight skin on top) I do not know.

What to sing

“El, El, Israel!” which approximately translates into English as:

“Your sister is your mother,
Your uncle is your brother,
You all fuck one another…
The RUSSIAN family!
der der der der…(clap, clap)…der der der der…(clap, clap) x 2”

Hopefully no-one’s who’s actually Jewish has been too offended by this to re-visit STT in the future! If you are then please, rather than boycotting the site altogether (dictionary definition of ‘cutting off your nose to spite your face’), drop me a line at the usual e-mail address and I shall send you a Christmas-themed edible treat by means of reconciliation.