Get Your Tits Out for Carew!

Anyone who spends much time around ‘Browns’ in East London will know that I’m down there most lunchtimes and every evening. You see, sipping flat lager surrounded by Eastern European strippers is just what happens to motivate me, and ensures I produce the best work possible. I seem to have found a kindred spirit in enormous Norwegian striker John Carew, who last week decided to warm up for Villa’s huge UEFA Cup tie with Ajax by visiting a lap dancing club hours before kick-off. He clearly knows as well as I do the serenity that comes from staring through the soulless openings that these girls call eyes, and who, in a moment of stress, hasn’t engaged in a bit of light-hearted thonging?

Well, apparently Martin O’Neill, because the Villa gaffer saw fit to fine Carew £100,000 after the incident. Carew did however prove his critics wrong, by returning to the side this weekend to bag a goal in his team’s demolition of Wigan at the JJB. This begs the question: should footballers be able to do whatever they want in their spare time so long as they perform on the pitch? I mean, short of shooting smack and knocking hookers about anyway.

Villa skipper, and STT favourite, Martin Laursen said: “He should not take one step inside that (lap-dancing) club because that was wrong and not what we do the day before a game. I was surprised he behaved like that, but I think he has realised that and I don't think he will ever do it again. I don't think he was there after midnight from what he has said. But he knew that he should have been with us at the hotel. It has nothing to do with his dedication to Aston Villa. He is a very serious footballer and he wants to do well. We don't want to be without him - not at all. He is so important to us. When he didn't play, the fans were singing for him. They love him and he is forgiven.”

Midfielder Stiliyan Petrov has a slightly different opinion though: “I think we should let him go out every night if he plays like that! We all motivate ourselves in different ways and maybe that is his way - he should go lap-dancing more often! We don't worry about each other's private lives - it is what is done on the pitch that matters.” Amen Stiliyan, amen… just try explaining that to my boss though. And girlfriend.

Wipe-Clean Cover Included

Anyone who knows me knows that I like girls dressed up as cheerleaders, especially when I’m throwing a shot in them, but also just generally in everyday life too. Unfortunately I am currently facing a civil action suit about my attempt to encourage this kind of uniform in the office, but when I get home, I now have an outlet for my perfectly normal and reasonable obsession.

You see, Nintendo often get slammed by so-called serious gamers (i.e. professional masturbators) for pandering to kids, but with a product like Allstar Cheerleader now out on the market, how can these accusations stand? What’s more ‘adult’ than having essentially a Wii-enabled porn movie? To quote from the actual developer’s website, the game uses “the Wii Remote and Nunchuk to perform dozens of real-world cheer and dance moves…(and) also supports the Wii Balance Board so you can get your entire body involved in the game.” Basically the way this works in my head is that the final showdown involves a cheerleader strutting around on screen and she goads you that you’ll never be able sleep with a girl as hot as her. Then, using the Wii motion-sensors, you prove to her that you’re up to the challenge of satisfying her, by treading water for a few minutes while she strips. If you shoot your load, you lose and have to start back at beginning and go through essentially the same exercise, only with a huge fat trannie, or a man or something. If you succeed, then somehow she climbs out of the TV and is programmed to do exactly what you say, and only open her mouth if…well, you get the picture.

Ok, so weird computerised sex conjecture aside, there is a reason why we’re covering this decidedly non-football-related topic, and that’s because the NFL is coming to LONDON, ENGERLAND this weekend for your viewing pleasure. And by that I mean, if you’re lucky to enough to have bagged tickets, you have the chance to get up close and personal with some actual cheerleaders at Wembley. Don’t let the big men in armour charging about on the field distract you, because it’s very rare to genuinely find girls in cheerleader outfits in real-life, so savour the moment fellows.

Having done some extensive research, our allegiance is firmly with the San Diego Chargers, because to be honest, about half of the Saints’ Saintsations are a bit (whisper it) ugly actually, but kudos to the photographer for insisting on cleavage shots. The Charger Girls on the other hand are all pretty fantastic, and I shall be concentrating all my energy on Sunday on breaking into their locker room and kidnapping one them for, you know, sex stuff.

Back to School

The Portsmouth football team might (restrainedly) be referred to as multi-cultural, and with team-mates as diverse as John Utaka and Jermain Defoe it’s little wonder than sometimes the cohesion on the pitch suffers. However, rather than just fall in line with British convention and let them all bond over 8 Stellas and a strip-club, ‘Arry Redknapp has sent 16 members of his foreign legion for English lessons. Yes, that’s 16 out of the 28 first-team squad apparently need to learn what is conservatively referred to as ‘football talk.’

Polyglot Solutions, a laugh-a-minute language school based in Southsea, has been working with Pompey to ensure players can communicate with each other amid the pressure of a match, using that childhood stalwart of Subbuteo as a descriptor. The centre is run by cunning linguist Dr Jay Kettle-Williams, and his wealth of experience predicts just eleven hours as the average time it takes to educate from ‘zero English’ to competent enough to be able to function on the field. Subbuteo is used to re-enact a whole game, so the relevant phrases come to life; he could’ve used Pro Evo, but apparently second generation games consoles are yet to reach the south coast. Dr Kettle-Williams explains, in case you’re still struggling: “We work in the target language, and make sure what they're learning fits their specific purposes.”

He continued, somewhat smugly: “There's no point in teaching them to say ‘my uncle's pen is in your auntie's bureau,’ or how to buy a first class train ticket. We need it to be real, so they can function on the field. There's no time there for hesitation, or stopping to think ‘what do they mean?’ We teach them these phrases and then, in the next game, they are alert and switched on, understanding instructions from the sidelines and playing better.” As such, the familiar expressions they shall be concentrating on are favourites like: “don’t let him turn you,” “man on,” and “you are fucking blind you bald-headed cunt.”

Esta Es Inglaterra!

Every six months or so this old chestnut rears its ugly head so I guess it’s probably time we gave it a bit of coverage. If you are a football fan with ears you have undoubtedly heard the conjecture that Everton midfielder Mikel Arteta and Arsenal goalkeeper Manuel Almunia are considering switching their international allegiance from Spain to England, after being repeatedly ignored by the national set-up over there in sunny Espana. Maybe because the Spanish have literally hundreds of better options in both positions, but more likely because the Premier League stars lack the shiny swimming shorts and long, lady-like hair required to make the cut.

Anyway, Arteta will be eligible to play for England in January 2010, after having lived in the UK for the necessary five years required to apply for residency, but the 26-year-old claims he still harbours hope of pulling on the shirt of his home nation: “At the moment the idea of playing for England hasn't even crossed my mind,” Arteta told Spanish sports daily Marca last week. “I have the desire to play with Spain’s senior side. The truth is that it is an idea that has come about through the fans here,” he concluded, referring to the petition cobbled together by some of Everton’s more drunk fans last season.

Yesterday newspapers however seem to think that the wheels might be more in motion now, quoting the Toffees’ midfielder as saying: “I've been here four years so that possibility (to play for England) will exist… I appreciate a lot the affection they (the Everton fans) are giving me and the campaign they are doing for me to play for England.” Not exactly conclusive, but a bit more positive I guess.

So how do we feel about this then? On the one hand, I find it hard to imagine anyone being prepared to represent a different country to their native one, especially at something as passionate as football, but I guess if they’ve been overlooked by their country and want to play for their adopted home, why not? Both are clearly decent players, who would bring something a bit different to the England set-up, so why wouldn’t the fans embrace them? And it isn’t like this kind of thing is unheard either. Think of the various famous players who have repatriated in recent memory: Zinedine Zidane, Deco, Patrick Viera, Bojan Krkic, Shaun Goater, Colin Kazim-Richards…

African Football in non-Violence / Corruption / Death-related Story Shock

Firstly, thanks to the boys over at Unprofessional Foul for the tip-off on this one, as the mystery as to what Benjani Mwaruwaru has been up to since leaving Portsmouth gets cleared up a touch. You see, rather than get bogged down in the routine of playing football, he’s decided instead to cook up a nice little sex scandal, by coupling with the Zimbabwe Head of Soccer. Think not of some bearded posh man though, because THIS IS AFRICA, and as such, they appoint people like shapely Henrietta Rushwaya to posts of authority like this.

Ms Rushwaya allegedly overruled a long-standing team policy of a pre-match curfew for the players, so that she could bed the star striker, just hours before Zimbabwe were dumped out of World Cup qualifying in the first round. She is apparently in the habit of sanctioning such trysts, meeting Benjani anywhere and any time just to get some loving: “When (Benjani) comes home, especially on a siesta from his overseas club, he camps at Rushwaya’s residence where they live literary [sic] like husband and wife… Rushwaya herself is known for being generous with her body and numerous scribes have had a go. She is a very kind boss whose generosity has won her friends especially in the media as most of her scandals are deliberately swept under the carpet,” said the surprisingly Sun-esque anonymous tipster.

In a previous life, i.e. last year, Rushwaya was arrested and subsequently appeared in court on allegations of theft involving $2400. Dammit; so close to writing a whole article about African football without tarring it with the brush of criminality.

Gameweek 8 – ‘Nothing but a Big Butt and a Smile’

Happy Tuesday folks and apologies for the lack of review last week. Events conspired against us, and to be fair it’s a miracle we haven’t missed a gameweek wrap-up before then. Anyway, Sunday morning saw the top-4 in place in the league table for the first time this season, and you could almost feel collective eyes roll around the country as things seem destined to never change. However, by the end of the day this order had already been disrupted, as one little team from Yorkshire dared to play with the big boys. Yes that’s right, Hull are third in the Premier League, above Arsenal and above European Champions Manchester United. Pinch yourselves chaps, because this is all too real.

Starting at the top then, and in the lunchtime kick-off on Saturday, Chelsea were pretty sublime despite missing 7 regular first-team starters, blowing Middlesbrough off the park without really breaking a sweat. You know something’s not right when Malouda and Kalou actually look decent, but pulling the strings in the middle, Belletti and Lampard proved a decent partnership. The only positive for Boro is that they can’t possibly be this bad again.

To keep pace, Manchester United needed a victory against a West Brom side who are enjoying their best ever start to a Premier League season. After an ominous (but goalless) first-half, United shifted effortlessly through the gears as Wayne Rooney continued his superb recent form. Him, Berbatov and Ronaldo eased through the Baggies defence as the second-half went on, each netting goals, before little Nani came on to finish off the rout in the 90^th minute. Never fear Baggies fans though, you don’t have to face teams of this quality every week. On a personal note, I like how Ronaldo just doesn’t even celebrate or even break stride when he scores these days; if anything, he just looks a bit upset with himself.

Arsenal were able to stay in touch too, with a decent victory against an Everton side who seem completely clueless at the moment. Despite going behind early to an Osman poach, Arsenal were able to rally together and pushed on in the second-half to what was ultimately quite a comfortable victory. Robin van Persie still being fit is a good sign, verging on the miraculous given his glass-legged past, and Woolcott is clearly enjoying his football at the moment, but in the long run you have to wonder about the little hiccoughs the Gunners have already suffered.

There were three other games on Saturday, not including our ‘Game of the Week,’ and guess what: there wasn’t a single goal between them. As such (ever the professional), I didn’t bother watching the proper highlights, so not sure if anything exciting happened, but have pulled out a couple of discussion points below for your enjoyment.

Sunday then, and a chance for Hull to continue there incredible start to the season, hosting West Ham in what was a very winnable game for the Tigers. The Hammers started well in truth, with Carlton Cole and Herita Ilunga both missing decent chances to open the scoring, before the latter even put the ball in the net, albeit in a somewhat controversial manner. Hull bagged the only goal of the game just after the break, Turner heading home Dawson’s corner, but still West Ham threatened as Carlton Cole saw a great close-range effort rattle the bar.

And to the Britannia, for the so-called Super Sunday clash between the league’s bottom two. With two red cards, two penalties, numerous chances and eleven minutes added time, this game had basically everything. Stoke will be over the moon to have recorded their second win of the season, even if by the end the score-line flattered Tottenham somewhat. The Potters dominated much of the first-half, going ahead from the penalty spot after Gareth Bale chopped down Tom Soares, and saw red for his indiscretion. But after that, City eased off and allowed Spurs to play, standing static as Darren Bent ghosted in for the equalizer. Second half though belonged to Stoke, as Soares, Sidibe and substitute Ricardo Fuller shone in attack. In the dying minutes, Fuller hit both posts with his penalty after Soares was dragged down again, before second goal-scorer Rory Delap rattled the crossbar with the rebound.

Game of the Week – Liverpool vs Wigan

Finally then, Liverpool's impressive win against Wigan, coming from a goal down, takes this weekend’s crown. Rafa Benitez’s men continue to show that finally this season they might just have what it takes to genuinely contend the league title, twice coming from behind to seal the points at Anfield. Zaki put the visitors ahead early on, capitalizing on a stupid error from Daniel Agger, but the Dane made up for his mistake by driving forward almost straight after the restart to feed Kuyt for the equalizer. A quite magnificent volley from Zaki put Steve Bruce’s men ahead once again in the second-half, but as Liverpool poured forward a new-found resolve seemed to emanate from the men in red. Albert Reira’s netted his team’s second after a delightful dummy from Gerrard, before in the dying minutes Kuyt latched onto a Pennant cross to steal the game. Bruce will moan that Antonio Valencia’s suspect sending off ruined the game, and he has a point, but still kudos have to go to Liverpool.

Player of the Week – Wayne Rooney

There were a few contenders for this award this week, but Rooney's tireless work-rate and sheer talent drove his side forward as he was involved in everything his team created. His deadlock-breaking goal was pure class, but he looked dangerous all match, linking up nicely with Berbatov and causing fear in all the Baggies defenders. Best form of his career? Who am I to argue with that.

Goal of the Weekend – Amr Zaki

Any other weekend, Juliano Belletti’s long-range wonderstrike at the Riverside would take the biscuit, but Zaki’s second at Anfield was a quite sublime piece of execution and timing, precisely firing a scissors-kick into the bottom corner of Reina’s goal with the ball seemingly behind him. Can Wigan hold on to him? That remains to be seen…

Gypsy Curse(s) of the Week – Forwards wearing red and white stripes

Between them, Ricardo Fuller and Kieran Richardson hit the woodwork 6 times and had a goal disallowed. Richardson’s freekick struck the posts 3 times itself, which has to be some kind of record, while Fuller saw a penalty ricochet off both posts and out, before a beautifully curled long-range effort rattled the bar. Someone out there can clearly cast force-fields. If you’re reading Mr Jedi, can you cast one that keeps my boss trapped in his office all day so I can sack off work and just go down the pub?

Miss of the Week – Some angry Villa fan

While everyone else seems to be getting bent out of shape about linesman Phil Sharp being hit by a coin, someone has to take action against the Villa fan who threw the coin for not being able to hit a target as big as Harry Redknapp from all of ten yeards. What do they teach kids in schools these days? It’s all la-di-da rubbish like ‘French’ instead of good old-fashioned situational street fighting. I despair.

Job Vacancy of the Week – Spurs

It’s easy to take a pop at Spurs, and it’s even easier to take a pop at Juande Ramos. However, as much as I hate seeing managers fired off the back of a poor run of form and reactionary journalism, something is clearly wrong at White Hart Lane. This is their worst start to a season since the Titanic sank, and with difficult games up next against Bolton, Arsenal and Liverpool, Spurs could conceivably find themselves still without a win after more than ten games. Based on their performance yesterday at the Britannia, there is serious work to be done in literally every department, with actual football at the bottom of the list below professionalism, discipline, determination, confidence and teamwork.

Round the Bend

Looking at Marcus Bent, I find it hard to shake the feeling that it’s a miracle he doesn’t just fall over more often. He couldn’t really look more vacant if he tried, and if you’ve ever been unfortunate enough to see him interviewed, it’s like watching someone break their arm in slow motion. Anyway, he clearly does something right, because he’s moving in with busty girlfriend Gemma Atkinson this week. She was even quoted as saying: “I’d be more than happy to be with him forever.” Not bad for someone who can’t chew gum and walk in a straight line.

Having previously enjoyed the dubious honour of being plowed by Cristiano Ronaldo, Atkinson has clearly settled for mediocrity, despite being recently ranked number 6 in COED Magazine Online's 50 Sexiest WAGs of World Football. That’s got to count for something, even though I have no idea what COED Magazine is.

In other news, Ms Atkinson has a calender coming out soon and presumably she gets her cans out in it. Peep the shots for yourself here, before it’s too late and Marcus Bent bans her from appearing in public without his name tattooed on her face…or worse yet, her chest.

Fishing for Men

Demonstrating a miraculous level of insight into exactly what will successfully lure punters into a half-full stadium, Bolton Wanderers are to offer FREE BEER this weekend to the first 1,000 supporters through their doors. Not just that though, because also half-time food and drink costs will be heavily subsidised, with prices tumbling to £1.75 for beer or cider. If only other clubs would catch on and realise that these are the kind of things that will tempt fans back to live football, not criminally under-age cheerleaders or live performances from X-Factor rejects.

Bolton have apparently already taken measures to tempt back absent fans, after crowds plummeted by 11% last season, what with a relegation battle on their hands and all. As such, ticket prices behind both goals have been slashed to £15; youngsters can buy a season ticket for £49; and fans are being encouraged to bring banners and flags to the ground’s newly designated “singing end.” It seems like we are all so far down the road to corporate ruin to comment that these kind of ‘radical new measures’ should be the standard, but I guess kudos are still in order for bothering to actually doing something about it.

While I see no problem with attempting to bolster attendances by offering free beer, apparently some kill-joys have already starting kicking off about it. These crusaders are called anti-alcohol campaigners, people have are so genetically opposed to fun in any way that they stay up every night watching Robin Williams marathons just to ensure they are permanently in a shit mood. True story.

Kop that Shit

Apparently this has been doing the rounds for ages, but having only just seen it for myself on The Spoiler I felt the need to share the wealth with you good folks too. There’s no real point mincing words because I don’t know the back story to this, it’s just simply Ryan Babel wrecking the M.I.C with a hot freestyle for Dutch radio over classic Clipse beat Virginia.



Now obviously I don’t speak Dutch, so am only able to speculate about the actual lyrical content here, but honestly I don’t think this is too bad! A few English phrases did seep through though, including: “rapping is my hobby”; “premier league”; “representing”; “beef”; “dope”; “check it”; and of course the glue that holds any good rap song together, “motherfucker.”

If any of you cats out there speak Dutch, please please please let us know exactly what he’s saying, and confirm/deny suggestion that it’s in fact an update of N.W.A’s misogynist classic She Swallowed It.

Resistable Talent

Danielle Lloyd has led a great life: she’s slept with Jermain Defoe, which, for a woman, is about as good as it can really get. Anyway, a quick scan over her biography tells me that it hasn’t always been high-flying decadence for Ms Lloyd, she truly started from the bottom; Liverpool specifically. At the age of 16, she began modeling, and upon finishing school, she decided to pursue that dream dual career of modeling and beautician-ing, obviously specializing in massage. As she built up her modeling reputation (read: had implants), she also became a qualified nail technician. Now it’s not quite clear whether this is nails as in fingernails, or nails as in those-things-you-hit-with-a-hammer, but I like to assume it’s the latter.

Construction work found itself permanently on the back-burner in 2004 when Lloyd was crowned Miss England, with the Miss Great Britain title following just two years later after she systematically ‘eliminated’ Miss Wales and Miss Ireland (Miss Scotland was deflatingly considered “no competition”). Controversy reared its fire-damaged face shortly after the award however, when it came to light that nude pictures of her in a recent Playboy might’ve tipped the balance in her favour. Obviously this was outrageous; as far as I’m concerned Lloyd showed initiative, and the only thing holding the other contestants back from doing the same was something pathetic called ‘integrity.’ Amusingly there was another twist in the tale, when it was revealed that Lloyd had also had an affair with one of the pageant judges. You’ll never guess who that was though: Teddy Sheringham! Ridiculous isn’t it!

Completing her abridged biography, is a memorable appearance on the BBC’s Test the Nation, where she was asked “Who was Winston Churchill - a rapper, the US President, the Prime Minister or the King?” Lloyd, quite brilliantly dead-panned: “Wasn't he the first black president of America? There's a statue of him near me - that's black.” Sometimes I really despair.

Anway, snap to the present, because today Lloyd has launched her own modeling agency, snappily titled Irresistable Talent. To publicise this moment of history, Lloyd played it safe and just got all the crew together for a nice old fashioned lingerie shoot. As you’d expect, most of the girls are pretty busty but not-so-great from the neck up. Familiarise yourself with them now though, and expect to see em all hanging off the arm of an average footballer very, very soon…