Resistable Talent

Danielle Lloyd has led a great life: she’s slept with Jermain Defoe, which, for a woman, is about as good as it can really get. Anyway, a quick scan over her biography tells me that it hasn’t always been high-flying decadence for Ms Lloyd, she truly started from the bottom; Liverpool specifically. At the age of 16, she began modeling, and upon finishing school, she decided to pursue that dream dual career of modeling and beautician-ing, obviously specializing in massage. As she built up her modeling reputation (read: had implants), she also became a qualified nail technician. Now it’s not quite clear whether this is nails as in fingernails, or nails as in those-things-you-hit-with-a-hammer, but I like to assume it’s the latter.

Construction work found itself permanently on the back-burner in 2004 when Lloyd was crowned Miss England, with the Miss Great Britain title following just two years later after she systematically ‘eliminated’ Miss Wales and Miss Ireland (Miss Scotland was deflatingly considered “no competition”). Controversy reared its fire-damaged face shortly after the award however, when it came to light that nude pictures of her in a recent Playboy might’ve tipped the balance in her favour. Obviously this was outrageous; as far as I’m concerned Lloyd showed initiative, and the only thing holding the other contestants back from doing the same was something pathetic called ‘integrity.’ Amusingly there was another twist in the tale, when it was revealed that Lloyd had also had an affair with one of the pageant judges. You’ll never guess who that was though: Teddy Sheringham! Ridiculous isn’t it!

Completing her abridged biography, is a memorable appearance on the BBC’s Test the Nation, where she was asked “Who was Winston Churchill - a rapper, the US President, the Prime Minister or the King?” Lloyd, quite brilliantly dead-panned: “Wasn't he the first black president of America? There's a statue of him near me - that's black.” Sometimes I really despair.

Anway, snap to the present, because today Lloyd has launched her own modeling agency, snappily titled Irresistable Talent. To publicise this moment of history, Lloyd played it safe and just got all the crew together for a nice old fashioned lingerie shoot. As you’d expect, most of the girls are pretty busty but not-so-great from the neck up. Familiarise yourself with them now though, and expect to see em all hanging off the arm of an average footballer very, very soon…

Naughty South American of the Week Uno

Typical isn’t it. We give Salvador Cabanas a bit sunshine to promote his burgeoning football career and what does he do? Go out straight away and get snapped in several, er, uncompromising positions with a couple of Mexican, er, ladies of suspect reputation shall we say.

The smile says it all though, he’s having a great time! Me thinks he would fit in just fine alongside the whore-loving likes of Cristiano Ronaldo in the Premier League….

Obscure South American of the Week Quinze

Name – Salvador Cabanas Ortega

Affiliation – Club America

Reason for Coolness – He’s bigger than most hatchbacks and looks impressively like a murderous film villain who could kill you with one hand. Not that we think all Hispanic chaps are scary criminals.

Reason for Obscurity – Well he’s Paraguayan and plays in the Mexican top flight, so he’s stayed under the radar quite easily. He’s also successfully managed to not have any of his relatives kidnapped so the world press has left him well alone.

As the clock ticks down on the transfer window, and many clubs look like they could use a proven striker, we at STT thought we would once again put on our scouting hat and cast an envious gaze over at South America. This chap you will almost certainly not have heard of, but was earlier this summer linked with many of the big guns in La Liga, so he must know what he’s doing.

Senor Cabañas started his career in his native Paraguay for the strangely-named club 12 de Octubre, before a brief stint in Club Guaraní earned him a prestigious move to Chilean top dogs Audax Italiano. In the 2003 Apertura tournament of the Chilean league, Cabañas netted an impressive 18 goals and was the top scorer, and his record over two years at Audax was such that the Mexicans came a sniffing, impressed by an average of more than a goal every two games. Cabañas came into his own though in the 2004 Clausura for the Jaguares in Chiapas, Mexico, scoring 15 goals in 20 games for the club.

In his three years with Chiapas, the Praguayan netted an amazing 59 times in 103 games, attracting the attention of Mexican heavyweights Club America, one of the biggest clubs in the country. Cabañas has become América's most prolific goal-scorer for 2007, finishing up the first half of the year with an impressive 19 goals. He started the second half of the year as he meant to continue, continuing to take no prisoners as he battle-rammed his way through the Mexican league, finishing with an impressive 33 goals for the year. His top form in 2007 earned him the not-too-prestigious award of Paraguayan Footballer of the Year, but also the actually-quite-impressive title of South American Footballer of the Year too.

So far this year Cabanas has already finished top scorer of the Copa Libertadores (for a consecutive second time), and in all competitions reached the milestone of 20 goals for four months of the year still to go.

He’s basically just a beast. Someone sign him up soon! Here then are his Top 10 goals for your consumative pleasure: