Italian TV is Great

So it’s a pretty tough gig being England manager. Sure expectations are high but ultimately everyone knows we’re going to fail, so in reality there isn’t really that much pressure. Oh, you also get more than 300 days off a year, and those 60-odd ‘working’ days involve basically just watching football at glamorous locations around the world.

You can understand then that sometimes current boss Fabio Capello needs to take some time off to relax. He is currently in Milan chilling out, but managed to squeeze in an appearance on local show Chiambretti Night (think Politics Today with less talking and more incongruous soft-porn) to presumably chat about the fractured European economy and the media embargo of Gaza.

Out of the blue though, the good producer-types decided to throw him what appears to be an impromptu stag do by bringing out a stripper to serenade him as he desperately tries to bend natural law and climb through the back of his chair. I genuinely don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone look this uncomfortable while facing a perfectly formed gyrating rump.

Get Your Tits Out for Carew!

Anyone who spends much time around ‘Browns’ in East London will know that I’m down there most lunchtimes and every evening. You see, sipping flat lager surrounded by Eastern European strippers is just what happens to motivate me, and ensures I produce the best work possible. I seem to have found a kindred spirit in enormous Norwegian striker John Carew, who last week decided to warm up for Villa’s huge UEFA Cup tie with Ajax by visiting a lap dancing club hours before kick-off. He clearly knows as well as I do the serenity that comes from staring through the soulless openings that these girls call eyes, and who, in a moment of stress, hasn’t engaged in a bit of light-hearted thonging?

Well, apparently Martin O’Neill, because the Villa gaffer saw fit to fine Carew £100,000 after the incident. Carew did however prove his critics wrong, by returning to the side this weekend to bag a goal in his team’s demolition of Wigan at the JJB. This begs the question: should footballers be able to do whatever they want in their spare time so long as they perform on the pitch? I mean, short of shooting smack and knocking hookers about anyway.

Villa skipper, and STT favourite, Martin Laursen said: “He should not take one step inside that (lap-dancing) club because that was wrong and not what we do the day before a game. I was surprised he behaved like that, but I think he has realised that and I don't think he will ever do it again. I don't think he was there after midnight from what he has said. But he knew that he should have been with us at the hotel. It has nothing to do with his dedication to Aston Villa. He is a very serious footballer and he wants to do well. We don't want to be without him - not at all. He is so important to us. When he didn't play, the fans were singing for him. They love him and he is forgiven.”

Midfielder Stiliyan Petrov has a slightly different opinion though: “I think we should let him go out every night if he plays like that! We all motivate ourselves in different ways and maybe that is his way - he should go lap-dancing more often! We don't worry about each other's private lives - it is what is done on the pitch that matters.” Amen Stiliyan, amen… just try explaining that to my boss though. And girlfriend.

The Power of Spite Compels You

It would be a severe understatement to say that Central American countries take their football pretty seriously. They take tacos and Catholicism ‘pretty seriously;’ football is a matter of life and death, often quite literally. A brief glance back through the history books tells us that in 1969 El Salvador and Honduras actually fought the 100-Hours War after rioting at a football match between the two countries sparked the conflict. While some sources may tell you that the war was actually caused by complex political differences between the neighbours, including immigration issues from El Salvador to Honduras, the actual truth is that the Hondurans just got a dodgy penalty in the 90^th minute and thus all hell broke loose.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand. I doubt any of you remember, but two years ago during the final round of CONCACAF (Confederation of North, Central American and Caribbean Association Football) World Cup qualifying, Guatemala needed Mexico to get a draw against Trinidad & Tobago to have a shot at finishing fourth in their group and therefore making it into the play-offs against Bahrain. However, since Mexico had already earned its qualification spot, they decided to field a severely weakened side against Trinidad & Tobago, who subsequently won the match 2 - 1 and thus eliminated Guatemala altogether.

Now apparently the Guatemalans have very good memories, and sure can hold a grudge, because having put Mexico to the sword 2 – 1 this past Friday in the penultimate round of CONCACAF Olympic qualifiers, they basically threw their final group match against Canada just to screw over Mexico. The lacklustre Canadians were allowed to score 5 goals against Guatemala, leaving Mexico in the difficult position of needing to beat footballing behemoths Haiti by at least six clear goals to advance to the tournament itself. Mexico totally choked though, and since they only won 5 – 1, are now out of the competition and will have to watch the hi-jinks from Beijing this summer back home in a cheap strip club (maybe).

There’s something about this kind of commitment to fucking someone over just to satisfy one’s own thirst for revenge that really warms the heart on a cold March day. From personal experience I know the Guatemalans to be a friendly and accomdating race, but let this be a lesson to you: do not spill one of their pints, otherwise in six months time you might wake up wearing your girlfriend’s intestines. I for one cannot freaking wait until Round 3 next year when Guatemala and Mexico meet again in the 2010 World Cup qualifiers, here’s hoping for another 100-Hours War…

Finally, quick thanks to our pals over at withleather.com for the heads up on this excellent tale of national rivalry and playground theatrics. You guys are awesome, awesome to the max.