Anyone who knows me knows that I like girls dressed up as cheerleaders, especially when I’m throwing a shot in them, but also just generally in everyday life too. Unfortunately I am currently facing a civil action suit about my attempt to encourage this kind of uniform in the office, but when I get home, I now have an outlet for my perfectly normal and reasonable obsession.
You see, Nintendo often get slammed by so-called serious gamers (i.e. professional masturbators) for pandering to kids, but with a product like Allstar Cheerleader now out on the market, how can these accusations stand? What’s more ‘adult’ than having essentially a Wii-enabled porn movie? To quote from the actual developer’s website, the game uses “the Wii Remote and Nunchuk to perform dozens of real-world cheer and dance moves…(and) also supports the Wii Balance Board so you can get your entire body involved in the game.” Basically the way this works in my head is that the final showdown involves a cheerleader strutting around on screen and she goads you that you’ll never be able sleep with a girl as hot as her. Then, using the Wii motion-sensors, you prove to her that you’re up to the challenge of satisfying her, by treading water for a few minutes while she strips. If you shoot your load, you lose and have to start back at beginning and go through essentially the same exercise, only with a huge fat trannie, or a man or something. If you succeed, then somehow she climbs out of the TV and is programmed to do exactly what you say, and only open her mouth if…well, you get the picture.
Ok, so weird computerised sex conjecture aside, there is a reason why we’re covering this decidedly non-football-related topic, and that’s because the NFL is coming to
Having done some extensive research, our allegiance is firmly with the San Diego Chargers, because to be honest, about half of the Saints’ Saintsations are a bit (whisper it) ugly actually, but kudos to the photographer for insisting on cleavage shots. The Charger Girls on the other hand are all pretty fantastic, and I shall be concentrating all my energy on Sunday on breaking into their locker room and kidnapping one them for, you know, sex stuff.