Chantelle Makes Radical Breakthrough To Cure Broken Bones

There’s something just so right about Jermain Defoe and Chantelle Houghton. He is a shameless reprobate willing to put his dick in literally anything, and she…well, she got her start in modeling after her mother took some topless pictures of her in a local park. Stars clearly aligned somewhere because this is truly a match made in a sordid North London motel car park. Having shrugged off accusations of a life of lonely prostitution with fellow Big Brother reject Chanelle Hayes, Chantelle seems to be forging quite a career for herself, and maybe (just maybe) she will one day be referred to without the “ex-Celebrity Big Brother contestant” epithet.

Anyway, it might’ve escaped your attention that our Jermain is currently out injured, having tragically fractured a toe trying to perfect the reverse wheelbarrow position. Rather than waste time seeing specialists or attempting physiotherapy, he’s done the sensible thing and gone to sit on a beach in Dubai with his balloon-chested brain donor of a girlfriend. It is kind of a celebration for her though so we’ll give them the benefit of the doubt; I know that when my girlfriend upped her cans from 32B to 32DD I definitely wanted to whisk her away for horseplay on a beach in the Middle East too.

One onlooker, who is reportedly unable to stop touching himself at the moment, dribbled: “Chantelle looked absolutely stunning in a bikini and Jermain certainly noticed. He couldn’t keep his eyes off her as she wandered around. And when she came back to the sunbeds he couldn’t keep his hands off her.” Thanks for that, really great contribution. Anyway, as you can see from the pics, Chantelle certainly had no idea the cameras snapping as she frolicked in the sea, under the public shower and next to Jermain on a sunbed.

In other thrilling news, Chantelle recently admitted that Jermain is “the one,” which apparently sent him into the stratosphere because you just know that when girls like that say things like that, it means one thing. Anal.

Round the Bend

Looking at Marcus Bent, I find it hard to shake the feeling that it’s a miracle he doesn’t just fall over more often. He couldn’t really look more vacant if he tried, and if you’ve ever been unfortunate enough to see him interviewed, it’s like watching someone break their arm in slow motion. Anyway, he clearly does something right, because he’s moving in with busty girlfriend Gemma Atkinson this week. She was even quoted as saying: “I’d be more than happy to be with him forever.” Not bad for someone who can’t chew gum and walk in a straight line.

Having previously enjoyed the dubious honour of being plowed by Cristiano Ronaldo, Atkinson has clearly settled for mediocrity, despite being recently ranked number 6 in COED Magazine Online's 50 Sexiest WAGs of World Football. That’s got to count for something, even though I have no idea what COED Magazine is.

In other news, Ms Atkinson has a calender coming out soon and presumably she gets her cans out in it. Peep the shots for yourself here, before it’s too late and Marcus Bent bans her from appearing in public without his name tattooed on her face…or worse yet, her chest.