28 October, 2008

Will the Real Ronaldo Please Stand Up?

Now this story is just brilliant. You might remember that earlier this year we ran a little feature advertising the fantastic plethora of football look-a-likes available for hire through Fake Faces for, you know, parties and sex tapes. We drew particular attention to this cheeky chappy, Jaime Wright, saying (and I quote): “Sorry to burst your bubble mate but just because you have a United shirt on, a shit fake-tan and wank haircut does not make you look anything like Ronaldo. In fact you’re quite obviously just a complete tool.”

Despite this cutting criticism, Jaime has kept the show on the road, posing out and about in Manchester whenever possible, in the hope that some girl will get drunk enough to mistake him for the real thing. Amazingly, not just one girl took the bait, but apparently five! According to that reputable rag The People, Jaime has been exposed faking a Portuguese accent, chatting to braindead girls about “old mates” like David Beckham, and even whisking them off to posh hotels that Ronaldo himself has previously stayed in.

When confronted, Jaime claimed to “always tell the truth in the morning,” shattering the dreams of many a kiss-and-tell floozey in the process. He seems to think this is acceptable, and “a laugh,” but imagine the indignation when you discover that instead of being degraded and used by a footballing megastar, you’ve just been routinely pearl necklaced by some dickhead from Eastbourne, who has nothing better to do with his time than learn how to say “can I change at Baker Street?” in Portuguese.

Obviously I am pretty jealous of Jaime’s exploits, so here are some nice little anecdotes he had to share. I apologise in advance for their sheer vacancy however: “I was in a club in Manchester and these three girls just came up and said 'You are Ronaldo'. I didn't say that I was and I didn't say that I wasn't. We went back to a hotel and had a great night.” Son of a bitch!

He continued smugly: “I tell girls they are very beautiful in Portuguese and I sometimes put the accent on as well. But often girls don't really think about it as they are so convinced I'm him by the way I look. When they ask me questions as if I am Ronaldo it is always easy things like 'When did you come to Manchester?' or 'Were you there when David Beckham was there?'” Girls are so stupid aren’t they Jaime?

Finally, his eyes glazed over as he gushed: “They also tell me what they want to do to me sexually.” Unfortunately we have no photos or anything of these lucky ladies, but we really hope they all don’t look like the one on the left here, because that’s just too depressing…


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