30 June, 2008

Save Our Cheryl

The continually oscillating circus that is the Ashley/Cheryl Cole marriage still refuses to be shut down by health and safety. Last week the England failure finally managed to drag his estranged missus away on holiday with him, undoubtedly with the full intent of plying her with cheap cocktails and taking advantage of her low self-esteem. The professional slimeball pulled out all the stops to convince Cheryl that 7 days alone would be all he needed to remind her why she fell in love with him in the first-place, and once again she fell for it. Cheryl, please take a look in the mirror and see what he has done to you; once upon a time you were literally perfect, but now all that’s left is a somewhat vacant skeleton who just cries all the time. Please realize that it is all down to that piece of shit husband of yours, and eat a couple of kebabs before you get blown away by the wind!

Ashley is certainly not familiar with the idea of there being consequences to his actions, so if there are any Premier League footballers out there reading this, please mobilize again him next season and tread on his cubes.

But wait! Maybe things aren’t completely back on after all. You see this weekend it was Ashley’s ultra-cool brother Matthew’s wedding, and guess who went alone to get hammered and try to touch-up the barely-legal staff in the service kitchen? Yes that’s right, busy hands himself, Ashley. Now nothing against Matthew Cole, but it’s inevitable that he’s going to get tarred by that scumbag’s brush, so one can see how a day out in the country with the entire Cole family being sick and trying to finger each other might not appeal, but still, surely a loving wife should always attend such events with her husband? Her name was on the guest list (see The Sun’s excellent mock-up of a ticket) but she was nowhere to be seen, sparking fresh rumours that he’s been shown the metaphorical door. I mean obviously Cheryl was just off filming The X-Factor somewhere but we can always hope that she has finally told Ashley to comprehensively fuck off forever and die…

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