16 June, 2008

Jill-ted Lover

Try for a second to put yourself in the head of a kiss-and-tell whore, as terrifying a prospect as we all know that to be. You have just been send to Dumpsville by an Arsenal player, so what do you do to get revenge and earn back a bit of your (obviously quite limited) self-respect? Throw yourself on the joystick of the first Spurs player you see of course! And that's exactly what all-round class act Jill Demirel did when her boyfriend Justin Hoyte kicked her to the curb for a younger model. The 32-year-old minger was so devastated when Hoyte, 23, left her for the only-slighty-better-looking-but-at-least-young Madeleine Bowden, of WAGs Boutique 'fame', that she pounced on walking Burger King advert Tom Huddlestone and mercilessly bedded him.

Prize catch Jill revealed her motivation to the News of the World this weekend: "I was heartbroken when Justin left me for another girl. I knew he hated Tottenham and I thought, ‘I'm going to show you'." However the apparently 'clever' plan backfired when the sex with Huddlestone was poor, and only made her more desperate for the good old days of Hoyte hanging out the back of her, filming it on his mobile phone. A clearly disillusioned Jill sighed: "I was praying Tom could help me get over Justin with great sex. Fat chance of that. Justin was ten out of ten in bed, miles better than Tom, who was a wham bam, thank you ma'am kind of guy." Miouw Jill, the claws are well and truly out for poor Mr Huddlestone. She continued to rip the Spurs midfielder's amorous playbook apart: "When we kissed it was terrible. He kept dribbling all over my mouth. I'd rate Tom a zero out of ten." Zero out of ten? Zero out of ten would be trying to get off with a cheese grater, surely our Tom must've been better than that Jill?! Such high standards, but then again, she's probably had quite a lot to compare him to.

The ex-Harrods sales assistant, from Chigwell, Essex, instantly fell for Justin after meeting him in the place where most great romances blossom: the jacuzzi at his gym. She was engaged to another man at the time but that clearly didn't bother her as she reportedly told gal pals she'd never been "so attracted to a guy in (her) life."Despite going on three dates with Hoyte, she kept telling him it was wrong because she was engaged, and for a while somehow managed to not sleep with him. However, after a bottle of Lambrini and a KFC on that magical third date, she finally gave up the nappy dug-out: "I kept telling Justin it was wrong because I was engaged, but the fact we weren't supposed to made it more horny. That night we had sex from midnight until 6am. He's incredibly well endowed—at least 12 inches. Dirty talk got him going the most. He liked to know I was enjoying myself." Paints quite a picture doesn't she? This Jill girl just gets classier and classier. And 12 inches? Seriously?? She really must love him to tell such an outrageous lie.

Anyway, after feeling him up in her stomach, she was understandably intoxicated and they met up regularly for sex, unsurprisingly even getting it on in the place where this torrid love affair first began, the gym's jizz-cuzzi: "The bubbles hid so much naughty stuff. It was the best foreplay for mad sex," giggled Jill. After a year, he got bored of her high-brow intellectual conversation, and broke up with the aspiring model, even changing his phone number to avoid bunny-boiling and hair-dolls. "I was in love with him. It wasn't about the football," she lied. "I would have been with him even if he'd worked for McDonalds."

The tide turned early last year when Jill saw Justin on the smash-hit show WAGs Boutique, and was gutted when Madeleine Bowden was introduced as his girlfriend. Rather than moving on like an adult, Jill decided that the best way to get over Hoyte was to sleep with another footballer, and guess what, Tom Huddlestone just happened to live in the same apartment block as Hoyte. She snarled quite psychotically: "I'd seen Tom in the Jacuzzi—the spot where I'd met Justin—and I knew he fancied me. It wasn't reciprocated, but I was on a mission to bag him to make Justin jealous." Unbelievable behaviour; almost acceptable from an 18-year-old, but you have to remember that this Jill slag is actually 32. Within days then Jill was staying over at Huddlestone's love-den, parking her car in full view of Justin's flat to get a reaction, but unfortunately for Jill her plot back-fired. "All I could think about was Justin," Jill lamented. "Tom was such a boring fart. He didn't talk about anything apart from commenting on the girls in the R&B videos on the telly." Christ, you know you must be doing something wrong when a girl who once dated some guy from boyband Blue calls you dull. And come on, witty commentary about hos in music videos is prime conversation when you're with the ladies; such high standards! Returning of course to the sex then, the not-at-all-bitter-and-twisted Jill continued to cuss Huddlestone's form: "It was crap and I pity Chanelle (Hayes; reportedly his current girlfriend), she must be having the worst sex of her life," Jill hissed. "It only lasted two minutes before it was over thankfully." Easy now love, two minutes is pretty good in my experience...isn't it?!

She ended her interview with the NOTW with a truly heart-felt plea. I feel so much empathy at the moment that I think a tear might be welling up: "If I could get (Justin) alone I know he wouldn't be able to resist me," she deluded herself. "I just hope he reads this and realises how much I love him." I think the chances of that happening are pretty slim darling, but at least now the rest of the country knows what a complete piece of shit you are. In case any of you do actually sympathise with Ms Demirel, bear in mind that in the same newspaper a story was also run about her supposedly making a guest appearance in this year's Big Brother, predicated purely on a promise she made to producers to spill the beans about her affairs with the two footballers. Finally, I'd like to just end with a prize quote off her fantastic Myspace page: “All you jealous haters out there mind your own. The more you hate me, the more I shall succeed. If you hate me that must mean you care about me, so thanks. GET OVER IT, YOU BITCH!” She is just such an endearing character, and STT would certainly not recommend you throw rubbish at her if you see her in the street.


Cesc's lil bird said...

Wow, I'm stunned. Excuse me for a moment [runs to the bathroom and hurls into the toilet bowl].

I must say that is quite cheap and disgusting. Who knew Justin was such a player anyway? I thought he was pretty wholesome but that's probably because he hardly is in the spotlight for the Arsenal so he doesn't get much media coverage unless he's looking for it. Clearly.

Jill the skank is pretty damn ugly so I'm glad the J-dawg dumped. And Miss Demirel, you just ruined all forthcoming romantic endevours for yourself. [Pats her on the back] good going...

Do you dudes at STT ever check your hotmail account?

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