27 June, 2008

Motty’s Gold Watch

Rejoice football fans throughout the country, for after this Sunday we will never ever have to suffer through a match with John Motson dribbling inconsequential crap and stating the bleeding obvious over the top again! Yay! After Sunday’s European Championships final, he is finally taking the hint and retiring, and not a minute too soon either. For almost as long as I can remember, Motson has been the bane of my football-watching existence, ruining virtually every game he’s allowed anywhere near with blinkered hyperbole and embarrassing mispronounciations.

But, I hear you shout, “he’s Motty,” “he’s the voice of football,” “he wears a sheepskin coat!” All valid points, and the guy has been doing it since 1971, so maybe I should cut him a bit of slack. I guess at one point he must’ve been good, but unlike, say, a Richie Benaud or a Murray Walker, both of whom have matured like a bottle of fine plonk stolen from Hitler’s crow’s nest in that episode of Band of Brothers which I’ve never seen the end of because the DVD always breaks, Motson has aged like an AIDS-riddled crack-whore i.e. not well. The writing has been on the wall for seasons now, but rather than malign him for what he has become, let’s remember him in his prime with some choice selections of commentary cock-ups.

'Bruce has got the taste of Wembley in his nostrils.'

‘So different from the scenes in 1872 - at the Cup Final none of us can remember.'

'It looks like a one-man show here, although there are two men involved.'

'For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all yellow strip.'

'The World Cup is a truly international event.'

‘Koller shares a hairstyle with Jaap Stam. Of course, they have no hair.’

'It think this could be our best victory over Germany since the war.'

'The goals made such a difference to the way this game went.'

'It's Arsenal 0, Everton 1, and the longer it stays like that, the more you've got to fancy Everton.'

And what a time to score - 22 minutes gone.'

'It's a football stadium in the truest sense of the word.'

'Actually, none of the players are wearing earrings. Kjeldberg, with his contact lenses, is the closest we can get.'

'Middlesbrough are withdrawing Maccarone the Italian, Nemeth the Slovakian and Stockdale the right-back.'

'The referee is wearing the same yellow-coloured top as the Slovakian goalkeeper. I'd have thought the Uefa official would have spotted that - but perhaps he's been deafened by the noise of this crowd.'

'Nearly all the Brazilian supporters are wearing yellow shirts - it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour.'

'I've just heard that in the other match Real Madrid have just scored. That makes the score, if my calculations are correct, 4-3! But I'm only guessing!'

'And I suppose Spurs are nearer to being out of the FA Cup now than at any other time since the first half of this season, when they weren't ever in it anyway.'

'I know that Gareth Barry has been told by Howard Wilkinson to take a long, hard look at these with his left foot.'

'Whether that was a penalty or not, the referee thought otherwise.'

'England will be having Sweden for breakfast.'

'I've lost count of how many chances Helsingborg have had. It's at least five.'

'This is the biggest thing that's happened in Athens since Homer put down his pen.'

'That tackle was so hard, it hurt his whole family!'

'The roof is on, but the gloves are off.'

'Chelsea haven't got any out-and-out strikers on the bench unless you count Zenden, who's more of a winger.'

'The Crazy Gang have beaten the Culture Club!'

'It's delirious! It's delightful! It's Denmark!'

'I can confirm that Trevor Brooking did have his own eggs and bacon before setting off.'

'England versus Germany games have often caused the tea cups to topple off the table, so those of you at home watching tonight, be careful with the crockery.'

'You can still buy tickets for knock-out games off the internet. That's if you know how to. I certainly don't.'

'Oh, that's good running on the run.'

P.S. No thanks whatsoever go out to the Daily Facist by the way for providing the images to accompany this piece. If any of you are reading (unlikely I know) and are upset, please choke on your Nazi carrots and die.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

成人電影,情色,本土自拍, 美女交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人貼圖, 成人電影, A片, 豆豆聊天室, 聊天室, UT聊天室, 尋夢園聊天室, 男同志聊天室, UT男同志聊天室, 聊天室尋夢園, 080聊天室, 080苗栗人聊天室, 6K聊天室, 女同志聊天室, 小高聊天室, 情色論壇, 色情網站, 成人網站, 成人論壇, 免費A片, 上班族聊天室, 成人聊天室, 成人小說, 微風成人區, 色美媚部落格, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人論壇, 情色聊天室, 寄情築園小遊戲, AV女優,成人電影,情色,本土自拍, A片下載, 日本A片, 麗的色遊戲, 色色網, ,嘟嘟情人色網, 色情網站, 成人網站, 正妹牆, 正妹百人斬, aio,伊莉, 伊莉討論區, 成人遊戲, 成人影城,

ut聊天室, 免費A片, AV女優, 美女視訊, 情色交友, 免費AV, 色情網站, 辣妹視訊, 美女交友, 色情影片 成人影片, 成人網站, A片,H漫, 18成人, 成人圖片, 成人漫畫, 情色網, 日本A片, 愛情公寓, 情色, 舊情人, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 情色交友, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 色情a片, 一夜情, 辣妹視訊, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊, 視訊美女, 美女視訊, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, 情人視訊網影音視訊聊天室, 視訊交友90739, 成人影片, 成人交友, 本土自拍, 免費A片下載, 性愛,
成人交友,
嘟嘟成人網, 成人電影, 成人, 成人貼圖, 成人小說, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人遊戲, 微風成人, 愛情公寓, 情色, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 做愛, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 寄情築園小遊戲, 色情遊戲情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 言情小說, 愛情小說, 色情A片, 情色論壇, 色情影片, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊美女, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, a片下載, aV, av片, A漫, av dvd, av成人網, 聊天室, 成人論壇, 本土自拍, 自拍, A片,成人電影,情色,本土自拍,