Whii Amii, Whii??

As much as the press and the general public complain when Cristiano Ronaldo gets caught fingering five hookers simultaneously in the back of his Bugatti Veyron, we all secretly know that in his position we’d be doing exactly the same thing on a Tuesday morning. You see, he’s probably the best footballer in the world, so has kind of earned the ridiculously fantastical life that he finds himself living day-to-day. What really grinds people’s gears though is when remarkably average players, who seem to have to passion or commitment to the game, end up earning almost as much money as the Portuguese star, and living a similarly breast-covered existence.

Case in point: Jermaine Pennant. A player who has rarely shown any ambition, and has yet spun out a pretty successful career for himself, including a Champions League Final appearance. What makes it worse though is that he has also dated many busty beauties, including the quite delectable Jennifer Metcalfe, and is now engaged to cracking topless model Amii Grove. Don’t let the lobotomised spelling of ‘Amy’ put you off, because she is all sorts of low-self-esteem-but-hot wrapped up in a fine 32D package. According to The Sun, the 23-year-old, exclaimed “Yes!” when the Liverpool bench-warmer, who she has dated for nearly two years now, got down on one knee and presented her with a diamond ring this past weekend. “I’m so happy,” she dribbled. “We haven’t set a date because of hectic work schedules, but I want it to be sooner rather than later. He’s the man of my dreams.”

Those of you with either keen memories or literally no life will remember that just over a year ago, Grove stormed out of the relationship after she caught Pennant cheating on her by checking their mansion’s CCTV camera. After spotting lipstick on a wine glass, the surprisingly-resourceful Grove did a little bit of detective work: “Sure enough the tape showed a pretty brunette walking into our bedroom with Jermaine. I could see the moment they turned the light off and burst into tears.” This prompted her to trash £200,000 of his designer clothes at the time, but apparently she has a ridiculously short memory. If only I could find a topless model who’s dreams involve me being a promiscuous and arrogant little shit…