I’m a WAG, Get Me Out of Here!

The great thing about WAGs is that left to their own devices they just become primal nymphomaniacs, incapable of anything approaching rational thought without either a man or a camera to tell them what to do. At least that’s how The Daily Fascist views them anyway, with “sex-starved” Carly Zucker and Nicola McLean apparently already falling apart in some jungle as part of some pointless reality TV show. The pair have reportedly been growing close (see where this is going?) after confiding in each other about how much they miss their men.

The delicious Zucker, somehow engaged to Chelsea brain donor Joe Cole, fantasised about what she would do when she got home to him: “Oh, I can't wait to jump into bed and feel him. I want to get my hands on his buff body. He’s so soft. I just want to be touching him and kissing him,” she drooled. The slightly less classy topless model McLean, dating the slightly less glamorous Peterborough United player Tommy Williams, sighed: “Oh, don't get me started. I've been thinking about that too!” The 32G-canned blonde continued: “He's in for a real treat when I get out of here. This is the longest I've ever gone without sex with Tommy and I really miss him.”

Nicola and Carly seemed to hold each other’s gaze at this moment, perhaps a little bit longer than one might suspect of two women who’ve only known each other a fortnight. “Do you ever feel like you wanna just let it all go while you’re out here? Take a break from reality and everything at home?” Carly asked her, the moonlight embodying her words with a serene power. “We both miss our men so much,” Nicola said, gently massaging Carly’s back, “but they can’t be here, and we both have needs.” She paused. “They’d understand wouldn’t they?” Carly stared deeply into Nicola’s eyes and seemed to dive into the luxurious pools that were her irises, before subtly arcing her head towards the busty temptress and whispering: “make love to me; make me feel like a woman again.”

The pair shared a longing kiss, and Carly drizzled her tongue along Nicola’s soft lips as she manoeuvered her hands around the blonde’s ample bosom. Carly let out an almost imperceptable moan as her legs slowly parted, and Nicola cradled the back of her head and began softly kissing her neck. Carly’s whole body tingled with anticipation, as Nicola’s fingertips danced down her firm stomach and milky thighs, before confidently sliding her bikini aside and holding Carly’s moist and engorged…

WOW, sorry about that folks, I don’t know where that came from. People in the office are looking at me in quite a strange way now.

Anyway, in other Zucker-related news, it’s actually really hard being rich apparently, so I’m happy I live essentially in a bin, with no food in the fridge and a rising tide of septic water in the kitchen sink: “Money can be a burden, that’s why I got stressed last year,” she lamented. “I had too much too soon. I could choose what I wanted and so I ended up indecisive. I had a massive house that I couldn’t control or clean, it took all day.” Boo-fucking-hoo love.