To You, To Me

I always think it’s sweet when established alpha-male footballers get a little mini-Me-style peg boy to follow them around at their club and just generally tell them they’re great. Michael Essien got lonely at Chelsea, so they bought him John Obi Mikel to stroke his hair and toss his salad. When Thierry Henry was getting restless at Arsenal, they bought him little Theo Woolcott to break in his new boots and make him midnight sandwiches. Then of course there’s Cristiano Ronaldo, who was apparently getting so fed up of having orgies with just women that Manchester United bought him a scamp called Nani, so that when he felt in the mood, he could just have sex with himself too.

It didn’t take long for Nani to get involved either, with reports circulating within weeks of moving to England that him and fellow new boy Anderson had teamed up with five hookers in Cristiano’s swimming pool for a night of what the Italians call ‘passione.’ Translated into English that means ‘anal.’ Anyway, a couple of the classy girls decided that the News of the World might be receptive to their story, and thus lifted the lid on just exactly how the Manchester United boys get down. Tyese Cunningham and Gemma Storey revealed how they teased the chaps with Tesco’s Finest underwear, before their WAG dreams were unceremoniously shattered: “I've slept with about 200 clients and I've never been treated with such little respect,” said the interestingly named Tyese. “They didn't care about our feelings. They didn't even talk. They just moved our bodies into the right positions.” Wake-up call Tyese, and I don’t want to be the one to say this to you but, YOU ARE A PROSTITUTE. IF YOU WANT FEELINGS AND TALKING THEN GET A BOYFRIEND AND STOP GETTING PAID FOR SEX.

Finally, hear them complaining again, this time about not being tipped. Anyway, this is all obviously old news, so if you want the full sordid penetrative details then read the story for yourself. I have completely lost my trail of thought. Peg boys…orgies…lesbians…

Right, there we go. It was Nani’s birthday yesterday, and him and Cristiano managed to get literally the gayest photo I have ever seen taken of themselves. It seems they really do share everything. Three guesses what Cristiano might’ve got young Nani as a 22nd birthday present? What…a book? Cristiano, you’re rich you bastard! All he wanted was another couple of prozzies!