Arsene Wenger's Weekly Email Part 2

Some of you who have been here since Day One might well remember a little feature we ran way back in August, offering an exclusive look into the propaganda campaign orchestrated by Arsene Wenger to put words into the mouths of all Arsenal fans around the world. Well,after almost 6 months undercover within the organization, our sleeper agent has finally returned from the Emarites with yet another installment which we can exclusively print once again for your benefit. Arsene has hinted at the contents of his weekly Email in his interview with both the BBC and Sky. Please understand that we are not Spurs fans, nor Arsenal haters, and just post what we receive without any editorial bias…

Dear all Arsenal fans,

I wish to let you in on a secret. I have long felt sorry for Tottenham Hotspur, languishing as they do in our North London totalitarian shadow, and thought that after 21 consecutive victories, it was time we ‘threw them a bone,’ to use your common English vernacular. That’s right, we lost on purpose, but only this once and in the most pointless of all competitions. I am telling you all this to ensure that no cracks appear in the armour, and to instill strength in this perceived time of need, as rumours of a crisis at the Emirates ring around the press. This is of course absurd, and you must meet any accusations of this with steely glares and passive aggression, such as leaving offensive notes around the accuser’s house and hiding his wife’s clothes.

Perhaps the most crucial point I wish to impart to you here is to not however, under any circumstances, be gracious in defeat. If anyone is to say that we outplayed, the obvious response is that we still created the better chances and Spurs were simply lucky. Five times. The passing and movement of our attacking players was mesmerizing, and as Manny showed with his late wondergoal, if we wanted to score, we could at any moment.

If this fails to convince anyone, the next line to fall back on is that we fielded a ‘B’ team, despite telling everyone all year that they were all good enough to play in the ‘A’ team. The likes of Gallas, Fabregas, Hleb, Bendtner and Walcott were all told to operate at 20% of their actual ability, as to play any better would have undermined my intent to throw the game. Good old Nikolas (bless him) even went one step further scoring Spurs a goal to keep their confidence up! He is a true professional.

It was in fact this incident that led to Manny’s enthusiastic, not to mention affectionate, congratulations of Nikolas that so many people seem to have mis-interpretated as fighting. They squared up to each other only to hug, and the so-called blood that some might have seen coming from Nikolas’ face was in fact strawberry syrup that Manny had smuggled onto the field, knowing how fond his young Danish friend is of the sweet condiment. They are such lovely boys off the field.

At the end of the day, the Carling Cup is rubbish anyway, and we still have the Champions League, the FA Cup and the Premier League to win. The best reaction to baiting Spurs fans is to simply ask them when the last time they were in the Champions League, and as they try to remember, goad them by saying things like “before your time was it?” and “your grandfather might know” etc. If they ask what that has to do with anything, simply ignore them and walk off.

Finally, a couple of other suggested responses. We were categorically NOT thrown off our game by playing in a stadium with actual crowd noise. Again, such a suggestion is crazy. “If anything, White Hart Lane was too quiet compared to the deafening cauldron of the Emarites,” is a glib rebuttal I suggest. Also, if asked about the number of fans who appeared to be leaving after an hour, I am reliably informed that they were all either rushing off because their wife was going into labour, or hurrying downstairs to the refreshment area where free beer was being distributed by page 3 models having an impromptu wet t-shirt competition.

Until next week.

I remain truly,

A.W.

Libertine Liberation

Now Pete Doherty gets a lot of bad press, mainly because he’s covered in drugs and models 24/7, but he also has a more utilitarian side and is apparently in line to help save struggling German side KFC Uerdingen. The 4^th division outfit are currently battling administration having built up a debt of €250,000, even resorting to eBay auctions in an attempt to free themselves from the taxman’s icey grasp.

Word on the street is that a young Doherty grew up on a military base not far from the club, and developed a liking for KFC (no not the chicken, please keep up) who were at the time not a bad little firm, enjoying both relative Bundesliga success and also a semi-final run in what is now the UEFA Cup. Yesterday Doherty’s manager / drug mule Adrian Hunter had the following words for the newspapers and STT:

“I know he has some affection for the club and he would be happy to do something if he has time.”

Cynics might say that if your only hope of salvation is Pete Doherty then maybe the nails are already in the coffin and its time to cut your losses, however the Babyshambles frontman is an avid football fan. Despite supporting QPR, the rocker has a passion for good football, and I’m sure wouldn’t mind adding another string to his bow.

In other Doherty-related news, the star is currently in training for this year’s London Marathon, along with new squeeze Portia Freeman, but has resorted to wearing his missus’ bras to provide comfort for his painfully sore nipples. You can’t make this stuff up.

Friends have commented that all this running is “a much better obsession” than drugs, but STT would argue that they’ve clearly never tried smack.

Gameweek 23 – ‘Hanging out the Back’

Happy Tuesday then everyone and an update a day later than usual. This is of course due to a desire to take in last night’s game at Anfield and has nothing to do with the excesses of the weekend.

Anyway, pretty underwhelming set of games all round this week to be honest, with very little to get excited about. Chelsea and Manchester United never really got started, and their opponents (Birmingham and Reading respectively) will count themselves very unlucky to get nothing of the games. Liverpool too were disappointing last night, despite some bright spells in the first half, needing part-time giraffe, full-time substitute Peter Crouch to bail them out of trouble at the death at Anfield.

Arsenal meanwhile delivered perhaps the performance of the weekend, playing with fluidity and intent throughout, while Pompey’s Benjani was the clear star of the week, bagging an excellent quickfire hat-trick at Fratton Park against the doomed Derby. Also in the race for a European finish, Everton were victorious at the JJB to move into 4^th spot in the Prem, leap-frogging Manchester City who shared the points with West Ham in a game that was as flat as an ICF calling card. Boro played as well as I can remember, but with appalling finishing, were pegged back by a late Derbyshire equalizer at Ewood Park to infuriate Garth Southgate.

Finally, Kevin Keegan’s homecoming against Bolton was drab and lacked incident, but with his much publicized ‘shopping list’ now doing the rounds, we might see a return to thrilling Newcastle of old within the next couple of weeks.

Premier League Team of the Week (based on OPTA stats, Fantasypremierleague.com ratings and my own expert eye):

Keeper – Radek Cerny (second clean sheet in a row, topped off with a match-winning double save late on)

Defence – Gael Clichy (dynamic attacking play), Joleon Lescott (commanding as ever), Alex (the big bossman…well not the big bossman from WWF days-gone-by but you know what I mean), Luke Young (another exciting showing from the young full-back)

Midfield – Tomas Rosicky (slick interplay), Jermaine Jenas (lovely passing and movement), Michael Ballack (continuing to show the old Leverkeusen and Bayern form), Steven Harper (caused all sorts of problems for the United defence)

Up Top – Emmanuel Adebayor (great in the air and precise on the floor), Benjani (cracking second hat-trick of the season)

Weekly Awards:

Goal of the Week – Despite a couple of (close-range) bicycle kicks, nothing really grabbed the imagination this week so hats off to Wayne Rooney for a deft finish with the outside of his foot.

Meg of the Week – Olivier Kapo on first Malouda and then Carvalho in a mazy run to set up Larsson, who somehow blasted over from about 3 yards out.

Save of the Week – US heavyweight Marcus Hahnemann claws out a vicious Owen Hargreaves freekick.

Skill of the Week – Adebayor busts a lovely Maradona spin around Simon Davies to pass out wide to Hleb.

Miss of the Week – The aforementioned Larsson effort was bad, but nothing compared to Boro’s Tuncay, who sort of fell over the ball in front of an open goal, 5 yards out.

Speculative Effort of the Week – Following an appalling van der Sar clearance, Dave Kitson very nearly managed to lob the keeper from over 40 yards out, with Ferdinand’s header off the line the only thing saving the Dutchman’s blushes.

Nearest Lampard came to Contributing…er, of the Week – Commanding display from Frank, once again pulling the strings in the midfield to mastermind a Chelsea win away at Birmingham.

Gaffe of the Week – Once again Tit-Ass Bumble takes the biscuit with a simply incredible show of incompetence. I seem to say it week after week, but how the hell is still playing professional football, let alone in the Premier League??

Unexpected Acrobatics of the Week – Jointly shared between Marlon Harewood and Carlton Cole…who would’ve thought either of them had a bicycle kick their locker??

Gesture of the Week – Alex Ferguson’s “GET THA’ UP YER!!!” was apparently an expression of “relief”…

Rabbit’s Foot of the Week – Petr Cech blasts a clearance straight at Cameron Jerome on the edge of the box, only for the instinctive return header to sail harmlessly into the post and out for a goal kick.

Broken Jinx of the Week – Portsmouth finally score at home for the first time in over 9 hours of league play. Still nothing for Dave Nugent though.

ASBO of the Week – Michael Carrick hauls down Dave Kitson with a judo throw in the box at the Madjeski, but nothing’s given.

Bad Pun of the Week – Blame Lineker for this one, after Boro’s poor finishing costs them at Blackburn : “Ali-‘ad-a-mare”

Hero of the Week – Robbie Keane for bagging his 100^th goal for Spurs this weekend after he came off the bench to put the game beyond fellow Irishman Roy Keane’s men.

Zero of the Week – The entire backroom staff at Liverpool for the constant squabbling and uncertainty, blamed this week by Stevie G as the cause of their indifferent recent form.

Personal Highlight of the Week – Outside of the Premier League, this weekend saw a cracking Madrid derby, full of hot young talent on both sides, but it was the old guard of Raul and van Nistelrooy who bagged the two deciding goals for a seriously impressive Real side.

It’s a Greek Tragedy!

Excuse the inappropriate exclamation mark as this isn’t a topic to make light of, but the pun was simply to good an opportunity to miss. Anyways, in the arson-first-ask-questions-later world of Greek league football, bloodshed has once again tarnished the game, as yesterday two Iraklis fans were stabbed during clashes between supporters before the Super League game against local rivals Paok.

Police said that more than 150 fans from the two Thessaloniki clubs were involved in the violence that saw fans using rocks and bottles as improvised weapons against at each other, before joining forces and directing their passion towards the Greek Filth. Initially started when Paok fans without tickets for the game tried to storm the Kaftanzoglio Stadium gates, many parked cars were damaged before the police fired tear gas to disperse the crowds. As the smoke cleared two men were found stabbed, one in the arm and one in the leg, but thankfully neither of their wounds were life-threatening.

This outbeak of violence comes just four days after an Olympiakos fan was stabbed to death by members of fierce Athens rivals Panathinaikos’ firm following a Greek Cup match.

Often called the ‘British Disease,’ hooliganism is as much of a problem in Greece as it is over here, especially with Athens containing more football clubs per square mile than any other city in Europe. Just last year every single sports stadium in the country was shut down for a fortnight in April after a fan was killed during a pre-arranged hooligan fight in Athens involving more than 500 fanatics. Furthermore, violence has spread onto pitches in recent memory, with Messiniakos players and coaching staff fighting with their own supporters the day after this ban was lifted. On the same day in the Greek Third Division, a game between Panetolikos and Ilioupoli was even stopped for thirty minutes when players and fans clashed on the pitch following a disallowed goal.

Kevin Keegan is a Big Media Slut

'King Kev' oversaw his first match in charge of Newcastle this weekend, a 0-0 thriller against Bolton. Even though the game wasn't thrilling, the Toon Army got their necessary dose of excitement for the year.

Over the years, Keegan has appeared in a number of adverts for products as diverse as Sugar Puffs and Brut deodorant. Rumours abound that he's being lined up to star in another McDonalds ad with Shearer, as well as baring all for the new PETA campaign. Here are a few of his best performances:

Brut Deodorant with Henry Cooper



Road Safety Remix



Sugar Puffs with the ubiquitous Honey Monster

Grandad Messi - Update

Neymar da Silva (age – 15, affiliation – Santos)

Although FIFA regulations prohibit players from signings professional contracts until the age of 16, this young Brazilian wonderkid is already the subject of an epic battle for his signature, with Real Madrid and Manchester United the two main combatants.

Madrid seem favourites however, having signed a pre-contract agreement recently with Neymar’s agent Wagner Riberio, who also represents one of their current Brazilian stars, Robinho. Despite only being 21 himself, Neymar has been called the “new Robinho” as he has a very similar stature and dribbling ability. Santos themselves have been quick to lockdown the prodigy by signing a deal to own his image rights up until 2015, meaning that they are due an additional £13 million if and when someone abroad snaps up their young forward.

Outside of Brazil, barely any information is available on the Santos man, but his dad Neymar Senior believes he is the real deal: “All he does is play football. In the street, in the backyard, in any place possible or impossible!” If he makes it big, remember where you heard his name first…

Grandad Messi

With little Lionel Messi now over the hill at 20 years old, STT would like to take this opportunity to guide you towards some of the younger up-and-coming stars who are likely to capture the public hyperbole over the next 12 months, and no, depressingly none of them are English. We’re not saying any of these guys are gonna be as good as the little Argentinian wizard, but if anyone’s gonna give him and Christiano Ronaldo (still just 22 you forget) competition for World Player of the Year in the next few years, it’s these young chaps here:

Alexandre Pato (age – 18, affiliation – AC Milan):

Here’s a story for you. In 2000, when Pato (meaning ‘the duck’) was just 10 years old, x-rays from a broken bone revealed that he had a tumour in his arm. The doctors realized that the tumour would become cancerous in two months if not removed, but his poor family could not afford the surgery. The doctor, Paulo Roberto Mussi, however was a family friend, and operated for free. The next year he joined Brazilian side International in the under-11 pool, and the rest as they say, is history.

Described by Juventus boss Claudio Ranieri as “extraterrestrial” following his incredible debut last weekend, young Pato has been groomed for stardom since the age of three, when even then he was running rings around everyone on the Futsol pitch. The hyperbole doesn’t stop; his Milan boss Carlo Ancelotti has described him as better and faster than a young Alessandro Del Piero, with potential to surpass anyone in recent memory. Ridiculously skilful and confident, but humble enough to keep working until he reaches the very top, under the wing of Ancelotti and countryman Kaka’, who are we to doubt him?

He’s drawn comparisons with everyone from Pele to Ronaldo (both of them) to even Jesus Christ, Pato has even coaxed the normally reserved Milan president Silvio Berlusconi to claim in the press recently that in the remainder of this season, he will score 30 goals. Set your jaw to ‘drop’ and peep game:

Bojan Krkić (age - 17, affiliation – Barcelona):

History has told me that anyone with such an unpronounceable name simply has be good to get as far as he has. Currently staring alongside Henry and Iniesta in a makeshift Barcelona front 3, this young Serbian-born Spanish national has impressed throughout his youth career significantly, emerging as the joint top soccer in the 2006 Under-17 European Championships. He is currently the youngest player ever to feature in a Champions League game at just 17 years old 22 days, and in his La Liga debut he did this:

Impressed?

Diego Capel (age – 19, affiliation – Seville):

Despite being dubbed the new Jose Antonio Reyes upon making his Seville debut, and looking somewhat homeless, Diego Capel is actually an incredibly exciting prospect. A left-sided Spanish winger who has already attracted attention from Spurs and Arsenal, he bears more than a passing similarity to a young David Beckham, with sublime dribbling skills, confidence and pin-point crossing ability.

Giovani dos Santos Ramírez (age – 18, affiliation – Barcelona):

Son of former Brazilian star Zizinho, Giovani has already shown enough to suggest that he’ll surpass his father in the achievement stakes. Now a Mexican national, Gio impressed so much in Barcelona’s pre-season training that he was drafted into the first team squad this year, already playing 14 times for the Spanish giants. With a build and touch not dissimilar to a certain Ronaldinho, Giovani is certainly one to watch in the coming years. Check him out here:

Fran Mérida (age – 17, affiliation – Arsenal):

Craddle-snatched from Barcelona in the same way as Cesc Fabregas, young Mérida holds prodigal status throughout Cataluña and North London despite little more than training ground videos and youth team appearances. Now however he is on loan at Real Sociedad for the remainder of the current season so hopefully soon we will know exactly what we’re dealing with. Check some old footage for yourself here:

Sergio Aguero (age – 19, affiliation – Athletico Madrid):

Affectionately known as ‘Kun’ due to his resemblance to young Japanese anime characters, Aguero is another Argentine prodigy who made his senior league debut for Interpendiente at just 15 years 35 days, breaking the previous record held by Diego Maradona. After an inconsistent debut season with Atlético last year, where he was used only sparingly to partner the now departed Torres, Aguero has started the 07-08 season in the style to justify his rumoured 20million Euro price tag. His new partnership with Diego Forlán has already brought more than 20 goals in all competitions, becoming the second most prolific attacking partnership in Spain for the season so far. Set your face to ‘stun’ and watch here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzHI0rA6Bto

Toni Kroos (age – 18, affiliation – Bayern Munich):

Fast-tracked into the Bayern first team this season after a revelationary performance in the 2007 Under-17 World Cup, Toni has already made waves in the Bundesliga, instantly providing two assists in his debut for Miroslav Klose within 18 minutes of his introduction. Here’s an example of what he can do from the aforementioned U17 World Cup:

Maximiliano Moralez (age – 19, affiliation – FC Moscow):

At just 5’2”, young Maxi is another in the “new Maradona” mould. An exciting striker with unreal balance and brilliant shooting ability, he helped Argentina win the 2007 Under-20 World Cup, finishing personally as the third highest scorer and tournament’s second best player. Currently learning his trade like so many South Americans before him in Russia, expect Maxi to make the leap to a major European power within the next year…

Lulinha (age – 17, affiliation – Corinthians):

With a name meaning ‘Little Squid’ one might expect very little of this young Brazilian striker, but given that he helped the Brazilian national team win the 2007 U-17 South-American Championship with 12 goals in 7 matches, you’d be inclined to overlook the cartoon-esque moniker. Still playing in his native Brazil, very little is known about him across the pond, but supposedly he is now on Chelsea and Arsenal’s radar with a view to bring him over in 2009 when his contract ends with Corinthians. Check some highlights here:

So now the question becomes how come this country cannot produce anyone even remotely as exciting as any of the above guys? Wayne Rooney stands as the only shining example of true world-class ability birthed in recent memory. I’m sorry but if Theo Woolcott was good enough he would’ve already made it, even surrounded by the talent at Arsenal, so what next? Something as grass roots level simply has to change, and quickly, because the gulf is rapidly widening…

Dream Come True

Here’s a lesson to all the kids out there. Sometimes when you just wish for something hard enough, it can become a reality. A little while ago we speculated that David Beckham and new best friend Snoop Dogg might well be entering the studio to produce a rap duo, and while at the time that was ideal speculation, it now seems there might be some truth in it. Recently speaking to the Metro, Snoop himself confirmed that Becks plans a movie role and also a possible rap single to help raise his profile in the US!

STT for one wants to encourage this move as much as humanly possible, and suggests perhaps a remake of N.W.A classic Gangsta Gangsta as Becks’ first single, ideally rapping Ice Cube’s original verse in the weird pseudo-baby voice of his. “If he wants to do something musically with me, he's welcome” Snoop confirmed yesterday.

Check here for the first collaboration between the two, with Becks recently appearing on Snoop’s recently started reality TV show, the cleverly named Father Hood. You know, like, he’s a father, but he’s also from the hood, get me. It’s pretty embarrassing for all concerned, with Snoop calling Beckham “D Beck” and also saying his football skills are “tight.” Dear God Snoop’s kids look bored, someone get them a X-Box 360:

At the end of the day though, ego-massaging aside, their hearts are both in the right place as they also plan to use their fame to promote sports in innercity crime-ridden areas of Los Angeles. The campaign, which launches this month, aims to encourage youths tempted by gang lifestyles to instead consider turning to football, or American football, as an alternative. Not wanting to set the bar too high though, Snoop said “I hope this proves I do other things than go to jail, smoke weed and go back to jail.” Baby steps eh Snoop?

Diarra, Diarra, Diarra!!

With the move of Lassana Diarra to Portsmouth fresh in everyone’s mind, STT has decided to walk you through the current quagmire that is the Diarras. Now Alou, Lassana and Mahamadou are all of Malian descent but only Mahamadou has retained this Africa nationality, as the other two were both actually born in France so have featured for the French national side over the last few years. They were also all unfortunately tagged with the kisses of death “the new Patrick Viera” or “the new Claude Makélélé” by the media, but are they actually any good?

Although initially we had planned to get the three chaps together in STT’s editorial HQ and have a milk race to decide who was the king of the Diarras, our HSE man advised us that this probably wouldn’t be the best course of action. Instead therefore we offer you some words of wisdom to help you loyal reader to decide for yourself…

Alou:

Despite being attached to such European heavyweights as Bayern Munich, Liverpool and Lyon, Alou is perhaps the least successful and least well known of the Diarras. Despite being seen as somewhat of an embarrassment at Lyon last season, the club still received offers for the defensive midfielder from Manchester City, Portsmouth and Werder Bremen, before finally agreeing a sale worth €7.75m to rival French side Bordeaux. Improved form this season, along with a couple of vital goals, have earned him 12 caps for France now but at 26 years of age it certainly seems like Alou might have missed his window for greatness.

Lassana:Initially bought by Jose Mourinho at Chelsea seemingly to stop anyone else buying him, Lassana experienced only sporadic first team football during his two years at Stamford Bridge, appearing only 13 times before being sold to Arsenal at the last minute as August 2007’s transfer window closed. However, despite praise from Arsene Wenger and numerous impressive showings in the Carling Cup, once again, Lassana failed to attain the regular first team football he desired and deserved. Now at Portsmouth, the 22 year old defensive midfielder still has a chance to make a name for himself under Harry Redknapp, especially with the revelationary Sulley Muntari currently off on an African adventure with Ghana. The youngest of the bunch, Lassana could certainly shake off the unhelpful comparisons and actually achieve the same level of club and international success as Makélélé.

Mahamadou:

Perhaps the least known of the three to British readers, Mahamadou is on paper at least the best of the bunch, with 4 years of success at Lyon under his belt, and a dream move to Real Madrid last season. For the incredible price tag of €26m (£17.7m) you might expect the second coming, but as with the other two Diarras, Mahamadou is not a match winner but once again a “water carrier.” Strong, fit and with a fierce temper, he played a crucial role in Madrid’s La Liga title last year, allowing the likes of Guti and Robinho the space to play. Currently wanted by Inter Milan as a replacement for the soon-to-be-retiring Viera, I guess Mahamadou is the man most likely to succeed the veteran Frenchman as the desirable archetype for the next generation.

Attention Barney Ronay - The Championship is Better Than You Think

Ronay if you're reading this, go fuck yourself. Why you might ask? Well that toss-piece masquerading as a Guardian reporter wrote this.

Sure the primary focus of STT is the Premier League, and all the soap opera-esque baggage that comes with it, but at heart we also love the lower leagues just as much since they are as crucial to the UK’s rich footballing tapestry. We are lucky to have as many leagues as we do, and also the levels of attendance outside of the top flight too; just last season for example, the Championship was the fourth highest supported league in Europe, ahead of Serie A and only behind the Premier League, the Budesliga and La Liga. This is something to be proud of, not make fun of behind it’s back like a schoolgirl, selectively ignoring facts just to make everything coincide with a pre-determined and simplistic conclusion.

His opening gambit in this load of shite is:

“Don't be fooled by the success of Championship sides in the FA Cup. The nation's second tier represents all that is wrong with English football.”

As opposed to what Mr Ronay? Arsenal, who represent all that’s right with English football, with their starting XI of exactly zero English players? Or Liverpool, who for 45 minutes two nights ago struggled to outplay a team 2 leagues below them, in a famous old stadium where more than 40,000 home fans were absolutely silent? Or Chelsea, who’s ridiculously over-priced English players do their best to stay out of the way while the rest of the imported team muscle the opposition off the pitch?

I cannot actually get past the smug conceit of this statement:

“Watch a little Championship football and you realise fairly quickly that the Premier League, with its rag-bag of imported modernisms, is little more than a baroque footballing façade hurriedly Blue Tacked on to the dingy structure beneath. At the lower level the caveman football of pre-modern times - direct, hysterically fast-paced and valuing athleticism and stamina above all else - is still very much at large”
Wow those are some fancy words Barney, you paint quite a picture, I’m impressed. But what exactly do you think the rest of Europe thinks when they watch the Premier League? Are many sides in the top flight favouring the importation of young African players because they are blessed with the balance of Maradona and the shot of van Basten, or is it actually because they value “athleticism and stamina above all else?” To survive in this league you need to out-muscle the competition, assuming that you can’t just pluck the new Zidane out of thin air. As Alan Hansen once famously said, before you can nutmeg and attack defenders, first you have to earn the right to play. Putting aside moments within the top 6 or so teams, are you seriously telling me that there is any more skill in the Premier League than in the Championship?

“Trying to pass your way around the second-tier bullies requires a certain standard of player, as well as a degree of courage and patience.”

You use the FA Cup as an example but have somehow twisted it out of all recognition. If the likes of Liverpool, Newcastle, Fulham and Derby, to name just a few, were so much more gifted and intent on playing football in the face of the “lower level of caveman football” then why did they struggle so much? They bottled the physical side of game, and then were unable to use their superior footballing ability to simply pass the ball around a load of so-called Neanderthals.

Just because the Premier League is played at such a pace that it’s often totally out of control does not make it any better. Obviously there are exceptions, foreigners funded by the huge gulf in wealth, but more often than not the bullies are simply better paid in the Premier League. I think everyone would agree with you that supporters want entertainment and skill but that barely exists in the Premier League either! For every Torres or Fabregas there are 20 Championship-standard players with vastly inflated egos and bank balances going through the motions and you are simply blind to not realise this. The Premier League is often just as tedious as the Championship due to a similar lack of technique and invention, so what does that tell you? It’s a problem with the English game in general, and not just the lower leagues. If to compete in the Premier League all you needed was stopovers and tricks, then that’s also what the lower leagues would reflect, but as it is, Championship clubs achieve success by mimicking the likes of rising stars Aston Villa, Everton and Portsmouth who are built on strong backbones and competiveness. It’s only when you can compete physically that the likes of Ashley Young, Mikel Arteta and Benjani even come into play; without the muscle, they guys are simply luxuries getting cold out on the wings.

So in conclusion, great, your point was that the players in the Championship aren’t as good as those in the Premier League. While it’s impressive that you’ve grasped the concept of hierarchical systems so comprehensively, if that rudimentary point was all you intended to say then why did you feel the need to bait so many of the most passionate football fans in this country? Do not start pointing fingers at anyone else out of frustration that English players simply are not good enough to compete at the very highest level. Why do you think no English players are currently employed in any of the top leagues around Europe? Because they think 99% of us are shit! Because they realise that to be successful in this country you don’t actually have to be very good at football, just enormous and able to run all day.

That was the genius of Mourinho if you ask me. He was criticised for not applying the flowing attacking football of Porto to Chelsea, but in reality he was just astute enough to realise that wasn’t the key to win the Premier League. He is a winner and he found a way to win, by stifling the tiny proportion of talented flair players in the country with physicality and letting Drogba do the rest at the other end. It is patronising to suggest that other than a few select Premier League sides, the general aesthetic is any different. There are few unique talents in our leagues because they don’t want to be kicked off the park by the likes of Christopher Samba and Kevin Davies. You think Kaka or Messi ever watch the Premier League and think “I wish I could be playing there, the football’s so beautiful and measured and skilful?” You’re simply deluding yourself.

Despite what you might think from your ten minute exposure to the league Mr Ronay, there is skill in abundance from many sides, and virtually every former Premier League star who drops down raves about the commitment and work-ethic. No there’s not a Ronaldo, but how many other players in the top flight can do anything near what he can do anyway? And aside from Manchester United and Arsenal, how often do you actually see any true displays of team skill in the Premier League? The supposedly flair-packed Liverpool team struggle week in week out, scrapping out dull 1 – 1 draws with lesser opposition, hanging on until Gerrard or Torres can produce a piece of magic.

The Championship is exciting because anyone can beat anyone, and the league is not controlled just by money. Young British talent, often local to the club, is given the chance to thrive, and over-rated egos do not rule the roost. There’s very little diving or cheating, but a never-say-die attitude foreign to most top tier clubs. The fans outside of the top flight are there because they love their team and not just because some businessman has got a debenture to entertain clients. There’s singing and passion, rather than a pregnant silence followed by polite applause when inevitably Arsenal ‘win’ a last minute penalty. There is no insurmountable gulf between the top 4 clubs and the rest of the league, and there are certainly no billionaire sugar-daddy owners essentially playing Championship Manager with people’s clubs.

I assure you Mr Ronay, if you take issue with anything I have to say here, please drop me a line at the usual STT address and we can discuss this matter further. Or please contact any of the other Championship defenders who posted comments at the end of the ignorant and generalising drivel you call an article. No wonder they don’t let you write in the real paper with the grown-ups.

I’m sorry, I didn’t want to resort to irrational attacks, instead actually rebutting his insults, but if anyone knows this sanctimonious little prick, please tell him to fuck off from STT.