The New Wembley Chronicles Part 2

A little while ago, we ran a piece agreeing with some comments Gary Lineker made in reference to making this new Wembley an intimidating fortress. Now, as infrequently as I agree with Mr Lineker, he was spot-on, and now it seems that Ray Wilkins is getting in on the bandwagon, with comments like this in preparation for Wednesday’s make-or-break European Championship qualifier against group winners Croatia: “When Scotland and Italy walked out (on Saturday) you couldn't hear yourself think, but we don't have that at Wembley and we need to start producing that.”

Even on TV, the roar at Hampden Park was deafening and the passion immeasurable, both of the players and also of those fans drunk enough to have bagged tickets. “Lots of people keep questioning our young men about their passion and about their feeling for their country,” Wilkins said, “well, once an Englishman pulls on that England shirt, nobody has any more passion, I can assure you.” I’d question this comment somewhat, but that’s for another time.

What we are left with though is a chicken-and-egg situation, where the fans are apathetic and hyper-critical of the players because they are shit, whereas the players would complain that they’re shit only because there’s a real lack of crowd noise and support. Guys like Lampard and Bentley get booed when their names are called, but rather than right these perceived wrongs on the pitch by performing as well as we’re constantly told they can, they’d rather whinge about it to the media and get new haircuts.

What was most interesting about Wilkins’ statement though was this: “At the moment we haven't failed. If we go through on Wednesday (Steve McClaren) should keep the job and take us to Euro 2008.” Haven’t failed??!! Really Ray, exactly where have you been the last 18 months? We have capitulated and embarrassed ourselves time and time again in this qualifying stage of the competition, having to leave it to the very last minute, once again, to hopefully secure advancement into the finals. This was among the weakest groups around and yet we’ve consistently struggled, with last year’s back-to-back matches against Macedonia and Croatia literally among the worst 5 performances I have ever seen from anyone. Ever. And I’ve watched pre-pubescent girls with down syndrome play.

Rant over.

Anyway, so in conclusion, I heartily agree that we as England fans should be loud and passionate and get behind the team as much as humanly possible at this spectacular new stadium and elsewhere around the world…but only when things change and we actually put out a team worth supporting.

Pesh Diver

Scotland play Italy this weekend and need to get a result if they are going to make it to Euro 2008 - a coup of Brucian proportions if England don't make it. If they win, I imagine scenes like this may grace many pub toilets:


Piss Diver - Watch more free videos

Those bastards are crazy. I hope he's had his jabs.

Madd and mental props to the Tom 'The Sexual Bastille' Loader.

Israel : A Dummy's Guide

Since England’s hopes of qualifying for the 2008 European Championships now rest on the slight shoulders of the Israeli side, who must take at least a point off Russia to give us a hope of making it through, we at STT thought now would be a good chance to get behind our Jewish brothers and show them some support. The game takes place on Saturday at 6 p.m. so you all have plenty of time to absorb the below guide on to how to best support Israel on this Judgement Day of Terminator 2-esque proportions:

What to wear

A white doo-rag and black top hat on your head, quoiffed sideburns and a black suit with a white shirt. Batman-style cloak is optional and encouraged. Thankfully Burberry and Stone Island have both just released their 2007 ‘Festival of Light’ range so you shouldn’t find it too hard to pick these items up on any average high street.

What to read

The Torah; cracking little yarn about a talking snake, a pimp daddy who had 40 kids by 40 different women and an O.G. (original gangsta) named Moses. Highly recommended, although it does only come printed on a scroll which is not only hard to read in confined space, but it also likely to be thought of as a weapon and removed on sight by proactive policemen.

What to eat

Falafel; deep-fried minced chick peas usually served in a pitta bread that is the “McDonalds double cheeseburger” of Judaism, enjoyed by all the best hoodrats and street punks. It might not have any meat in it, but covered in ketchup, mayo and chilli sauce, tastes about the same as anything else from your local Kebab establishment of choice.

What to drink

Botz; despite literally meaning ‘muddy coffee,’ Wikipedia tells me that it is the drink most associated with “young, dynamic people who do not care about having their coffee prepared in a more ‘bourgeois’ way.” Sounds perfect, although how you can get more ‘bourgeois’ than Bovril (with a slight skin on top) I do not know.

What to sing

“El, El, Israel!” which approximately translates into English as:

“Your sister is your mother,
Your uncle is your brother,
You all fuck one another…
The RUSSIAN family!
der der der der…(clap, clap)…der der der der…(clap, clap) x 2”

Hopefully no-one’s who’s actually Jewish has been too offended by this to re-visit STT in the future! If you are then please, rather than boycotting the site altogether (dictionary definition of ‘cutting off your nose to spite your face’), drop me a line at the usual e-mail address and I shall send you a Christmas-themed edible treat by means of reconciliation.

Ban This Filth!

Just weeks after finally beginning his season at the end of October, following an ongoing foot injury, Joey Barton has already shown himself for the unbelievable piece of shit he is by flying in with waist high stamp/tackle on all-round gent Dixon Etuhu during this weekend’s Wear-Tyne derby.

Just 25 years old, Mr Barton has proved to everyone time and time again what kind of man he is, and we at STT just fail to see why people continue to indulge him. With a track record like he had at Manchester City, what did Newcastle think they were buying? A good professional? Bringing the game into disrepute doesn’t even begin to cover some of the incidents he has been involved in over the course of his brief five year career to date, yet the arrogance with which he swaggers would have you believe he was an award-winning ambassador for the sport.

It all started in 2004, when during an FA Cup game with Tottenham, he managed to get himself sent off during the half time break by arguing with the referee. Next, during a pre-season friendly with Doncaster Rovers, he took a kick at an opposition player for some reason, and managed to spark a 10 man brawl. Perhaps the pinnacle of his scumbag behaviour however came later this year at an infamous club Christmas party where, as part of the festivities, he decided to put a cigar out in a young trainee player’s eye. Instead of sacking him for this horrific incident, the club fined him £60,000 (two weeks wages) and politely asked him to try not to do it again.

The following summer Barton decided to get even tougher, and start a fight with someone even younger, when, on tour with the club in Thailand, he punched a 15 year old Everton fan in the face and had to be restrained from doing further damage by Man City gentle giant Richard Dunne. Again dismissal was rumoured, but it was decided that another fine (this time £120,000) would be enough to teach Barton a lesson in social conduct. A written transfer request followed, as well as incidents of mooning opposition crowds, all actions that Barton laughs off as products of his rapier-like sense of humour.

Here’s the point in his career where he makes the mistake of opening his mouth to the media. You see, our Joey’s not exactly blessed with the greatest intellect, and upon finally being called up to the England squad to face Spain in a friendly, he thought it wise to first criticise the team over their 2006 World Cup campaign:

"England did nothing in that World Cup, so why were they (Gerrard, Lampard etc) bringing books out?” Barton quipped, “'We got beat in the quarter-finals. I played like shit. Here's my book.' Who wants to read that?" Amazingly he was praised for his honesty by certain national squad members but still, as un-professionalism goes, this was up there even for Barton.

Still not learning his lesson, he next turned his loudspeaker onto Manchester City, calling their performances and recent signings “substandard,” leading to somewhat of a falling out with manager Stuart Pearce. The final, final straw came however during another bit of light-hearted fun, this time on the training ground where Barton assaulted his own team mate Ousmane Dabo in front of a group of on-looking children, brought to the exhibition match as a treat. Dabo urged the police to pursue criminal charges after he suffered a detached retina, but strangely everything has gone very quiet on this front. City rightly washed their hands of him and apparently Newcastle were all too happy to take him off their hands, splashing out £5.8 million for the privilege as well.

Outside of the game, Joey’s had his moments as well. In 2005 he broke a pedestrian’s leg after hitting him with his car driving through Liverpool town centre at 2 a.m., definitely not drunk. Again, amazingly nothing ever came of this. Similarly a year later during an FA Cup game with Aston Villa, Barton pushed a female steward over and called her a “slag” in front of police officers, but once more, they felt that a telling off would more than suffice for such a sensitive soul. Finally, just 6 months ago, Barton was arrested on suspicion of criminal assault and criminal damage after an incident with a taxi driver, that bizarrely, but not for the first time, never made it to court. If all this wasn’t enough to turn you off, Joey’s half-brother Michael was also involved in the racially motivated axe murder of 18 tear old Anthony Walker in 2005, and is now rotting in jail for 17 years.

Despite all of this though, our Joseph is still thought of as a great British prospect by some, and hangs out with Ricky Hatton and Noel Gallagher in his spare time, and gets paid £70,000 a week, and manages to date girls that look like this-

What is the world coming to?

Ok, I’ll just cut to the chase and say in 5 words what I’ve tried to articulate over the course of the past 800 words - he is a complete cunt.

Thanks to my cunt eleven for making this so very clear to us.

Obscure South American of the Week Cinco

Name – Alessandro Faiolhe Amantino Mancini a.k.a Mancini

Affiliation - Roma

Reason for coolness – All kinds of awesomeness in the trick department, but it was this hurricane of step-overs and shell of a shot against Lyon in last season’s Champions League that raised eyebrows:

Reason for Obscurity – As ever it’s hard to say, but the fact that he has been so consistently, and criminally, overlooked for the Brazilian national team plays a big part.

Already quite a seasoned performer at 27, Mancini has been wowing Serie A for a good few years now at Roma, but due to various factors, has never really had the exposure of a Ronaldinho or even a Robinho, despite having just as much skill and flair. Originally a wing-back in his native Brazil, Mancini fulfilled his attacking potential when he joined the Italian giants in 2003, and is now regularly cast in free-flowing front 3 for Roma to fully utilize his pace and breathless trickery.

Controversy brewed just last season however, when rumours flew that he had fallen out with club legend, and professional ponce, Francesco Totti, meaning that he would be more than likely shown the backdoor. Despite the purchase of Christian Wilhelmsson as his potential replacement, Mancini stayed on, and continued to produce match-winning performances to delight the fans and put Totti back into his box.

It seems that following the above-mentioned sensational goal against Lyon last season, people seem to have finally recognised Mancini for the talent he is, with Liverpool supposedly sniffing around the lightning winger this past summer, no doubt as a replacement for permanent parolee Jermaine Pennant. Lyon have themselves also shown a keen interest in him, with fellow Brazilian maestros Cris, Fred and Juninho obvious draws, but still his future is undecided. In an unprecedented show of arrogance, Totti demands to be the one Roma player not susceptible to the club’s salary cap, and if they fail to break it for Mancini as well, then it looks like he will be on his way shortly as both Liverpool and Lyon have got the major Reais necessary to tempt him away from Italy.

As much as I love Dunga, and am jealous of his phenomenal wardrobe, he really is missing a trick ignoring Mancini for the national side. Admittedly, finding him a spot in a midfield that already boasts Elano, Kaka and Ronaldinho might not be too easy, but when you look at the rubbish that represents England, surely Dunga can find him a spot on the bench at least. It’s just depressing otherwise.

Anyway, peep for yourself what he has in his locker here -

We agree, Alessandro.

UPDATE: Rumours abound that Mancini has fallen out with Roma's coach, Luciano Spalletti and he may be moving on in January. Both Liverpool and Lyon have asked after his availability and we know who pays better wages between those two. Mancini may prove to be an excellent late Christmas present for the red half of Liverpool.

Give Linesmen a Reason to Complain

Referees and their ‘assistants’ moan a lot these days about the way English footballers behave towards them and generally disrespect them. However, for a real reason to get shirty, check out this recent clip from the Italian Serie B league and see how they roll in the boot-shaped country. Upon being sent off for presumably a pretty shocking tackle, Mr Ganea flips out and brings the pain to the linesman in question, before fighting half of his own team. G’d up from the feet up:

Attaccante picchia guardalinee
Uploaded by mmatrix

Ebbsfleet United Bought by Unruly Mob

In one of the boldest and mosty interesting football ventures (gimmicks?) of recent times, MyFootballClub.co.uk have bought a cotrolling stake in Ebbsfleet United. Leeds, Oxford United and Accrington Stanley have also been mooted as targets, but it seems that the 'owners' have decided to put their money where their collective mouth is. The great unwashed public have all been welcome to join the scheme, so there should be a few interesting characters in board meetings!

So, who are Ebbsfleet, anyway? The club is a redux of Gravesend and Northfleet FC, renamed to tie in with the redevelopment of the area and to take advantage of the name of the nearby Eurostar Station - Ebbsfleet International. Their most famous former players are the irreverent Jimmy Bullard and Pompey backup keeper Jamie Ashdown. However, these luminaries are no longer at the club, so the new owners will have to pick from stars such as Luke Coleman, Danny Slatter and Paul McCarthy. Personally, I couldn't fit a Rizla between those 3.


The new structure is very different from a standard football club, as the owners pick the team and vote to appoint the board. This means that any manager will now only be head coach and will have to go with the democratic decision of the shareholders, or face the tin tack. This sounds stupid, but it's only an extra step away from the situation with a number of clubs in Spain, including Real Madrid and Barcelona. The force of fans as owners has been constricting and enabling at different times for these 2 teams, but Barcelona's relative rejuvination in the last 10 years has been partly down to the force of the grass roots purging the front office. If the lads and ladies who parted with their £35 give half as much of a shit as their Spanish counterparts then Ebbsfleet should be alright.

The problem is, many of these people will have bought their stake for novelty value and may be deeply disappointed that their money has bought them a tiny slice of an average Conference side. Let's hope that the owners don't decide to select the team in a mad drunken last minute scramble at 11:00 on a Friday night, choosing a strike pairing of 'that big bald fella' and 'captain bloke wassisface', with 'my arse' in goal.

Wick to Wembley

As the FA Cup got properly underway this passed weekend, we at STT feel it’s now time to disperse a little bit of our internet spotlight onto another excellent blog worthy of your precious time. Masterfully called ‘Wick to Wembley,’ its an attempt to regain a little bit of grass roots football magic following site runner ‘Sniffer’ as he embarks on an epic journey to capture the entire spectrum of the FA Cup.

His mission statement is simple: go and watch your local club (Wick in this case) in the Extra Preliminary Round of qualifying in August and then, whichever team wins, go and see them in the next round, and whoever wins that, follow them into the next stage…and so on and so forth…all the way to Wembley! The theatre of dreams. The palace of hope. The mansion of cheese.

It’s a cracking idea, and as you can see from the site yourself, he faces a trip to Cambridgeshire and the glamorous prospect of Cambridge United v Weymouth next up in the second round, having already endured Dartford, Camberley, Bromley and Eastbourne among others. Anyway enough drivel, set your face to ‘smile’ and check out his exploits here.

Gameweek 13 – ‘The Earl of Derby’

Happy Monday everyone, hopefully we’re all feeling nicely rested for the next delightful five day slice of office life. Big news this weekend was the derbies, where on Wearside Sunderland and Newcastle shared the points (and perhaps spared some bloodshed), but in the country’s second city, Aston Villa pinched a late winner to crush Blues fans’ hearts. The passion on display was more than admirable in both. Elsewhere, Spurs seem to be rolling at last, producing a commanding performance against a struggling Wigan side, while Derby’s woes also continue as they were humiliated at home by the Hammers. Liverpool left it late but finally scored in the Premier League for the first time in about 18 months, while Man United kept their breathless form going with a decent victory over Blackburn at Old Trafford. With two games in hand over the defending champions, Arsenal play Reading away tonight and a win would take the Gunners joint top.

Premier League Team of the Week (based on OPTA stats, Fantasypremierleague.com ratings and my own expert eye):

Keeper – Joe Harte (clean sheet and several world class saves to deny a dangerous Pompey side)

Defence – Nobby Solano (superlative set piece delivery and a cracking goal), Danny Higginbotham (great defensive work to marshall Owen and Viduka, topped off by a vital first goal for the club), Richard Dunne (as excellent as ever with several true goal-saving tackles in the penalty box)

Midfield – Lee Bowyer (playing the best football of his career, even with a groin op scheduled for tomorrow), Steven Gerrard (inspiring performance in another somewhat flat overall performance from the Scousers), Jermaine Jenas (clearly enjoyed himself and could’ve bagged a hat trick), Christiano Ronaldo (a constant threat and two excellent goals), Gabriel Agbonlahor (five star performance from lifetime Villa fan)

Up Top – Dimitar Berbatov (answered some critics with a great display that had everything but a goal)

Weekly Awards:

Goal of the Week – Have to give this one to Nobby Solano for his beautifully placed free kick, finally making amends for those dire misses over the last couple of games.

Meg of the Week – Ace potential Bond villan Jonathon Spector slots the ball expertly through Eddie Lewis legs on the line to open West Ham’s account at Pride Park.

Save of the Week – Joe Hart for just getting enough contact on a Glen Johnson thunderbolt to tip it onto the bar.

Skill of the Week – Javier Mascherano busts some South American flair by backheeling in between Volz and Murphy to turn them both at Anfield.

Attempt of the Week – Matty Upson cracks a half volley against the bar direct from a corner. Di Canio would be proud at the effort.

Miss of the Week – Didier Drogba!5 yards out! Keeper nowhere to be seen…oh he’s fallen over.

Nearest Lampard came to Contributing…er, of the Week – Megged Leon Osman pretty badly, but I doubt it was intentional.

Gaffe of the Week – Paul McShane and Craig Gordon somehow contrive to let James Milner’s speculative cross/shot drift into the far corner to give Newcastle a share of the points at the Stadium of Light.

I-Hope-Someone-Got-Fired-for-That Moment of the Week – David Bentley takes the field against Man United wearing a shirt that has ‘Betnley’ on the back.

Day-Off of the Week – Rob Green; fielded one back pass from Derby with a minute left on the clock. Managed to whip through this week’s Heat though so not a complete waste of an afternoon.

ASBO of the Week – Tie between Michael Essien and Joey Barton who both managed to produce tackles nearly as bad as Binya’s disgraceful leg-breaking attempt from midweek.

Olympic Audition of the Week – Anything Torres can attempt, Tim Cahill can do properly as he smashes the equalizer against Chelsea with an overhead kick. According to Motty it was a “typical goal for him,” yeah for me too…

Whinge of the Week – Laurie Sanchez once again laments about his “usual Monday morning letter to Keith Hackett,” following the decision that awarded Liverpool a last minute penalty. Please stop complaining, your team is just not very good and you were already 1 – 0 down.

Lie of the Week – Talking about the same incident, Crouch-ing Tiger Hidden Dragon boasts “I was ready to have a shot at goal and I’m sure it would’ve flown in.” Really Peter, really??

Quote of the Week – All talking about Derby, here are some gems to help warm the fans’ hearts over the next week or so:

Billy Davies - “It was men against boys.”

Lawro - “The worst defeat (this season) and the worst performance.”

‘Big’ Alan Shearer - “So poor it was incredible.”

Hero of the Week – Fernando Torres for making an immediate impact at Anfield to secure them the points. Showed more pace, intent and striking ability in 10 minutes than the rest of the team managed in the preceding 80 put together.

Zero of the Week – Unfortunately once again it has to be Billy Davies. Derby have lost their last five games in a row and have failed to score in the last eight hours of Premier League football. It does not look good.

Personal Highlight of the Week – Seeing a few local lads contest both the Birmingham derby and the Wearside derby, and it actually meaning something to them. Not that you’d realize from Agbonlahor and Leadbitter’s post match interviews though…shame personality bypasses seem mandatory these days. In a perfect world Robbie Savage would write everyone’s interview material. Or Steve Coogan.

Jose The Big Bad Playground Bully

Jose before his bullying days

If all the Premiership managers from the past few seasons were all in the playground at school together, there would be a few certainties. Big Sam and Harry Redknapp would be gambling and smoking tabs behind the bike sheds, while Roy Keane administered a vicious bog-flushing to the nerdy Arsene Wenger. Martin Jol would be the class clown and Bobby Robson would be the guy that everyone liked. Aidy 'sicknote' Bothroyd and Glenn 'cancer head' Roeder would be picked last for the kickaround, while Graeme Souness would constantly be in lunchtime detention for his dour and surly attitude.

Keano might not have been the biggest bully, however. Fergie would run the playground like it was his manor, occasionally inviting the other child managers into his office in the scout hut, to drink vintage fizzy pop and recruit them to his gang. Jose Mourinho would be the nastiest piece of work there, pontificating to anyone and everything, occasionally scrapping with boys big and small. Now a 44 year old man, it seems that Mourinho still has the vengeful vitriol of youth, as he proceeded to accost a 12 year old lad after the child had a disagreement with Jose's daughter:

The self-proclaimed 'Special One' flew into a rage when his 11-year-old daughter told him about playground jibes that he was not "the best", it has been revealed.

He found the culprit, a 12-year-old schoolboy, and held him by the hair while he "pulled" his ears, the Portuguese newspaper Correio da Manha reported.

Mr Mourinho, 44, was then summoned before the headmistress and made to formally apologise to his tearful victim and his family.

Read the full story, as told by the Evening Standard, which has at least 3 reporters stalking Mourinho at all times. From the sounds of things, the kid probably deserved it. At the time of press, there are unconfirmed rumours that he said Jose's haircut was 'well gay'.