Gameweek 34 – ‘Aquarium’

Happy Monday folks and back in the saddle again. Obvious focal point this weekend was at Old Trafford where Manchester United all but sealed the title in a superlative showing against Arsenal, coming from behind to put the final nail in Arsene Wenger’s season. Chelsea play tonight and can stay in touch, but this display of resolve has surely signaled their very real intent to capture another Premier League/Champions league double. Liverpool also continued their excellent form of late, completely dominating a decent Blackburn side with Gerrard and Torres once again on the score-sheet for Rafa’s men.

Down at the bottom things continue to remain interesting as Bolton and Fulham both recorded hard-fought wins, and Birmingham and Sunderland dropped points against much stronger opposition to drag them back into the danger area. It will take a herculian effort for Fulham to rescue themselves, but just two points away from safety now, Bolton will fancy rolling up their sleeves and staying in the top flight for another year.

In the mid-table wastelands, Villa delivered the performance of the weekend to blow Derby away, and Manchester City pinched a somewhat unjustified three points to stay in the top 8. Draws for Pompey, Newcastle, Middlesbrough and Tottenham keep things tight, but with neither European qualification or relegation on the cards, they are all very much winding down now for the season.

Premier League Team of the Week (based on OPTA stats, Fantasypremierleague.com ratings and my own expert eye):

Keeper – Ali Al Habsi (impressive throughout)

Defence – Patrice Evra (superb as ever at the back and going forward), Joleon Lescott (another big performance and ninth goal this season), Radhi Jaidi (solid), Paul Stalteri (definitely improving at his new club)

Midfield – Steven Gerrard (catalyst), Owen Hargreaves (perfection), Gareth Barry (singled out, but whole Villa midfield was again excellent), Stuart Downing (enterprising all game and sweet strike for the Boro equaliser)

Up Top – Mauro Zarate (another zero added to the young Argentine’s price tag), Kevin Davies (doing what he does best)

Weekly Awards:

Goal of the Week – Stilian Petrov throws his name in the hat for goal of the season with an inch-perfect half-volley from about 40 yards. For footage of all six Villa goals, click here. Any other week though cracking volleys from Roque Santa-Cruz and Dean Whitehead would be in definite contention so it’s worth mentioning them to.

Nutmeg of the Week – Stevie Gerrard masterfully nails walking man-mountain Chris Samba in the build up to his opener at Anfield.

Save of the Week – Mr Al Habsi superbly tipped over Dean Ashton’s audacious bicycle kick.

Skill of the Week – Simply because Arsene Wenger apparently hates showboating so much, Cristiano Ronaldo’s amazing little touchline stepover routine to wind down the clock at Old Trafford takes the biscuit. Check it about 11:40 into this video of the game’s highlights:

Manchester United 2 - Arsenal 1 (MOTD)

Posted to 101 Great Goals by Ronaldo on April 13, 2008

Click to Play View Details

Miss of the Week – Liam Ridgewell shows quite an impressive level of inability to fire over from 2 yards out, finding himself in acres of room following McFadden’s corner.

Attempt(s) of the Week – Part-time democracy installer and all round nice guy Brian McBride crashes the Reading crossbar with a sublime volley on the run from outside the box. Never one to be outdone, Jimmy Bullard also found the woodwork a couple of layers of paint too thick from a delightful freekick.

Own-Goal Attempt of the Week – Rio tried his best to beat Edwin van der Sar at his near post but thankfully for United the Dutchmen was familiar with Ferdinand’s desire to humorously merc him.

Unexpected Acrobatics of the Week – Central defender Steven Taylor tries his luck with a scissor kick against Portsmouth. Van Basten eat your heart out. Well, nearly.

Sniper-on-the-roof Moment of the Week – Manchester City substitute Sturridge took one in the kneecap to win a penalty at the Stadium of Light.

Gaffe of the Week – It seems cruel to kick him when he’s down but Roy Carroll had an absolute mare against Villa, kind of at fault for most of their goals.

ASBO of the Week – Martin Skrtel was on fine bruising form, first escaping punishment for an over-the-ball crunch and then simply throwing Jason Roberts to the ground as the Blackburn man sprinted towards goal.

Controversy of the Week – A certain Arsenal player putting his side ahead at Old Trafford with what was quite obviously a hand. And Arsene Wenger’s reaction you might wonder? “What’s a hand? Who’s Adebayor? I’ve never even heard of this ‘football’ you keep going on about!”

Statistic of the Week – Fernando Torres has now scored in his last seven consecutive Anfield appearances so give Ronaldo a serious challenge for Player of the Season.

Jess of the Week – Apparently Philip Senderos’ season is over because he is “mentally shattered.” In a bizarre coincidence, the Swiss word for “mentally shattered” is actually the same as for “shit.”

Hyperbole of the Week – “He wasn't born, he was chiseled out of an oak tree.” The 5Live commentator clearly got Tom Huddlestone’s envelope of cash then. For the record, the only man actually chiseled out of any kind of tree is Jean-Claude Van Damage.

Quote of the Week – “It's not something I've practised, I just thought I'd give it a go.” Radhi Jaidi talking about his somewhat comical star-jump distraction techniques in front of Tim Howard as Zarate lined up the equalizing freekick. He was offside, so how that isn’t interfering will play I will never know.

Honesty of the Week – Harry Redknapp: “I just want to win the FA Cup - that’s all that matters now to be perfectly truthful. If you said to me finish fifth or win the FA Cup, I want to win the Cup.”

Hero of the Week – Brian McBride for inspiring Fulham to a last-grasp push for survival, with Roy Hodgson’s side recording their first success away from home since 2006.

Zero of the Week – Officially out of all competitions in five days, Arsene Wenger is this week’s zero once again. Don’t take this is a personal vendetta though; for a club with aspirations as big as Arsenal’s, this season really has been just another enormous failure, and one that Wenger could’ve avoided had he not been so arrogant and failed to buy anyone in the January transfer window.

Personal Highlight of the Week – Not having to run the London Marathon, but seeing plenty of awesome Mascot suits going the distance. Kudos to the guys dressed as rhinos, the Wombles (obviously), and my personal favourite, the giant Cornish pasty.

Ca$hley Begs for Another Chance

Just hours before the “highlight of the British music calender” kicked off last night at Earls Court, Cheryl Tweedy came face-to-face with Ashley Cole for the first time since revelations about him trying to sex with a fat girl and being sick on her came to light. They got together in an exclusive Kensington hotel for about an hour, where in a microcosm of their whole relationship, he pleaded on bended knee while she lay on the bed crying. The Sun did the country a great service by having a guy standing in the room next door with a glass up against the walls listening in to this emotional showdown. He had these words: “Cole knew this was his last chance, but he still hasn’t been forgiven. Cheryl was a wreck. All the recovering she has done in the last three weeks was blown away by seeing Ashley again.”

Following a relaxing vacation in Thailand and a stint in LA to record a slutty new music video, Cheryl still seemed pretty stressed later as Girls Aloud paraded themselves on the red carpet minus Irish trouser-tightener Nadine, who has supposedly quit the band this week. The tanned Cheryl took great pride in showing off her ring-less hand, while the press took great pride in trying to get up-skirt photos of the four girls.

In other slightly relevant football news, Peter Crouch’s main squeeze Abbey Clancy, that well-known musical talent, was also at the BRIT Awards last night for some reason. However, in a practical joke of Jimmy Bullard-esque proportions, she was tricked into wearing a see through dress:

Gameweek 25 – ‘No Country for Old Sven’

Happy Monday loyal readership and excuse the pretty lame pun in the title, it’s been a long week. Please do go see No Country for Old Men at the cinema though, it’s cracking. As is Cloverfield actually while we’re at it; absorbing and seriously intense, you’ll be surprised at how well the standard Godzilla formula has been flipped by Lost masterminds JJ Abrams and Drew Goddard. But I digress.

Not a lot of goals this weekend but an interesting set of games nonetheless, with the shock of the weekend taking place at Craven Cottage where Roy Hodgson recorded his first victory as Fulham manager, coming from behind to stun Aston Villa and their European aspirations. Elsewhere near the top of the tree, Liverpool finally won a League game in 2008, making a meal of Sunderland and still not playing with anything like the fluidity Benitez would expect. Arsenal on the other hand never really needed to get out of 2^nd gear up at Eastlands, with Sven’s reality check continuing for the blue half of Manchester. Chelsea earned a hard-fought point down at Fratton Park, and despite taking the lead through Anelka, were probably lucky to get anything from the game in the end. Manchester United also struggled for the first time in weeks, this time against an increasingly impressive Tottenham side however, who finally have the defensive organization to compliment their attacking talent.

Back down at the bottom, wins for Wigan and Bolton make the relegation battle more interesting, while a dismal match at St Andrews saw Birmingham and Derby share a point. Realistically any three from the current bottom eight could face the drop but you have to feel that maybe Reading, Birmingham, Middlesbrough, Bolton and Sunderland have just enough to milk the cash cow for another season…

Premier League Team of the Week (based on OPTA stats, Fantasypremierleague.com ratings and my own expert eye):

Keeper – Tim Howard (another clean sheet for the Tourrette-tastic Yank and a great save from a late Bentley freekick)

Defence – Bacary Sagna (great showing again, in both attack and defence), Pascal Chimbonda (vital effort in what was a much improved overall defensive performance from Spurs), Jaime Carragher (rock solid at the back and great cross for the game’s opener), Gary Cahill (superb debut to add steel to Bolton’s backline)

Midfield – Tom Huddlestone (answering his critics with a dominating game), Antonio Valencia (tricky and inventive throughout), Mikel Arteta (excellent contribution from the Spanish magician)

Up Top – Dimitar Berbatov (finally looks like his old self now), Carlos Tevez (great build-up play and work-rate, topped with a point-saving poach), Emmanuel Adebayor (unplayable at the moment)

Weekly Awards:

Goal of the Week – Rapier sharp Eduardo pounced on Adebayor’s cushioned header to swivel and acrobatically volley Arsenal to a 2 – 0 lead at the City of Manchester stadium.

Nutmeg of the Week – The somewhat elusive Elano broke out a bit of Brazilian craft on Gael Clichy.

Save of the Week – The impressive Cerny scrambled to keep out a blistering Anderson shot late on at White Hart Lane.

Gaffe of the Week – Normally reliable, Clichy had his pocket picked to set up Manchester City’s goal as he casually toyed with the ball near his own penalty box.

Gypsy Curse of the Week – Still no league win for Newcastle under Kevin Keegan but at least now they’ve scored a goal. If I learnt anything from that dirty weekend with Jose Antonio Reyes, it’s that when traveling folk are trying to give you a hint, you might as well just bite the pillow and think of England …

Miss of the Week – Gary O’Connor fluffed a header at an open goal from 2 yards out but was thankfully saved embarrassment by the linesman’s offside flag.

Attempt of the Week– Blackburn’s Manuel Fernandes beat Howard with a beautifully curled freekick from long-range, only for it to rebound back off the post

Acrobat of the Week - Peter Crouch's attempted scissor kick before he scored his opener was truly Crouch-tastic. Time nearly stopped, but the gangly guy's attempt was well saved by Craig Gordon. He don't need no step ladder.

Get Out Jail Free Card of the Week – Carlos Tevez keeps Manchester United in touch with Arsenal by poaching a 94^th minute equalizer with literally the game’s last kick.

Hand of God…er, of the Week – David Dunn’s miraculously escapes a second booking for one of the most deliberate handballs you will ever see. 5 minutes later, he clears a Jagielka header off the line…

ASBO of the Week – Zurab Khizanishvili reminds Andy Johnson he’s there by flykicking the chrome-domed England man about 3 feet up into the air in the penalty area.

Forcefield of the Week – Rob Green’s jedi training held strong as Ecuadorian international Valencia’s shot rattles off both posts but miraculously stays out at the JJB Stadium.

“You Need Glasses!!” Moment of the Week – Juliano Belletti clearly blocks Milan Baros’ flick with his arm to keep it out the penalty area. Further proof that the big teams always get the benefit of the doubt?

Debut of the Week – Jermaine Defoe offered a glimpse of the talent he had all those years ago at West Ham by scoring on his Pompey debut, in an all-round energetic performance. He has been rewarded with a place in Capello's first 23 man England squad.

Controversy of the Week – This whole debarcle over AJ’s late disallowed goal at Ewood Park. Further proof that not even the officials fully understand the ludicrous active/inactive offside law. Why did we complicate matters so much with this law? If you’re on the pitch, you are intrinsically active, simple as that. Unless you’re Frank Lampard anyway.

Comeback of the Week – STT favourite and high-jinx specialist Jimmy Bullard reminds everyone how great he was before that horrific injury, with this absolute pearler of a freekick, which is even more impressive, considering he was getting smacked in the face by team mates during the game:

Quote of the Week – Lee Dixon offered this to describe the exciting but ultimately goalless Blackburn vs Everton game: “The linesmen and the referee have to take huge blame for it ending 0 – 0.” Recently this seems a more and more common trait as the officials are eager to be noticed rather than fair.

Hero of the Week – New Argentinian signing Emanuel Villa scored with his first touch in a Derby shirt to save a valuable last minute point for the seemingly-doomed Rams.

Whinge of the Week – Alan Curbishley waxes lyrical about what was admittedly an abysmal mud-bath of a pitch at Wigan: “Its embarrassing to play on a pitch like that in the Premier League…it’s not condusive to anyone trying to get the ball down and pass it.”

Zero of the Week – Ashley Cole celebrated his freedom from living a lie through a predictably average performance at Portsmouth, whose faithful chanted “Where’s your girlfriend gone, WHERE’S YOUR GIRLFRIEND GONE??!!” every time he went near the ball.

Personal Highlight of the Week – Cheryl, if you’re reading this, I have not stopped thinking about you since the first time I saw you in ‘The Drink’ on that now infamous night, I felt something then and I know you did too. The press will try to keep us apart but to hell with them, and to hell with the world if they can’t handle it. You only get this chance once or twice in a lifetime and I can’t let you slip through my fingers a second time. Drop me an e-mail and we can work something out officially, I don’t want another misunderstanding like last year when I had to spend that night in jail after your bodyguard called the Filth. I wasn’t even doing anything! The video camera and the bag of hair were on the road outside when I got there, and as for my trousers, well believe it or not, but I was actually robbed by a pack of street ruffians on the walk. Also, on an unrelated note, I have some of your underwear to return.

Ebbsfleet United Bought by Unruly Mob

In one of the boldest and mosty interesting football ventures (gimmicks?) of recent times, MyFootballClub.co.uk have bought a cotrolling stake in Ebbsfleet United. Leeds, Oxford United and Accrington Stanley have also been mooted as targets, but it seems that the 'owners' have decided to put their money where their collective mouth is. The great unwashed public have all been welcome to join the scheme, so there should be a few interesting characters in board meetings!

So, who are Ebbsfleet, anyway? The club is a redux of Gravesend and Northfleet FC, renamed to tie in with the redevelopment of the area and to take advantage of the name of the nearby Eurostar Station - Ebbsfleet International. Their most famous former players are the irreverent Jimmy Bullard and Pompey backup keeper Jamie Ashdown. However, these luminaries are no longer at the club, so the new owners will have to pick from stars such as Luke Coleman, Danny Slatter and Paul McCarthy. Personally, I couldn't fit a Rizla between those 3.


The new structure is very different from a standard football club, as the owners pick the team and vote to appoint the board. This means that any manager will now only be head coach and will have to go with the democratic decision of the shareholders, or face the tin tack. This sounds stupid, but it's only an extra step away from the situation with a number of clubs in Spain, including Real Madrid and Barcelona. The force of fans as owners has been constricting and enabling at different times for these 2 teams, but Barcelona's relative rejuvination in the last 10 years has been partly down to the force of the grass roots purging the front office. If the lads and ladies who parted with their £35 give half as much of a shit as their Spanish counterparts then Ebbsfleet should be alright.

The problem is, many of these people will have bought their stake for novelty value and may be deeply disappointed that their money has bought them a tiny slice of an average Conference side. Let's hope that the owners don't decide to select the team in a mad drunken last minute scramble at 11:00 on a Friday night, choosing a strike pairing of 'that big bald fella' and 'captain bloke wassisface', with 'my arse' in goal.