It Ain’t Over(mars) Till the Fat Lady Sings

Regulars to this site will probably tell you that it’s not very often that we are kind towards Arsenal or any of their associates. There’s the odd player over the years that slips through the net though. That is to say that for every undeniable prick like Freddie Ljundberg, there is class act like Thierry Henry that transcends the ‘Arsenal-ness’ of the rest of the team and manages to be almost likeable. The above man is another example of this, and simply one of the most impressive players of our generation; Dutch winger, Marc Overmars. So why the impromptu bukkake? Well the former Arsenal, Ajax and Barcelona is this week set to miraculously return to professional football, after retiring back in 2004 due to a persistent knee injury.

He is currently the general manager of his formative club, the fantastically-named Dutch second division outfit Go Ahead Eagles(!) however, with the club finishing a disappointing 10th last season, Overmars has vowed to return to action in order to help the club push for promotion. He told the club's official website over the weekend: “I am doing it for Go Ahead. This will help the club move forward. Of course I will find it fun to play again too.”

The 35-year-old apparently impressed during a recent testimonial for former Holland star and professional Easter Island statue Jaap Stam, and is confident he can still perform to his best. He modestly added: “I was surprised that things went so well during the Jaap Stam match, and that I still had the speed. I stopped playing four years ago and train just once a week, but a lot can happen on will power alone. I hope to pass that on to the team.”

Hard Knock Life

You’d think after a fairly serious piece of ankle surgery, you’d just be tucked up in bed watching movies and enjoying the odd day-long session of Grand Theft Auto IV guilt free. Not Cristiano Ronaldo though, he doesn’t know the meaning of the word ‘relax,’ and just days after going under the knife in freaky-deaky Amsterdam has managed to find himself across the pond in Hollywood, partying with the likes of professional cum-dumpster Paris Hilton.

Ronaldo made a surprise appearance at the trendy LA nightspot Villa, hobbling about on crutches while necking shandys and peach schnaps in the VIP area. Media conjecture of course dictates that a string of girls threw themselves at the Manchester United star, who recently frisky dumped girlfriend Nereida Gallardo, because, you know, in Hollywood they definitely follow the English Premier League religiously and would recognise him. Since they shared the same air for a couple of hours, the rumour is that even Paris Hilton made a play for Ronaldo, but she has been quick to deny that he subsequently snubbed her.

In other news, Ms Gallardo has been quick to show she is over the Portuguese winger by doing a further spot of busty beach frolicking (does she actually do anything else?) with a friend in Majorca. It’s good to watch, although you can’t help but feel a bit sorry for her. Ronaldo reportedly ditched the Spanish model after the press sensitively exposed her previous relationship with Real Madrid defender Sergio Ramos. Do you think any of them actually feel any guilt about that, or is it just high-fives around the office? Anyway, the rotten core of the red tops is a discussion for another time; for now, just enjoy Nereida’s cans, possibly for the last time on this site…

p.s. thanks to The Spoiler for the hot snaps

A Pint of Lager…In a Straight Glass

So people you might have noticed our somewhat esoteric approach to Euro 2008 coverage, but that’s mainly because we appreciate that there’s only so many team-by-team preview articles people can take, and to be honest they tend to be totally pointless. Wow, Cristiano Ronaldo is Portugal’s dangerman eh? Interesting, interesting, I’ll have to watch out for him then. The foxy chicas over at Ladiesdotdotdot held an impressive meeting-of-minds this weekend to discuss things from an oestrogen-fuelled perspective, so their symposium is well worth checking out for another take on events.

Without England though, these matches are basically an excuse to justify leaving work early to get down the pub before 5 during the week, so we thought it’s this part of the process we had a duty to help you out with. As you might already have noticed, a helpful guide has already been posted to help you track down like-minded supporters around London, but then the question becomes what to order. In the spirit of the European Union then, here is a useful rundown of the competing countries’ tipples of choice…oh, by the way, quick word of thanks to http://www.beersofeurope.co.uk/ for helping us out with this, check their catalog to purchase the majority of the following at what I’m assured are ‘very reasonable’ prices…

Group A

Czech Republic:

Pilsner Urquell – Originally the term Pilsner was reserved specifically for beers brewed in the Plzeň region of Czechoslovakia, and Pilsner Urquell was actually the originator (first trademarked way back in 1842). As a result, the clever bods over there know what they’re doing when it comes to lager, and the result is quite pleasant to say the least.

Budweiser Budvar – Similarly, Budweiser was originally first coined for those beers brewed in České Budějovice region, so this famous export is the other Czech bastion of taste. According to brewery folklore, some guy called King Otakar II of Bohemia granted independent brewers in the city of Budweis the right to produce beer as early as 1265, so once again, by now they’ve honed their craft majestically.

Portugal:

Sagres – The big brand in South Portugal, this Lisbon-based brewery encompasses all styles of beer from a traditional Stout to a festival strength ‘Bohemia’ lager. A good all-rounder then, but none of the tastes are exceptional.

Super Bock – The North of Portugal is all about this Porto-based lager which also interestingly comes in redcurrant and lemon-tinted flavours. The advertising line is also impressively inspired by pornography: “Serve with sensuality... Drink with passion.”

Switzerland:

Vollmond – This variety of brain-juice is one of the world's few biodynamic beers, whatever that means, so I guess it’s good. Interestingly it is only brewed on the night of a full moon (hence ‘vollmond’) using barley sourced exclusively from the world's highest fields, which all hints at supernatural power should one consume enough…

Turkey:

Efes – This unique taste should be familiar to all of you lucky enough to have a kebab shop nearby with a fluid interpretation of alcohol licensing laws. Brewed from rice instead of barley, the result is not unpleasant but not exactly something to tell your friends about. Kind of like Turkish women then.

Group B

Austria:

Stiegl – Perhaps the country’s most famous export, this robust lager is light-coloured and refreshingly crisp. Founded in 1492, the famous Stiegl brewery prides itself as being one of the oldest and largest in Europe; for those of you with little else to do while visiting Austria, an insightful tour of the Wonka-esque factory is also available apparently.

Croatia:

Ozujsko – Croatia has a couple of decent beers actually, with Karlovacko being the other big hitter, but this sternly unpronounceable offering resonates more purely because it is the national team’s official sponsor.

Poland:

Tyskie – Poland’s best-selling beer was voted the whole world’s favourite way back in 2002, but this robust favourite of immigrants and nationalists alike is still killing it countrywide.

Germany:

Lowenbrau – Awesomely meaning “lion’s brew,” this is the German connoisseurs’ choice with a history dating back to the late 14^th century. Löwenbräu has been served at every Oktoberfest in Munich since 1810, even in 1945 when the brewery was destroyed by an allied air raid. Hardcore.

Bitburger – Originally marketed as a magical nectar that miraculously wouldn’t give you a hangover, this slogan was quickly proved false by Europe’s darededvil lager fans. The current strapline however is the amusingly pun-tactular The “Bitte ein Bit,” literally, “Please, a Bit,” and the company’s currently run by a guy called Ludwig, so we’ll give them the benefit of the doubt.

Group C

France:

Kasteel Kru - Full of finesse and subtle flavouring, don’t let the fact that this lager originates from Alsace (home to Arsène Wenger) put you off. It’s brewed using champagne yeast so I guess it gets you twice as wasted.

Desperados – Amazingly this relatively unknown tipple is mixed with Tequila, and is of course pretty unpleasantly strong. There are plenty more French beers, but since most of the country exercises and drink wiiiine we decided to give them a miss.

Holland:

Grolsch – Everyone loves the Dutch and therefore everyone loves Grolsch; it has fancy bottles, great adverts and it doesn’t taste too shabby either. Enjoy before, after or during a smoke and a pancake.

Italy:

Peroni Nastro Azzuro – Classy and full-bodied, the Italians like their beer like they like their women. Most of you should be familiar with this lager from over-priced wine bars in town that think they can keep the riff-raff out by not offering draught beer. They’re wrong.

Romania:

Ursus – Incredibly the brewery for this relatively unknown beer is actually in Transylvania so presumably the likes of Dracula and Count Duckula consistently whet their beaks with its strong wheaty goodness.

Group D

Greece:

Mythos – Despite being the taste of so many under-age school trips and lads-on-tour Club 18-30 abortions, Mythos is actually quite nice. Relatively pale and mild, this slips down a treat whether you’re holding your date’s hair back while she’s being sick or sitting in a park with The Guardian.

Russia:

Baltika – In Soviet Russia, beer drinks you!

Spain:

Cruzcampo – One of Spain’s best kept secrets, this strong Pilsner-style lager is becoming increasingly popular outside of its home country. There’s even a pub in Bethnal Green that serves it; how’s that for progress?
Alhambra Reserva – A festival strength lager for those short on time and short on drunkeness. A wide range of Alhambra off-shoots are also available on the continent including the frankly oxymoronic ‘alcohol-free.’ It’ll never catch on guys…

Sweden:

Landsort – Stockholm’s finest, this is an under-rated strong lager with plenty of imitators in the weird part of the world known as Scandanavia. Considering the standard of girls that live in Sweden, you don’t really need booze to find something attractive to grab hold of, but still, Landsort’s pretty sweet.

Kopparberg – Ok so not technically a beer, this Swedish range of flavoured ciders is still well worth having on your radar. Coming in a variety of garish colours, this brand has appeal to underage girls and seasoned drinkers alike. Kind of like Girls Aloud in that sense.

Remembering Hillsborough with the Dutch

Sunday's Dutch league match between Groningen and Ajax was postponed after fans thought it would be a tremendous idea to set fire to toilet rolls and throw them towards the pitch. What the fans didn't realise was that hot firey paper near plastic seats leads to hot melty plastic and nasty noxious black smoke, which will make you sick. The look on the players' faces is classic.



Don't worry, no one was badly hurt, although it looks like some people probably deserved to be. Irresponsible fans endangering other people is not particularly clever, especially as today is the 19th anniversary of the Hillsborough disaster, when 96 Liverpool fans lost their lives.

Insanity is Hel

With Gazza still languishing under padded lock and key, it’s pretty sad to see another former Premier League star from the same era currently facing similar treatment. Ex-Arsenal winger Glenn Helder was this last weekend committed into the De Waag mental health instiution in his native Holland, having been recently diagnosed with “a Narcissistic personality disorder with hints of borderline” while in prison for gun possession and assault.

Helder’s tale is ultimately a tragic one, despite starting so brightly in the Ajax youth system, and impressing at fellow Eredivisie side Vitesse Arnhem to earn a dream move to Arsenal early in 1995. His time at Arsenal was patchy to say the least, and as the final signing under George Graham, found himself left out in the cold somewhat under Arsene Wenger. Marc Overmars was soon brought in by the Frenchman to essentially replace Helder, and from there, the slippery slide began. At the time, club captain Tony Adams was an alcoholic, and Paul Merson was addicted to drink, drugs and gambling, but it was reportedly Ian Wright who introduced Helder to the life of luxury, clubbing till all hours and shopping on New Bond Street. “Ian has shown me everything that's good and where it happens,” Helder enthusiastically told The Guardian at the time. The Dutchman also bought a top-of-the-range BMW while his debts started to mount: “Gambling caused 50 per cent of my misery,” he told Dutch magazine Vrij Nederland. “The other 50 per cent? Not being able to say no.”

Following a brief and unspectacular loan spell at Benfica, Helder moved to Dutch club NAC Breda permanently and it was here where he reportedly started to suffer from mental problems, even admitting to a failed suicide attempt when gambling debts spiraled out of control. The early years of this millenium were further defined by instability for Helder, who strangely enjoyed spells in China and Hungary before officially ending his career at third-tier Dutch outfit RBC Roosendaal. Still however, the gambling problems continued, and he became more famous for underwhelming performances on Channel 5’s Late-night Poker than for any rose-tinted football memories. Occasionally he still dabbled with Masters Football for Arsenal, and even made a bizarre return to the side to play against Ajax in Dennis Bergkamp’s testimonial, but all the while his personal life was getting increasingly out of hand.

The flashpoint came in the summer last year though when he was arrested for making threats to an ex-girlfriend and attacking her current partner. During the ensuing kerfuffle, a concealed weapon was revealed, and last September he was imprisoned pending psychiatric evaluation. There had been rumours for years of Helder suffering from severe paranoia, and carrying a gun as protection from out-of-pocket creditors, but with this recent diagnosis it looks like the ex-pro will be at least safe on lockdown for some time now. As with so many players of this era, close friends have blamed his downfall on being surrounded by the wrong kind of advisors during his career, and simply not being able to keep hold of his money. It goes without saying that STT’s thoughts are all with the clearly troubled Dutchman, and we hope that he makes a full recovery soon. When you get out, have a bong and a blitz on us Glenn.

Das Bundesliga's Most Hated Player, aka 'Der Grosste Stinkstiefel'

In a recent popular vote, fans of Germany's highest league voted for Mark van Bommel as their least favourite player, dubbing him the biggest Stinkstiefel, or 'the biggest stinking boot'. The arrogant Dutchman has royally pissed off German fans with his array of skills, such as petulance and general dickheadness, which he has honed during his time in the national Dutch squad. National sides like to play games when they meet up for big competitions or qualifying games, as seen by the England squad's name checking of song titles during interviews at the 2002 World Cup, but when the Oranje meet up, select members organise competitions to see who can be the biggest jackass, playing games like 'pin the tail on the homeless', 'pissing in Ruud's water bottle' and the popular 'sexually assault the referee'. Check this vid for evidence of his silliness:

Van Bommel's petulance is reminiscent of a teenage Wayne Rooney, whose sarcastic applauding of Kim Milton Nielsen during a Champion's League game in Spain got him his two yellows in the space of seconds. Rooney was a very precocious 19 year old then, whereas van Bommel is 30 years old and really should know better. At least he realised he was being a knobjockey and trotted off the pitch fairly swiftly.

STT is going into hibernation this possibly snowy Easter, but we'd like to know who you think deserves the Premiership's title of 'biggest stinking boot'. There's a poll in the sidebar for all you democracy nuts.

Enjoy Superuperduper Sunday!

Chelsea's 'F-word' May Stand for 'Fired'

All is not well in West London following Chelsea's defeat in the Carling Cup on Sunday. A number of players are upset at not being included in the first team and many fans are questioning Avram Grant's tactics, as he deployed grumpmeister Nicolas Anelka as a left winger, where he barely touched the ball. Players the have got the hump include Joe Cole, who only came on as a substitute in extra time and Michael Ballack, who may be playing the best football of his Chelsea career, while there are murmurings that the club has gone 'backwards' under Grant's stewardship. This pile of rumours has been tempered by the announcement that Grant will be given £100 million to spend over the summer, which is just going to push up prices for every other club.

Celebrity smoker Henk ten Cate appears to have been a target for players' frustrations, admitting to having a training ground bust up with John Terry. He had this to say:

"We are both kind of emotional, but we respect each other fully. We just had a discussion about the intensity of the training session. That's a normal part of the game. There have been a few F-words, no doubt. But that's common in England."

This sort of schoolground vocabulary is amusing, but it leaves you wondering whether Terry used the C-word as well. Ten Cate has been at Chelsea for less than 6 months and his style has not been appreciated, with some players suggesting that his man management leaves a lot to be desired. Add this to the suspicion that he's the replacement for Steve Clark, who is a Chelsea man through and through, and Ten Cate's position may become untenable.

It may not be Ten Cate who is in the most danger, however. Responsibilty for failure in the Carling Cup has to fall on Grant, who also handled the privileged players very badly in the buildup to the final. It turns out that the starting 11 were named just before kick-off, while the players who weren't involved in the game didn't even get a hotel room. It is hard to feel sorry for these players, as they must have hated the extra 30 minute drive in their Bentleys and Chelsea tractors, but upsetting influential members of the team is not the best way to prepare for a cup final.

The fans' accusations of 'backwardness' are serious, but it is easy to see where they are coming from. Apart from the bombastic 6-0 victory over Man City which secured Grant a permenant contract, Chelsea's results under Grant have been positive, yet uninspiring. Fabio Capello can testify to this, after he was sacked by Real Madrid after a year for his negative football, even though they won La Liga on the last day of the season. Grant's situation is not helped by the news that he may be kicked off his UEFA Pro License course, for failing to attend a number of seminars.

It's unlikely that Abramovic would be rash enough to sack Grant before the end of the season and bring in his third manager of the season, but if he has lost the respect and control in the dressing room, keeping him around will surely only serve to damage the team.

Robben can't even Walk

Reports have come out of Real Madrid this week, suggesting that Arjen Robben has had so many injuries in the past 6 months, that he has forgotten how to walk. Robben has had a number of niggling injuries since his £25m transfer from Chelsea to the Bernebau last summer and has only made 9 appearances for the club, scoring his first La Liga goal in last weekend's 7-0 demolition of Vallidolid.

So, is it true that everyone's favourite old young man with the glimmering head needs to learn how to walk again? Can he still play with the electrifying pace and skill that defined him when he was at Chelsea? He had this to say:

”I was surprised reading that. Some anonymous member of the medical staff said that. That I was in therapy with my walk for months. That is a crock of shit. I walk like I walk, and I do that my whole life and I will do that for the rest of my life.”

That's nixed that rumour, then. Dutchmen don't say 'That ish a crock of sheet!' without meaning it. STT reckons that Robben has always had a problem walking, running and just genrally staying on his two feet. Gravity and Robben have always had a very good relationship - maybe he has a physics degree? Since he's left England, the most proficient performers of this art are now Ronaldo and Emmanuel Adebayor, who was so gravitationally challenged this weekend that he received a yellow card for his troubles. Here's a retrospective on Robben's career:

The self-administered choke slam and the 'Platoon' (Nobby Solano playing the part of the Vietcong)

Supplication to the might of Talal El Karkouri

Getting blown through a plate glass window (not in the good way)

Middlesbrough’s Secret Weapon

I know what you’re thinking; with Jeremie Aliadiere as your primary forward, why would you ever look elsewhere for a striker? He’s now got 6 league goals in 8 years for Christ’s sake, surely it’d be a touch unfair to draft in anyone else?!

Ok sarcasm aside, here’s the point. New signing Alfonso Alves has previously scored more goals in ONE GAME than it turns out Aliadiere has in almost his whole professional career. The awesomely-named Brazilian ace bagged 7 (seven) of his 34 goals for the Dutch club Heerenveen against fellowEredivisie side SE Hercules last October, in a blitz that ended 9 – 0 to the side from the Friesland province.

After much internet research, STT has uncovered evidence of this incredible septupal feat; check Alfonso running tings here:

STT was further wondering if this incredible effort has ever been bettered, and thankfully the News of the World football annual came to our rescue. It reliably informs us that twice in English history players have indeed bagged more than 7 goals in one game, while 4 others have matched it; Ted Drake (Arsenal vs Aston Villa – 1935), James Ross (Preston vs Stoke – 1888), Neville Coleman (Stoke vs Lincoln – 1957) and Tommy Briggs (Blackburn vs Bristol Rovers – 1955).

So hats off then to these two gentleman below, who have truly set the bar for individual brilliance, and also presumably, for selfishness:

In Division 3 North, Robert ‘Bunny’ Bell scored 9 (nine) for Tranmere against Oldham in 1934, even missing a penalty in the dying minutes. This is topped however only by Joe Payne, who in Division 3 South, 1936, playing for Luton Town against Bristol Rovers, actually scored 10 (ten) in one game, and finished the season with 55 of the team’s total 103 goals.

Legends, both of them. Will these remarkable efforts ever be bettered??

A Non-Smoking Sport?

These days, smoking and football are much less closely related activities. While it was common practice for both the players and fans to have the odd Woodbine at games in the early 20th century, players have been made aware of the damage the tabs do to your lungs and general fitness. Fans have also been affected, as the new smoking laws introduced last summer mean it's impossible to have a crafty fag from the minute you enter the ground until the moment you leave the establishment. Admittedly, many fans refute these rules, but a super sneaky illegal few drags by the bogs isn't quite as satisfying as a leisurely smokey joe. Some players take up this fan's mentality of pursuing their damaging habit, during their playing careers and into their later life. Here are a few of them:

Chelsea assistant coach Henk Ten Cate's liberal Dutch attitudes mean that he doesn't give a monkey's about having the occasional cancer stick. He's creating a right fuggy cloud here, showing the difficult inhale-through-the-mouth-and-exhale-through-the-nose-simultaneously technique. Other Nederlanders who have a penchant for the evil weed include Johan Cruyff, who cut it out of his life before he had a heart bypass in 1991 while managing Barcelona. He got around his craving by famously chain-sucking lollipops on the sidelines instead.

The master of cool and the architect of England's failure to qualify for Euro 2008,Slaven Bilic (not Steve McLaren) has been known to have the odd ciggie. He's allowed, though. He's got an earring and players in a band, so it kind of comes with the territory. If you don't believe me, just ask Slash! Another smokey Croat is Robert Prosinecki, who chewed his way through 40 Lambert and Butler a day during his time at Portsmouth and apparently coughed up a docker's omelette the size of a dinner plate while Harry Redknapp was giving a team talk.

Here's the money shot. It's not clear when this picture was taken, but it quite clearly shows Zizou having a puff and it can be follicular dated to within the last 3 years. If the most skillful player of the last generation could have the odd smoke while he was still playing, isn't there hope for us all? Maybe Materazzi just asked him for a coffin nail during the 2006 World Cup Final to wind him up, rather than reveal his sexual attraction for Zidane's family. Lastly, the French have notoriously nasty smokes, such as the filterless Gitanes and have been known to make people feel a bit queasy........

Allerdyce Gets the Boot

Sam Allerdyce has become the umpteenth managerial casualty of the season, as he has left the club by mutual consent. By mutual consent, we mean that the American Chairman told him that he was 'holding them back' and it was high time that he jogged on.

Allerdyce has been under fire for the last few months, having overseen a poor run of results, including three straight defeats over the Christmas period. Newcastle is a big club with big ambitions, having made the Champions League and having lead the Premiership in recent years, but sacking the big chap will not make any difference to the club's achievements in either the short or long term.

Allerdyce's sacking will inevitably harm the club more than it heals it, as he has brought in many of his men as assisstants, (with big contracts to boot) while signing a number of players that suit his style of play ahead of the beautiful game that Newcastle has been trying to present for the last ten years. Beye and Newcastle's captain Geremi are two prime examples of this, while Big Sam was lining up a bid for his old skipper and confidante Kevin Nolan, who would have admirably filled a Barton-shaped hole in central midfield. In lieu of these signings, a new manager will likely find this dodgy bunch surplus to requirements, along with the mediocre likes of Smith, Carr and the truly terrible Rozenhal, wasting millions of Dave Ashley's hard earned/spent cash in the process.

Since it sacked Bobby Robson after only four games in 2004, Newcastle seems like an adolescent child divorcing its parents for the second time in three and a half years. Maybe it feels that it's time to get rid of its leader after some bad arguments, but the club has snubbed the two managers of recent years who have given it the greatest chances of success. There is no clear replacement, as Big Al has ruled himself out, while other available managerial stars are either unlikely to be interested (Mourinho, Klinsmann) or no better than Sam Allerdyce himself (Martin Jol, Steve McClaren).

It's a bad day to be Geordie. On the other hand, it's a truly hilarious day to be a Mackem or a Smog.

State of the League - First Impressions

And so here we are. Five games into the 07/08 season, with the transfer window shut and a proper league table for the code-monkeys amongst you out there to analyse. The ongoing international break gives STT a chance for some much needed breath-catching and also some sage reflection on events so far.

It's great that any team has looked capable of beating anyone else, if the first few rounds of matches are anything to go by. Manchester United and Chelsea have started the season as shadows of their former dominant selves, while early pace-setters Everton and Manchester City have been playing some truly exciting football, establishing themselves as real forces to be reckoned with.

However, as good as Man City, Everton and Aston Villa, among others, have looked, is there really any genuine competition for the ‘big 4?’ Short answer is ‘no’ with a ‘but;’ long answer is ‘yes’ but with a very big ‘if.’ I feel that the rivalry around the remainder of the top half of the table though might produce the most entertaining matches this year, as Portsmouth, Newcastle and Spurs will all similarly fancy their chances of a top 6 finish ahead of the aforementioned fringe sides.

The biggest question has to be: Can Liverpool go the distance and secure the Premier League crown this year? And, if at Christmas time it looked like they were in with a real chance, would they choose league glory over another possible long-running Champions League campaign? It should make for fascinating viewing, as Liverpool has started by far the brightest with Torres and Babel especially looking like thrilling prospects, and full-blown match-winners too. Everything just seems to have come together under the newly goateed Benitez; defensively they are sublime, the choice of central midfielders is to die for, and the huge range of attacking options ooze pace and potency.

Manchester United, Arsenal and Chelsea look decidedly limp in comparison. While Liverpool have netted 11 goals in their opening 4 games, Manchester United have struggled, admittedly with injuries and suspensions, to just 3 in 5 games. With the return of a traditional striker in Louis Saha however, they look a much better team, with his sterling hold-up play and instinctive positioning creating more chances in one game than in their previous 4 combined. As much as I rate Tevez, Nani, Ronaldo, Rooney etc, none of them are old-fashioned centre forwards, and someone with this natural awareness and eye for goal is still the key to success, at any level.

Looking towards the opposite end of the table, unfortunately a few teams already appear seriously adrift from the rest in all areas. Newly promoted Derby and Birmingham have looked out of their depth defensively, leaking easy goals and making mistakes that will consistently get punished at this level, while Sunderland have been undoubtedly competitive, but I just can’t see them scoring too many goals with the options they have. The remainder of the bottom six are currently Bolton, Fulham and Reading, and I fully expect the latter two teams to still be in the drop-zone come May. Bolton on the other hand have played relatively well and not got what they perhaps deserved out of a couple of games. Plus, in Anelka they have one of the most dangerous forwards in the league, just leaving Sammy Lee the problem of keeping him and partner in crime Diouf interested throughout the season…

Wise opinions to recycle to your friends:

- Blackburn have been thoroughly impressive this season and have been playing decent football, despite Wenger continuing his slur campaign against any physical contact whatsoever on the pitch.

- Portsmouth will do well this season after a horrible opening set of fixtures; they have proved themselves more than able to compete against Chelsea, Man United and Arsenal, deserving more than they got from each game.

- Mikel Arteta is proving himself to be the most under-rated player in the Premier League, and if Spain don’t want him, surely we can find him an English great-great-grandfather or something so he’s eligible…

- England’s future is looking bright, with Micah Richards, Michael Johnson, Mark Noble, Steven Taylor and Ashley Young, among others, all making very impressive starts to the season.

- Many of the new imports we highlighted at the start of the season have settled in nicely; it’s good to see guys like Babel, Utaka and Bianchi shining, as well as the obvious Torres-shaped big hitters.

- Spurs must be the most frustrating team to support, but everybody loves the Big Guy. He lovesh hish playersh too.

The Lion Roars

Now call me a cynic or Scrooge, but in preparation for this weekend’s England game I already had prepared a mild rant to post if we had lost. I don’t think I’m alone is feeling constant disillusionment with the International side after years of being told how incredible all our players are and how well we are going to do in the next World Cup/European Championships, only to be met with the same crushing failure.

However, this weekend’s performance was one of the most encouraging in recent memory, albeit against a surprisingly poor Israel team who caused literally no problems throughout the 90 minutes. We looked genuinely dangerous going forward, attacking down the wings with pace and trickery, and the forward pair of Owen and Heskey linked up better than any duo for a good while. All this without Frank Lampard too, imagine how many we would’ve beaten them by had he been on the field!

Is that it though, problems all solved? Or will we once more paper over the cracks, fluke past Russia, qualify for next year’s tournament, and fail on the grand stage in Austria/Switzerland?

In the long term, I honestly believe it is best for the England national team and English football in general, to not qualify, and perhaps to even not qualify for the 2010 World Cup also. Failure is the only way the F.A. will take notice and hopefully a major shake-up will take place, both on the pitch and behind the scenes.

We need a manager who isn’t afraid to ruffle feathers in his team selection, and pick players based on their actual form rather than just reputation. This problem of having the club managers, the FA and the press dictate who plays and who doesn’t has gone on far too long, leading to a relatively uninspired squad whose passion is in question. We need players who want to play for their country, and not just see it as a distraction from club football. Perhaps to restore some much needed pride in the shirt we should remove the pay for international appearances?

Furthermore, something needs to be done in bridging the gap between the always impressive Under-21s side and the full International team. Surely we should be looking forward, perhaps 3 years ahead to the World Cup, or even 5 years ahead to the next European Championships. We have an excellent pool of young English players at the moment, yet instead of drafting some of this talent into the full squad now, and getting them used to playing together for the country, we seem to insist of recalling former players instead…Beckham, Heskey, DJ, Big Sol etc.

If we look to the Dutch national team, I admire their approach under Marco van Basten. Having failed to qualify for the 2002 World Cup, van Basten took charge and famously dropped regulars such as Seedorf, Kluivert, Davids, Makaay and Mark van Bommel, because he believed that they were either past their prime or constantly underachieving. Now he has a young squad, used to all playing together and you can put a monkey on them being there or thereabouts in both major competitions in the next three years.

Giant Killings (sort of) and More Woe for Martin Cornelius Jol

More like normal-sized-person killings by midgets, but still, let’s not take anything away from those teams through to the second round of the Carling Cup. Now a lot of people may think this is somewhat of a darts trophy, and many Championship sides are more than happy to lose as early as possible to ‘concentrate on the league,’ but a win is a win. It also underlines my long-held belief that there really is very little difference in individual quality between the teams populating the three leagues outside of the Premier.
So here are the upsets, everything else went to form with the higher league team advancing:

Peterborough 2 – 1 Southampton
Leyton Orient 2 – 1 Queens Park Rangers
Morecombe 2 – 1 Preston North End
Bristol Rovers 1 – 1 Crystal Palace (Rovers won 4 – 1 on pens)
MK Dons 3 – 3 Ipswich Town (Dons won 5 – 3 on pens)
Rochdale 2 – 2 Stoke City (Rochdale won 4 – 2 on pens)

Big up to everyone involved at Peterborough, Orient, Morecombe, Bristol Rovers, MK Dons and Rochdale.

Also taking place last night was the first Premier League match of Gameweek 2 (check back tomorrow for full report) but since there is actually quite a bit to be said about it, I thought I would take the chance now to go into Tottenham Hotspur vs. Everton in a little more depth. It also gives us the chance to post these incredible photos of Spurs’ pre-season campaign in Orlando where apparently Timmy Mallet was sick over half the squad.


Are 2 losses enough for a manager to be under-pressure? Well, when expectation was as high as it was at Spurs going into this season, I think so. I mean there’s no chance of them sacking Martin Jol anytime soon, but the resounding boos and half empty stadium that greeted the Spurs team after a convincing 1 – 3 defeat will certainly be enough to get everyone thinking.
In a cracking first half, played in appalling conditions, both teams were enterprising and energetic, with many chances at both ends. However, after conceding a third goal just before half time, Spurs came out after the break totally toothless and Everton never looked in trouble, creating chance after chance themselves. Particular praise must go to front four of Everton (A.J., newcomer Anichebe, Osman and the fantastically under-rated Arteta), attacking with great pace and intent even to final whistle.

Spurs though were frustrating as ever, with their four hyped strikers mis-firing once again in a performance that lacked confidence and composure. That huge price tag round Darren Bent’s neck must be starting to feel heavier and heavier with every game, as despite a bright start, he faded into insignificance before being replaced by Defoe on the hour. So where now for Spurs? Yes its still early days, but already there are murmurs of discontent around the Lane. Do they maybe have too many attacking options?

Finally, in other news Rangers scrapped through the first leg of their Champions League qualifier against a team that I can nowhere near pronounce let alone spell (to quote modern-day prophet Dave Lister, it sounds “like a footballer clearing his nose”) last night, with a last gasp winner from substitute (and owner of one of the best names ever) Nacho Novo.