05 December, 2007

Mascot of the Week 11

Name – Scrumpy

Affiliation – Bristol City F.C.

Animal – Robin

Colour – Brown and red, with yellow legs (not jaundice)

Level of Ridiculousness – 6

Most common missile pelted with – Pieces of old rusty tractor

Not to be confused with avian hip-hop legend, and part-time chocolate bar sponsor, Rocky “The R” Robin, Scrumpy took over the nest at Ashton Gate just 2 years ago, but don’t let his inexperience fool you, he’s one class bird. As far as mascot pedigree goes, Scrumpy is up there with the very best, having been initially designed by Wallace and Gromit supremos Aardman Studios. Featuring without doubt the most impressive wings yet created on a mascot, Scrumpy is a Premier League mascot who demands to be mixing it with the country’s upper echelons sooner rather than later.

Always an ambitious bird, Scrumpy (real name – Graham) first shot to fame locally when, during the drinking contest that spawned his new name, he imbibed so much Exhibition Cider that he ended up urinating all over several of the team’s youth players in the taxi home. People around Bristol started to notice him for the joker he was, always making sure his glass was full up of that sweet fizzy-apple happy juice and encouraging him to audition for mascot of the city’s “red” club (Bristol Rovers a.k.a The Gasheads, are the city’s “blue” club).

The role opened up for him when tragically the clubs previous mascots, a troop of quite phallic pigs, were accidently dropped into the Severn estuary by an unknown truck driver, who was supposed to be delivering them to a nearby away game. The stage was truly set therefore, and in 2005 against the mighty Doncaster Rovers, Scrumpy made his league debut and lead the ground through a quite stirring rendition of club anthem (no not in that way) ‘One For The Bristol City’ by The Wurzels.

Scrumpy is most famous however, for his bitter rivalry with ex-Rovers manager and professional dickhead, Ian Holloway. When Holloway returned to the West Country this season, at the helm of Leicester City, the crowd unsurprisingly responded pretty negatively. First there were boos, and then the rabble descended into a rendition of the club’s second major anthem, led of course by Scrumpy: “When the red red robin goes bob bob bobbing along - shoot the person-without-a-father, shoot the person-without-a-father.” It’s a cheery and sensitive ditty, but to be honest, Holloway probably deserves this kind of treatment.

Anyway, Holloway made eye-contact with Scrumpy and adopted a boxing stance, beckoning the drunken Robin to “bring it on.” Holloway cracked him on the beak, hit him in the belly but Scrumpy keep on coming, battering the local Bristolian with his ‘wings of fury’ special move. The crowd loved it when the fight had to be broken up, retorting with a chorus of: “Cheer up Ian Holloway, oh what does it mean, to be a, sad Gashead person-without-a-father, with a shit football team! FUCK OFF HOLLOWAY! FUCK OFF HOLLOWAY! FUCK OFF HOLLOWAY!” Even the normally reserved cheerleaders got in on the celebration, giving Scrumpy enough spank-bank material for at least a fortnight with this impromptu cut party on the pitch:

It was a magical moment, and one that ensures Scrumpy’s place in the history books.