Frank's thinking of giving up his day job

Congratulations this week to Mr Frank Lampard for becoming the world’s first footballer to have his own personal TV channel, imaginatively called ‘FrankTV’. Those unlucky enough to subscribe to Orange mobile contracts can now suffer through 50 minutes of Frank “at home, with team-mates and at training” on their 3G phones. Particular highlights in this first thrilling installment (more are threatened throughout the season) include scenes of Frank wrapping Christmas presents, Frank playing with dogs and Frank cooking Brussels sprouts. Now we at STT have heard of some masturbatory and self-indulgent projects in our time (Tom Hanks’ Castaway anyone?) but surely this takes the crown?!

Future program ideas include:

• “Frank’s rub-n-tug tour” where he highlights the best ‘massage’ parlours in poor European countries
• “Frank’s ulti-burger van” where attempts to cram, and subsequently eat, as many cooked fillings between two halves of a bap as physically possible
• “Frank’s invisibility challenge” where he offers his own personal take on the ‘Where’s Wally?’ series, but throughout the entirity of Chelsea’s Champions League campaign
• "Frank on gangs", where Frank emulates everyone's favourite sausage-in-a-shirt Grant (or is it Phil) Mitchell, as he explores the seedy underworld of criminal gangs. He finds out that nobody in his family has ever been connected with organised crime. Not even Frank Snr. Or his uncle Harry
  
• "Frank on Crank" where he gets hooked on Meth-amphetamines and ends up having to 'service' wierdos under various West London bridges to pay for the habit. Co-hosted by Fergie from the Black Eyes Peas and featuring Rio Ferdinand in a mentor role

Hammers vs. Blades - round 294 - DingDing!

In a move which has the level of schoolyard vindictiveness normally reserved only for inter-city rivalries, some West Ham fans over at ‘Knees Up Mother Brown’ are offering fans the ultimate chance to stick their virtual middle fingers up at “Sheffield United's bungling gobshite of a Chairman” Kevin McCabe. By going here, you can send the whinging McCabe a postcard from each away ground the Hammers travel to this season, featuring a photo of local highlights that the Blades will be missing out on this year while they languish down in The Real League. This week’s postcard, pictured below, includes a delightful view of Birmingham’s Bullring, where West Ham shall be travelling this weekend. Here at STT we whole-heartedly endorse this kind of behaviour, long may it continue!

Giant Killings (sort of) and More Woe for Martin Cornelius Jol

More like normal-sized-person killings by midgets, but still, let’s not take anything away from those teams through to the second round of the Carling Cup. Now a lot of people may think this is somewhat of a darts trophy, and many Championship sides are more than happy to lose as early as possible to ‘concentrate on the league,’ but a win is a win. It also underlines my long-held belief that there really is very little difference in individual quality between the teams populating the three leagues outside of the Premier.
So here are the upsets, everything else went to form with the higher league team advancing:

Peterborough 2 – 1 Southampton
Leyton Orient 2 – 1 Queens Park Rangers
Morecombe 2 – 1 Preston North End
Bristol Rovers 1 – 1 Crystal Palace (Rovers won 4 – 1 on pens)
MK Dons 3 – 3 Ipswich Town (Dons won 5 – 3 on pens)
Rochdale 2 – 2 Stoke City (Rochdale won 4 – 2 on pens)

Big up to everyone involved at Peterborough, Orient, Morecombe, Bristol Rovers, MK Dons and Rochdale.

Also taking place last night was the first Premier League match of Gameweek 2 (check back tomorrow for full report) but since there is actually quite a bit to be said about it, I thought I would take the chance now to go into Tottenham Hotspur vs. Everton in a little more depth. It also gives us the chance to post these incredible photos of Spurs’ pre-season campaign in Orlando where apparently Timmy Mallet was sick over half the squad.


Are 2 losses enough for a manager to be under-pressure? Well, when expectation was as high as it was at Spurs going into this season, I think so. I mean there’s no chance of them sacking Martin Jol anytime soon, but the resounding boos and half empty stadium that greeted the Spurs team after a convincing 1 – 3 defeat will certainly be enough to get everyone thinking.
In a cracking first half, played in appalling conditions, both teams were enterprising and energetic, with many chances at both ends. However, after conceding a third goal just before half time, Spurs came out after the break totally toothless and Everton never looked in trouble, creating chance after chance themselves. Particular praise must go to front four of Everton (A.J., newcomer Anichebe, Osman and the fantastically under-rated Arteta), attacking with great pace and intent even to final whistle.

Spurs though were frustrating as ever, with their four hyped strikers mis-firing once again in a performance that lacked confidence and composure. That huge price tag round Darren Bent’s neck must be starting to feel heavier and heavier with every game, as despite a bright start, he faded into insignificance before being replaced by Defoe on the hour. So where now for Spurs? Yes its still early days, but already there are murmurs of discontent around the Lane. Do they maybe have too many attacking options?

Finally, in other news Rangers scrapped through the first leg of their Champions League qualifier against a team that I can nowhere near pronounce let alone spell (to quote modern-day prophet Dave Lister, it sounds “like a footballer clearing his nose”) last night, with a last gasp winner from substitute (and owner of one of the best names ever) Nacho Novo.

A bounty on his goldenballs part 2

There doesn't appear to be much movement on this subject from Lohan. Maybe she's too busy in rehab, or she's talking to her lawyer about how she's going to have a great time in jail. She will definitely have fun, if all-female jails are anything like I think they are.

Just look at Davy boy's face. His mind is on much bigger things.

Enormous props go to loljocks for the above dreamy masterpiece.

Mascot of the Week

Name – Pottermus
Affiliation – Stoke City F.C.
Animal – Hippo
Colour – Turquoise
Level of ridiculousness – 8
Most common missile pelted with - Coins

You might wonder why we at STT have chosen a relatively obscure mascot to crown as our first Mascot of the Week, but those with their ear to the street will already know: the mighty Pottermus was the run-away winner of this year’s ‘Football Furlong’ mascot race, which took place this year at Haydock Park in July.

Completing a punishing course of bouncy castle hurdles, the Potteries-based hippo cruised to victory, beating out a strong field including Hartlepool’s hotly tipped H’angus the Monkey. However, in an unforeseen show of dominance from Stoke City, second place was further claimed by Pottermus’ better half, Pottermiss, romping home to take the silver in a photo finish. See the dramatic events for yourself here-



To say that Pottermus was selected purely for his speed would be to do him a great disservice though, as researching the 7’6” blue hippo has unveiled so much more to his personality than just racing. Born with a great social conscience, Pottermus has taken part in several schemes up in Stoke-on-Trent to help make kids more aware of road safety issues, encouraging such activities as protecting a teddy bear with a seat belt, holding hands and making traffic light biscuits. So far over 10 parents have taken their kids along to these excellent seminars.

He does far more than that amateur Keegan. The murderous bastard.



In case you were wondering how to get involved yourself, the Pottermus’s are indeed available for private hire; an hour with either Pottermus or Pottermiss will cost you just 50 squid, and includes a free Stoke City football. At those kind of prices who needs to go to Amsterdam eh?

Hot New Imports

Either from abroad, or from the Real LeagueTM , here are the best of the new young Premier League stars vying for their position in your fantasy football team. A Special Manchester edition will be up next week for your enlightenment.



Gareth Bale

And we kick off with the decidedly adolescent Gareth Bale. The young left-back has moved to the long trousers league in one of those somewhat unsavoury deals, where the transfer goes up as he makes more appearances. Like his fellow Welshman Ryan Giggs, Bale is in possession of a sweet left foot which saw him hit the back of the net 5 times in only 44 starts for the Saints Scum team based on the Solent with 4 strikes coming from free kicks.

Bale’s impact immediate impact is hard to predict, but he doesn’t have much competition in the figures of Paul Stalteri and Lee Young-Pyo, although he has significant competition to be the main free-kick taker, behind Berbatov, Keane and Zokora (if it’s over 40 yards out). If he can continue the progression he made last season, he should be starting every game for the Champions League contenders by Christmas. Let’s hope that he doesn’t train by emulating his Hollywood namesake and experimenting with various levels of buffness while putting on dodgy American accents.


Arnold Mvuemba

The former Rennes trainee is somewhat of an unknown quantity as he heads into his first full premiership season, having been on loan at Pompey since January. He shows pace and some trickery and will provide a more electric option for Redknapp on either flank, instead of Krancjar, Utaka, Taylor or O’Neill. Another addition to the increasingly Francophone dressing room, ironically in a town that is famous for sending ships to kill Frenchmen.


Sebastian Larsson

The blue eyed Swede has been judged not fit for purpose by Wenger and shipped to Birmingham City for a paltry £1 million. This appears to be a snip, as he has shown his ability in the Premiership already and he has covered most positions in midfield, as well as slotting into both full back positions for both Arsenal and Birmingham.

It is possible that Larsson enjoys sharking for snatch in Birmingham nightspots with his fellow Scandanavian and sweaty raver, Mikkel Forsell.


Ryan Babel

The highly sought after Ajax youngster is the other big-name, big-dollar addition to Merseyside this year. He is another young player who has yet to settle in his favourite position, having played down the left and up front in Amsterdam. He impressed in Liverpool’s first game, showing a thunderous shot and mandatory lofty attitude.

Rumour has it that he’s been taking elocution lessons from Stevie G, Tony Warner and Jamie Carragher, so he will be sounding like Jan Molby within his first year.


Nicklas Bendtner

A former trainee with the amusingly name Kjobenhavns Boldklub in his native Denmark, Bendtner is a typical out-of-nowhere-get-them-while-they’re-young-so-you-can-groom-them Wenger signing. He impressed on loan at Birmingham last season, netting 11 times in over 40 appearances, which officially makes him a bit better than DJ Campbell, but not as good as Gary McSheffery. He has also scored 3 times for his national side, which is 300% more than Denmark legend Peter Schmeichel.

The boy undoubtedly has talent, as he had a couple of good showings for Arsenal in preseason, but he needs to shed the skittishness of youth to really put the shits up the Premiership’s better defenders.


Fernando Torres

One of the most exciting young strikers in the game today has finally come to the Premiership, after years of speculation. In Henry’s absence, he could be the most impressive pure striker in the league and he could become another Iberian posterboy for English football. The pressure and expectations of the Scouse faithful could be too much for ‘el nino’ and there is a feeling of sweaty dread surrounding what he won’t achieve, rather than a buzz about what he can do. Sadly, he has gone to Liverpool, the place where great strikers not called Rush, Owen or Fowler go to die. And get their spindly legs broken like matchsticks.


Not for the squeamish!!!!!!!!!



Torres possesses one of the shittiest tattoos in footballing history, as he has his name in Tolkeinite Elvish inked on his arm. Presumably, this is so that he won’t forget his name when Andy Todd administers his own brand of severe concussion when Liverpool make the trip to Pride Park.

Watch this kid. Torres could either be challenging Berbatov and Ronaldo for the title of the greatest in the league, or scoring fewer goals than Voronin and Kuyt in a team where the gaffer likes to rotate it more than meatspin.

Arsene Wenger’s Weekly Email

There are no fans like Arsenal fans. Love them or hate them, they tend to be resolutely behind the team and spout untold amounts of made up stats to justify their opinion as fact. How often over the years have you heard claims that “(x) is clearly the best (y) in (z)?” There was a time two years ago where I literally could not speak to my Arsenal friends for more than two minutes before they used Jedi Mind Tricks to convince me that Cesc Fabregas was the best midfielder in the world, and had recently played Viera/Zidane/Deco off the park. It has long been the suspicion at STT that, due to the homogeneity of the bullshit that Arsenal fans come out with, there must be an Email sent round to them from on high every week. Through identity theft and a complex series of ropes and pulleys, it has exclusively made its way onto the pages of this blog.

To all Arsenal fans,

It has been a long off-season and I know you have missed the cold touch of my computerised pen. Do not fear, as He is back, telling you what to think and what to tell the great mass of unbelievers. First of all, excellent news: we are 2 points clear of the ‘Champions’ with merely 37 games to go and I expect all to believe we will maintain, if not extend, this gap as the season progresses. Furthermore it is already clear who the players of the season will be so you should start telling people their epithets now; “the commanding” Bacary, “the devilishly tricky” Alexander and “the penetrating” Robin are to be personally congratulated by me tonight over dinner for their hard work.

Lehmann experienced his own personal Hindenburg disaster in the first minute and I suspect sabotage. I expect all true fans to start spreading rumours that he is a secret Spurs scout, deep undercover, and he thus poses a threat to the unity of the team. You should start to circulate that Almunia and Fabianski are capable enough to play in the Premiership and would start for virtually any other team. Any suggestion that Almunia looks like he’s constantly up for a siesta shall be met with icy stares and accusations of casual racism.

You will also say that Lawrie Sanchez is a hypocrite for accusing Arsenal players of diving, when it was his team that were the cheats. Naturally, you will back this up by saying that cheating is disgusting and that there is no place in the game for such behaviour. Anyone who mentions Bergkamp, Van Persie or Pires must instantly be labelled as someone who hates the beautiful way we play real football, and must love the Bundesliga.

The turncoat Henry is not to be brought up in conversation, unless asked by an unbeliever if Arsenal can qualify for the Champions League without him. The response to this will be something along the lines of ‘we don’t need him, he’s always been rubbish, the rest of the squad has carried him for the last 7 years…besides the team we’ve got now is our best yet.’ Sobbing is categorically NOT allowed. Additionally, all fans who own a Clio must sell it immediately.

Until next week,

A.W.

Week 1 review, team of the week and awards

Happy Monday, hope everyone had a good weekend reveling in the return of the football season and not talking to any girls whatsoever.

I personally was treated to a trip to the Emarites Stadium to see Arsenal’s first game of the season against Fulham. Now because it is not often on this website that much positive will be said about Arsenal, for personal reasons, (no I’m not a Spurs fan, I just hold grudges) I felt it was necessary to just say that I thoroughly enjoyed myself and it’s a cracking ground.

Anyway, welcome to the first weekly wrap-up here at STT and rather than just re-iterate what you’ve already read about in three different newspapers and been told by all your Stato-esque friends, our approach intends to be a slightly more irreverent. Ok, so its basically a lot of lists but in these days of probiotics, easily digestible seems to be the way forward…

Premier League Team of the Week (based on OPTA stats, Fantasypremierleague.com ratings and my own expert eye):

Keeper – Tony Warner (excellent throughout, only beaten in the end by two unstoppable finishes)

Defence – Richard Dunne (more rock-like than The Rock watching 1996 action classic ‘The Rock’), Zat Knight (flawless), Michael Duberry (marshaled Ronaldo and Nani expertly despite being more than twice their combined size and in completely the wrong league), Paul McShane (gutsy, even with an early contender for worst haircut of the season)

Midfield – Stevie Gerrard (as good as you’d expect), Salomon Kalou (better than I’ve ever seen him before), Elano (impressive debut), Leon Osman (pick of the bunch in a decent team performance)

Up Top – Obafemi Martins (exxxplosive), Rolando Bianchi (deadly)

Weekly Awards:

Nutmeg of the Week – Torres on Laursen, adding further insult to the hapless Swedish peg-boy

Goal of the Week – Martins’ bicycle kick (speed of shot was officially clocked at over Mach 1). See Paul Scholes’s Ballbag

Whinge of the Week – Gerrard (to win his last minute free-kick when Petrov clearly got the ball and could never get out of the way)

Save of the Week – Villa’s back-up keeper Stuart Taylor clawing Gerrard’s first half shot out of the sky / Friedel slamming his legs shut faster than the Olsen twins at a Jack Nicholson sleepover to keep out Wheater’s late header

Trick of the Week – Man City’s young prodigy Onuoha running the length of the field and then masterfully ‘doing’ two West Ham defenders to set up Giovanni’s clinching strike

Coolest South American of the Week – Roque Santa Cruz, for so many reasons. Just check out the size of that pimp cup. Not to mention the rack on the ugly one

Nearest Lampard came to Contributing…er, of the Week – Mistimed an unnecessary backheel to almost ruin the move for Malouda’s goal

Speculative effort of the Week – Drogba’s shot from just inside the Birmingham half almost embarrassing young keeper Doyle

Most convincingly-bought dummy of the Week – Andy Griffin expertly falls for former teammate Benjani’s stepover in the build-up to the second Pompey goal

Superman of the Week – No really great ‘simulations’ this week, (unless you ask Lawrie Dirty Sanchez Viccarrio) so the award goes to Andy Todd for his cracking diving header to earn Derby their first point of the season

Nickname of the Week – Roy Keane amusingly referring to pint-size hero Michael Chopra as ‘Chops’ and also ‘the fox in the box’

International blow of the Week – Briana Banks in that scene where she fel…wait, no, sorry wrong blog. Seriously though, Rooney breaking his foot again. Someone buy him some steel-enforced boots and tell him to stop playing with rough boys like Dubes and Carvalho

The Do Not Fuck With Me moment of the Week (sponsored by 50 Cent) – Van Persie for shelling his penalty through the roof of the Fulham net and into orbit

The best impression of a horror film extra of the Week – Benni McCarthy

Gaff of the Week – Lehmann obviously. He’s an idiot. Avoided ‘Zero’ status this week only because it ultimately didn’t cost them the points, and because Kitson somehow re-wrote the laws of physics by managing to actually be on the field for less time than I’d last in the sack with the all of Girls Aloud

Paul Gascoigne award for Testicular fortitude / Hero of the Week – Villa’s Gardner taking one for the team and blocking a Gerrard blast with his wedding tackle. Hope he’s cryogenically frozen some swimmers for the future cos surely he’s barren now

Zero of the Week – Kitson; after all the pre-season build-up and expectation, he lasted just 37 seconds on the field after being sent off for a pretty horrendous tackle on Evra, that was bursting with ginger fury. Good contribution Dave

Personal Highlight – Being able to buy a chilli dog at the Emirates…they truly are the nectar of the gods

Make or Break

Welcome to the section of the site where I highlight those players whose careers in the Premier League might well be coming to an end…and also those guys who have something to prove after disappointing performances last year…plus the injury-prone who might have to call it a day…oh, and Titus Bramble because he is simply the worst professional footballer I have ever seen and it baffles me that people keep paying money for him rather than just using him for compost.

Michael Ballack

It still doesn’t really make any sense, but somehow Ballack transforms into a different player when wearing a Chelsea shirt; one that wouldn’t deserve his place in my local pub team. His performances at the highest level over the years for club and country have shown what incredible talent he possesses, and you certainly don’t get to be the captain of Germany by being rubbish, but unfortunately he gave Lampard a run for his money in defining the term “anonymous” last season…and that’s saying something.

Seemingly tailor-made for our country, it often takes foreign imports a year to adjust to the Premier League, so if Ballack’s keen on staying for a third season he needs to hit the ground running in August and seriously perform.

Andrei Shevachenko

As with Ballack, I still cannot get my head round how Sheva went a full season without showing much of what the whole world knows he is capable of. His club record up until last season speaks for itself, and the Talismanic affect he has on the Ukranian national team is incredible, but still he struggled to make an impact last year. Maybe he wasn’t fit, maybe he didn’t settle in London, maybe he just felt insulted being asked to play second fiddle to an arrogant flash-in-the-pan like Drogba…whatever the reason, he must perform well early otherwise I fear he’s back off to Milan next year with his tail between his legs.

Shaun Wright-Phillips

You could’ve said last season was SWP’s make or break year, but since this website didn’t exist then, it wasn’t officially. Now however, after a summer of rumours connecting him with various big European clubs, SWP must either make himself one of Jose’s ‘undroppables’ or bite the bullet and leave, its that simple. After an excellent preseason and a great opening showing, where his provision was excellent, he has taken a step in the right direction. He’s already lost all the confidence that came with being a big fish at Man City, and any dreams of international glory, but he still has the ability left to be an exciting player at the top level. The amount of quality wingers at Chelsea is daunting, sure, but SWP was probably the most effective wide man in the country three years ago, and if he really wants it, can be again.

Steve Sidwell

Winner of this season’s “Shaun Wright-Phillips Award for Lack of Ambition”, Sidwell has had two phenomenal years and could’ve walked into almost any other team’s starting eleven. Instead, he took a huge pay rise to sit on the bench at Chelsea to waste away his career until he gets bored. Oh well.

Michael Carrick

Despite ending the footballing year in the kind of form we all knew he was capable of, Carrick is undoubtedly under pressure from the arrival of Owen Hargreaves, the man whose place he also competes for at international level. The passing and vision that made him such a success at Spurs was starting to come back by the last months of the 06/07 season, but you can’t help but wonder just how Carrick will fit into a front six that will presumably now have to accommodate Nani and Anderson, along with Hargreaves, Scholes, Ronaldo and Rooney…

Alan Smith

At the time of writing, ‘Smudge’ is being linked with a move to Newcastle which would probably be the best thing for him at the moment. His ability or passion have never been in doubt, but injuries have unfortunately rendered the Manchester-based portion of his career pretty void. With the huge influx of players there over the last few years, I don’t believe Smith can keep up any more, but a chance of scene and new group of teammates might re-invigorate him into the bloodied scrapper we all know and love.

Jermaine Pennant

One of those guys who never really showed that much but continued to be highly rated just because he was once at Arsenal, Pennant will struggle to get a game in the new look Liverpool next season unless he hits a serious peak of form. Despite impressive performances the year before at Birmingham, he did nothing but underwelm at Anfield last year and must try harder if he doesn’t want to be pushed out the back door and forgotten about altogether. An England call-up may beckon, due to Cojones d’oro’s injury.

Keiran Richardson

Again, I never had a particularly high opinion of the guy to start with, and his cousin has driven me the point of wanting to remove my own eyes and ear drums on the clips I’ve seen of her, but Richardson still could do well at a club with lower expectations. Under Roy Keane at Sunderland, if he is even going to produce something and shine, this is the season.

Thomas Rosicky

Although he would make a very convincing woman, Rosicky is actually quite a good footballer, as shown at last year’s World Cup, however, he didn’t quite click in a disappointing Arsenal team last season. Perhaps without the disruption and distraction of Henry, they may fare better as a team, but Rosicky is among a group of players at the club who definitely have something to prove this year.

Alexander Hleb

Now I can’t really figure out Hleb. I honestly don’t know what he does or what he is supposed to do; every time he receives the ball, he does the same little shimmy then loses the ball. He’s not particularly strong, he’s slow and he’s not a great finisher, but occasionally he can produce a piece of dribbling magic that will create something. This upcoming season, consistency is key, and if he can find his role within this new Arsenal we could see the player Wenger thought he was signing. From his start to this season and his goals against Inter and Fulham, he could develop into the key scoring midfielder in Wenger’s Henry-less side.

Emmanuel Eboue

After being told two years ago by every single Arsenal fan on the planet that he was the best right-back in Europe/the World/all of Time, last season Eboue delivered one of the poorest individual performances that I can remember. Defensively inept, he was also very ineffective going forward, failed to mark at corners and with the promising likes of Hoyte coming up through the ranks, he could well be on his way soon if things don’t change. Good points are that he does look a lot like Kanye West and is apparently a complete joker, akin to Jimmy Bullard.

Didier Zokora

Following reported bidding wars, Zokora was supposed to be the real deal; a new Viera but this time playing for the white side of North London. However, he turned out to be…well, nothing really. Apart from the fact that he has probably the least accurate shot in the top flight, and may well be the sweatiest man in history, there’s very little to say about him. Yes he was technically on the field for most of last season, but what he actually did is anyone’s guess. If Spurs are to genuinely compete for that hallowed fourth place finish this year, he simply must do more.

Jermaine Defoe

Of the fantastic young English crop that grew up together at West Ham over the years, Defoe was always the one who looked most likely to really kick on and make an international impact. However, he must now look at the likes of Ferdinand, Carrick and Joe Cole and wonder what happened. Fast and direct with a fearsome shot, its hard to see where Defoe went wrong. For the last two years he hasn’t looked interested, and his laziness did not unnoticed by Jol who used him only sparingly last season. Now, with the excellent Keane, Berbatov and Bent as competition, will he even figure at all? In the above picture, it appears that one of his fellow strikers has just squeezed his lemon and the juice is now running down his leg.

Mido

Sure he’s a pretty likeable guy who has flashes of brilliance, but Mido was a resounding failure last year, becoming a figure of fun even to the Spurs fans who so adored him the season before. As with Richardson, perhaps a move to Sunderland is exactly what he needs for a bit of motivation to perform, and alongside the rapier sharp Chopra, he could still form a very dangerous partnership on these shores.

Mark Gonzalez

Gonzalez is another funny one. Ridiculously fast and with a sledgehammer for a left foot, he just didn’t seem to settle last year and panicked when given an opportunity to shine. Again, consistency is the key if he wishes to find a place in the new Liverpool team this season, and if he can get back to basics, running at people and delivering quality into the box, then he could find himself playing a lot more this year than last.

Dirk Kuyt

Kuyt is a great player, with boundless energy and fight but he was brought in as goal scorer, someone who would net 25-30 league goals and raise Liverpool to the level of Chelsea and Man United. Hopefully it will alongside Torres that Kuyt will find his feet in England and together they could be the most deadly duo since Blackburn’s glory days in the mid-90s where the S.A.S. ram rampant. Additional kudos as ever for having the same first name as Clive Cussler’s legendary hero Dirk Pitt though.

Joey Barton

Its hard to disassociate the footballer from the man and objectively comment on Mr Barton since in my opinion he is among the most objectionable players in the world. Having been at Newcastle only a matter of weeks, he has already been in numerous spots of bother, falling out with teammates wherever humanly possible. If anyone can reel in his borderline personality disorder though it’s Big Sam, so let’s hope for the sake of youth player’s eyes in the north east, he can do it and we’ll see the best of Barton this year outside of the safety of Man City.

Scott Parker

Despite looking impressively like a World War 1 fighter pilot, Parker certainly has something to prove next season at new club West Ham. Underperformed in an admittedly frustrating Newcastle team last year, Parker could once again find his feet in this rejuvenated West Ham side, and fill the passionate void left by Reo-Coker.

Nigel Reo-Coker

Unless his performances regain the level of two seasons ago, Reo-Coker will join an increasingly long line of England under 21 captains who failed to make any impact on the proper international stage. His potential is enormous, but last year he simply did not look interested, even when his teammates were rallying around the incredible Tevez to ensure survival for West Ham. Now at Villa, if anyone can bring the best out of him again it is the Martin O’Neill, and full England caps may once more beckon.

Freddie Ljungberg

No-one can deny that for a couple of years Freddie was among the best players in the country and even Europe, while part of a sublime overall team all at the peak of their careers. Now however, he is a pale shadow of the red-haired maestro he once was, visibly winding down over the last couple of seasons happily cashing his cheques without breaking sweat. As with many players on this list, hopefully a change of scene will kickstart at least a flash of a last hurrah before he retires to bisexual decadence and ambiguous underwear ads.

Michael Owen

A true prodigy when he started out but people forget that that goal against Argentina was almost ten years ago now, and those interim years have not been too kind to ‘young’ Michael Owen. He’s one of those guys we all want to do well, but you just get the feeling he might be cursed in some way. If ever there was a chance to fulfill all that potential however this is it; the Newcastle squad looks impressive this season, and alongside someone as dynamic as Martins, anything could happen.

Jeremie Aliadiere

He was at Arsenal for something absurd like 15 years, without ever really making an impact that wasn’t related to his tongue-twisting name, but maybe at a club with slightly less pressure, he might perform. Or not. To be honest, I think he’s rubbish.

Darren Bent

Now some of you might think this is a strange inclusion but bear with me. Coming from Charlton, where there was little expectation, to Spurs where all eyes on a top 4 finish, Bent simply has to deliver. Add to that the huge price tag, competition for places and the pressures that come with being on the cusp of an England team place, and this truly could be the formative year of bent’s career. Either that or he’ll do a Defoe and settle for mediocrity.

Dean Ashton

Following a difficult season on the sidelines with injury, Ashton has been in impressive pre-season form with West Ham. In the build-up to last year’s World Cup, his name was being touted by many as the ideal strike partner for Rooney, a new Shearer. He still has that potential, but very few players manage to regain their previous form after such an extended period out of the game at this level.

Titus Bramble

Owner of the most impressive child-bearing hips in the country and also the least co-ordinated running style this side of Special Olympics, it can only be through a deal with the devil that Bramble is still a professional footballer. This showed when he crashed his car into a house, but didn't even have the decency to be over the limit, like any other self-respecting player. Every season of his career has been make or break. Why? Because he is just so obviously shit.

Everything you need to know about every team. And some things you don't.

A trophy so bloody fancy it even has its own tiara

The season kicks off at quarter to one tomorrow and the heroes at STT have been beading for weeks. To fill the 19 and a bit hours, here is enough information and opinion on each team to fill your empty, competitive football-less heads.

Arsenal

Ingested: Bacary Sagna (Auxerre, undisclosed), Lukasz Fabianski (Legia Warsaw, £2m), Eduardo da Silva (Dinamo Zagreb, undisclosed), Havard Nordtveit (FK Haugesund, undisclosed).

Excreted: Jeremie Aliadiere (Middlesbrough, £2m), Sebastien Larsson and Fabrice Muamba (Birmingham, undisclosed), Mart Poom (Watford, free), Arturo Lupoli (Fiorentina, free), Thierry Henry (Barcelona, £16.1m), Freddie Ljungberg (West Ham, £3m), Jose Antonio Reyes (Athletico Madrid, undisclosed), Julio Baptista (loan expired – back to Real Madrid).

Prospects: After their worst season in recent memory, Arsenal will be looking to bounce back, but with so few players remaining from their 2004 undefeated season, have they got the ability to still mount a serious challenge for the title? In a word; not-f’ing-likely. But Wenger’s no mug, and showed an impressive collection of young talent in last year’s Carling Cup that might well form the backbone of this season’s new look (i.e. Henry-less) Arsenal. Goals in the one thing they need more than anything this season, and so a lot of their success will rest on the shoulders of new signing da Silva, a Brazilian-born Croatian international averaging almost a goal a game last season for Dynamo Zagreb. Somewhat unproven at this level, it’s gonna be a steep learning curve, but alongside a fit van Persie he could well score a bucketful.

Aston Villa

Ingested: Nigel Reo-Coker (West Ham, £8.5m), Harry Forrester (Watford, undisclosed), Marlon Harewood (West Ham, undisclosed), Eric Lichaj (unattached, free).

Excreted: Gavin McCann (Bolton, £1m), Jlloyd Samuel (Bolton, free), Juan Pablo Angel (New York Red Bulls, free), Stephen Henderson (Bristol City, free), Aaron Hughes (Fulham, £1m), Lee Hendrie (Sheffield United, released), Steven Davis (Fulham, undisclosed), Liam Ridgewell (Birmingham, £3m) Chris Sutton (retired).

Prospects: I think many people expected more from Aston Villa last year given Martin O’Neill’s sublime track record, yet for one reason or another they didn’t quite fire. On paper they are starting to look like serious European contenders though, with the likes Reo-Coker and Harewood adding to an impressive collection of talent from home and abroad. If the excellent Petrov and Carew hit their stride early this year, Villa could well supersede many peoples’ expectations.

Birmingham

Ingested: Garry O'Connor (Lokomotiv Moscow, £2.7m), Stuart Parnaby (Middlesbrough, free), Sebastien Larsson and Fabrice Muamba (Arsenal, undisclosed), Olivier Kapo (Juventus, £3m), Daniel de Ridder (Celta Vigo, free), Richard Kingston (Antalyaspor, free), Rafael Schmitz (Lille, season-long loan), Liam Ridgewell (Aston Villa, £3m), Frank Quedrue (Fulham, £2m).

Excreted: Bruno N'Gotty (Leicester, free), Stephen Clemence (Leicester, £1m), DJ Campbell (Leicester, £2.1m).

Prospects: And so Birmingham return once more to the top flight, but this time it is with possibly their strongest Premier League team yet. After an irresistible opening to last season, they seemed to ease off after Christmas, almost blowing their instant return to the top division but had just enough in end. Much praise must go to the young trio of loan players from Arsenal, and with Bendtner the only one to have returned to the Emirates, Bruce has a decent base to build on for this season. By buying some decent experience in Queudrue and Ridgewell, Birmingham look pretty solid in all areas, with McSheffrey and Larsson bound to cause problems like they did last year. Avoiding relegation will be the priority, but they could well have a decent cup run too.

Blackburn Rovers

Ingested: Gunnar Nielsen (BK Frem Copenhagen, undisclosed), Maceo Rigters (NAC Breda, undisclosed), Roque Santa Cruz (Bayern Munich, undisclosed).

Excreted: Andy Todd (Derby, undisclosed).

Prospects: No offence to any Rovers fans out there, but its hard get excited in any way about Blackburn. Sure McCarthy’s decent and bagged a nice haul last year, plus Pederson and Bentley have their moments but apart from that? Its hard to see them creating much else. Young Dutch forward Maceo Rigters is pretty unproven at this level but had a stellar European Under 21 Championship in the summer, notably equalizing in the 90^th minute against England with a bicycle kick. Why don’t any English players ever score bicycle kicks anymore? Crouch doesn’t count. Mid-table mediocrity through and through methinks.

Bolton Wanderers

Ingested: Gavin McCann (Aston Villa, £1m), Jlloyd Samuel (Aston Villa, free), Gerald Cid (Bordeaux, undisclosed), Blerim Dzemaili (FC Zurich, undisclosed), Zoltan Harsanyi (FC Senec, undisclosed), Danny Guthrie (Liverpool, season-long loan), Mikel Alonso (Real Socieded, loan), Christian Wilhelmsson (Nantes, loan).

Excreted: Tal Ben Haim (Chelsea, free), Henrik Pedersen (released), Quinton Fortune (released), David Thompson (released), Cesar Martin (released).

Prospects: With a solid squad and steady building over the last few years Bolton are undoubtedly a club on the up. Without Allardyce however I can’t help but think that maybe this is the year that the bubble bursts. Pace and power dominates up front but with Stelios injured once more there’s very little creativity in the midfield, something which new signing Blerim Dzemaili is hoping to change. The young Swiss international is tipped for big things after captaining FC Zurich at the age of just 20 and securing him could well be a great parting gift from Big Sam.

Chelsea

Ingested: Florent Malouda (Lyon, undisclosed), Tal Ben Haim (Bolton, free), Claudio Pizarro (Bayern Munich, free), Steve Sidwell (Reading, free), Danny Philliskirk (Oldham, undisclosed).

Excreted: Khalid Boulahrouz (Sevilla, season-long loan), Yves Makaba-Makalamby (Hibernian, free), Geremi (Newcastle, free), Michael Mancienne (QPR, season-long loan).

Prospects: They basically have to win the Champions League this year or its bye-bye Jose. Even a third Premier League title in four years would be seen as a disappointment by the Chelsea faithful. The manner of their performances over the last couple of seasons have got progressively less inspiring and entertaining for the neutral, and without the vindication of a European jewel in Mourinho’s crown, Abromovich might be getting frustrated too. Obviously on paper the squad is fantastic but how they’ll perform together is anyone’s guess. Lampard does literally nothing these days, leaving Essien as the midfield catalyst, but in terms of attacking options they’re almost too spoiled for choice. The pressure of squad rotation stifled Shevchenko and Ballack last year, will Malouda, Pizarro and Sidwell fare any better?

Derby County

Ingested: Andy Todd (Blackburn, undisclosed), Robert Earnshaw (Norwich City, £3.5m), Tyrone Mears (West Ham, £1m), Andy Griffin (Portsmouth, free).

Excreted: Seth Johnson (released), Paul Peschisolido (Luton, free), Morten Bisgaard (released), Paul Boertien (Walsall, free), Lee Grant (released), Ryan Smith (Millwall, £150,000).

Prospects: I take absolutely no pleasure in saying this but there is literally no way that Derby will not be relegated at the end of the season. Sure Billy Davies has his head screwed on, but the ability of the team simply cannot compete at this level. The experienced additions of Todd and Griffin at the back is a positive no doubt, and Earnshaw will score goals at any level, but with the monetary gulf ever widening between the top two divisions, its gonna take Derby a few more roller-coaster years of collecting parachute payments before immediate return to the Real League is not a certainty.

Everton

Ingested: Phil Jagielka (Sheffield Utd, £4m)

Excreted: Gary Naysmith (Sheffield United, £1m), Richard Wright (West Ham, free), Alessandro Pistone (released), Scott Phelan (Bradford, free).

Prospects: My dad always told me that good teams concentrated on being very strong right down the middle of the pitch, and Everton are certainly that: an excellent goalkeeper, a very solid central defensive partnership (now with Jagielka as an option too), a competitive midfield and a predatory goal poacher up top. Add to that the creative guile of Arteta and Cahill, and Everton will be pushing once again for Europe this season.

Fulham

Ingested: Aaron Hughes (Aston Villa, £1m), Steven Davis (Aston Villa, undisclosed), Diomansy Kamara (West Brom, £6m), Chris Baird (Southampton, £3.025m), Paul Konchesky (West Ham, £3.25m), David Healy (Leeds, £1.5m), Lee Cook (QPR, undisclosed).

Excreted: Claus Jensen (released), Mark Pembridge (released), Tomasz Radzinski (released), Mark Crossley (released, now at Oldham), Michael Brown (Wigan, undisclosed), Frand Queudrue (Birmingham, £2m).

Prospects: I think if you offered Laurie Sanchez a 17^th place finish now, he’d take it because Fulham will most likely be nuts-deep in a relegation dogfight most of this season. Looking at their squad there’s little to get excited about, even with the addition of Kamara for a frankly ludicrous sum of money, so scoring goals will most likely continue to be their main problem this year.

Liverpool

Ingested: Andrey Voronin (Bayer Leverkusen, free), Kristian Nemeth & Andras Simon (both MTK Hungariam, undisclosed), Nikolay Mihaylov (Levski Sofia, undisclosed), Fernando Torres (Atletico Madrid, undisclosed), Yossi Benayoun (West Ham, undisclosed), Ryan Babel (Ajax, £11.5m), Lucas Leiva (Gremio, undisclosed).

Excreted: Bolo Zenden (Marseille, free), Robbie Fowler (Cardiff, free), Florent Sinama Pongolle (Recreativo Huelva, £2.7m), Danny Guthrie (Bolton, season-long loan), Luis Garcia (Athletico Madrid, undisclosed), Craig Bellamy (West Ham, £7.5m), Djibril Cisse (Marseille, £6m), Jerzy Dudek (Real Madrid, released).

Prospects: Following a second Champions League final in three years, Liverpool have clearly decided enough is enough and want their title of ‘biggest club in England’ back from Man U. By jettisoning a lot of dead weight and bringing in proven quality in all areas, Benitez finally has the squad to match last year’s top 2. However, the eternal problem is how will all these nationalities and egos mesh together and deal with squad rotation? Impossible to predict, but in Torres and Babel he has basically the two most exciting young players in the world that aren’t called Messi.

Manchester City

Ingested: Geovanni (Cruzeiro, free), Rolando Bianchi (Reggina, £8.8m), Gelson Fernandes (FC Sion, undisclosed), Javier Garrido (Real Sociedad, £1.5m), Vedran Corluka (Dinamo Zagreb, undisclosed), Elano (Shakhtar Donetsk, £8m).

Excreted: Sylvain Distin (Portsmouth, free), Trevor Sinclair (released), Stephen Jordan (Burnley, free), Hatem Trabelsi (released), Joey Barton (Newcastle, £5.8m), Nicky Weaver (Charlton, free), Danny Mills (released), Paul Dickov (released).

Prospects: Its rare for a whole country to hate you unless, for example, you’ve been committing mass genocide for decades and oppressing a whole nation, but somehow Sven Goran Eriksson managed to achieve that status pretty easily. Everyone’s praying for his failure but to be honest, Man City are looking like a pretty tidy outfit at the moment, on paper anyway. They need a new keeper and I still worry who’s gonna get their goals, but the players they’ve bought in are all intriguing prospects. I’m not saying they’ll be challenging for the title but could well finish in the top 8.

Manchester United

Ingested: Owen Hargreaves (Bayern Munich, undisclosed), Anderson (FC Porto, undisclosed), Nani (Sporting Lisbon, undisclosed), Tomasz Kuszczak (West Brom, undisclosed), Carlos Tevez (West Ham, undisclosed).

Excreted: Kieran Richardson (Sunderland, undisclosed), Giuseppe Rossi (Villarreal, undisclosed).

Prospects: Well, the best team in the league have just got even better. There’s not much to really say about Man United at the moment, they have a simply incredible squad that is nigh on impossible to improve any further. Admittedly, Anderson and Nani might take some time to adjust to this country from the Portuguese league, but if Nani’s pre-season goal against the mighty Guangdong Pharmaceutical is anything to go by, I think they’ll do just fine. Also, kudos for finally getting rid of Richardson, he is truly awful.

Middlesbrough

Ingested: Tuncay Sanli (Fenerbahce, free), Jeremie Aliadiere (Arsenal, £2m), Jonathan Woodgate (Real Madrid, £7m), Luke Young (Charlton, £2.5m).

Excreted: Mark Viduka (Newcastle, free), Stuart Parnaby (Birmingham, free), Abel Xavier (LA Galaxy, free), Malcolm Christie (released), Danny Graham (released).

Prospects: With a solid defence marshaled by one of the best British defenders around, Middlesbrough are going to be a tougher prospect than most this season, however with a virtually non-existent midfield and hampered by the signing of Aliadiere up front with the Yak, I can’t see them finishing any higher than halfway.

Newcastle United

Ingested: Mark Viduka (Middlesbrough, free), Joey Barton (Man City, £5.8m), David Rozehnal (Paris St Germain, £2.9m), Geremi (Chelsea, free), Jose Enrique (Villarreal, £6.3m), Alan Smith (Manchester United, £6m).

Excreted: Scott Parker (West Ham, £7m), Titus Bramble (Wigan, free), Antoine Sibierski (Wigan, free), Craig Moore (released), Olivier Bernard (released), Alan O'Brien (released).

Prospects: After a couple of years drifting in the wind, Newcastle now have a very competitive squad again for this upcoming season, and with Big Sam pulling the strings I can see a top 10 finish in store for them at least. Solid everywhere except maybe central defence, if their creative players fire they could well cause even the top 4 some real problems at St James’ Park. Furthermore, in Martins they have one of the most explosive players in Europe and if he continues the form he ended last season in, he could well be a dark horse for this year’s golden boot.

Portsmouth

Ingested: David Nugent (Preston, undisclosed), John Utaka (Rennes, undisclosed), Arnold Mvuemba (Rennes, undisclosed), Sulley Muntari (Udinese, £7m), Sylvain Distin (Manchester City, free), Hermann Hreidarsson (Charlton, free), Martin Cranie (Southampton, undisclosed).

Excreted: Svetoslav Todorov (Charlton, free), Daryl Fordyce (released), Andy Grififin (Derby, free).

Prospects: Following a promising set of pre-season performances, hopes are high around Fratton Park at the moment. Defensively superb last season, Harry Redknapp’s astute summer signings have given Portsmouth quality in every area of the pitch now. In Gary O’Neill and Matty Taylor they also have the two most underrated players in the Premier League, and if the midfield can get the quality of service right, Nugent will score a hatful. One to watch out for, a top 6 finish is not out of the question this year.

Reading

Ingested: Kalifa Cisse (Boavista, £1m), Emerse Fae (Nantes, £2.5m).

Excreted: Steve Sidwell (Chelsea, free), Greg Halford (Sunderland, £2.5m), Curtis Ujah (Yeovil, free).

Prospects: Without the buzz of first-season-in-the-top-flight nerves, I fear for Reading this year. They undoubtedly have quality in all areas but its hard to see guys like Shorey and Doyle being able to keep up the high standards of last season. In Sidwell, they’ve also lost their midfield lynch-pin to the black hole that is Chelsea’s bench, so its hard to see how they will fare this year. Coppell’s experienced nous is worth something undoubtedly, and there are maybe 3 worse teams in the league, so Reading might be spared the drop this year, but if they do not significantly strengthen before the next of next season, they will almost certainly be back down in the Real League before too long.

Sunderland

Ingested: Mido (Tottenham Hotspur, £6m) Dickson Etuhu (Norwich, £1.5m), Kieran Richardson (Manchester United, undisclosed), Greg Halford (Reading, £2.5m), Russell Anderson (Aberdeen, £1m), Michael Chopra (Cardiff City, £5m), Paul McShane (West Brom, £2.5m).

Excreted: Kenny Cunningham (released), Tommy Miller (Ipswich, released).

Prospects: It’s difficult to predict how Sunderland are going to handle the step up this year, but with Keane behind the scenes you know for certain that they’re not going to rollover against anyone. Adding to what was a solid yet unremarkable squad from last season, upfront especially, Sunderland look like they might cause plenty of teams problems, with many possible combinations of pace and power. Whether the defense and midfield can cope with this significant jump in quality however is another matter…

Tottenham Hotspur

Ingested: Gareth Bale (Southampton, £5m), Adel Taarabt (Lens, undisclosed), Yuri Berchiche (Athletic Bilbao, undisclosed), Darren Bent (Charlton £16.5m), Younes Kaboul (Auxerre, £8m), Danny Rose (Leeds, undisclosed), Kevin-Prince Boateng (Hertha Berlin, undisclosed).

Excreted: Emil Hallfredsson (Lyn-Oslo, undisclosed), Reto Ziegler (Sampdoria, undisclosed), Mark Yeates (Colchester, undisclosed).

Prospects: Perhaps the team with the best chance of challenging the ‘big 4’ this year, Spurs have steadily amassed a quality team with plenty of depth in all areas. The signings they’ve made have been promising, and it goes without saying that in Berbatov they have the league’s best player who’s not at Man United. Keen for a couple of seasons to edge Arsenal out of their champions league spot, I think Spurs now have the team to potentially do so.

West Ham United

Ingested: Scott Parker (Newcastle, £7m), Julien Faubert (Bordeaux, £6.1m), Richard Wright (Everton, free), Craig Bellamy (Liverpool, £7.5m), Freddie Ljungberg (West Ham, £3m).

Excreted: Paul Konchesky (Fulham, £3.25m), Nigel Reo-Coker (Aston Villa, £8.5m), Tyrone Mears (Derby, £1m), Yossi Benayoun (Liverpool, undisclosed), Marlon Harewood (Aston Villa, undisclosed).

Prospects: It’s hard not to like West Ham because they’ve always at least tried to play the right kind of football, and following last year’s close shave they’ll be looking for a consolidating season, free of drama. Having spent an awful lot of money over the summer, the squad is full of experience all over the pitch, and with Ashton hopefully back to his best, they’ll be desperate to start well. Reo-Coker and Harewood are not too great losses to be honest, but they might well miss the flare of Benayoun. However, if Curbishley can get just one more good season out of Ljundberg, and Bellamy can stay out of trouble, West Ham will undoubtedly vanquish all bad memories of last season’s relegation battle.

Wigan Athletic

Ingested: Antoine Sibierski (Newcastle, free), Titus Bramble (Newcastle, free), Mario Melchiot (Rennes, free), Andreas Granqvist (Helsingborg, undisclosed), Carlo Nash (Preston, £300,000), Jason Koumas (West Brom, £5.3m), Michael Brown (Fulham, undisclosed).

Excreted: Lee McCulloch (Rangers, £2.25m), Matt Jackson (Watford, free), Arjan de Zeeuw (released), David Unsworth (released).

Prospects: As with Derby, unfortunately I can’t really see Wigan having any chance of surviving this season. Compared to even the newly promoted teams, their squad looks woefully toothless, even with the impressive Koumas now pulling the strings. At the end of the day, how can any team with both Heskey and Bramble in actually expect to do well?