State of the League - First Impressions

And so here we are. Five games into the 07/08 season, with the transfer window shut and a proper league table for the code-monkeys amongst you out there to analyse. The ongoing international break gives STT a chance for some much needed breath-catching and also some sage reflection on events so far.

It's great that any team has looked capable of beating anyone else, if the first few rounds of matches are anything to go by. Manchester United and Chelsea have started the season as shadows of their former dominant selves, while early pace-setters Everton and Manchester City have been playing some truly exciting football, establishing themselves as real forces to be reckoned with.

However, as good as Man City, Everton and Aston Villa, among others, have looked, is there really any genuine competition for the ‘big 4?’ Short answer is ‘no’ with a ‘but;’ long answer is ‘yes’ but with a very big ‘if.’ I feel that the rivalry around the remainder of the top half of the table though might produce the most entertaining matches this year, as Portsmouth, Newcastle and Spurs will all similarly fancy their chances of a top 6 finish ahead of the aforementioned fringe sides.

The biggest question has to be: Can Liverpool go the distance and secure the Premier League crown this year? And, if at Christmas time it looked like they were in with a real chance, would they choose league glory over another possible long-running Champions League campaign? It should make for fascinating viewing, as Liverpool has started by far the brightest with Torres and Babel especially looking like thrilling prospects, and full-blown match-winners too. Everything just seems to have come together under the newly goateed Benitez; defensively they are sublime, the choice of central midfielders is to die for, and the huge range of attacking options ooze pace and potency.

Manchester United, Arsenal and Chelsea look decidedly limp in comparison. While Liverpool have netted 11 goals in their opening 4 games, Manchester United have struggled, admittedly with injuries and suspensions, to just 3 in 5 games. With the return of a traditional striker in Louis Saha however, they look a much better team, with his sterling hold-up play and instinctive positioning creating more chances in one game than in their previous 4 combined. As much as I rate Tevez, Nani, Ronaldo, Rooney etc, none of them are old-fashioned centre forwards, and someone with this natural awareness and eye for goal is still the key to success, at any level.

Looking towards the opposite end of the table, unfortunately a few teams already appear seriously adrift from the rest in all areas. Newly promoted Derby and Birmingham have looked out of their depth defensively, leaking easy goals and making mistakes that will consistently get punished at this level, while Sunderland have been undoubtedly competitive, but I just can’t see them scoring too many goals with the options they have. The remainder of the bottom six are currently Bolton, Fulham and Reading, and I fully expect the latter two teams to still be in the drop-zone come May. Bolton on the other hand have played relatively well and not got what they perhaps deserved out of a couple of games. Plus, in Anelka they have one of the most dangerous forwards in the league, just leaving Sammy Lee the problem of keeping him and partner in crime Diouf interested throughout the season…

Wise opinions to recycle to your friends:

- Blackburn have been thoroughly impressive this season and have been playing decent football, despite Wenger continuing his slur campaign against any physical contact whatsoever on the pitch.

- Portsmouth will do well this season after a horrible opening set of fixtures; they have proved themselves more than able to compete against Chelsea, Man United and Arsenal, deserving more than they got from each game.

- Mikel Arteta is proving himself to be the most under-rated player in the Premier League, and if Spain don’t want him, surely we can find him an English great-great-grandfather or something so he’s eligible…

- England’s future is looking bright, with Micah Richards, Michael Johnson, Mark Noble, Steven Taylor and Ashley Young, among others, all making very impressive starts to the season.

- Many of the new imports we highlighted at the start of the season have settled in nicely; it’s good to see guys like Babel, Utaka and Bianchi shining, as well as the obvious Torres-shaped big hitters.

- Spurs must be the most frustrating team to support, but everybody loves the Big Guy. He lovesh hish playersh too.

On The Dole World 11

As the transfer window was closing last week, managers and agents were working into the wee hours around the country to close deals on new players. The hundreds of players released over the summer have not all found new homes, as a number of fairly talented, if dented players sit on the shop shelves. Bizarrely, there is a list of said players on Wikipedia and some of these blokes have got a bit more footie in them:

Goalkeeper:
Pavel Srnicek
Released by Newcastle last year, having made 150 appearances for the Toon over a couple of spells. Maybe Harper's current form has something to do with his absence?

Defence:
Brent Sancho
The Trinidadian has sambad his last for Gillingham as they released him at the end of last season. The dreadlocked defender has a few options up his sleeve, but the smart money's on a move back to the Carribean to have a big relax, rather than have to play against the likes of Millwall twice a season.

Andy Legg
He had a huge throw. Like, uh, he could chuck it really really far, which meant that any throw-in in the opposition half was just as good as a corner. He would have had a great time servicing the likes of Drogba and Crouch, but it wasn't meant to be.

Mark Pembridge
Deemed surplus to requirements by both Coleman and Sanchez at Fulham, he has moved into youth coaching. You know he secretly wants to be back on the field, kicking chunks out of flashy strikers.

Roque Junior
He won the World Cup with Brazil in 2002, but wasn't good enough for Bayer Leverkusen as they cut him this summer. More injured than old or crap, like the others on this list.

Midfield
David Thompson
'Mister invisible' has had a pretty good career on paper, buit who the heck is he? I know he's scored 5 goals for Liverpool and showed a few classy touches for Pompey and Blackburn, but this guy can't seem to impress anyone enough that they keep him for longer than a season. He's only 29! Would do a good job for Derby, or should swallow his pride and enjoy a sojourn in the Real League like the rest of us.

Quinton Fortune
Fortune morphed from a speedy get-to-the-byline winger into a real squad player in later years at Old trafford in order to stay in the team. He put up some memorable performances, but just wasn't good enough. That's why he drives to the Post Office every Thursday. In his Aston Martin.

Scottie Gemmill
He's not exactly a spring chick at 36, but Scottie's got some great footballing pedigree. His dad was one of the Scottish greats and was coached by Cloughie for his fiorst 3 years at Nottingham Forest. Maybe a career in coaching beckons. With a sideline in alcoholism.

Up Front
Cornell Glen
The second Trinidadian in the team, Glen was one of their best players in the 2006 World Cup, as he nearly upset Sweden in the group phases. He has played for the majority of his professional career in the United States, but has had a tough time with injuries and was cut by the LA Galaxy before this season started. Would get 10 goals in a Chamionship season for Colchester.

Savo Milosevic
The 34 year old former Villa striker is now out of contract with Osasuna and is officially clubless. Even though he was widely derided during his spell in the Prem, he still scored 29 goals in 90 appearances. Rickety legs and 100 games for Serbia might persuade him to retire, however. He might grab a few in the Real League.
Kevin Campbell
Ok, so he was never great, but he has done it before. He's scored a hatful of goals for Arsenal (really) in the early 90s and nearly one in 3 for Everton. His last appearance in the Premiership saw him running about like a madman under Gary Megson at West Brom, where he seemed to be much of a spent force. However, his attentions might not be solely on football anymore, as he has tried to forge a record label, with limited success, thanks to his beef with Mark 'Return of the Mack' Morrison.

The Lion Roars

Now call me a cynic or Scrooge, but in preparation for this weekend’s England game I already had prepared a mild rant to post if we had lost. I don’t think I’m alone is feeling constant disillusionment with the International side after years of being told how incredible all our players are and how well we are going to do in the next World Cup/European Championships, only to be met with the same crushing failure.

However, this weekend’s performance was one of the most encouraging in recent memory, albeit against a surprisingly poor Israel team who caused literally no problems throughout the 90 minutes. We looked genuinely dangerous going forward, attacking down the wings with pace and trickery, and the forward pair of Owen and Heskey linked up better than any duo for a good while. All this without Frank Lampard too, imagine how many we would’ve beaten them by had he been on the field!

Is that it though, problems all solved? Or will we once more paper over the cracks, fluke past Russia, qualify for next year’s tournament, and fail on the grand stage in Austria/Switzerland?

In the long term, I honestly believe it is best for the England national team and English football in general, to not qualify, and perhaps to even not qualify for the 2010 World Cup also. Failure is the only way the F.A. will take notice and hopefully a major shake-up will take place, both on the pitch and behind the scenes.

We need a manager who isn’t afraid to ruffle feathers in his team selection, and pick players based on their actual form rather than just reputation. This problem of having the club managers, the FA and the press dictate who plays and who doesn’t has gone on far too long, leading to a relatively uninspired squad whose passion is in question. We need players who want to play for their country, and not just see it as a distraction from club football. Perhaps to restore some much needed pride in the shirt we should remove the pay for international appearances?

Furthermore, something needs to be done in bridging the gap between the always impressive Under-21s side and the full International team. Surely we should be looking forward, perhaps 3 years ahead to the World Cup, or even 5 years ahead to the next European Championships. We have an excellent pool of young English players at the moment, yet instead of drafting some of this talent into the full squad now, and getting them used to playing together for the country, we seem to insist of recalling former players instead…Beckham, Heskey, DJ, Big Sol etc.

If we look to the Dutch national team, I admire their approach under Marco van Basten. Having failed to qualify for the 2002 World Cup, van Basten took charge and famously dropped regulars such as Seedorf, Kluivert, Davids, Makaay and Mark van Bommel, because he believed that they were either past their prime or constantly underachieving. Now he has a young squad, used to all playing together and you can put a monkey on them being there or thereabouts in both major competitions in the next three years.

More Championship Showboating

As we all know by now, players in the Chamiponship aren't too shoddy. Here is the best of last season, capped by one of the most effective Maradona spins and finishes I have ever seen. The questions is - can Giles Barnes do this in the long trousers league?



Enjoy the weekend.

Jay Jay Okocha to Hull?????

In light of Hull City's recent signing sensation, we at STT have decided to look back and remember some of those unbelievable transfers of yester-year that make football so interesting. As an added bonus, we’ve also covered a couple of even more sensational near-signings that could have changed the course of footballing history as we know it...

1. George Best to Dunstable Town FC 1974

Straight off the back of playing 466 games for Man Utd and scoring 178 goals, George Best made a somewhat controversial move to sleeping giants Dunstable Town in 1974. As if winning the League twice, the UEFA Cup once, and being named European Footballer of the Year by the age of 27 wasn’t enough, Best felt the need to conquer the mighty Southern League Division One. His charitable spirit even stretched as far as buying new goal nets for the club at £25 a piece. After only 3 appearances however, he sensationally quit the club, leaving Dunstable’s wild culture of strong booze, fast cars and easy women behind him for ever.

2. Juninho to Middlesbrough 1995

At age 22 Juninho was tipped as one of the hottest young players in the world, and was being chased by several of the continent’s wealthiest clubs. He could have played in any league and lived the life in any of the cultural and partying hotspots of Europe. Instead he chose newly promoted Middlesbrough. In fact he even settled down with his parents in a small North Yorkshire town called Ingleby Barwick, living the domestic dream and occasionally even playing street football with local hoodrats. Having left Middlesbrough in 1997 after they were relegated, TLF (smog for “The Little Fella”) subsequently played at Athletico Madrid, before returning to the Teesiders in 2000 and then 2002. Clearly the women of Madrid came a poor second to the quality of your average Middlesbrough lass.

3. Sócrates to Garforth Town A.F.C 2004

Announcing the player's first club appearance, the man on tannoy said in a dispassionate deadpan: "Substitution for Garforth Town, ladies and gentlemen. Replacing number two, Matt Higginbottom, is number six, Socrates."
Surely the most unlikely football transfer of all time? Garforth Town stunned their rivals in the Northern Counties East League by signing the former Brazil captain and South American Footballer of the Year. On a one month player-coach contract, Sócrates (aged a spritely 50 at the time) played just once and nearly scored with a 30 yard wonder strike. This only appearance was however a real glamour home tie against Tadcaster Albion, in front of 1300 confused Yorkshiremen. For atmosphere it must have knocked spots off 200,000 at the Macarana in Rio.

4. Jamie Stevenson to Real Mallorca 2003

You may never have heard of Scottish midfielder Jamie Stevenson but that is hardly surprising. Eighteen year old Stevenson had just signed for Alloa Athletic, playing part time while still working as a mechanic but he was spotted during a summer holiday kickabout in the Costa Del Blanes, and offered a trial with the La Liga side. Of the trial, the Scot commented, “I remember arriving at the training ground and seeing the first-team players drive up in their Ferraris and thinking 'what is an 18-year-old guy fae Alloa, who drives a poxy Astra, doing here?’” Surprisingly Stevenson actually made a really good impression, scoring 7 goals in three under 18 appearances. He stayed at Mallorca for a year, but called time on his fiesta abroad because he missed Scotland. Mallorca wanted to keep him and allowed him to return only on the condition he went back to Alloa. He is now playing at Greenock Morton. It is this kind of rags to riches to rags tale that keeps STT’s faith in football still alive.

Near Signings

1. Ronaldinho to St Mirren. 2001

Bizarre but true. In January 2001, a 21 year old Ronaldinho, who would later be crowned the best player in the world, was frozen out at his Brazilian club Gremio after agreeing to move to PSG in the summer. Relegation-threatened SPL side St Mirren made an approach to take him on loan in January for the rest of the season, which was accepted Gremio, who had no interest in keeping a player with no motivation to play for them anymore, and PSG, who were keen for him to experience a more physical European league before his transfer.

Ronaldinho himself agreed terms with St Mirren and agreed to the move, and it seemed all set to go ahead until it was revealed that he was under investigation in Brazil for a passport scam, and was not granted a work permit by the home office to play in Britain. Probably for the best, I can’t really imagine Ronaldinho out on the tiles in Paisley.

2. Carsten Jancker to Luton Town 1996

The four time Bundesliga winner and German International striker was actually rejected by Luton Town in 1996 after a week trial and only one game. Apparently the 6ft 5 centre forward couldn’t hack it at Kenilworth Lane and was told he wasn’t good enough for the English Third Division. Of the event, Jancker said, “I really wanted to make it in England where the football is so passionate, but Luton gave me only one game before saying goodbye - and they weren’t even in the Premiership.” Instead Jancker joined Bayern Munich where he went on to make 148 appearances and scored 42 goals in six seasons. I bet he still goes to sleep thinking ‘If only Luton had signed me…’

Any more shocking signings or ridiculous transfer rumours? Send STT your suggestions and we shall hopefully run a follow-up piece in the near future. If anyone can beat Ronaldinho almost going to St Mirren though, they win a prize. An edible prize. As ever - sniffingtt@hotmail.com

The Championship has mad skills

At STT, we're big proponents of the 5th biggest league in Europe - The Championship. Some people don't give a monkeys about The Real League^TM, claiming that it's a poor man's Premiership, despite dream matchups like Barnsley vs. Colchester on a wet Saturday in Essex. However, there is no such thing as a 'big' or a 'small' team in this league and, although teams can consistently finish in similar positions year after year, relegation and promotion are still potential outcomes for all teams entering the season, not just a select upper echelon. That makes it exciting! Plus, since nice nearly half this year's league teams have enjoyed Premiership football in the last decade or so, every point truly counts.

We now present to you a few moments of magic from the past month. It's a shame tricks don't convert into England caps, otherwise Frank Lampard might be out of a job:



Belated respect for the sadly departed Ray Jones, who shows us what he could do around the minute mark.

Why we give ourselves 'The Claw'

The trend towards living vicariously through an electronic intermediary is more obvious today than ever before, with easy opportunities to shop, stalk (sorry, “socially interact”), adopt actual children and most importantly, play football like the ghost of George Best.

The advances since these early games to the modern re-incarnations of the FIFA and ISS (or Pro Evo for those of you born after 1990) series are staggering, so we at STT feel that it’s about time people asked: Are we at the stage where modern console football is better than playing real-life football? You know, outside…on actual grass…physically kicking a ball yourself.

Taking a cursory glance at the obesity of the majority of today’s youth, I’d say it’s pretty obvious where their allegiances lie, but as a slightly (whisper it) older computer gamer, I would always happily throw my friend’s X-Box 360 out of a window given half the chance to nutmeg a real person and call it, or chip an actual goalkeeper. There are even added health and social benefits that I need not spell out, but at the end of the day, personally nothing will ever top that feeling of scoring a wonder-volley or puling off a textbook Maradona spin.

Don’t get me wrong, I still love the jeering/outright violence that comes from Pro Evo, and there is definitely some perverse satisfaction of waking up the morning after playing a World Cup with what pilots refer to as Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, and what seasoned players will know as ‘the claw.’ At heart, it’s a geek’s game played by absolute hooligans, but herein lies its hook; no matter if you’re fat, thin, tall or short, the Pro Evo field is level. That fat, pale, fast-food dependant friend of yours can compete, and rather than seeing it as a fun football simualtor, he is able to see Matrix-style to the core of the game. Futhermore, nature has seen it fit to offset his natural ‘big bones’ with a secret weapon far beyond the realm of human physicality – fingers more powerful than Lindsey Lohan’s inner thighs.

His moments of glory are emphasised by another key difference between the two schools: when you are put to the sword in Pro Evo, there are no excuses. That childhood injury that stopped you from playing for West Ham, or any amount of cigarettes and booze, do not carry into the electronic realm, making every defeat that bit more wrist-slittingly personal. I’ve seen chairs put through windows, proper punches thrown, and friendships genuinely ruined over those simple polygons. In perhaps the greatest case of bad-sportsmanship I have ever come across, a friend of mine even destroyed his copy of FIFA ’04 after losing and sent a letter, along with the broken pieces of the disc, to EA Sports (makers of the FIFA series) to complain about the standard of the refereeing in the game after what he saw as a perfect goal was disallowed. Suffice to say he didn’t receive a response.

Still not convinced of Pro Evo’s validity in the football realm? Let me put it this way then: computerised football is literally as close as you will actually ever get to destroying Arjen Robben with a tackle of the ferocity normally reserved only for Mortal Kombat fatalities…over and over and over again…

So what are we left with? I guess each mode of the beautiful game has its advantages…perhaps if we were to integrate the best elements of computerised football into the Premier League, that would be a happy compromise. Therefore each player has to be incredibly stoned, and everyone has a magic ‘through-ball’ button then right?

Mascot of the week 4

Name – Robbie the Bobby

Affiliation – Bury F.C.

Animal – Policeman

Colour – Navy Blue

Level of Ridiculousness – 1

Most common missile pelted with – Respect (in an allegorical sense…not concrete letters spelling the word)

Crime Rating (sponsored by 50 Cent’s G-Unit Records) – 10

Allow me to introduce Robbie the Bobby of Bury FC, who is a truly bizarre new entry into our infamous STT mascot annals. Looking like a strange hybrid of Mr. Punch and a Lego man, Robbie the Bobby is perhaps the biggest scrapper in the mascot circle, which is ironic since he actually takes his name originally from Sir Robert Peel, famous for founding the modern police force!

His reign of terror peaked at the start of the 2001/2002 season, after a summer break full of heartache and personal discovery. First up was the visit of Stoke City, themselves armed with a strong mascot, but this did not phase the rebellious Robbie. As the game heated up, he strode round to the away supporters’ end and incited the traveling Potters’ fans beyond belief by full-on mooning them.

Next up, as the Shakers hosted Peterborough United, Robbie was involved in his first proper fight, throwing down with the fiercesome rabbit Peter-Burrow. Don’t let the Beatrix Potter-sounding name fool you: Peter-Burrow can scrap with the best of them, but Robbie the Bobby was victorious after pulling the poor rabbit’s ears clean off. Urban legend has it that Robbie actually ate the ears and consumed Peter-Burrow’s soul, but this has long been disputed by ‘scientists.’

Thirdly, in a second fight of unparalleled brutality, Robbie took on Cardiff City’s notorious Soul Crew enforcer Bartley the Bluebird, banned from the nationwide bare-wing fighting circuit for illegally pecking and flapping at his opponents. As if he had anything to prove, Robbie simply destroyed Bartley and actually removed his head at the end of the fight; as fatal for mascots as it is for humans.

From here on out, Robbie lived by his own rules but following many more complaints of abusive language and threatening behaviour from officials and opposing fans, he was canned by Bury F.C. and forced to re-think his ways down at Gigg Lane.

The fall from grace for Robbie has been dramatic, some would even say Gary Glitter-esque. He can now be found serenely giving out Christmas cards in Bury town centre during festive periods, and spearheading the town’s “five fruit and veg a day” drive around the town market at weekends.

Behind those eyes, the fires still burn though and we at STT just pray that one day, he is unleashed once more. Preferably against that pussy Gunnersaurus Rex at Arsenal.

Gameweek 5–Zat's the way uh-huhuh-huh I like it

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Another World 11 - 1970s Brazil edition

Gordon Banks: As with most of my selections I wasn't fortunate enough to see him perform (not even sexually). However, as a stripling I remember watching many videos of him in action ('Banksy does Dallas' being the most notable). The 1970 World Cup in Mexico City saw the maestro pull off one of the greatest saves of all time, tipping an impossibly difficult shot over the bar. This, and of course all his achievements for club and country, is more than enough for Banksy to cement his place in my fantasy eleven.

Paolo Maldini: Top of his game for three decades, and still held his own in the Champions League final last year. Marked a new era of defenders who offered more than just rock-solid defence; a quality he also held in spades. First touch, instant reading of the game and aerial prowess make Maldini an obvious choice.

Bobby Moore: Epitomises the strong English centre-half and achieved success at the highest levels. A natural leader who went about his work with the smallest fuss, Moore's legacy will live on and on. Perhaps not as naturally gifted as some of my other selections, he made the most of his abilities and proved the importance of mental strength on and off the field.

Carlos Alberto: Imperious centre-half, part of the much-lauded Brazilian team of 1970. Incredible strength and touch, comfortable on all parts of the pitch both in the air and the ground, Alberto was a Brazilian who could actually defend. A stalwart at the back, his defensive capabilities allowed his team-mates the freedom to roam at will.

Franz Beckenbauer: Perhaps the greatest defender of all time, Becks was a tower of strength for Germany. Whether in the heart of defence or as the anchor in front, his touch, reading of the game and simple distrubtion would be just as valued today as they were in his prime. Peerless.

Jairzinho: Another member of the Brazilian World Cup winning-team from 1970. Alongside Pele, Jairzinho is perhaps the most natural talent in the side. His blistering pace and acceleration, coupled with his flair and creativity, make Jairzinho a must have.



Johan Cruyff: As tempting as it was to have his son Jordi, Johan just got the nod. How many other midfielders can be credited with inventing a skill so univeral as the Cruyff turn? He had all the attributes midfielders covet; flair, creativity, touch, vision, determination and he had them in bucketloads.

Zico: Outrageously talented Brazilian. Maybe the greatest set-piece taker of all time and certainly the best haircut ever to grace the Brazilian national side, Zico's attacking credentials speak volumes about his contribution to the beautiful game.

Zidane: Had the pleasure of seeing Zidane in person during his time playing for Real Madrid. I've never seen such grace and ease on the football field. His precision on the ball, whether technical or visionary, is unrivalled in the modern game.

Pele: Quite simply the greatest player to have ever lived, performed sensationally at the highest level and is spokesman for Viagra, a true legend.

Eusebio: Ridiculously quick striker who terrorised defences in the 1950s for Portugal, certainly an equal to any centre forwards who have ever graced the World stage. Extra credit must be given for achieving such notoriety and brilliance for a side far less talented than some of the others mentioned.

Here's a video of 3 members of this world 11 in action, as Brazil score the final goal in their 4-1 victory over Italy, which brought them the 1970 World Cup.



Cheers Laurie!