Another week, another slag claiming they’ve slept with tiny nearly-man Jermain Defoe. Just over a month ago we spelled out the end of Defoe’s romance with celebrity blow-up doll Danielle Lloyd after revelations from swamp monster Stephanie Moule caused the blonde suction machine to ditch the Portsmouth striker, but now a second woman has come forward to spill the beans. Seriously, her actual name is Sarah Giggle, and with credentials like that it’s no wonder she’s grown up to be a kiss-and-tell tart, as realistically you’re never gonna get a Dr. Giggle are you?
Just like a great Shakespearian romance, the pair met at a fetish night in Chinawhite, and within minutes of smelling her intoxicating scent, Defoe was lusting for more. The alleged model, who looks like she might’ve been born a man, thought he was single and so understandably flirted with the ex-Spurs man before he suddenly thrust his silver Blackberry phone into her hand and said “put your number in it,” presumably because he still can’t work it. Giggle was off to join friends at another nearby club, Movida, but it wasn’t long before Defoe turned on the charm in a series of beautifully crafted text messages.
Honestly his opening gambit was: “It's J here. Can I have that bum later?” And then just 40 minutes later, he followed that up with the clincher: “I want that pussy.” Kids out there should probably be writing some of these down for future reference. Finally Defoe turned up at Movida and she was powerless to resist his charismatic chat, and agreed to accompany him and his entourage back to his mansion. Even though he was actually with her at the time, it seems Defoe couldn’t help but continue to bombard her with more poetic texts, and reportedly sent this to Giggle while waiting for a car to pick them up: “You gonna come to my house. I want that ass.” Isn’t that a direct quote from Robert Browning?
Anyway, yesterday’s newspapers also offered a tantilising glimpse to a final message, but apparently some of the content was deemed ‘too rude’ to print: “On the way you gonna let me…..??????” STT can only speculate over the rest of the text’s content, but we have it from a reliable source that Defoe was in fact asking Giggle if she would be ok with him performing a move known as the ‘glass bottom boat.’ It’s actually baffling how girls can continually fall for this kind of crap, but Giggle was entranced by Defoe’s kind eyes, rapier-like wit, and tenderness, and agreed to go take a lie down on his bed as soon as they reached the palatial Herfordshire estate. It wasn’t long before somehow he’d tricked her into taking her clothes off, and so after some mild stroking and horseplay, Defoe realized the underwhelming ‘beauty’ was well and truly in his web.
He suddenly jumped up without saying a word and, preparing for his signature move, went into a huge walk-in wardrobe to strip off his chaffing clothes. “When he came out stark naked, obviously excited and kitted out in condom ready for action I said, ‘You're having a laugh, aren't you?’” Giggle whistfully recalls. “What makes you think I'm going to say yes?” He just gave her his trademark cheeky smile and said mysteriously: “maybe you won't…” Of course she did, but not until he’d tickled her thigh a bit and apparently really turned her on. “It wasn't amazing sex,” she offered today, “all the time he was very complimentary about my legs and bum, but he didn't seem that interested in my boobs.”
So another girl full of criticism and insults then about a footballer’s approach to them and general behaviour, but why do they complain so much when they know exactly what they’re doing? Giggle admits to noticing a photo of a girl by Defoe’s bed, but apparently thought nothing of it until the morning when he received a barrage of text messages on his phone. It turns out these were from Danielle Lloyd who was in hospital recovering from a boob-job, but rather than think about his sexy real girlfriend, Defoe was more concerned about shooting his seed in the hand of some ropey over-the-hill brain donor.
Upon realizing that he was still with supposed ex-girlfriend Lloyd, just what was Ms Giggle’s response you might ask? “We both wanted to have sex again but Jermain didn't have any more condoms. He tried to make me go to the petrol station and get some but I refused, so we went down for breakfast and he gave me Sugar Puffs.” What a class act.
Often when approaching real life sex with a girl you have to make a difficult choice between club loyalty and using a recognised method of contraception; you either wrap your scarf around your piece in the ultimate show of allegiance, or you bottle it and use an actual condom. 
Bizarrely though, there two conditions for receiving the freebies; fans must be under 25 and they must complete a chlamydia screening. How incredibly pointless! No-one under 25 cares enough to use condoms, and if you already have chlamydia, then again, why would you bother bagging up!
