Zizou to Loftus Road?

Reports coming from that most reliable source, the Sunday People, suggest that Flavio Briatore is trying to persuade Zinidine Zidane to become QPR's new manager. These revelations come on the heels of a schizophrenic season, with QPR flirting with relegation early on, before pulling some decent results out and finishing in the relative comfort of lower mid table mediocrity. Rangers could lay claim to the title of richest club in the world at the moment, enjoying the backing of Lakshmi Mittal and his whopping $45 billion fortune and the board are looking to attract Premiership level talent to mount a serious promotion charge next year.

Zidane could make a new home in West London with ease, as the town's most fashionable address, Batman Close is within spitting distance of the stadium. Shepherd's Bush Green is the last bastion of the West to remain untouched by gentrification and he could buy knock-off smokes down the market, while hanging out and drinking cans of spesh by the swings. He may also do a bit of football management while he's between vices.

In more realistic news, it appears that Tottenham's Radek Cerny may be QPR bound, having not completely displaced Paul Robinson as number one. He would replace roly-poly funman and fan's favourite Lee Camp and is said to be looking at a two year deal.

World in Shock as Newspaper says ‘Sorry’

Few could believe it when two years ago Zinedine Zidane capped off his final footballing swan-song by head-butting Italy’s Marco Materazzi and getting sent off in the World Cup Final. For the great ZZ, the tournament had been a dazzling goodbye and the midfield genius looked revitalised in what everyone thought was the weakest French side in years. Then, just as he looked set to bid an emotional farewell to the game, he seemed to snap, and totally uncharacteristically lash out with quite a brutal attack on the Italian defender.

The next day his motivation all seemed pretty clear as that bastion of journalistic integrity and crusader for the truth, the Daily Star, published the insult that had provoked the head-butt: “Your mum is a terrorist whore.” ZZ is of course of Algerian descent originally, so it seemed that the race card was pretty understandable provocation, and not surprising from an Italian. Late last night however a court ruled in favour of Materazzi, ordering the Star to publish a public acknowledgement that they had just made it all up.

Their statement reads:

“We now accept that Mr Materazzi did not say anything of a racist nature nor use the description of Zidane's mother such as to goad the Frenchman. We apologise to Mr Materazzi for the distress and embarrassment caused by our allegations. We have agreed to pay him damages and his legal costs.”

So we’re back to square one then, and the mystery deepens since ZZ has never specified what was said to him. It begs the question of just how insulting could Materazzi have actually been though, and surely in his extensive playing career Zidane would’ve heard literally every cuss under the sun? There’s only so many times you can take offense at “Your mum sucks such-and-such,” or “Your wife’s a dirty such-and-such” before it just becomes white noise. The Italian’s side of the story is the following:

“I was tugging his shirt, he said to me 'If you want my shirt so much I'll give it to you afterwards,' and I answered that I'd prefer his sister.”

Pretty reasonable banter then, and nowhere near the red-flag-to-a-bull first propositioned by the Star. It looks like this is one that will have to be confined to the annals of history then, filed alongside who shot JFK and where those missing Florida votes went, preserved for an aspiring Mulder/Scully to crack.

A Non-Smoking Sport?

These days, smoking and football are much less closely related activities. While it was common practice for both the players and fans to have the odd Woodbine at games in the early 20th century, players have been made aware of the damage the tabs do to your lungs and general fitness. Fans have also been affected, as the new smoking laws introduced last summer mean it's impossible to have a crafty fag from the minute you enter the ground until the moment you leave the establishment. Admittedly, many fans refute these rules, but a super sneaky illegal few drags by the bogs isn't quite as satisfying as a leisurely smokey joe. Some players take up this fan's mentality of pursuing their damaging habit, during their playing careers and into their later life. Here are a few of them:

Chelsea assistant coach Henk Ten Cate's liberal Dutch attitudes mean that he doesn't give a monkey's about having the occasional cancer stick. He's creating a right fuggy cloud here, showing the difficult inhale-through-the-mouth-and-exhale-through-the-nose-simultaneously technique. Other Nederlanders who have a penchant for the evil weed include Johan Cruyff, who cut it out of his life before he had a heart bypass in 1991 while managing Barcelona. He got around his craving by famously chain-sucking lollipops on the sidelines instead.

The master of cool and the architect of England's failure to qualify for Euro 2008,Slaven Bilic (not Steve McLaren) has been known to have the odd ciggie. He's allowed, though. He's got an earring and players in a band, so it kind of comes with the territory. If you don't believe me, just ask Slash! Another smokey Croat is Robert Prosinecki, who chewed his way through 40 Lambert and Butler a day during his time at Portsmouth and apparently coughed up a docker's omelette the size of a dinner plate while Harry Redknapp was giving a team talk.

Here's the money shot. It's not clear when this picture was taken, but it quite clearly shows Zizou having a puff and it can be follicular dated to within the last 3 years. If the most skillful player of the last generation could have the odd smoke while he was still playing, isn't there hope for us all? Maybe Materazzi just asked him for a coffin nail during the 2006 World Cup Final to wind him up, rather than reveal his sexual attraction for Zidane's family. Lastly, the French have notoriously nasty smokes, such as the filterless Gitanes and have been known to make people feel a bit queasy........