So Solid Carew

As much as I hate stealing headlines, especially from The Sun, this one was just impossible to better. Yes, STT favourite and all-round top bloke John Carew has apparently scored with former So Solid alumni, and Strictly Come Dancing winner, Alesha Dixon after the pair have been spotted around various fancy London restaurants over the last few weeks. Former member of short-lived ‘urban’ girl-group Mis-Teeq, Dixon married pretty-boy gangsta Harvey from the underwhelming garage ‘sensation’ So Solid Crew in 2005, but the pair split when he was caught screwing her friend Javine Hylton just a year later. Now I don’t really know who Javine is, but a quick google search confirms that she is the definition of ‘BOBFOC’ and makes truly terrible music. Harvey and Javine are unfortunately yet to grace us with a collaborative single since they had their first child together (ahhh) last year, but fingers crossed that when the kid’s old enough to beatbox, the threesome will hit us with some shit that we just ain’t ready for; future music yeah.

In case you don’t remember, Harvey and his Crew were responsible for the musical abortions that were “21 Seconds” and “Oh No,” sullying the good name of garage for a few quick pop bucks. Harvey apparently embraced the fame more than most, and can now be seen regularly kissing babies on Blue Peter and laughing alongside a load of gay blokes on reality TV judging panels. He is so ghetto it actually hurts. Reacting to this perceived sell-out, the rest of the Crew did what any real troop of rudeboys would do, and that’s shoot some people. Producer Carl Morgan therefore will be available for photoshoots and signings in Belmarsh prison for the next 30 years, while rapper Megaman has been connected with the stabbing of Dizzee Rascal, and twice beat a murder charge.

Anyway back to the story. When the affair was made public (Javine’s producer reportedly found HarveyDixon rightly kicked this joker into touch, but since then has apparently been in a real rut, both emotionally and creatively. In stepped 6’5” tall Norwegian striker Carew to whisk her away, and the zest for life rekindled by Strictly Come Dancing has spurned Dixon on now to take control of her life again. A current gal pal told us: “She deserves to be with someone nice after what she's been through. She's so lovely and lights up every room she walks into. It's great she's found someone who makes her smile. He's a gentle giant. He's a massive bloke, but a really nice guy.” Carew himself was unavailable for comment, but his voicemail message assures us that everything is in proportion, and yes, he does in fact last longer than 21 seconds in the sack. drinking from her furry cup in the studio), Dixon rightly kicked this joker into touch, but since then has apparently been in a real rut, both emotionally and creatively. In stepped 6’5” tall Norwegian striker Carew to whisk her away, and the zest for life rekindled by Strictly Come Dancing has spurned Dixon on now to take control of her life again. A current gal pal told us: “She deserves to be with someone nice after what she's been through. She's so lovely and lights up every room she walks into. It's great she's found someone who makes her smile. He's a gentle giant. He's a massive bloke, but a really nice guy.” Carew himself was unavailable for comment, but his voicemail message assures us that everything is in proportion, and yes, he does in fact last longer than 21 seconds in the sack.

Guns are bad yeah, get me

Leather berets off to Ian Wright. He has decided to use his celebrity status to make a stand against the latest infection currently oozing it’s way through the country’s urban streets. Yes, Ian Wright really doesn’t like guns or knives, and encourages you to join him in saying an emphatic “NO!” to violent crime…unless it’s being glamorized in the movies anyway. Teaming up with the black-on-black-crime-focused ‘Operation Trident’ unit at the Metropolitan Police, Wrighty has been encouraging teenage students to look for more from life than street respect and loads of disposable income from dealing drugs. Wrighty grew up in a tough area himself, and recalled stories of fights and violence to the stunned pupils at Quintin Kynaston School, near his home in North London, before finishing the rags-to-riches tale with his rise to superstardom at Arsenal. The ex-plasterer told us (via The Sun) that: “Kids this age can easily get caught up in crime so you have to do what you can to let them know that there is no benefit in that way of life.”

Assuming that not everyone can become a professional footballer though, living out a smaller-scale version of Scarface in Tower Hamlets certainly does have quite a lot of appeal. Chicks love cars and m0ney and power, plus having blood spatter on your clothes is ‘the new black.’ While obviously no-one is condoning unprovoked assault and murder on innocent bystanders, ace HBO drama The Wire has taught us that “the game is the game” and as long as everyone involved knows the risks, guns and knives are cool. If things really get out of hand, we can just hire Batman for the weekend anyway…