When It Hits You Feel No Pain

The best thing about being a footballer is having really cool mates. You know, the celebrity equivalent of that kid at school who had his 18th birthday on a boat cruising up and down the Thames, only this time the boat is rotating bed covered in topless models, and the river is a swimming pool full of champagne and cocaine. As such, after flogging themselves half to death since August playing 15 matches, footballers have well and truly earned their decadent Christmas bashes.

The four most street players in the country are already wallowing in disappointment however because, according to reports today, Didier Drogba, Nicolas Anelka, El-Hadji Diouff and Djibril Cisse have all been banned by their managers from attending a lavish £1million Miami-based bash hosted by hip-hop stars Lil’ Wayne and Akon.

Now putting aside the fact that Wayne and Akon are complete tools, this does actually sounds like a pretty ace party. You see they were both planning to host seperate Christmas parties on the same day, but then decided to merge them into one ‘super-party’ when they realized what had happened. Never ones to give a shit about the global economic problems or climate change, the pair have arranged for real snow to be flown in from Greenland, and have invited the crème de la crème of ‘urban’ talent. Kanye West will be there, as will Gwen Stefani, and even Michael Jackson’s supposed to showing up. Not bad eh?

An insightful Chelsea source offered this: “The party promises to be the biggest hip-hop bash ever thrown. Lil Wayne and Akon are each pouring hundreds of thousands of pounds into it. The footballers were really up for a big night out but the bosses have said no.” I hope you will all join me in giving a big “Boooo!” to Phil Scolari and Roy Keane for not being ‘down.’

The foursome might do well to stay away however, as both hosts have attracted a fair bit of controversy over the years. Not content with having a horribly shit and squeaky singing voice, Akon also has a history of gun possession, car theft and assault. Most charmingly though he was filmed quite aggressively dry-humping a 15-year-old girl in Trinidad a couple of years ago now. His defense was genuinely that she and her father (a local preacher) should’ve known better about letting her go out dressed like a hoochie. He seems like a nice guy.

If possible, Lil’ Wayne is actually less talented than Akon, but putting that aside he’s also more of a prick. By the age of 14 he’d already fathered a child and managed to shoot himself by accident, and earlier this year his tour-bus was found to contain an impressive 3.7 ounces of weed, just over an ounce of cocaine, 1.4 ounces of Ecstasy and $22,000 in cash. I’m guessing he was tricked into carrying all of those things. More amusingly though, last year Wayne was also photographed kissing another rapper called Baby a.k.a The Birdman on the lips. Not so tough now are you Weezy?

P.S. please don’t shoot me