Gameweek 22 – Join Me

Late drama abounded this week with last-minute heartbreak for both Bolton and Stoke, as the two main title contenders showed just why they have been there or thereabouts every May in recent memory. It was that man Berbatov for Manchester United who latched onto a prime Carlos Tevez cross to push United to the top of the pile past an already-faltering Liverpool. Chelsea meanwhile left it even later to overturn Stoke’s 60th minute lead, with substitute Juliano Belletti rescuing Big Phil for not the first time this season. However, just when it looked like a point was all the Blues could squeeze out of the game, on his 400th appearance for the club, Frank Lampard found himself free on the edge of the box and fired a trademark shot into the bottom corner to suddenly wake up the Stamford Bridge faithful.

Liverpool will still consider they have a realistic title challenge, however another late goal stalled the Scousers once again, with Tim Cahill drifting in unmarked to head home a fantastic Mikel Arteta freekick with less than five minutes on the clock. Arsenal meanwhile got their revenge on Hull for that early season defeat with a convincing 3 – 1 victory that should’ve restored some Gunners’ smiles, despite them still sitting in fifth place. The reason they are outside of the Champions League spots is because Aston Villa continue their fantastic form of late, coming from a goal behind at Sunderland with ten men to win their sixth league game out of the last seven.

Gazing further down the league then, West Ham and West Brom continued their recent winning ways with comprehensive wins over Fulham and Middlesbrough respectively. Carlton Cole and Valon Behrami were outstanding again for the Hammers, while Boro are starting to look like they might be in real trouble, with very little to get excited about anyway on the pitch.

Finally then, something to smile about for Manchester City as they scrapped past Wigan by a single goal, in a display which, let’s face it, didn’t exactly scream ‘come and join our samba flair circus Kaka!’

Game of the Week – Tottenham vs Portsmouth
All of the pre-game focus obviously surrounded the various contests going on pitchside and beyond, with Redknapp and Defoe facing their previous club, and Tony Adams facing his old playing rivals for the first time as manager of Portsmouth. The game was played at a frantic pace though, with chances galore at both ends, including a serious contender for Miss of the Season from a certain £16million ex-Charlton striker.

Player of the Week – Frank Lampard
Frank Lampard Jr celebrated his 400th appearance for the Blues with a last-gasp winner to keep Chelsea in the race for the title and break the hearts of Stoke’s players and traveling fans. In an incredibly flat performance from Scolari’s men, Lampard was once again the catalyst, almost dragging his team single-handedly to keep fighting until the 94th minute. Elsewhere, Robin van Persie was also outstanding for Arsenal as they thumped Hull.

Goal of the Week – Paul Konchesky
It’s fair to say that Konchesky doesn’t score a lot of goals, but when he does, they tend to be pretty special. This was no exception.

Dick of the Week – Joey Barton
He was on the pitch for about five minutes before he started pushing his own team-mates about and telling them they were shit. Good contribution as ever there Joey.

Save of the Week – David James
In a game littered with great saves at both ends, DJ’s change of direction to claw out Aaron Lennon's deflected cross was virtually superhuman. The save proved doubly-crucial as seconds later Portsmouth broke up the other end to open the scoring through David Nugent.

Miss of the Week – Darren Bent

‘Arry Redknapp reckons his wife could’ve scored this and I don’t doubt that’s true. Alfonso Alves and Amr Zaki tried their best to top however.

Talking Point of the Week – Kaka’ reaches out to a higher power
Ok the point has already been argued about to the death, but the story has obviously been the talk of the town. What repercussions will there be to his snub though? Does Robinho now want out of Manchester City? Will any world-class players actually be swayed by extortionate money to play in a team that will realistically be in a relegation battle come May? If reports are true then David Villa, Thierry Henry and Gigi Buffon have already turned down the glamorous Eastlands life, so who’s next on the Shiekhs’ shopping list?

Gameweek 21 – Forbidden Fruit

Another week and another shake-up. Leaders Liverpool were held to their fourth goalless draw of the season, and their second against Stoke, by a gutsy Potters performance that if anything deserved more than a point as Benitez’s men failed to back up their manager’s fighting words of the day before. With this result in mind, Sunday’s huge clash at Old Trafford took on even greater significance, but the game itself was a bizarrely one-sided affair in which Manchester United seemed to convincingly stake their claim to a third Premier League title in a row.

The battle for fourth continues to rage as ever, with Arsenal and Villa both winning, along with Everton who also appear to be throwing their hat into the arena. High-flying Wigan also bagged a decent last minute win against Spurs, who continue to capitulate despite an early decent run under ‘Arry Redknapp.

Further down the league, Middlesbrough, Sunderland, Newcastle and West Ham all played out draws, while West Brom’s defeat to local rivals Villa keeps them firmly planted to the foot of the table.

Oh, and if you’ve noticed that there were only eight games played this week that’s because two matches were called off due to frozen pitches. It’s a pretty sad state of affairs when a Premier League cannot be prepared for the fact that in the winter it sometimes gets a bit cold.

Game of the Week – Manchester United vs Chelsea
Jose Mourinho offered this delightfully glib assessment of the game which to be honest I just can’t better: “I saw people from Chelsea before the match, at half-time and after the match. But I didn't see Chelsea on the pitch. I only saw Manchester United.”

Player of the Week – Marouane Fellaini
It’s been a long time coming for the absolutely hilarious looking Belgian. Alongside Cahill, he has spearheaded the Everton frontline in the absence of any recognized strikers, and popped up with some vital goals. One problem though is 18 league appearances this season and 10 yellow cards. Is it just because he’s big?

Goal of the Week – Mikel Arteta
An absolute peach from the fantastic Spanaird.

Trick of the Week – Manchester United’s inventive little corner routine
Let’s see more of this please. Very clever and the goal should’ve stood.

Gaffe of the Week – Scott Carson
Poor Scott, didn’t he bag a couple of England caps a few years ago?

Jinx of the Week – Gareth Bale
I feel a bit sorry for Gareth Bale because he looks like a pre-pubescent monkey. He’s also not very good apparently, with 20 appearances for Tottenham now without being on the winning side…

Rant of the Week – Rafa Benitez
A flashback to the old Kevin Keegan days of vitriolic rivalry can only be good for the Premier League as we look towards the tightest second-half of the season in a decade. In a considered purge of built-up rage, Rafa basically just said what everyone else has known for years. Read it all for yourself here and if you’re too lazy to do that, indulge yourself in a video of Rafa’s soothing voice and sexy beard.

Talking Point of the Week – The nature of dissent
After all the furore this summer about respect for officials, it seems that as ever the rules don’t apply to everyone. People will argue that football is a passionate game where emotions run high, and that’s true of course, but there’s a difference between frustrated exclamations and face-to-face confrontation. This weekend’s big event saw Manchester Untied steam-roll Chelsea, but during the course of the game Wayne Rooney, among others, continually got in the referee’s face and intimidated him, often to camera shouting “fuck off.” Either we care about the way this behaviour dissipates down to non-league and youth football or we don’t, so please start enforcing the actual laws of the game and book players every time they swear directly at an official. Spending a third of a season suspended for dissent might teach certain players a few manners eventually…

Gameweek 19/20 – Stuffing

Greetings team, and welcome back after a rather extended Christmas break. Please excuse us, but due to holidays, cuckolding and excessive narcotic consumption (not simultaneously) the 2009 wheels have taken slightly longer than expected to start turning again. Anyway, what we’re going to do is give a pretty brief rundown of every team’s festive trials and tribulations, as well as offering our own insightful bit of mid-season commentary.

Starting with the league leaders then, and Liverpool continued their fantastic season with two very clinical wins, against admittedly faltering opposition, first seeing off Bolton in front of the Kop on Boxing Day and then humiliating a hopeless Newcastle side 5 – 1 two days later. Could this finally be their year? I’d love it to be, just from a neutral perspective, but I can’t help but feel they’ll throw it away in the last couple of months, especially if FA Cup and Champions League fixtures start mounting up.

Chelsea have remained in touch despite a couple of pretty tepid performances of late, turning over West Brom on Boxing Day but then throwing away the lead late on against local rivals Fulham to draw 2 – 2. With Drogba back to full fitness Chelsea will be looking to restart their season now, but with Manchester United up next, they need big performances from their big players over the next month or so to keep the pressure on.

Sitting ominously in third despite two unconvincing 1 – 0 wins against Stoke and Middlesbrough over Christmas, Manchester United have been bizarrely starved of goals for much of the season so far. Their main stars are shined sporadically, but without Ronaldo’s regular match-winning showings of the last two seasons, they definitely lack a certain cutting edge at the moment. One thing I’ve learned over the year though is that you never write off Alex Ferguson’s men, you don’t win 10 out of the last 16 league titles by being spineless.

Aston Villa continue to go from strength to strength these days, with performances full of flair when appropriate and hard graft when necessary propelling them into a Champions League spot. A last-gasp equaliser against Arsenal rounded off probably the most exciting game of the last fortnight, while a controversial game at Hull finished 1 – 0 in their favour, despite the Tigers initially being awarded a last minute penalty for an Ashley Young handball.

Currently Arsenal are three points outside Champions League qualification and this has to be a growing concern amongst their faithful, having already said goodbye to any title aspirations a long time ago. Stories of unrest and a potential summer exodus don’t help matters, and with neither beautiful football nor impressive results regularly appearing, this is about as bleak as it’s been for the Gunners for some time.

Slowly but surely, and without any recognised strikers, Everton have risen up the table dramatically over the last couple of months and now sit in sixth after two good wins over Christmas. With Cahill and Arteta both fit and in decent form, the Toffees look a decent prospect, but need to sign a forward desperately in the January transfer window to keep up their winning momentum.

Wigan sit impressively in seventh at the moment on 28 points, but what makes this season so fascinating in that they have just ten points more than West Brom who are currently bottom. Like we’re used to seeing in the Championship, a run of two or three straight wins can move anyone significantly up the table, while even a short bad spell of results and you’re right back down in the relegation zone. Just ask newly-promoted Stoke City, who praises we were singing not too long ago for almost breaking into the top half of the table going into the festive period, despite everyone writing them off in August. Three straight league losses though and the hard-working Potters have plummeted from 11th to 18th, and with a very tough January ahead of them, it’s going to difficult to stay their heads above water before it’s too late.

Currently moving in the opposite direction are the Baggies however, with two back to back wins keeping them in touch with the pack and on level points with second-bottom Blackburn, now operating under the guidance of Sam Allerdyce. From there on up, Stoke, Middlesbrough and Tottenham all sit on 20 points, with Boro especially currently enjoying a very poor run of form, losing four out of the last five games. Portsmouth are another team who appear to heading in the wrong direction at the moment, and if Jermain Defoe is the only man to jump ship this January then they will count themselves very lucky indeed. They’ve lost the last four league games on the spin, and this weekend face a Manchester City side who are changeable to say the least. Having produced one of the displays of the season on Boxing Day against Hull, and a great last minute escape to rescue a point in the 94th minute at Blackburn two days later, Mark Hughes’ side should clearly be flying higher in the league than 13th.

They share 22 points with bitter rivals Newcastle and Sunderland, both of whom are also capable of both the sublime and the ridiculous. Two straight losses have put Joe Kinnear’s men back amongst the relegation dogfight, and a tough game this weekend to West Ham could see them further sucked in, especially with the Hammers riding high off the back of two hard-fought wins against Portsmouth and Stoke over Christmas. Who haven’t we mentioned then? Bolton seem to be chugging along as they always do, avoiding too much drama at either end of the table, while Fulham are currently unbeaten in ten league games quite amazingly, and seem to have enough to avoid the bottom-half quagmire that engulfed their season last year. Finally then the success story of the season so far: Hull. Sure things are going so well at the moment having lost three games in a row, conceding quite a few goals in the process, but ultimately their first two months secured almost enough points to already guarantee safety. Don’t get me wrong, they will definitely still finish in the bottom six, but I can’t see them getting relegated…

Game of the Week – Aston Villa vs Arsenal (Boxing Day)

Player of the Week – Steven Ireland (vs Hull, Boxing Day)

Team Performance of the Week – Liverpool (vs Newcastle, December 28th)

Goal of the Week – Carlton Cole (vs Stoke City, December 28th)

Banner of the Week – This Manchester United fan

Dressing Down of the Week – Phil Brown (vs Manchester City, Boxing Day)

Tabloid Event of the Week – Steven Gerard talks with his hands

Talking Point of the Week – Ricardo Fuller slaps Andy Griffin (December 28th)

Gameweek 17 - Stone the Coles

Happy Monday to one and all, after a weekend that saw clubs festively playing out scoreless draws and the big 4 all charitably drawing, to leave the top 3 unchanged.

Gareth Southgate’s record against Arsenal in his 2 and a bit years of management has been excellent, drawing 3 games and winning one. The early kickoff at the Riverside on Saturday wasn’t a game for the neutral, but saw a couple of goals. Adebayor’s opener fell straight to him from a corner, but a nice header from Arsenal reject Jeremie Aliadiere levelled it up and was the cue for much chest thumping and badge kissing from the sprightly Frenchman.

Villa's great win over a slugging Bolton took them to 4th in the table, after an excellent performance from both sides. Ashley Young and Gabriel Agbonlahor both proved to be virtually unplayable, while Villa's midfield purred under the direction of Gareth Barry. The pick of the goals has to be Agbonlahor's, collecting a long ball and smashing home like he didn't care.

A triumvirate of thumpings were dealt out by Sunderland, Wigan and Newcastle, over the pummelled West Brom, Blackburn and Portsmouth respectively. Sunderland, under interim manager Ricky Sbragia turned on the class, with Kenwyne Jones returning to form with a brace of goals after getting laid the fuck out by David James 6 months ago. Conversely, Paul Ince’s position looks increasingly untenable, after a Wilson Palacios inspired Wigan tormented a shaky Blackburn defence, which shipped 3 goals, including a cheeky Emile Heskey backheel. Newcastle also scored 3 against a woeful Pompey, who had 12 shots off target in a chilly Fratton Park encounter, the pick of them being Michael Owen's lovely chip, which will surely add another million pounds onto his inevitable transfer fee in January.

In other games, Stoke had a thrilling encounter with Fulham, which ended 0-0 and Manchester City's slide down the table continued, after a strikerless Everton side scored in injury time. West Ham's Craig Bellamy scored the first goal in a decent encounter at Stamford Bridge, but the Hammers couldn't do anything about Anelka's reply, although they held on for a very creditable draw.

Goal of the Week

It has to be Heskey's effort, even if he didn't mean it. The big striker, whose ball control has been likened to a Disney character on frozen water in the past, touched in a nice cross from Zaki with a flick behind his standing leg.

Game of the Week – Liverpool vs Hull City

An exhilarating contest at Anfield ended with Liverpool and Hull City earning a point apiece and it would have been unfair for either side to lose. The Tigers have made a surprisingly bright start to the season and their attacking adventure has been just as refreshing. They forged a two-goal lead thanks to a Paul McShane header and Jamie Carragher own goal but Liverpool's talisman Steven Gerrard rescued his team once again with two clinical finishes before the break. There was no change to the scoreline in the second half as the visitors held firm to frustrate Rafa Benitez's men.

Player of the Week – Gabriel Agbonlahor

Perhaps inspired by team-mate Ashley Young's recognition in the same category last weekend, Agbonlahor produced a dazzling display to help Aston Villa come from behind and claim a 4-2 victory over Bolton. The newly-capped England international dragged Villa level at 1-1 with a fine strike and later showed another side to his game with a headed goal. The speedy striker was a constant threat and his final contribution was to set up Young for a fourth late on.

Hero of the Week

Martin O'Neill's men really showed what they can do on Saturday, with an absolutely beautiful attacking display against a pretty well organised Bolton team. In moving up into 4th, ahead of Arsenal, Villa really showed what they are made of and what they can potentially achieve this season, when Arsenal may not be at their best.

Zero of the Week

John Pantsil's hilarious panto dive takes the biscuit here. After an ill-advised contretemps with Yardie striker Ricardo Fuller, where foreheads were homoerotically rubbed, Pantsil went down like he'd been helicoptered by John Holmes. Fuller's reaction was priceless - a combination of malice, confusion and disdain.

Petulance of the Week

Ronaldo's silly little kick on Dawson deserved a card and players have been sent off for much less, even though Ronnie wanted big hugs to say sorry afterwards.

Gameweek 16 – Colony

Right hello folks, it’s midweek and everyone’s very busy, so I’ll keep this brief and mainly copied-and-pasted off the BBC. So, for the first time in what seems like decades the big-4 all notched up wins this weekend, although aside from Chelsea they were anything but convincing.

Starting with the leaders Liverpool then, a struggling Blackburn put up quite a fight for more than an hour, and to be honest the scoreline certainly flattered the Scousers in the end. Chelsea were sublime for half an hour, and unfortunately for Bolton, by the time they’d actually started playing, the game was already over. Arsenal flattered to deceive after last week’s great performance against Chelsea, somewhat limping over the line against a Wigan side who were keen to exorcise the embarrassment of being spanked by the Arsenal kids a month or so ago in the cup. Manchester United on the other hand left it late to shatter Sunderland’s hopes of an away point, with the ever reliable Vidic slamming the ball home deep into injury time.

Harry Redknapp enjoyed a decent return to Upton Park on Monday night with his unpredictable Spurs team, adding to Gianfranco Zola’s misery as their winless run continues. West Brom still remain bottom of the pile however, with three decent points against Pompey snatched away from them in the last few minutes by a cracking Peter Crouch effort. Fulham and Manchester City also shared the points at Saturday lunchtime, with the Cottagers outdoing themselves against a tepid City side who lacked anything approaching creativity without Elano and Robinho.

Finally then, the good runs for Hull and Stoke refuse to cease, with both teams coming from behind to claw points from games they were effectively out of. The Tigers started poorly, and it took a Tugay opener to motivate Phil Brown’s men to start playing some football, but when they got going they were more than worth their win. Stoke meanwhile looked dead at half-time following a Michael Owen brace, but clearly Tony Pulis made some pretty serious threats in the dressing room because what re-appeared for the second period was a completely different side who, if anything, could’ve even poached a winner.

Game of the Week – Everton vs Aston Villa

So the two main contenders to break into the Champions League spots faced off at Goodison Park this Sunday then, and the results were as explosive as everyone hoped after a pretty dull Saturday of action if we’re honest. It took the rejuvenated Steve Sidwell just 34 seconds to open the scoring, with his 25-yard drive into Howard's top corner setting the tone for the afternoon. Twice Joleon Lescott thought he had equalized for the Toffees however, with an acrobatic volley in stoppage time looking to be enough to share the points, before Ashley Young produced a bit of magic a minute later to break Merseyside hearts.

Player of the Week – Ashley Young

Without doubt the performance of the weekend, with two quality goals punctuating a superb away win for Villa against one of their closest rivals. Young showed pace, composure and clinical finishing, but unfortunately for him and his international ambitions, this level of impact has been somewhat lacking this season so far.

Goal of the Week – Deco

After an incredible opening to the season, Deco seems to have dropped off a touch as the temperature has plummeted, but this weekend his unquestionable talent was on display once again for all to see. As Bolton struggled to clear their lines, the ball was lofted back across the penalty area by Michael Ballack, where Deco was on hand to hammer a perfect bicycle-kick past a helpless Jaaskelainen.

Comeback of the Week – Stoke City

After 25 minutes and the score 2 – 0 to Newcastle, pundits and fans alike were writing off the Potters. Once again however, Tony Pulis’ men dug deep, and inspired by the introduction of Ricardo Fuller, were quite superb second half. Goals from Mamady Sidibe and Abdoulaye Faye were enough to rescue an unlikely point, but even without the long-throws of Rory Delap, Stoke proved that they could compete at this level and have a good chance of staying up come April.

Gaffe of the Week – Phil Jagielka

There’s not much else really to say about this, it’s just pretty awful. Under no pressure, Jagielka turned from the midfield to guide a back pass to Tim Howard, only for the ball to unfortunately fall short and straight to Ashley Young, who duly slotted into the corner past the despairing Everton keeper.

Taking Point of the Week – Arsenal fans booing Eboue

Ok there are a couple of things you should put aside when thinking about this issue. Firstly, imagine that Emmanuel Eboue isn’t an arrogant little shit who’s actually rubbish at football, and secondly, pretend that it isn’t incredibly amusing when a player brought on as a substitute gets substituted off themselves later. The point here is just the brazen caprice of Arsenal fans, who can worship someone by association one minute, and then crucify them the next for a couple of ultimately meaningless mistakes. Are they so used to absolute perfection that anything less than that warrants a cacophony of boos? And this isn’t an Ashley Cole-esque situation here either, because the abuse he gets is pretty unrelated to his actual footballing performance. No, Eboue hasn’t really done anything to rile up Arsenal fans (who, might I remind you, were calling him the best right-back in Europe two years ago when they reached the Champions League final), it just seems that most casual fans at the Emirates have no sense of context, or even what it means to support their club. I simply cannot conceive of a player for my team being booed just because he makes a mistake; that truly is unforgivable.

Gameweek 15 – Mime

As is the way these days, Sunday seemed to be the focus of this weekend’s action, with four pretty entertaining games taking place, including the two big derbies. We’ll come back to the afternoon game in London later and instead start t’up north with the defending champions Manchester United. Having done the double over their local rivals last year, and on the back of a superb performance against Arsenal last weekend, I think everyone expected a bit more of a contest from the blue half of Manchester. City however didn’t really turn up until about an hour had passed, and even after that, rarely threatened Edwin van der Sar as United dug in after Ronaldo was dismissed for an unexplainable handball.

Elsewhere Tottenham and Blackburn’s relegation struggles continued, with Everton and Portsmouth respectively taking the points against them. Spurs failed to create much at home in a hard-fought game where chances were few and far between, before Pienaar popped up late on to fire a shot in off Corluka. Things were a bit more exciting down at Fratton Park though where Blackburn slumped to their fourth straight loss, despite a spirited second half comeback that saw them come from two goals behind. With Paul Ince finally looking almost buoyant though, Sean Davis glided into the penalty area and a deft finish over Robinson lifted Pompey to 8th in the table.

Blackburn were sparred further misery however with relegation rivals West Brom and Sunderland also both losing, and Newcastle’s goalless draw with Middlesbrough kept them firmly involved too. Wigan were the latest team to inflict heartbreak on Tony Mowbray’s plucky Baggies, coming from a goal down to snatch all three points with a late Emerson Boyce winner. Sunderland received another afternoon of humiliation as Bolton’s decent form of late continued away at the Stadium of Light, despite Cisse’s opener giving the Black Cats some hope.

Finally then, Villa scuppered the chance to move up to third as Fulham held them at home, while the better two of three newly promoted sides shared a point in hazardous fog at the Britannia Stadium. Marlon King’s decent first half strike continued Hull’s excellent away form, while a late Ricardo Fuller penalty saved a point for Stoke, who continue to defy critics by moving up to 13th.

Game of the Week – Chelsea vs Arsenal

We seem to be entering a strange realm these days where top-4 clashes are (whisper it) almost entertaining. This was a lively little affair that saw yet another twist in the Arsenal tale, as they came from behind to show Chelsea their second home defeat in six weeks after more than 80 games undefeated under Mourinho and Grant. Scolari is rightly upset that van Persie’s equaliser was offside, but it’s a decision that isn’t going to change, and with half an hour to recover, Chelsea offered little fight after the Dutchman scored his second three minutes later.

Player of the Week – Johan Elmander

A bit of a shock buy this summer for huge money, Elmander has yet to really repay his faith to Bolton boss Gary Megson. However, with three goals in his last two league appearances, form might well be returning to the tall Swede, with two well-taken finishes this Saturday and even the chance to bag a hat-trick.

Goal of the Week – Henri Camara

Not many great contenders this week, but hats off to the brisk Senegalese forward for showing superb invention and unexpected acrobatics to catch on to Paul Robinson’s horribly misjudged header.

Effort of the Week – Wayne Rooney

With Joe Harte’s strangely being encouraged to challenge for a corner in United’s penalty area, Giggs broke with the ball and fed Rooney who, from a good 50-yards out, fired a long-range strike at the City goal. Between them, Harte and SWP just about kept it out, but still an unreal attempt from the United man.

Tactic of the Week – Phil Brown

How best to deal with Stoke City’s long throw is as much a recurring training ground topic as how to stop Robinho. Ok well maybe not, but still, it’s causing plenty of coaches severe headaches around the country. This weekend Hull employed a couple of interesting tactics at the Britannia, the first of which being goalkeeper Myhill opting to just boot the ball straight out for a corner rather than give Rory Delap the chance to wind up a throw. More amusing however was Brown’s use of substitute Dean Windass, who intentionally stretched and warmed up right next to and in front of Delap as the Irishman was starting his run-up. It only worked twice before Windass was booked, but still, kudos for thinking outside the box.

Controversy of the Week – Cristiano Ronaldo’s sending off

Ok so Robin van Persie’s blatant offside is ruffling a few feathers, but it’s not really controversial because it was so obvious. What was bizarre though is Ronaldo rising for a free header and then attempting to catch the ball when he looked perfectly placed to nod it in and effectively win the game for United. So what really happened then? Well according to Sir Alex, Cristiano was “protecting himself” from being hit in the face with the ball, “got a little shove in the back” as well, and also “thought he heard the referee’s whistle.” Ah, I didn’t realize, well strike the red card then and award Manchester United a bonus penalty goal.

Taking Point of the Week

Welcome to the first in a new series for STT, giving the weekend reviews a bit more of a discussion element that we feel we’ve been missing of late.

I read something Alan Hansen said over this weekend that I thought was pretty interesting. He said that recent poor form at Sunderland, Blackburn and West Ham has given their managers Roy Keane, Paul Ince and Gianfranco Zola a cruel lesson in understanding: “if you've played at any of the top clubs,” he said, “you have to realise that the players you manage will not be as good as you and they might not have the same hunger and desire.” I guess this is kind of obvious, but the frustration it brings hasn’t ever really resonated with me, especially when the aforementioned three players were so unbelievably successful for so many years.

The problem is though, where does this line of thought inevitably lead you as a manager? Either side of the coin is dangerous: accept that they can’t ever live up to your expectations and you learn to live with failure, but arrogantly looking down on your players for simply not being good enough just leads to insurrection. The answer seems to be simple: only go into management if you were a decidedly average player, just ask Arsene Wenger and Alex Ferguson…

Gameweek 14 – Mainline

Wow, what a boring weekend of football. The big-4 managed precisely zero goals between them, but take nothing away from Newcastle, Aston Villa and Fulham who all battled hard for their goalless draws. Liverpool welcomed back Fernando Torres, who looked bright in spells, but overall a draw was probably a fair return for Fulham’s graft. Chelsea found an inspired Shay Given too good for them at Stamford Bridge, while Aston Villa perhaps could’ve had a late penalty after Vidic man-handled a flying Agbonlahor to the ground, only for referee Chris Foy to see no infringement. Manchester City meanwhile produced perhaps the performance of the weekend at home to Arsenal, creating chances for fun as the Gunners’ season continues to crumble around its captain-less ship.

Bolton and West Ham got great little away wins at Middlesbrough and Sunderland respectively, while Harry Redknapp’s Spurs are back on track after a decent performance against Blackburn, who look pretty clueless at the moment despite some quality individuals. These three results are systematic at how exciting the season has been so far, with inconsistency so epidemic that anyone outside of the top 3 believes they truly can beat anyone else.

Finally, in what Paul Merson reasonably described as literally the worst match he’d ever seen, newly-promoted Stoke took the points over a struggling West Brom team who must think about re-evaluating their passing ethic to be successful. Kudos to Stoke for scoring with a non-Rory Delap throw-in scenario though.

Game of the Week – Portsmouth vs Hull City

Perhaps the most exciting game this weekend came at Fratton Park where Hull's never-say-die spirit was again in evidence as Phil Brown's men twice came from a goal down to force a decent draw at an always difficult away ground. Glen Johnson’s screamer was the highlight, and Pompey seemed to be cruising, until the 39-year-old STT hero Dean Windass popped up late on to force a Pamarot own goal to earn the Tigers a great point.

Player(s) of the Week – Shaun Wright-Phillips, Robinho and Steven Ireland

This triumvirate have been truly phenomenal this season so far, and no more so than this past weekend where a flat Arsenal team were brushed aside by the pace and directness of a free-flowing City side. Ireland is playing the best football of his career by a long way, SWP is back to his best, and Robinho is, well, he’s a bit tasty isn’t he.

Goal of the Week – Glen Johnson

Most weeks Robinho's quite breathtaking chip would have taken the plaudits, but when a right-back smacks a left-foot volley from 30 yards into the top corner, you have to give him props. See it for yourself about halfway into the match highlights above. Better than Bentley’s cracker against Arsenal a few weeks ago? Just maybe…

Shit Goal of the Week – Kevin Davies

We’ve already seen some excellently shambolic goals this season, but this Davies opener at the Riverside this weekend is surely up there. Steinsson met Matty Taylor’s freekick with a powerful header, only for it to clip the back of Davies’ head and deflect into the net. Played for and got, as they say.

Miss of the Week – Valon Behrami

You know, ‘miss of the week’ might be giving the Swiss wing-back a little bit too much credit actually, because in reality this is simply one of the worst misses of all time. Craig Bellamy rounds the keeper, rolls it into Behrami four yards out, and somehow he manages to lift the ball onto the crossbar. Truly exceptional incompetence.

Save of the Week – Shay Given

Given has to be one of the most underrated servants in the history of the Premier League, and once again proved his worth as Newcastle slammed the door shut on Chelsea for the first time this season. The pick of his performance was early on in the first half, when Florent Malouda picked out Frank Lampard with a delightful chip into the penalty area. Super Frank powered a header low down to Given’s right, but somehow the Irishman premeditated the direction and clawed it away.

Whinge of the Week – Arsene Wenger

Sometimes you have to genuinely wonder whether Arsene Wenger is watching the same game. After seeing his side crumble 3 – 0 away at Eastlands, in a match they probably should’ve lost by twice that margin, Wenger only suggested that the result “flattered Manchester City.” To his credit Mark Hughes simply replied “I think Arsene’s maybe being a bit ungracious,” with a smile.

Dick of the Week – Nikolas Bendtner

As we predicted last week, Mr Bendtner did indeed wear pink boots this weekend at Eastlands. Surprisingly he was as useless as ever, and is still searching for that illusive second goal of the season. That’s right, he has as many league goals as Titus Bramble.