Hleb and Flow

Alexander Hleb is a real cock; he looks like a pre-pubescent girl, fights like a tranquilized kitten, and has now claimed his main reason for leaving Arsenal is that London is too noisy. Poor sensitive Alex doesn’t like our fine capitol because it’s full of buildings and people and cars, and there’s almost no chance for him to just go into the woods and make daisy chains with his sisters. Hleb tearfully told The Sun today: “I’m not a big city man, I need my retreat, that’s why I’m often in Germany. Stuttgart is my second home, my friends are there and it is where I feel most comfortable.” I’m sorry, but isn’t Stuttgart also quite a big city? Wikipedia helpfully informs me that the Stuttgart metropolitan region has a population of more than 3.5 million, so I imagine that it probably gets a bit loud every now and then at the weekends? If you miss your friends and can’t hack it in the Greatest League in the World™ then that’s fine, but don’t cook up some pathetic excuse about London being noisy! Alternative options for Hleb include moving down to leafy Surrey, piercing his own ear-drums, or just permanently playing the soothing sounds of S Club 7 on his iPod. His agent Nikolai Shpilevski confirmed: “Alex is tired of the noisy and chaotic life in London and feels like living in calmer surroundings.” Fine, whatever, fuck off then.

However, it might not be up to Hleb anymore with Arsene Wenger assuring the Belarus winger that he is definitely not leaving this summer. The Gunners boss vowed to take him to court if he tries to buy out his contract, or make him rot in the reserves to block a move. Wenger says no-one will follow Mathieu Flamini out of the door: “I am confident of keeping Hleb. Nobody goes. It’s that simple. It’s about what is good for the club.” I’m sorry but does this sound a bit like someone else that’s been in the newspaper quite a lot recently? It starts with stopping a player transferring to another club, and it ends with an underground crypt full of incestuous children. Wenger concluded quite sinisterly: “You can’t come in the next day and buy it out. You may have to go to court and can be banned if it’s not done right. It takes months.”