Flutter By My Love

Saying footballers’ weddings are tacky is like saying the BNP are racist, but even within the tasteless circles we have become accustomed to, this is pretty bad. I mean not quite the Aladdin-themed abortion that was the Jordan/Peter Andre nuptials, but still a wankfest of the highest order. Yes, everyone’s favourite couple Wayne Rooney and Coleen McLoughlin are preparing to tie the knot officially this summer (June 14^th to be precise so get it in your diaries now), with a huge Italian monastery the surprisingly classy location of choice. It all goes dramatically downhill from here though; the theme is ‘butterflies,’ and each guest will be given a hand-made box containing a live butterfly to open at the same time. Seriously. An overly-enthusiastic source told us: “The butterfly release will make everyone gasp with amazement. It’s a beautiful sight, the day is going to be magical. They’ve chosen the Riviera’s most picturesque spot.” I’m not quite sure people will be gasping with “amazement” but whatever, it’s symbolic apparently.

Obviously Wayne had no say in this, so the buck has to stop with Coleen. She probably thinks it’s clever but it just sounds embarrassingly bad. The mysterious source continued: “Releasing the butterflies symbolises the freedom to be their own people within marriage.” Interesting; I always thought birds represented freedom, but what do I know? Butterflies are much prettier and they fit easily in a box. Anyway, the two-day affair sounds like a right good old knees-up, with plenty of posh slap-up grub, a disco on a yacht, and most excitingly, a slice of Wayne’s famous ‘hip-hop karaoke’ after the vows have taken place. Word on the street is that he does a mean version of Snoop Dogg’s classic 90s hit What’s My Muthfuckin Name, so look forward to that if you’re lucky enough to make the 50-guest cut.

It’s the hottest ticket in town apparently too: a recent poll found out that ¾ of Brits would rather attend the Rooney/McLoughlin wedding than the next Royal one. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not, or whether it’s just depressing that polls like that get carried out in the first place.