Ascend it With Beckham

Bono just doesn’t give up does he. Not content with recycling his shoes to protect the rainforest, the U2 frontman has now asked David Beckham to join him on an expedition up Africa’s highest peak, Mount Kilimanjaro. If only somehow we could just trap Bono and that other twat Geldof in a Superman-esque Phantom Zone then maybe we’d all get some peace and quiet. If you care about stopping AIDS so much, why don’t you donate some of your hundreds of millions of pounds instead of just organizing circle-jerk concerts for all your wanky friends to promote new albums at?

Anyway, despite a punishing media schedule, already inconveniently interrupted by having to play football, Beck-hizzle is “absolutely set” on completing the climb in order to help raise funds for children’s charity Unicef, with whom Beckham has already journeyed to Sierra Leone this year. No date has been set as yet, and there is still the insurance situation to iron out, but reportedly nothing will stand between Beckham and almost certain death. Crusader Bono helpfully took some time to jump down off his cross to tell us exclusively that U2’s newest Greatest Hits album will be stores the week before the expedition leaves.

The trek up Kilimanjaro, a 19,340ft snow-capped behemoth in northeast Tanzania, will take roughly six days. At 48, Bono might be struggling, as mountaineering experts have claimed that the ascent might even be a bit much for ultra-fit 32-year-old D. Beck. He is however determined to do it, even threatening to bizarrely drag along West Ham keeper Rob Green too, after the ex-Norwich man presumably lost a bet. A source told us: “(Beckham) was a bit uncertain at first but he found out, like many celebrities before him, that Bono can be very persuasive.” Rumours that Bono had two of Beckham’s children captured and held for ransom have yet to be confirmed or denied.