Loos-er

Does anybody remember Rebecca Loos? She is a Dutch-born prostitute that found herself splattered all over the red tops a few years after claiming that she slept with David Beckham, almost wrecking the-man-they-call-D-Beck’s marriage in the process. Having been out of the limelight for a few months, the former bisexual personal assistant (to clarify: former PA not former bisexual; I’m pretty sure she still actively drinks from the furry cup) has this week boasted that the LA Galaxy star was great between the sheets in an interview with that great bastion of truth, Zoo magazine. As far as I knew, she had never actually claimed to have slept with him, but apparently now she feels confident enough in her bank balance to even rate him “eight, or eight and a half” out of ten at the old in-out-in-out.

Now Rebecca is clearly not familiar with the official sex rating scale, because if she was, she’d realize the gulf in performance between an eight and an eight and a half rating. Eight includes zero foreplay but between one and two minutes of active penetration in the missionary position; eight and a half is similar, but you last just long enough to actually both undress. In the history of the universe, an eight and a half rating has only been achieved a handful of times outside of the pornographic film industry, and most of those were either drug-fueled or by accident.

She drooled: “Yeah, he was good. He looks like he’d be good. You can usually tell.” Well you’d definitely know love. She continued: “(he was) very confident. It’s nice when a man is confident in the bedroom.”

For the sake of further controversy, the professional reality-TV ‘star’ also took the time out of her busy schedule of cucumber swallowing and vagina-tightening operations to sound off about D. Beck’s missus, who is obviously not a big fan of her work. Without beating around the bush, Loos reasonably described Victoria Beckham as “the world’s least attractive woman star,” and when asked what she would say if she bumped into Posh in the street, she offered this dazzling insight: “not much, probably.”

Never Mind the Ballacks (sigh)

The Sun were really on form today so I decided to give them and their team of copywriting monkeys the kudos they deserve and keep that terrific headline. Anyway, exciting news from the world of music as two former members of the Sex Pistols threatened to write a “new anthem” for their beloved Chelsea FC. Now call me cynical, but an ‘anthem’ is not really something you can just set out to create, let alone randomly claim about one of your own songs. Undeterred, Steve Jones and Paul Cook, aka the ones that weren’t Johnny Rotten or Sid Vicious and you never heard of because they didn’t really do much, are attempting to distill their vast musical ability and years of Stamford Bridge knowledge into one magical 3 minute pop song as we speak. While rumours that it will be a slice of jazz fusion, with only spoken word poetry for vocals, have yet to be confirmed, I for one will be right here on the edge of my seat waiting.

Jones scoffed: “We want to do something that’s not corny like all the other football songs. Music and football tend to produce appalling results when put together, that’s what we want to avoid.” Come on Steve, did you not hear World in Motion or the Anfield Rap?

Wick to Wembley: The Book!

Those of you who pay attention to STT will remember a feature we ran last year, encouraging you to patronise a cracking little blog we’d come across called Wick to Wembley where a man called Andy Ollerenshaw attempted to follow his local team from the preliminary qualifying road of the FA Cup all the way through to the final. That’s a journey of 16 games, covering almost the entire country, during which he saw crowds swell from an underwhelming 108 to a phenomenal 89,000.

It goes without saying that we feel that this is a great title, and an essential for any football fan. It’s well written in a friendly and down-to-earth colloquial style, charting the ups and downs that come with a modern day attempt to fulfil the classic Road to Wembley motif. Don’t believe me, then read the wise words of endorsement on the back cover:

“Excellent…worthy of your precious time. An attempt to regain a little bit of grass roots football magic. It’s a cracking idea; set your face to ‘smile’ and check out his exploits.”

What a beautifully constructed sentence, I should imagine that whoever wrote that was very astute, and certainly knows what he’s talking about. He’s probably quite good looking too, not to mention popular with the ladies.

Anyway, for more information and to actually buy the book, go here. £1 from the sale of each copy will be donated to the AfriKids charity, so if you won’t do it for yourself, do it for Africa. You don’t want people thinking you’re a racist do you?

Finally, if you enjoy Andy exploits in this book and are left gasping for more, check out his latest venture here. This season he is attempting to follow the non-league journey of the FA Vase, again from his local team Chertsey FC, all the way to the Wembley-hosted final. He has already seen his mighty Chertsey breeze past Oakwood and Hassocks, before succumbing to the behemoths that are Arundel, so join him again soon as the Second Round Proper kicks off November 15.

Another Not Nice Man

Many people might not be able to point to Belarus on a map, nor might most people be able to pick out a member of the German secret police on the street. What’s the connection you might ask? Well never fear, there is one, because you see, the current Belarussian manager is a man named Bernd Stange, with some not-exactly-admirable ties to the communist East German police, the Stasi.

Way back in the late 1970s, Stange went into coaching with German league behemoths FC Carl Zeiss Jena, winning the GDR league title twice before in 1982, he was appointed head coach of East Germany. Stange returned to FC Carl Zeiss Jena in 1988 briefly, before moving on to coach Hertha BSC Berlin, where the somewhat infamous ties as a Stasi informant surfaced. He was known as an “Inoffizieller Mitarbeiter,” which translates ominously as “unofficial employee,” and tasked with reporting back to the Stasi on his own players’ views of the government, and whether any of them were breaking the law by making contact with West Germans. If you’ve seen Good Night and Good Luck, it’s kind of like that.

Now, you might think that’s pretty bad, but with that kind of pedigree there was really only one place he could go. After a couple of little spells coaching in Australia and Oman, Stange registered on the radar of one of STT’s least favourite men ever, Uday Hussein. Yes that’s right, Herr Stange became the coach of the national team of Iraq, even amid threats from George W Bush of possible military invasion.

Surprisingly he didn’t ask long, because good old Bush did in fact follow through with his military conflict, in case that happened to pass you by. Stange left the country on account of increasing security concerns, finally resigning his position in July 2002 after coaching the team by telephone in the intervening period. Just one month later however, the team Stange built caused a sensation by reaching the semi-finals of the Olympic Football Tournament, losing narrowly to Italy in the bronze medal decider. Interesting, eh? Maybe someone should try dropping the Spurs players in vats of sewage, and making them kick enormous cement balls…

Some Much Needed Insight

Former Arsenal midfielder and female impersonator Alexander Hleb has today compared Fabio Capello’s leadership of the England national team to a communist regime. An interesting take on matters certainly; it makes you think that perhaps ‘communist’ was a word our Mr Hleb only just learned and was subsequently eager to squeeze it into a press conference to show off how clever and worldly he is.

Anyway, the current Barcelona player is preparing to face England next week for the mighty Belarus, and apparently has been spying inside our camp to get the drop on our rejuvenated team. He said:

“Nothing can be achieved with restrictions and bans. The most important thing is the atmosphere in the team. It seems that there is some kind of communism going on. For example, Capello says the players’ breakfast is not from 8 till 9am but strictly at 8.15! It’s all nonsense.”

There is one thing you seem to have overlooked though Alex: literally no-one gives a fuck what you think, and never will, so keep your wise opinions to yourself.

Wembley Chronicles

Ok, so 5 – 1 was a pretty flattering scoreline, but I guess at the end of the day, a win’s still a win I get quite bored of writing the same paragraphs over and over again about the national team failing to live up to expectations, even against poor opposition, but suffice to say that we are still yet to see any noticeably positive results of Fabio Capello’s appointment to England manager.

At any level, a match against tame opposition is a chance to flex those creative muscles that must often be stifled for the sake of competitiveness and professionalism, yet at Wembley on Saturday there was no swagger or invention from a side that must be feeling as good as they have done in years, coming off the 4 – 1 mauling of Croatia in Zagreb not too long ago now. Instead, it was back to trepidation, with few chances carved out in open play and some slightly worrying defensive mis-steps when put under not-a-lot of pressure.

By now I’m sure most people have seen selected ‘highlights,’ and obviously heard the ongoing debate about the booing of Ashley Cole, so there’s little point is continuing that discussion here. What is (maybe) interesting to talk about though is Wembley itself, because for me this was my first experience of the re-invented national stadium. Admittedly, it was a relatively pointless qualifier against a weak team that had no real chance of causing any problems, but still, the best part of 90,000 people trooped up to North-West London in the late Saturday sun.

The question then is: how can 90,000 football fans fail to make any noise whatsoever, and generate nothing approaching the atmosphere I’ve witnessed even at non-league grounds over the years? It’s a baffling conundrum because it wasn’t just quiet for a huge stadium, it was literally silent for most of the match, to the extent where I was answering my phone and the callers didn’t believe I was actually at Wembley. The commercialisation of football has been lamented on this site many times before, but here more so than anywhere else, the corporate machine is starkly evident. There’s a reminder over the tannoy when it’s 10 minutes to kick-off, in case you forgot why you were there; the sponsored England band, or even the tannoy again, signal when it’s ok to sing or chant; flags and horns are sold outside the ground, but you better not use them in the ground in case someone takes offence; and genuinely, if you stand up, or voice an opinion a bit too loudly, you’ll get a tap on the shoulder from a steward and asked politely to just enjoy the game.

Even the facilities aren’t up to much: you can’t buy alcohol at the ground; you can’t leave to have a cigarette; you have to argue to get any tap water; and the cheapest food other than crisps is a £4.50 pie that tastes worse than cat food. Don’t get me wrong, it’s an amazing venue, but that’s just it: a venue, rather than a football stadium. It’s completely soulless, and any dreams of making Wembley a fortress for the national side have surely already evaporated. Maybe for an FA Cup final, where two sets of 45,000 fans bait each other, and the passion is there on the pitch from the players, it’s different, but I’m sorry because based on Saturday’s showing, I certainly won’t be going back in a hurry.

Vital Nereida Gallardo Update

It seems like ages since we’ve written anything about Cristiano Ronaldo’s fantastically slutty ex-girlfriend, but finally Kickette has uncovered a couple of little tidbits about the reality of actually dating someone as rich and sex-crazed as Ronaldo…

On being a classy, modern woman with mature relationship ideals: “He is very good in bed. That’s why I was with him. We had sex the first night we met.”

On not really understanding how decadent some WAGs live in exchange for putting out 24/7: Apparently, Cristiano “lavished” her with expensive gifts including a designer handbag and an Armani belt. Great. Don’t most WAGs get cars and diamond-encrusted dogs?

On the Milan of Northern England: “The city is a little bit sad and the nightclubs close early.”

On a blurry, glamorous lifestyle with Ronaldo: “Life was only PlayStation, movies on TV and sex.”

On being easy to impress: “His house is impressive, with three floors.”

On her unexpected trip to Dumpsville: “I was upset by the way he finished the relationship, which to me seems 100 per cent cowardly. He is very immature.” Ever the cad, Ronaldo allegedly sent her a text message. Class.

Swear-you-like

New Newcastle manager Joe Kinnear launched a blistering defence of his short reign at St James' Park last night in his first and maybe last press conference, when he managed to squeeze in an impressive 52 swear words in the five-minute rant.

He fumed: “I haven’t come here for people to take the piss out of me. And if I’m not flavour of the month, it don’t fucking bother me. I’m ridiculed for no reason. I’m defenceless. I can’t get a point in, I can’t say nothing, I can’t do nothing. But I ain’t going to be negative. I’ve a job to do. And I’m going to do it to the best of my ability and get on with it. I’m not going to spend any more time listening to any crap. I’m as straight as they come but I will stand up and fight for myself in any corner. You’re not going to fuck me off or frighten me.

“Whatever you do or whatever headlines run, you’re not going to embarrass me. I’m not going to stand for it. I’ve come up here for a simple chance to fucking prove myself. Just wait and make a decision after whatever period of time you want. That’s fine. Until then, get off my back and let me get on with my job. That’s all I ask of you. Whatever happens, the only way I’m going to win anything is by getting results. And it’s still going to be negative, negative, negative.”

Responding to the mauling he’s taken at the hands of ex-Wimbledon players who have ridiculed his appointment, he continued: “You (the press) are so fucking slimy. You are raking up players I got rid of, players I had fallen out with.

“You are not asking Robbie Earle, because he is sensible. You are not asking Warren Barton? No. Because he is fucking sensible.

“Anyone who has played for me for 10 years at any level, you will find some cunt that says something. I don’t have to hide anything.”

It Should Be a National Holiday

Good old Jermain Defoe. We haven’t heard from him in a while have we? Well unfortunately he’s been kind of busy actually playing football, and say what you want about his personal life, he’s been performing pretty damn well on the pitch. He celebrated his winning goal against Stoke yesterday with a pre-emptive birthday party at swanky London hot-spot Maya, where as you can imagine, the crème de la crème of busty slags were in attendance in the hope of offering a vessel for the Pompey’s man undoubtedly tepid seed.

Some other men managed to slip through the net though, most notably current team-mate Sol Campbell and the-only-man-in-the-league-that-makes-him-feel-tall, Shaun Wright-Phillips. Obviously the usual dirge of reality TV brain donors were invited too, but the story of the night was a dichotomy between two women. One, Abbey Clancy, provided some much needed class to the event, looking frankly delectable in an understated black ensemble, while the other, Jodie Marsh, took the complete opposite tack.

She decided that the best way to remind everyone that she’s still alive was to return to type, and just start flashing her cans at anyone with even a camera phone. She’s so rough already, but managed to actually damage her reputation even further by turning up with a man who is so instantly dislikable that I guess they’re kind of made for each other. Enormous face and vacant grin that screams Valium-induced numbness? Check. Shit haircut? Check. Getting-dressed-in-the-dark-is-the-new-black fashion statement? Double check. Insatiable desire to show off his six-pack at every opportunity as that’s literally the only thing he’s ever achieved with his life? You better believe it.

Someone please round these two up and gas them.

Gameweek 6 – Back Once Again for the Renegade Master

Yo yo yo yo yo! Blap blap blap blap blap! Etc etc. After a very very well deserved two week holiday, STT is finally back on your interwebz to bring you everything you need to know about football, and also some stuff you probably don’t really care about. So what’s been going down since we were last with you? Well, to be honest I don’t really know because I wasn’t in the country or anywhere near a TV, but it appears that Chelsea are currently top of the pile, and Spurs are rock-bottom, still awaiting their first win in a opening six games of Derby-esque incompetence. Terry Venebles blames Dimitar Berbatov, but we point the finger elsewhere to the clever moneymen upstairs for selling all their strikers except Darren Bent and buying one who apparently can’t play alongside the ex-Charlton flop.

Starting at the top then, Chelsea are looking a bit tasty these days, and eased past Stoke City this past weekend with a slick performance in the face of a determined and awkward Potters side. Although newcomers Stoke currently sit in the relegation zone, one point and two stalwart performances from back-to-back fixtures away at Liverpool and then entertaining Chelsea, should prove encouraging enough for Tony Pulis’ men.

Anyway, the expressions on some of friends’ faces told me a catastrophe had occurred at the Emirates Stadium this past week, and as such it gives me great pleasure to confirm that newly-promoted Hull did indeed topple The Best Footballing Team in the World Ever.™ Don’t be under any illusions about the manner of the performance though, Hull really deserved the points, and with two losses already this season out of six, Arsene Wenger might be getting a little concerned that his youngsters’ egos are getting in the way of professionalism once again. Hull meanwhile are in dreamland after a fantastic start to the season, and they deserve all the plaudits they are currently receiving. It would make STT even happier however if office favourite dean Windass got a few more starts though!

In the Merseyside derby, Liverpool came out on top once again, thanks to two swift lethal finishes from that man Torres. Everton have had a couple of rough results of late, with a narrow win over Stoke a few weeks ago their last points, but you have to feel that the ship will be righted sooner rather than later by David Moyes, especially with Tim Cahill back to fitness.

Manchester United seem to be over their traditional slow start as fast as ever, revitalised by a certain leather-tanned Portuguese lothario who’s back on the field faster than expected after his summer ankle operation. He’s already got a couple of goals under his belt, and Rooney has finally netted this season, so expect their next few games to be a little experimental as Ferguson works out the logistics of fitting Rooney, Ronaldo, Tevez and Berbatov into the same team.

Currently sitting in Manchester United’s spot in the top-4 though are Aston Villa, who have three wins in a row and seem to have settled down back into the free-flowing attacking form that brought them so much success last season. STT predicted a top-4 finish this year, and the way things are going, we are hoping to engage smug mode around April.

The other contenders to break the top-4 dominance are the bottomless pockets of Manchester City, whose Brazilian flare is bringing great football, but unfortunately for them, not always the ideal results as yet. They lost to an excellent Wigan side this past weekend who will certainly surprise a few people this season if they don’t pay them enough respect. A solid, physical backbone is peppered with creative talent such as STT favourites Wilson Palacios and Antonio Valencia, while newcomer Amr Zaki upfront is already proving to be a revelation for Steve Bruce.

Despite off-pitch disasters, West Ham are doing surprisingly well on the field, with graft from the midfield water-carriers inspiring them to a UEFA cup qualifying spot at the moment. Payouts to Sheffield United and their players might well be forthcoming, but with STT hero Gianfranco Zola at the reigns alongside Chelsea legend Steve Clarke, here’s hoping the Hammers can keep it together this season and stay afloat.

The third newly-promoted outfit West Brom had suffered probably the worst start of the three, but are slowly gaining momentum, with an away win this weekend at Middlesbrough a fantastic performance from Tony Mowbrey’s men against his former employers. They’ve yet to reproduce the passing football that earned them a reputation in the Championship last year, but have plugged a few gaping holes at the back that cost them early on in the season.

We finish then with the two somewhat calamitous teams, Newcastle and Tottenham, who currently prop up the table. Newcastle lost yet again this past weekend at home to Blackburn, and with the bizarrely-chosen Joe Kinnear at the helm currently, who’s to say when morale will be resurrected. Well, obviously when Mike Ashley leaves, but it’s anyone’s guess as to when he’ll get the message and piss off.

Thing is though, at least there’s Spurs. Currently languishing on two points in the their worst start in 53 years, the North London side seem to be struggling in every department, despite a pretty decent team on paper that includes David Bentley and Roman Pavlyuchenko. As ever, the ex-Spurs man Jermain Defoe opened the scoring for Portsmouth this past Sunday, continuing his great start to the season, before giraffe impersonator Peter Crouch sealed the points with a close-range header.

Phew, that was exhausting. To be perfectly honest, most of this is based just on newspaper reports and conjecture, so the world famous STT Weekly Awards have had to take a backseat this week. Send us in your nominations for Goal of the Week and Player of the Week etc though to the usual place, and if we like what you have to say, they’ll go up on the site in the next couple of days. It’s good to be back but please could some of you start doing a bit more of the work for me? Thanks, that’d be great.