Never Mind the Ballacks (sigh)

The Sun were really on form today so I decided to give them and their team of copywriting monkeys the kudos they deserve and keep that terrific headline. Anyway, exciting news from the world of music as two former members of the Sex Pistols threatened to write a “new anthem” for their beloved Chelsea FC. Now call me cynical, but an ‘anthem’ is not really something you can just set out to create, let alone randomly claim about one of your own songs. Undeterred, Steve Jones and Paul Cook, aka the ones that weren’t Johnny Rotten or Sid Vicious and you never heard of because they didn’t really do much, are attempting to distill their vast musical ability and years of Stamford Bridge knowledge into one magical 3 minute pop song as we speak. While rumours that it will be a slice of jazz fusion, with only spoken word poetry for vocals, have yet to be confirmed, I for one will be right here on the edge of my seat waiting.

Jones scoffed: “We want to do something that’s not corny like all the other football songs. Music and football tend to produce appalling results when put together, that’s what we want to avoid.” Come on Steve, did you not hear World in Motion or the Anfield Rap?

Jewell de Nile

There are some people associated with football that you are just waiting to be named and shamed by the press. Paul Jewell however, is not one of them, and it came as a bit of a surprise this past weekend when the News of the World published a pretty graphic expose of his extra-marrital activities. The current Derby boss not only cheated on his wife of 19 years, but was also stupid enough to actually film much of the action as he went to town on a pretty ropey old blond woman. Now Lindsey Lohan, there’s a chick people want to see a sex video of, but a tubby 43-year-old Scouser and his scrumpet? Er, no thanks. It’s the kind of thing that makes me want to gauge my own eyes to save the images being burned forever onto my retinas.

One wonders what exactly goes through the mind of celebrities as they finish filming a lust-filled romp. Sure we’ve all been there, but almost without exception this kind of material tends to remain in the, er, private collection shall we say. For a married footballer, surely the first thought is: “That was hot, I’m going for a smoke and a nap.” But second thought should definitely be: “If my wife or the press ever get hold of that I’ll be in seriously deep shit.” So how did this hour-long spectacular see the light of day? I guess we’ll never know, but presumably the unnamed cuckold in question saw fit to make a quick few pounds but getting the footage off Jewell and ‘accidently’ handing it over to the NOTW.

Forget the hyperbole though, this really ain’t the hardcore bondage flick it’s been made out to be. There’s some mild restraining with silk ties, and he even brings on a vibrator as a substitute (HA HA HA) while he treads water on one occasion, but other than that, this is just good old fashioned grown up sex, you know, the kind your parents have. Jewell (perhaps understandably) keeps his t-shirt on all times to cover his increasing paunch, and hangs out the back of this bird pretty unenthusiastically, clearly suffering from a lack of recent match practice (HA HA BLOODY HA). At one point he can even be heard uttering this pretty weird line: “I'm sweating. Be nice. Don't worry about upsetting me, tell me I'm sweating.” Whatever floats your boat mate.

Perhaps the hottest (bear in mind everything’s relative) part of the skin-flick though is a nice little epilogue filmed on the bonnet of Jewell’s dark Mercedes. As it has the number-plate ‘JJB’ one can perhaps assume that this video is pretty old, but that probably won’t save Jewell’s blushes. The mystery blond writhes around a bit moaning in what I can only assume is passion, before removing her underwear and shaking her ass for the camera while pleading: “Will you fuck me in daylight on your car?” Suffice to say, he didn’t need to be asked twice.

Since arriving at Derby, Jewell has failed to have any real affect on what has been a pretty pathetic effort in the top flight this year, and having scored just 14 goals in total, he should really be concentrating more on the club than playing hide the salami with some swamp monster. Interestingly, Jewell has also been one of the more outspoken managers of late when it comes to the glamorous football lifestyle, cracking down on partying and even having the nerve to help players with marriage problems to work through them. Jewell declared recently: “I told some of the young lads the other day we live in a world of X-Factor and fucking Celebrity Big Brother. Nowadays people are famous for being rubbish and making fools of themselves on TV and it fucking annoys me.” Talk about being host by your own petard.

Wife Alice - Not a looker

Sure his wife’s a dog, but come on, that’s not really an excuse is it, especially when you cheat on her with someone that isn’t exactly a hottie herself. The couple have two teenage kids together, so I imagine school has been a real barrel of laughs for them today. No word yet though on whether Jewell has been kicked out for good, but one assumes that it’s pretty hard to forgive such a humiliating transgression.