Beach Life, It’s the Only Life I Know

What’s the best way to reward yourself after an underwhelming set of performances at Euro 2008? Certainly stoking the fire of one of the angriest Scottish men in history is high on the list of priorities, but the correct answer should be: turn your mobile off, grab your insanely hot slice of lady-shaped pleasure and head down to the beach of course!

So oil yourself up, chuck on your grotesque-yet-expensive crucifix and head out to Italy for frolicking, mild-to-heavy petting, and of course good old fashioned missionary sex.

They Take Our Jobs!! But It’s OK If They’re This Hot!!

Italy have finally seen the light. Like our own great nation, they are have cultivated a nicely casual hostility towards immigrants over the last few years, presumably buoyed on by some sterling work by the European branches of The Sun and the Daily Facist. Now obviously this is all well and good while it only threatens cabbies and chop-shop mechanics, one of Italy’s best-known models has now been caught up in the nationalistic storm after admitting recently that she too was an illegal immigrant, living in fear of deportation and forced foxy-boxing down at the docks.

For those of you who can’t recognise her from previous coverage on this fine website, Czech-born Alena Seredova is the partner of uber-cool STT hero Gigi Buffon, while also being famous for modeling, TV presenting, wearing see-through shirts, and allegedly acting. Buffon is obviously a national hero for many reasons, and the pair have just had a child together, but Seredova’s recent revelation has sparked further fracas in the hottest political debate of the day.

In an interview with the highest-selling newspaper in Italy, Corriere della Sera, Seredova revealed she illegally entered the country from the Czech Republic nearly ten years ago now, before that country joined the European Union. As a result of this presumably traumatic experience, she said she was acutely aware of the dangers of stigmatising all migrants: “I believe that people who escape from misery to come to Italy to work, risking their skin on one of those boat crossings, should be accepted,” she said. Despite landing a roll presenting on a TV show upon arrivial in 2000, Seredova said she was permanently terrified to walk the streets: “It's absurd. My work put me in the public eye, but when I passed a policeman in the street I was afraid he would stop me. It brought me to tears.”

With the backing of the anti-immigrant-but-otherwise-really-nice-guys Northern League party, Silvio Berlusconi’s government plans to soon make entering Italy illegally a serious criminal offence, punishable even by prison. This rising tide of hatred comes from the sternly held assertion that obviously all crime is just committed by immigrants, and so locking them up in prison will definitely solve all the problems of poverty. If adopted, the new legislation would be among the strictest in Europe, and understandably it has drawn criticism from other Italian parties, the Vatican, the United Nations, and generally everyone else that isn’t a completely mindless racist.

Seredova’s comments however have been warmly received by Italian lefties campaigning for the rights of the country’s immigrant population. “She has done well to speak up,” said Daniela Pompei, the immigration officer for the Catholic organisation, Sant'Egidio. “We must remember that immigrants give a positive contribution to the Italy’s economy and society, and should be treated with respect,” he or she concluded.

So there we have it. Alena Seredova: TV presenter; model; actress; give-your-kidneys-to-medical-research-for-ten-minutes-alone-with-her beauty; political activist.

A new WAG on the Horizon

For those of you unfamiliar with this chap Sergio Ramos, he’s a young Spanish defender who plays for Real Madrid, and is really rather good. So good in fact that reportedly Chelsea are swimming around him, with an extortionate bid of £50million currently on the table if rumours in Spain are to be believed. Aside from actual footballing ability, he brings much more to the table though: he has plenty of tattoos, including one just above his joystick, and one depicting the dates of the terrorist attacks in Madrid and New York; he has a little dog named Odi; and his Madrid team-mates affectionately nickname him ‘gyspy’ because of his understandable love for flamenco music. On a more personal level, I’ve always thought that Sergio Ramos would make a very convincing woman, with his thin hips, long beautiful blonde hair and delectably high cheek-bones. In a dress he would be quite the confusing proposition because on paper he has everything I normally look for in a lady-friend.

Anyway, that’s neither here nor there because apparently very hot girls also value those attributes in him, as evidenced here by 2006’s Miss Spain, Elizabeth Reyes. The hot couple were recently snapped in lager-lout paradise the Algarve, and Ramos looks like he was trying to fit in with so-called British fashion by dressing like a complete muscle-beach homo. She’s clearly feeling it though so I guess he probably doesn’t give a shit what anyone else thinks. Why don’t normal girls like these kind of looks, only insanely fit European models who I’ll never get to meet? Let’s hope he moves to Chelsea and then she’ll at least be in the same city limits as me…

He’s Earned It

You never really mind when genuinely decent footballers hook up with insanely hot women, it’s only when medical cretins (i.e. Ashley Cole), who are actually shit, find themselves somehow between the legs of models and pop-stars that it all becomes a bit too much to take. I think it’s safe to say that Cristiano Ronaldo just about falls into the category of ‘yeah he can play a bit’ after the spectacular season he’s had, and I guess he’s attractive in that he-could-rape-me-so-I-might-as-well-go-with-it kind of way, so it’s hard to feel too upset at his latest conquest, Spanish supermodel Nereida Gallardo (yep, like the car). Here the happy couple are last night celebrating Manchester United’s victory over Arsenal, note the classy way he’s carrying his Porsche keys in his hand so everyone knows what he drives:

Anyway, I must resist that streak of knee-jerk bitterness, because like I said, he’s living the dream at the moment and who in his position wouldn’t want to be banging chicks this hot? Reportedly he flies Nareida in from Majorca for most of his matches, and the pair have been secretly each other since January this year. A gal pal of hers explained: “She’s at most of the games with Ronaldo’s cousin, Nuno. People wrongly assumed she was with him.”

While previous conquests include walking vacuum Gemma Atkinson and 3 separate Portuguese kids TV presenters (read into that what you will), STT applauds his latest choice of arm-candy. Sure she’s got great cans, but she’s classy because she’s not English.

Trouser-Tightening WAG Round-Up

There’s a veritable fiesta of attractive-lady-based stories circulating around pressland today, so rather than spread ourselves too thinly, we made the executive decision to keep the information bitesize and the pictures the focus because, at the end of the day, no-one really cares what any of this lot have to say do they?

Channelle Definitely Isn’t Copying Posh:

Ms Hayes, so desperate to join the WAG-mafia, has decided that a music career might be the best way to attract the attention of a footballer, so here is a sneak-peak at her debut single, unambiguously titled I Want It. Predictably, Chanelle is her underwear pouting for most of the video, but to be honest, she’s pretty hot in that cheap don’t-actually-want-to-look-her-in-the-face kind of way, so she gets a pass. The ‘song’ however is about as bad as it gets; you know you’re in trouble when Holly Valance and Britney Spears are your chief musical inspirations. When asked about the obvious comparisons to Posh, Chanelle had these words: “Yeah, we wear similar clothes because I choose to, but she sings one way and I sing another. I don't sound like her when I speak and I'm not trying to sound like her when I sing.” You’re right love you’re not, you’ve cleverly just got a computer to sing for you. Check the token black guy at the start to give it a nice ‘street’ edge:

Gemma Atkinson likes Women:

Unfortunately though only when she’s drunk, getting paid for it, and there’s a film crew around. Wait no, that’s perfect! The busty ex-Hollyoaks ‘actress’ was filming with the also-quite-hot Jaime Winstone (daughter of STT’s favourite sexy beast Ray) in a scene for the forthcoming, and undoubtedly awful, TV series called Phoo Action. As described on imdb.com, the plot is genuinely the worst I think I’ve ever heard, even including porno: ‘The year is 2012 and only Buddhist kung-fu cop Terry Phoo and teenage ne'er-do-well Whitey Action can save London and the Nation as a whole from mutant criminals who are taking over.’ I think I’ll pass thanks.

Marcus Bent’s current squeeze describes the perils of movie stardom: “I’d literally just met her and had to have sex with her. The director came up to us with a bottle of vodka and said do what you need to do.” Excitingly, Ms Winstone also had these words about the filming, adding that later in the series she also gets it on with ex-Boogie Nights star Heather Graham: “I prefer sex scenes with women, they're a lot more relaxed and a lot more fun.” If anyone knows how we can get onto the set, please drop us a line at the usual address.

Cheryl is ‘Available’:

At least according to her sizzling appearance in US rapper Will.I.Am’s latest video Heartbreaker, which Ms Cole provides backing vocals for. Art seems to be imitating life as Cheryl seems to get a bit of public revenge for husband Ashley’s indiscretions with other birds and vomit, singing the words as if talking directly to the Chelsea benchwarmer. The song is by no means as bad as Chanelle’s earlier effort but still this stinks a bit of cheese, in the pseudo-pop way we’ve come to expect from the Black Eyed Peas. However, this post is not about the music, so in terms of presenting Cheryl looking good enough to literally kill for, it’s job done:

Coleen likes Audrey Hepburn:

A whole lot it seems, as evidenced in a new photoshoot for Closer magazine where the fiancée of Wayne Rooney aped Hepburn’s classic attire from Breakfast at Tiffanys. She said: “I am modelling myself on Audrey Hepburn. I think she had so much class and I really love her.” Reportedly she has even added a somewhat scary Audrey-themed beauty room to the six-bedroom mansion in Cheshire she shares with Rooney, decorated in black and white and covered with framed pictures of the actress. Was it class she mentioned earlier? Anyway, Coleen is also rumoured to have been the mystery bidder who bought Hepburn’s iconic little black dress from the aforementioned movie for £410,000 at auction last year. It’s a rankly ridiculous amount of money for a dress, but presumably it does come with a built-in stereo and TV for that price?

Does Anyone else miss the Cold War?

Ok stop me when this starts to sound familiar: exotic quasi-European accent; villainous scheme for world domination stemming from humble beginnings; a plot to kill those who get in his way; exquisitely neat facial hair; a string of nameless scantily-clad beauties; numerous extortion attempts and the stealing of secrets or technology; luxurious mobile lair. I am of course describing Roman Abramovich, who seems to have missed the point of the James Bond movies more and more every day. The latest two additions to his, ahem, arsenal are the world’s largest privately owned yacht (see above) the M/Y Eclipse, which is currently being built under a cloud of secrecy off the German Baltic island of Ruegen, and bizarrely the world’s largest drill, which has a staggering diameter of 19m.

The Eclipse costs a modest £200m to manufacture, and at 550 feet is just about long enough to house a couple of decent par 3 golf holes. Our good friends over at The Spoiler have further worked out that in total, he will require nearly as many men to crew his four enormous yachts now as the entire Irish navy.

Regular features of the Eclipse reportedly include:

• A small hospital staffed by his own private medical team; a good use of resources that would otherwise would just be wasted on people in Africa or something

• Anti-bugging equipment windows that have flash sensors to warn of paparazzi photographers

• A cinema, aquarium, disco, gym, sauna, steam room, spa, several hot tubs, and a large outdoor swimming pool for Roman to host his famous ‘sexy parties’ with the likes of current WAG Daria Zhukova

Bond villain optional extras then include:

• Bulletproof glass, underwater cameras and a missile detection system

• Two £1m helicopters with indoor hangars

• Four detachable pleasure crafts and 20 jet skis

• A £2m, 12-seater submarine for diving and secret escape

Say what you want about the guy but he’s a pretty class act; you know you’re doing something right when 50 Cent wishes he rolled like you. It all sounds very very cool, but if this is anything other than a floating missle base / ops centre for a play for world domination then I’m Miss Moneypenny.

So, this drill then. Has Mr Abramovich actually got to the stage where he simply has too much money so has just started buying ‘the world’s biggest…’ well, everything? Abramovich's firm Infrastruktura in Moscow announced the purchase last Thursday, but still speculation is rife as to exactly what he plans to do with it. Wasn’t there a book where someone tried to drill a hole through some South American landmass to de-stabalise the whole continent? Maybe it’s that? Or perhaps he took uber-trash flick The Core a little too seriously and decided that a trip to the centre of the earth might be good for a few jollies? Genuinely, one suggestion is that his goal is to make a Channel Tunnel-style link between Russia and America by drilling a subterranean passage across the Bering Strait, between Siberia and Alaska. If so this would a truly phenomenal feat of both engineering and also diplomacy, given that it wasn’t long ago that the two super-powers were casually aiming nuclear warheads at one another.

Further conjecture includes rumours that Frank Lampard is no longer able to get his stomach inside Stamford Bridge so Abramovich wanted to accomodate his prized star by widening the stadium entrance, and yada yada...

WAGs are Fun part 3

Woot, woot! As an extra special pre-Christmas treat, STT has joined forces with cheap-over-the-counter-replacement-for-rohypnol Benylin to present what we suspect will be the last installment of this ever popular series for the time being. So comprehensive has our coverage been thus far that, unless a new svelte girl group pops up in the near future, we can’t see many footballers ever wanting to look outside of this current pool on display (across our three published articles) to date. So without further ado, let’s see what Santa has in his sack:

Carly Zucker

Now engaged to walking brain donor Joe Cole, one can only assume that as well as having a rack to mountain climb up, Ms Zucker is a very patient woman.

Gemma Atkinson

Some say she is a person in her own right, but let’s be honest, wearing a tight top in Hollyoaks and I’m a Celebrity Please Pay Me isn’t exactly the way to crack the film business is it? Passed around a little bit, Ms Atkinson was once being wooed by narcissistic greaseball (not in a racist way) Christiano Ronaldo, but has now settled for permanent nearly-man Darren Bent.

Martina Colombari

Say hello to the missus of Italian star Alessandro Costacurta. A former Miss Italy, the Milan legend has done alright here.

Nicola Tappenden

A.k.a Nicola T, this page 3 hoochie has been passed around the Premier League more than A Dummy’s Guide to Speaking English, but is most famous for her relationship with underwhelming West Ham striker Bobby Zamora. She appeared in ITV2 ‘hit’ WAG’s Boutique and even entered the Miss Great Britain contest as Miss Croydon. Although she’s now dating QPR ‘star’ Simon Walton, Zamora still claims to have a blown-up picture of Nicola's breasts applied to the ceiling above his bed. Class.

Cassie Summer

Another WAG’s Boutique alumni, Cassie dates Chelsea powerhouse and all round person-you’d-least-like-to-meet-in-prison Michael Essien. If he asked you to dress like this, would you tell him no?

Amii Grove

Very cute model, and now staple Nuts/Zoo girl, Ms Grove shot to fame after dating part time criminal Jermaine Pennant. She saw sense not long after and was last seen sleeping outside STT’s editorial office begging for “something to warm her up.”

Krystall Sidwell

Say what you want about Steve Sidwell but he must be doing something right as Krystall actually seems quite classy. His missus dresses properly, can form full sentences and isn’t an attention grabbing floozie. He’s missed a trick there, that’s not what being a footballer is all about!

Charlotte Mears

Ignore for a second the kaleidoscope that appears to have thrown up on Ms Mears legs and you will realize that she’s a hot girl-next-door type that oozes naivety. England flop Jermaine Defoe could clearly smell the blood in the water when he bagged her, but has since made the daft decision to dump this beauty for professional cum dumpster Danielle Lloyd:

Big props to Hefner for letting us use this pic. You know talent when you see it!

Noémie Lenoir

It’s fitting that one of the coolest footballers around these days, Claude Makalele, should have such a stunning wife, and being French, she has the grace to not parade around Soho with her norks out and no pants on. God I hate the French…

Lisa Munday

Into the murky waters of the Championship then briefly to give a big up to the somewhat forgotten Jamie Cureton. With her to save his energy up for, perhaps he doesn’t mind sitting on the bench 24/7 after all.

Sabrina Keogh

Jermaine Jenas may not be the sharpest tool in the box but he clearly has an eye for skirt. We shouldn’t be too cynical about this pairing though as they’ve actually been together for years and she’s just given birth to their first child, who’s life they have effectively ruined by naming her Sancha.

Nagore Alonso

Married to adopted Scouser and all round gent Xabi Alonso, not much is really known about Nagore other than she’s Spanish and very beautiful.

Silvina Luna

And finally we present this stunner, currently going out with…Diego Maradona? That can’t be right. She is 27 years old, coverstar of Argentina’s Maxim, stand-up comedian and TV star; he is a disgraced 47 year old tubby guy. He must be hung like a mountain horse.

Click here to remind yourself of part 1 and part 2.

Definitely not just an excuse to post pictures of her

For all of you out there waiting on tenterhooks to find out exactly how well Abbey Clancy’s acting career is going out in Hollywood, look no further because STT has had an exclusive update from the lady herself. Flying out to L.A. under a pseudonym, we were able to track down Ms Clancy through receipts one of our recon experts had found in a restaurant bin. He was then able to position himself in a plant pot at said restaurant, and then it was just a matter of playing the waiting game.

62 days, 13 hours and 58 minutes later, she finally returned, and conveniently sat at a table right next to our (now malnourished and somewhat feral) reporter. What follows therefore is an exclusive excerpt from a conversation we overheard between the future Mrs Peter Crouch, and her agent.

We can reveal that she has shockingly been advised to lose her Liverpudlian accent if she wants to really make it as a model / actress / singer / coke-slut in the US scene. The busty lingerie wet-dream revealed to her agent that many people in the industry have claimed that they are unable to understand her lyrical Scouse twang, and so she has since been forced to take elocution class to learn, quote, “how to pronounce words correctly and stuff.” Succinct as ever.

Don’t listen to them Abbey, they don’t know what their talking about! They spell ‘colour’ wrong and call pavement a ‘sidewalk’ and everything!

Many thanks to FHM Magazine for not agreeing to let us post these pictures up by the way, Nuts or Zoo would’ve been down.


UPDATE 1: The lovely naughty pictures of Abbey have mysteriously disappeared from this post. STT's team of codemonkeys are working on this as we speak, but probably want to go down the pub instead. It is possible they are so hot, the interwebz itself has popped a million boners and has ceased to function as we know it.

WAGs are fun part 2

More delving on STT's part into the world of footballer's Wives And Girlfriends has brought you the second edition of WAGS are fun! You lucky, lucky people.

Tomas's ladyfriend Jana Kocurova (what the execs of BMW said to rover, I believe) is nearly as jealous of her chap's pimp cup as Mrs. Santa Cruz.

Owen Hargreaves's girlfriend Janelle Khouri has received accolades from across the globe for being the least misbehaved WAG during England's 2006 World Cup campaign. That sort of backhanded compliment is a bit like saying Hargreaves was England's least shit player during the competition.

American model Kristen Pazik has been married to Shevchenko for 3 years and has heroically sprogged him a brace of sons, despite having a Body Mass Index of minus 5.

Some people say Raul has gone off the boil recently. What they fail to realise is that Mamen 'Mama' Sanz has a rare condition where she has a heart attack if she sees her husband score a goal. It's called Raulusedtobegreatbutisnowcontenttorunaboutbehindthefronttwoemia.

Thierry Henry has just been taken to the cleaners by savvy Nicole Merry, as she got a large wedge of his fortune in the recent divorce. The timing of his move to Barcelona coincided with the split, so she can probably take the credit for driving him out of the country. You go girl!

Raice Olivera is one of the many ex-squeezes of toothy lothario Ronaldo (the big strong one, not the gimpy tricky one). She lasted less than a year before Ronnie got bored or simply forgot about her, like he sometimes forgets how to play football.


Simone Lambe appears to be the most mature WAG here. I can't think of anything nice to say about her, or her boyfriend Michael Ballack, so I'll say nothing at all.


Italian WAGs always seem to be more in-your-face than their European or Brazilian counterparts. But prolific Juve captain Del Piero deserves her. She's not keen on his mate Noel, though.


Here's the money. Sylvie Van Der Vaart, wife of Dutch striker Rafael has it all going on. 'Miss Bundesliga' is so amazing, she could probably end poverty and find a cure for cancer if she wanted to. Wowza.