Marry Mii! Or don’t.

Those regular readers will undoubtedly be familiar with the ever escalating love saga between ex-Liverpool nearly-man Jermaine Pennant and slutty topless model Amii Grove (the extra ‘i’ is for ‘interracial’). 2008 saw it peak and trough like a Shakespearean emotional rollercoaster, with Amii starting the year by kicking the “love rat” to the curb after the not-exactly-intelligent Pennant decided to cheat on her while being filmed by their house’s CCTV cameras. He spent the following ten or so months routing through her bins and just generally following her around until finally late in year he cornered her and proposed.

Now what many people don’t realise is that Page 3 girls are susceptible to that trick from Austin Powers, only if you ask them the same question three times they have to say ‘yes’, not tell the truth. How else do you think they end up being such ho-bags? Anyway, the rest as they say is history. Or is it???

Well no, because as quickly as this heavenly coupling solidified their love and commitment in a £38,000 diamond, it’s all over again. Amii has run away to presumably become a bottomless model, and Pennant has done the sensible male thing and just got back together with his ex-girlfriend, someone apparently famous called Jennifer Metcalfe. But when you’ve been adorned with a ring worth the best part of £40,000 what do you do if it all goes tits up? Embrace the modern age of course and sell it on eBay!

The 2.05 carat ring, which has received 13 bids up to a price of £20,502 at the time of writing, appears to have been posted by Amii herself. Not exactly the most eloquent prose, but she’s got great cans so we’ll give her the benefit of the doubt: “This is the engagement ring of Amii Grove, the ex fiance of a well known Premiership Football star. It is a beautiful ring, and was brought last November, and was worn for only a month and a half as the couple split on new year’s eve 2009. It is a real eye catching ring, with a large diamond in the centre of the ring, on the actual band it has small diamonds going all the 3 quarters of the way around the ring on the top bottom and middle. It is a beautiful ring. The Ring was valued at £38,000. A donation will be made to Brake charity which is the chsrity Amii Grove supports since losing her brother last july 2008 to a quad crash.”

You might justifiably ask why not just give the ring back to Jermaine? Well, word on the street is that he actually refused to accept it after using her Mercedes as part exchange for a new Ferrari. What a class act. Let’s be honest though, when you genuinely propose to your girlfriend in a graveyard, how else do you expect it to end?

Chantelle Makes Radical Breakthrough To Cure Broken Bones

There’s something just so right about Jermain Defoe and Chantelle Houghton. He is a shameless reprobate willing to put his dick in literally anything, and she…well, she got her start in modeling after her mother took some topless pictures of her in a local park. Stars clearly aligned somewhere because this is truly a match made in a sordid North London motel car park. Having shrugged off accusations of a life of lonely prostitution with fellow Big Brother reject Chanelle Hayes, Chantelle seems to be forging quite a career for herself, and maybe (just maybe) she will one day be referred to without the “ex-Celebrity Big Brother contestant” epithet.

Anyway, it might’ve escaped your attention that our Jermain is currently out injured, having tragically fractured a toe trying to perfect the reverse wheelbarrow position. Rather than waste time seeing specialists or attempting physiotherapy, he’s done the sensible thing and gone to sit on a beach in Dubai with his balloon-chested brain donor of a girlfriend. It is kind of a celebration for her though so we’ll give them the benefit of the doubt; I know that when my girlfriend upped her cans from 32B to 32DD I definitely wanted to whisk her away for horseplay on a beach in the Middle East too.

One onlooker, who is reportedly unable to stop touching himself at the moment, dribbled: “Chantelle looked absolutely stunning in a bikini and Jermain certainly noticed. He couldn’t keep his eyes off her as she wandered around. And when she came back to the sunbeds he couldn’t keep his hands off her.” Thanks for that, really great contribution. Anyway, as you can see from the pics, Chantelle certainly had no idea the cameras snapping as she frolicked in the sea, under the public shower and next to Jermain on a sunbed.

In other thrilling news, Chantelle recently admitted that Jermain is “the one,” which apparently sent him into the stratosphere because you just know that when girls like that say things like that, it means one thing. Anal.

Remove Dignity Before Entering

Sometimes the focus on football-related stories on STT gets a bit lost, but please excuse the somewhat tenuous connection here and instead just wallow in a truly amusing story of low self-esteem and pathetic prostitution. You might recognise ex-Big Brother tart Chanelle Hayes from her several previous appearances over the last year or so, mainly through her MENSA-worrying friendship with fellow reality TV ho-bag Chantelle Houghton, but their shameless desire for fame apparently knows no boundaries.

You know things are bad when someone like Chantelle can still feature in The Sun’s Bizarre column on a regular basis ahead of you, but how truly bad must they be when you are prepared to just have sex with whoever is most famous fleeting-celebrity-of-the-week to make sure people remember your name. Chanelle then hit a new low last night by bedding Celebrity Big Brother ‘star’ Verne Troyer; yes that’s right, the guy who was Mini-Me in the Austin Powers movies. I’d ask what the hell she was thinking but I think that’s a somewhat self-defeating question.

The pair apparently spent all night flirting and smooching in a night club, before leaving together in the early hours for a good old-fashioned “sex and booze rampage.” Chanelle’s clearly intelligent gal pal quipped: “She (Chanelle) now knows size doesn’t matter. Verne may be a little fella but he knows how to have big fun!” I really despair sometimes. Chanelle herself helpfully added: “Verne is a real ladies' man and certainly knows what to say to the ladies. He may be small but to be honest he has really cut my other boyfriends down to size.” Ok, enough with the shit size-related puns, this is just getting embarrassing.

2’8” Troyer was enjoying a pretty standard night of his bodyweight in vodka (genuinely not that hard) but when Chanelle arrived a source tells us “he ditched the vodka and made sure he was introduced to her.” Wide-eyed and aggressively horny, “he was like a Jack Russell on heat,” whatever the hell that means. The pint-sized actor only had this to offer today: “I have plenty of inches where it matters.” Thanks for that.

Cover Up. Please.

In case you haven’t realised by now, the Rooney family are a pretty classy bunch. Current STT favourite is cousin Natalie who soared into the public consciousness with a not-at-all-inappropriate bit of flashing at Coleen’s glamorous 21st birthday bash last year.

Never one to have more than three original thoughts a year, Natalie decided that last night it was about time she bought herself a bit more tabloid coverage by doing exactly the same thing again. Only this time she wasn’t alone. She dragged along her reprobate cross-dressing brother Stephen to the closing night of Trannyshack at the Soho Revue Bar and got him involved as well.

Failing to realise that literally no-one in the world wants to see that, Natalie was genuinely surprised to hear one onlooker comment: “This is possibly the saddest thing I’ve ever seen.” Harsh but fair.

Taylor Made

Steven Taylor does ok for himself these days, despite not featuring as often as he probably should for ailing club Newcastle United. To help soften the blow, he has former FHM High Street Honey winner Tanya Robinson waiting for him at home to chuck the odd ready-meal in the microwave and massage his Gears of War 2-sore hands. Thing is though, when you have such a prime specimen on tap, what do you do when you go on holiday?


Get the lads together and basically pretend you’re on a gay cruise of course! Here are some cracking holiday snaps from when the big guy visited Las Vegas recently.
Ultimately though this isn’t about Northern chaps wearing terrible shirts and spilling drinks on themselves, it’s much more about Tanya Robinson being so hot I want to drive up to Newcastle now and sell Mr Taylor my parents for a quick bit of glory hole action with his lady. See her pole dancing and feel thoroughly depressed about your own girlfriend here:

The Next Victim

Cristiano Ronaldo has the right idea. At 23-years-old, after dipping his metaphorical toe into a pool of busty models, he has already realized that the way forward is nailing young Eastern European trophy wives of wealthy old businessmen. You see it’s the best of both worlds; they have plenty of cash so you don’t have to pay for everything, plus they’re bored and left dangerously horny after years of early nights and faked orgasms. His latest piece is a Ukranian lady called Alyona Hayes, 25, who is currently separated from her 50-year-old husband John Hayes, the director of a cleaning firm in Cheshire.

Now I was under the impression that Ronaldo didn’t really have any friends, but The Sun have apparently dug one up to offer this crucial insight: “It’s early days but Ronaldo seems very keen on her and has wined and dined her at some very expensive restaurants. (He) texts her mobile day and night. She’s very sexy and intelligent and finds him charming and funny. During one evening out together she made him laugh after telling him her dream is to open up a cattery. She adores animals, especially cats.” They seem made for each other don’t they? Alyona currently works in the fashion department at Selfridges in Manchester, but she also moonlights as the face of a dating website which finds beautiful Russian lovers for British men. She just gets better and better doesn’t she?

Despite vowing to divorce her in August, John is incensed that Alyona has moved on, and insists on checking up on her and reading her text messages. He said: “I saw messages coming in from him with his number saved as Ronaldo. They looked like they had been written by a seven-year-old . . . it was dreadful English and they mentioned Portugal.” A little jealous are we John? He continued: “He’s not intelligent in the slightest. Alyona is a very intelligent woman so I can’t imagine what they talk about when they sit down together.” My suggestion John would be that they probably don’t actually do that much talking, nor do they exactly ‘sit down together.’ Sorry, that’s probably not very helpful.

Warning: Contains a Tenuous Analogy

The world of wannabe WAGs / glamour models is apparently a fickle one. Just days after the office party in honour of Danielle Lloyd and Chantelle Houghton becoming official BFFs, they have fallen out spectacularly according to the usual gossip channels. The big-chested Celebrity Big Brother winner was on the receiving end of Lloyd’s sharp tongue for dating her fantastically desirable ex, the irrepressible Jermain Defoe. So yet again the pint-sized Portsmouth striker has hot girls fighting over him. It just isn’t fair.

Anyway, Lloyd was overheard at London’s Embassy Club mumbling this somewhat oblique insult: “If Jermain wants her, he’s welcome to her. She’s not like me — she’s like Woolworths.” Interesting analogy there Danielle, but I’m not quite sure it works. You see, both Ms Lloyd and Ms Houghton are pretty cheap composites of various plastic items, so I’m not quite sure what that makes Lloyd if Houghton is “Woolworths.” Costcutters maybe? I don’t know.

An unnamed insider helpfully clarified though: “Imitation is the highest form of flattery. So Dan is entertained by Chantelle’s style-stalking. She got a boob job, started the glamour modeling, and began hanging out with Danielle’s friends at her favourite nightclubs.” So far, so impressively descriptive and egotistical. “But there’s only one Danielle Lloyd, and she’s amused that her ex has pulled the Woolworths version of herself,” the source concluded smugly. I still don’t get it.

In case you care, Lloyd was out celebrating the 21st birthday of former Big Brother girl Chanelle Hayes. You know, the one that thinks she’s Victoria Beckham. Suffice to say, it was a truly magical night.

Whii Amii, Whii??

As much as the press and the general public complain when Cristiano Ronaldo gets caught fingering five hookers simultaneously in the back of his Bugatti Veyron, we all secretly know that in his position we’d be doing exactly the same thing on a Tuesday morning. You see, he’s probably the best footballer in the world, so has kind of earned the ridiculously fantastical life that he finds himself living day-to-day. What really grinds people’s gears though is when remarkably average players, who seem to have to passion or commitment to the game, end up earning almost as much money as the Portuguese star, and living a similarly breast-covered existence.

Case in point: Jermaine Pennant. A player who has rarely shown any ambition, and has yet spun out a pretty successful career for himself, including a Champions League Final appearance. What makes it worse though is that he has also dated many busty beauties, including the quite delectable Jennifer Metcalfe, and is now engaged to cracking topless model Amii Grove. Don’t let the lobotomised spelling of ‘Amy’ put you off, because she is all sorts of low-self-esteem-but-hot wrapped up in a fine 32D package. According to The Sun, the 23-year-old, exclaimed “Yes!” when the Liverpool bench-warmer, who she has dated for nearly two years now, got down on one knee and presented her with a diamond ring this past weekend. “I’m so happy,” she dribbled. “We haven’t set a date because of hectic work schedules, but I want it to be sooner rather than later. He’s the man of my dreams.”

Those of you with either keen memories or literally no life will remember that just over a year ago, Grove stormed out of the relationship after she caught Pennant cheating on her by checking their mansion’s CCTV camera. After spotting lipstick on a wine glass, the surprisingly-resourceful Grove did a little bit of detective work: “Sure enough the tape showed a pretty brunette walking into our bedroom with Jermaine. I could see the moment they turned the light off and burst into tears.” This prompted her to trash £200,000 of his designer clothes at the time, but apparently she has a ridiculously short memory. If only I could find a topless model who’s dreams involve me being a promiscuous and arrogant little shit…

Back in the Game

Lovers of big-chested morons rejoice, because our old friend Danielle Lloyd is once again single, having finally got fed of dating a guy called DJ Ironik. As you can see from the photo of him, he may well be the one person on this planet that Lloyd can justly feel an intellectual superiority over though.

Anyway, to celebrate this regained freedom, Lloyd joined an army of other pointless glamour girls and ex-reality TV ‘stars’ at the Lipsy store launch at London's Crystal night club. The Scouse model had been dating the MOBO-nominated DJ for a couple of months and the couple were even rumoured to be getting engaged, but her spokesmen laid it out for us: “Danielle and DJ Ironik are still good friends but found it difficult to find time to see each other due to their busy schedules.”

Having amazingly got over Ironik in double-quick time, Lloyd was spotted exchanging whitticisms with former Blue singer Simon Webbe, if that means anything to anyone? They were a rubbish ‘urban’ pop band, and he was the token black guy apparently.

Former Big Brother alumni included Grace Adams-Short, who looked horrendously orange, and also Nikki Grahame, that small annoyingly posh one, who here seems to have found her station in life. Also trying to contain her cans in an insufficient top was Shipwrecked honey Naomi Millbank-Smith who, trust me, is hotter than fishgrease.

Round the Bend

Looking at Marcus Bent, I find it hard to shake the feeling that it’s a miracle he doesn’t just fall over more often. He couldn’t really look more vacant if he tried, and if you’ve ever been unfortunate enough to see him interviewed, it’s like watching someone break their arm in slow motion. Anyway, he clearly does something right, because he’s moving in with busty girlfriend Gemma Atkinson this week. She was even quoted as saying: “I’d be more than happy to be with him forever.” Not bad for someone who can’t chew gum and walk in a straight line.

Having previously enjoyed the dubious honour of being plowed by Cristiano Ronaldo, Atkinson has clearly settled for mediocrity, despite being recently ranked number 6 in COED Magazine Online's 50 Sexiest WAGs of World Football. That’s got to count for something, even though I have no idea what COED Magazine is.

In other news, Ms Atkinson has a calender coming out soon and presumably she gets her cans out in it. Peep the shots for yourself here, before it’s too late and Marcus Bent bans her from appearing in public without his name tattooed on her face…or worse yet, her chest.

Resistable Talent

Danielle Lloyd has led a great life: she’s slept with Jermain Defoe, which, for a woman, is about as good as it can really get. Anyway, a quick scan over her biography tells me that it hasn’t always been high-flying decadence for Ms Lloyd, she truly started from the bottom; Liverpool specifically. At the age of 16, she began modeling, and upon finishing school, she decided to pursue that dream dual career of modeling and beautician-ing, obviously specializing in massage. As she built up her modeling reputation (read: had implants), she also became a qualified nail technician. Now it’s not quite clear whether this is nails as in fingernails, or nails as in those-things-you-hit-with-a-hammer, but I like to assume it’s the latter.

Construction work found itself permanently on the back-burner in 2004 when Lloyd was crowned Miss England, with the Miss Great Britain title following just two years later after she systematically ‘eliminated’ Miss Wales and Miss Ireland (Miss Scotland was deflatingly considered “no competition”). Controversy reared its fire-damaged face shortly after the award however, when it came to light that nude pictures of her in a recent Playboy might’ve tipped the balance in her favour. Obviously this was outrageous; as far as I’m concerned Lloyd showed initiative, and the only thing holding the other contestants back from doing the same was something pathetic called ‘integrity.’ Amusingly there was another twist in the tale, when it was revealed that Lloyd had also had an affair with one of the pageant judges. You’ll never guess who that was though: Teddy Sheringham! Ridiculous isn’t it!

Completing her abridged biography, is a memorable appearance on the BBC’s Test the Nation, where she was asked “Who was Winston Churchill - a rapper, the US President, the Prime Minister or the King?” Lloyd, quite brilliantly dead-panned: “Wasn't he the first black president of America? There's a statue of him near me - that's black.” Sometimes I really despair.

Anway, snap to the present, because today Lloyd has launched her own modeling agency, snappily titled Irresistable Talent. To publicise this moment of history, Lloyd played it safe and just got all the crew together for a nice old fashioned lingerie shoot. As you’d expect, most of the girls are pretty busty but not-so-great from the neck up. Familiarise yourself with them now though, and expect to see em all hanging off the arm of an average footballer very, very soon…

Vital Nereida Gallardo Update

It seems like ages since we’ve written anything about Cristiano Ronaldo’s fantastically slutty ex-girlfriend, but finally Kickette has uncovered a couple of little tidbits about the reality of actually dating someone as rich and sex-crazed as Ronaldo…

On being a classy, modern woman with mature relationship ideals: “He is very good in bed. That’s why I was with him. We had sex the first night we met.”

On not really understanding how decadent some WAGs live in exchange for putting out 24/7: Apparently, Cristiano “lavished” her with expensive gifts including a designer handbag and an Armani belt. Great. Don’t most WAGs get cars and diamond-encrusted dogs?

On the Milan of Northern England: “The city is a little bit sad and the nightclubs close early.”

On a blurry, glamorous lifestyle with Ronaldo: “Life was only PlayStation, movies on TV and sex.”

On being easy to impress: “His house is impressive, with three floors.”

On her unexpected trip to Dumpsville: “I was upset by the way he finished the relationship, which to me seems 100 per cent cowardly. He is very immature.” Ever the cad, Ronaldo allegedly sent her a text message. Class.

It Should Be a National Holiday

Good old Jermain Defoe. We haven’t heard from him in a while have we? Well unfortunately he’s been kind of busy actually playing football, and say what you want about his personal life, he’s been performing pretty damn well on the pitch. He celebrated his winning goal against Stoke yesterday with a pre-emptive birthday party at swanky London hot-spot Maya, where as you can imagine, the crème de la crème of busty slags were in attendance in the hope of offering a vessel for the Pompey’s man undoubtedly tepid seed.

Some other men managed to slip through the net though, most notably current team-mate Sol Campbell and the-only-man-in-the-league-that-makes-him-feel-tall, Shaun Wright-Phillips. Obviously the usual dirge of reality TV brain donors were invited too, but the story of the night was a dichotomy between two women. One, Abbey Clancy, provided some much needed class to the event, looking frankly delectable in an understated black ensemble, while the other, Jodie Marsh, took the complete opposite tack.

She decided that the best way to remind everyone that she’s still alive was to return to type, and just start flashing her cans at anyone with even a camera phone. She’s so rough already, but managed to actually damage her reputation even further by turning up with a man who is so instantly dislikable that I guess they’re kind of made for each other. Enormous face and vacant grin that screams Valium-induced numbness? Check. Shit haircut? Check. Getting-dressed-in-the-dark-is-the-new-black fashion statement? Double check. Insatiable desire to show off his six-pack at every opportunity as that’s literally the only thing he’s ever achieved with his life? You better believe it.

Someone please round these two up and gas them.

Benchmark

Every so often a footballer comes along and changes the way we think about WAGs and callous promiscuity. Ashley Cole tried his hand using self-humiliation, and we ran with it for a bit. Jermain Defoe dedicated most of 2007 to the pursuit of blow-up chests and fire-damaged faces. Now though, an unlikely contender has stepped up and shown these amateurs how it’s done. You see, Aston Villa’s Gabriel Agbonlahor has netted an astonishing hat-trick / bagged a historic treble (delete cheap pun as appropriate) by having three braindead lovers on the go at the same time and heroically getting them all pregnant. I’m genuinely pretty impressed.

Ever the professional, Villa’s young swordsman convinced two of the girls to have abortions, but unfortunately for his bachelor lifestyle, the third followed through and spat out Gabriel Agbonlahor Junior several months ago in June. An unnamed homeboy of Agbonlahor glibly rapped: “Gabby’s so arrogant he thought by telling the girls a string of lies he could keep all his balls in the air at once, and nobody would find out the truth. But mother nature finally blew the whistle!”

The quagmire began with his teenage sweetheart Sophie Smith, who was at school with Agbonlahor and started dating him in 2003 when he was an unknown 17-year-old in Villa’s youth squad. She’s, er, not exactly a looker, but was apparently “head over heels in love,” according to a nameless gal pal, and subsequently moved in with Agbonlahor’s family in Sutton Coldfield.

She has standardly come out in the press and slagged off the man’s performance between the sheets: “he was pretty average in bed and very selfish as a lover, a real ‘wham bam, thank-you ma’am’ bloke who only knew one position and fell asleep immediately afterwards.” Christ, can someone get these girls a new copywriter, it’s getting pretty boring reading the same cliches. At least next time some tart does a kiss-and-tell can we get them to use the phrase ‘needle-dick?’

So, just a year after moving Sophie in, Agbonlahor met his second lady friend, a Miss Elizabeth Wheeler, on a 2006 lads’ holiday in Greece and obviously began throwing shots into her on the side. Not literally of course, if we are to believe Sophie’s harsh assessment of his sexual adventure. Just four months later then he also started dating his third lucky lady, Tia Hithersay, who is literally the perfect combination: an air stewardess and a glamour model.

The bubble only started to burst later in the year though, after Agbonlahor had successfully juggled all three for an impressive period of time; his ‘main squeeze’ Sophie found incriminating text messages on his phone from tarty third-choice Tia. His response? Demonstrating a level of expertise that betrays his young age, he told the distraught Sophie that Tia was just a ‘gold-digger.’ There’s a lesson here kids; if in doubt, just quote urban song titles until the bird in question shuts her mouth. The ever-trusting Sophie though was wise to his game, and subsequently rang Tia demanding to know why she was sending him text messages at all.

It was now Tia’s turn to get up in Agbonlahor’s grill about being cheated on, but again he played dumb and insisted that his live-in girlfriend Sophie was merely a ‘crazy bitch’ who couldn’t accept that their relationship had ended months earlier. A nameless (but presumably not chest-less since this is the News of the World after all) gal pal of Tia’s gave us the lowdown: “Gabby’s not that good-looking, but he’s a real charmer and has never had any trouble attracting women. So he knew he could sweet-talk both girls into believing his lies. He told Sophie his training schedule was so busy he didn’t have time to see anyone else, and as Tia was constantly traveling between her Derby home and London, she wasn’t around in Birmingham to see what he was really up to.”

All this time, neither of them knew he was also still seeing this Elizabeth character a couple of times a week, but his three-timing secret was eventually discovered in December that year when Sophie (once again) found text messages of an illicit nature. Here’s where Agbonlahor drops the ball though: he used the same excuse as before to Sophie, claiming this Elizabeth girl was just a football groupie, who was only interested in his cash.

The story then takes a dramatic leap forward five months to May 2007, when Tia discovered she was six weeks’ pregnant. She then reportedly got a phone call from Sophie, who not only told her the big news that she too was also pregnant, but also that they were both being taken for an additional ride as Agbonlahor was playing hide the salami with Elizabeth too. It’s like the plot to a terrible American soap, only set in Birmingham and Derby, and with four brutally ugly brain donors as the main protagonists.

According to busty Tia, Agbonlahor wasn’t too supportive when she told him she was pregnant, uttering the following understanding summary of the difficult position she found herself in: “Do what you like but you’ll be on your own and end up just another girl with a footballer’s baby.” Class Gabby, class. Generously though he did cough up £2000 for Tia’s private abortion, while sensitively making live-in girlfriend Sophie pay for her own at a Birmingham clinic.

While the other two were whinging, Agbonlahor did the sensible thing and just continued seeing Elizabeth, but amazingly two months later news broke that she too was up the duff. Hilariously he got the phone-call, not only with Sophie in the driveway to see if he’d changed his ways, but also with Tia actually still in his bed upstairs having just had a one-night stand! The man is basically James Bond.

Bizarrely this whole story ends with Sophie and Tia now being best pals, while Elizabeth and Gabby Jr are shacked up in a nice little two-up, two-down in sunny Sutton Coldfield. As for Agbonlahor? Well he’s back out there ladies, so grab him while you can because as far as I can see he’s got the full package. Here’s how his supposed best friend generously describes him: “Gabby’s not exactly got a reputation for being caring or romantic…but amazingly he still somehow manages to charm women into bed with his sense of humour.”
Gabriel Agbonlahor, we salute you.