Final justice

The Champions League final was over before it began. Going into the game Manchester United were, for better or for worse, red-hot favourites, with critics pointing to the semi-final dismantling of an Arsenal team who, like Barce, know only one way to play. To make matters worse for the Catalans, they were missing three out of their four first-choice defenders and as such, were forced into incorporating midfielder Yaya Toure and the aging Carlos Puyol in unfamiliar defensive roles. Targeting this perceived weakness, Ferguson deployed a hardworking and determined midfield four of Giggs, Carrick, Anderson, and Park Ji-Sung to close down the deadly Barce midfield, and then pick a pass to get Rooney and Ronaldo running at the make-shift backline. It was a grave mistake.

The first ten minutes were an unfortunate microcosm of Ronaldo’s out of control ego. Following a confidence-inspiring freekick on target, his quick and predictably direct, runs followed by a fleeting long-range shots, simply frustrated the United players around him. Following this early pressure, United allowed Barce to start playing that dangerous brand of football they’ve showcased all season, exemplified by perhaps the most impressive goal-scoring ratio of the modern era. The creativity that fostered such an unprecedented dominance in the Spanish domestic league slowly started to dominate the English Champions.

Ultimately, the first half was epitomised by a Barcelona side enjoying their predisposition to possession, a characteristic United seemed to indulge by not getting tight to their men or attacking the loose ball with the conviction expected. The Manchester midfield was slow, both mentally and physically, when Barce were in possession or chasing the ball. Ronaldo continued to run head-down and aimlessly for ten minutes before Barce opened the scoring, a mistake from which no lessons were learned. The precise, metronomic passing of the Barce midfield disoriented United, before Eto’o floored Vidic with a simple dummy and toe-poked an early shot past Van der Sar. From then on Barce were quite simply on another plain, strolling every inch of the Stadio Olimpico with the pomp expected from a team of this composite talent. Every Barce pass was quick and sharp, every United pass was under-hit and panicked. In short, Barce were everything United were not: driven, calm, accurate and, more importantly, onside. The first half was played out with increasingly predictable regularity as Barce mesmeric superstars flexed their muscles, buoyed on by the biggest stage imaginable.

While in many ways United limped over the line to a third consecutive Premier League title, Barce romped to La Liga glory with a 6 – 2 demolition of rivals Real Madrid. The second half of the Final simply consolidated and realised this difference in group ability and determination. United continued frustrating each other with misplaced passes and unexpected errors, while Barcelona were relaxed in possession, commanding the respect often forgotten by pampered Premier League footballers, used to an easy win. Tevez was brought on for the ineffective and blundersome Anderson before Berbatov replaced Giggs to give United a 4-2-4 formation. Yet, with Ronaldo neutralised by the excellent Puyol, in new territory at right back, and Rooney increasingly hugging the touchline, United failed to produce any inspiration. By definition inspiration cannot be produced, simply witnessed, and United’s second half was another example of failed attempts, off-side runs and vacant defending. From an innocuous string of passes down the right side Xavi whipped in an inch-perfect cross that Messi was able to meet with what can only be described as grace. It was one of those moments where time seemed to stand still, and from the moment the ball left Xavi’s foot, the die was cast. The remainder of the match was simply a formality.

While the result might not have surprised too many people, the manner of Barce’s victory certainly might have done. Barcelona’s domination of the Spanish League was dismissed by the arrogance of the English, because after all, we’re told week-after-week that La Liga and Serie A are nothing compared to the full-blooded, break-neck Premier League. Pre-match, the Spanish were as self-assured as the English, yet ultimately the truth shone through. Barcelona made Manchester United look like a pub team. Outshone in every position on the park, United deferred to hard tackles and long balls within twenty minutes, and it was this lack of imagination and submission to superior ability that destroyed United in the end.

It seems a little self-defeating to highlight particular players for praise, but even amongst the other stars on display, three men in blue and red stood out. They are Xavi Hernandez, Andres Iniesta and of course Lionel Messi. Ferguson spoke before the game of Xavi and Iniesta’s ability to put opponents on a “carousel” with their passing, and if anything, they actually superseded the Scotsman’s hyperbole. The ‘pass, move, offer’ school of football was on display for all to see last night, and any doubts that the two Spaniards are currently the world’s two best midfielders evaporated before half-time. And little Lio Messi? Unplayable from start to finish, bouncing off tackles, running at defenders, and constantly on the lookout for that moment of innovation to unlock the Premier League’s meanest defense.

Put short, the self-congratulatory and onanistic undertones of English football were ultimately undone this year, and every minor or major battle was won by the Spanish champions. The evening was billed as Manchester United vs Barcelona, Ronaldo vs Messi, Ferguson vs Guardiola. The representatives of the English League were undermined in every respect by their own arrogance, laziness and lack of imagination. A club owned by a supporters collective and sponsored by UNICEF destroyed the ultimate symbol of global footballing business. It was the final the world had been waiting for.

Last year, a moment of individual brilliance from Paul Scholes put United above Barca in a second. A year on, 93 minutes of footballing perfection undid everything. The gulf, if you’re a United fan, was terrifying.

Samba

While it might’ve escaped some peoples’ attention, this week it is Carnival in Brazil. For the uninitiated, this is an excuse for all day binge drinking and ridiculously hot girls to not wear tops. Concurrent to all of this are huge parades and probably some political nonsense that no-one else really understands.

Anyway, already it’s proving difficult to write anything about what is essentially just a photo I wanted to bring to everyone’s collective attention. Part of the major parade yesterday in downtown Rio, alongside other equally weird floats, was the above representation of a certain Cristiano Ronaldo. Now even putting aside the obvious Spitting Image-esque distortion of his remarkably handsome features, this is plain bizarre in every possible way. Note how he appears to be straddling some kind of golden dungeon for one, but even more distressing is the phantom left testicle flapping out from under his shorts for the whole world to see. Whoever is responsible for this needs some serious mental help.

Gameweek 17 - Stone the Coles

Happy Monday to one and all, after a weekend that saw clubs festively playing out scoreless draws and the big 4 all charitably drawing, to leave the top 3 unchanged.

Gareth Southgate’s record against Arsenal in his 2 and a bit years of management has been excellent, drawing 3 games and winning one. The early kickoff at the Riverside on Saturday wasn’t a game for the neutral, but saw a couple of goals. Adebayor’s opener fell straight to him from a corner, but a nice header from Arsenal reject Jeremie Aliadiere levelled it up and was the cue for much chest thumping and badge kissing from the sprightly Frenchman.

Villa's great win over a slugging Bolton took them to 4th in the table, after an excellent performance from both sides. Ashley Young and Gabriel Agbonlahor both proved to be virtually unplayable, while Villa's midfield purred under the direction of Gareth Barry. The pick of the goals has to be Agbonlahor's, collecting a long ball and smashing home like he didn't care.

A triumvirate of thumpings were dealt out by Sunderland, Wigan and Newcastle, over the pummelled West Brom, Blackburn and Portsmouth respectively. Sunderland, under interim manager Ricky Sbragia turned on the class, with Kenwyne Jones returning to form with a brace of goals after getting laid the fuck out by David James 6 months ago. Conversely, Paul Ince’s position looks increasingly untenable, after a Wilson Palacios inspired Wigan tormented a shaky Blackburn defence, which shipped 3 goals, including a cheeky Emile Heskey backheel. Newcastle also scored 3 against a woeful Pompey, who had 12 shots off target in a chilly Fratton Park encounter, the pick of them being Michael Owen's lovely chip, which will surely add another million pounds onto his inevitable transfer fee in January.

In other games, Stoke had a thrilling encounter with Fulham, which ended 0-0 and Manchester City's slide down the table continued, after a strikerless Everton side scored in injury time. West Ham's Craig Bellamy scored the first goal in a decent encounter at Stamford Bridge, but the Hammers couldn't do anything about Anelka's reply, although they held on for a very creditable draw.

Goal of the Week

It has to be Heskey's effort, even if he didn't mean it. The big striker, whose ball control has been likened to a Disney character on frozen water in the past, touched in a nice cross from Zaki with a flick behind his standing leg.

Game of the Week – Liverpool vs Hull City

An exhilarating contest at Anfield ended with Liverpool and Hull City earning a point apiece and it would have been unfair for either side to lose. The Tigers have made a surprisingly bright start to the season and their attacking adventure has been just as refreshing. They forged a two-goal lead thanks to a Paul McShane header and Jamie Carragher own goal but Liverpool's talisman Steven Gerrard rescued his team once again with two clinical finishes before the break. There was no change to the scoreline in the second half as the visitors held firm to frustrate Rafa Benitez's men.

Player of the Week – Gabriel Agbonlahor

Perhaps inspired by team-mate Ashley Young's recognition in the same category last weekend, Agbonlahor produced a dazzling display to help Aston Villa come from behind and claim a 4-2 victory over Bolton. The newly-capped England international dragged Villa level at 1-1 with a fine strike and later showed another side to his game with a headed goal. The speedy striker was a constant threat and his final contribution was to set up Young for a fourth late on.

Hero of the Week

Martin O'Neill's men really showed what they can do on Saturday, with an absolutely beautiful attacking display against a pretty well organised Bolton team. In moving up into 4th, ahead of Arsenal, Villa really showed what they are made of and what they can potentially achieve this season, when Arsenal may not be at their best.

Zero of the Week

John Pantsil's hilarious panto dive takes the biscuit here. After an ill-advised contretemps with Yardie striker Ricardo Fuller, where foreheads were homoerotically rubbed, Pantsil went down like he'd been helicoptered by John Holmes. Fuller's reaction was priceless - a combination of malice, confusion and disdain.

Petulance of the Week

Ronaldo's silly little kick on Dawson deserved a card and players have been sent off for much less, even though Ronnie wanted big hugs to say sorry afterwards.

Warning: May Contain Actual Porn

Over the years, we at STT have longingly suggested that football and porn could be successfully meshed. However, the distinct lack of cameras, a studio and willing ‘models’ have held us back from producing the future-classic Any Hole’s a Goal™ that we know we have in our locker. After more than four man hours of expansive story-boarding and internet-based ‘research,’ the towel has had to be thrown in because, well, stupid shit like girlfriends and jobs kept getting in the way.

Brazilians have no such problems. You see, they have persuaded one of Ronaldo’s (the transsexual-prostitute-loving-one, not the multiple-regular-prostitute-loving-one) ex-girlfriends to star in a porn movie with a bonafide genuine Ronaldo look-a-like. The delectable Vivi Brunieri has thus changed her name to Vivi Ronaldinha, and the inspirationally-titled: Vivi Ronaldinha, My First Time is out there now for everyone with an internet connection to see for themselves.

A couple of treats for you now then, courtesy of those excellent chaps over at Dirty Tackle. Firstly, what appears to be some kind of attempt at a viral video, in which someone with a video camera conveniently catches Ronaldinha and Ronaldo messing around through their hotel room window:



Secondly, a Behind the Scenes featurette which is obviously all kinds of awesome-



The guy’s face just makes me laugh so much!

Will the Real Ronaldo Please Stand Up?

Now this story is just brilliant. You might remember that earlier this year we ran a little feature advertising the fantastic plethora of football look-a-likes available for hire through Fake Faces for, you know, parties and sex tapes. We drew particular attention to this cheeky chappy, Jaime Wright, saying (and I quote): “Sorry to burst your bubble mate but just because you have a United shirt on, a shit fake-tan and wank haircut does not make you look anything like Ronaldo. In fact you’re quite obviously just a complete tool.”

Despite this cutting criticism, Jaime has kept the show on the road, posing out and about in Manchester whenever possible, in the hope that some girl will get drunk enough to mistake him for the real thing. Amazingly, not just one girl took the bait, but apparently five! According to that reputable rag The People, Jaime has been exposed faking a Portuguese accent, chatting to braindead girls about “old mates” like David Beckham, and even whisking them off to posh hotels that Ronaldo himself has previously stayed in.

When confronted, Jaime claimed to “always tell the truth in the morning,” shattering the dreams of many a kiss-and-tell floozey in the process. He seems to think this is acceptable, and “a laugh,” but imagine the indignation when you discover that instead of being degraded and used by a footballing megastar, you’ve just been routinely pearl necklaced by some dickhead from Eastbourne, who has nothing better to do with his time than learn how to say “can I change at Baker Street?” in Portuguese.

Obviously I am pretty jealous of Jaime’s exploits, so here are some nice little anecdotes he had to share. I apologise in advance for their sheer vacancy however: “I was in a club in Manchester and these three girls just came up and said 'You are Ronaldo'. I didn't say that I was and I didn't say that I wasn't. We went back to a hotel and had a great night.” Son of a bitch!

He continued smugly: “I tell girls they are very beautiful in Portuguese and I sometimes put the accent on as well. But often girls don't really think about it as they are so convinced I'm him by the way I look. When they ask me questions as if I am Ronaldo it is always easy things like 'When did you come to Manchester?' or 'Were you there when David Beckham was there?'” Girls are so stupid aren’t they Jaime?

Finally, his eyes glazed over as he gushed: “They also tell me what they want to do to me sexually.” Unfortunately we have no photos or anything of these lucky ladies, but we really hope they all don’t look like the one on the left here, because that’s just too depressing…

The Best Damn Club in Town

Since dumping inflatable fun-bucket Nereida Gallardo, Cristiano Ronaldo has been having a whale of a time. In between busy stints tanning himself blacker than night, the Portuguese winger has been rubbing shoulders with Paris Hilton, David Beckham and Justin Timberlake, and dating a foxy Italian model called Letizia Filippi. Presumably her Portuguese isn’t too great, and I doubt he’s learned Italian for her, but whatever, they’ve clearly found a couple of ways to communicate.

Just to compound how much you hate Ronaldo, today the feisty Italian revealed that the pair share a wondrously saucy fantasy: “We have exchanged dozens of hot messages,” she drooled. “My dream would be to get on a private plane, just the two of us, and do it at high altitude. It would be so romantic.” While ‘romantic’ isn’t exactly the word I would’ve chosen, I think you’ll all share my sentiments of violent jealousy.

Cristiano the Ladykiller

One of STT’s main online influences when we started up was the awesome What Would Tyler Durden Do? so it fills me with great pride to say that we are now finally stealing an article from them. And what else but Cristiano Ronaldo’s seed-spreading tour of LA would they be commenting on? Kudos to Cristiano actually for registering on their radar, that’s another notch on the metaphorical bed-post, eh C. Ron?

Anyway, a little while ago you might remember a charming little piece we did about Norwich bench-warmer Jason Shackell, who really fancies himself as an actor-slash-model-slash-tosser. Well he shot to, er, ‘fame’ by guest-appearing in underwhelming MTV fake-drama The Hills and trying to throw a shot into a very tidy piece of spoilt Californian ass known as Lauren Conrad. While he apparently offered to eviscerate his own mother for a chance to pearl necklace her, it seems that Mr Ronaldo has slightly more discerning tastes.

You see, while rubbing shoulders with the likes of the main guy from Entourage at trendy hot-spot Kress, the ridiculously-bright-orange Ronaldo refused to pose for a photo with the devastated Conrad. A fellow party-goer gushed to the Daily Facist: “Cristiano was in with his friends, enjoying the music and chilling out in the corner of the club. Lauren approached him and asked for a picture of them to be taken. But he just blew her off and refused.” Cristiano apparently then turned to his friend and said in his breathlessly sexy Portuguese accent: “Who is this woman?” The nameless source continued: “Lauren was mortified. She told her friends she couldn't believe he'd talk to her like that. Worse still, she couldn't believe he didn't know who she is. She walked away in a really bad mood.”

Bitch got served! Seriously though, Lauren is pretty hot, but clearly lacks that eye-twinkle of seedy experience that signals to Cristiano that he can just tie himself up and wait for the g-force.

Let’s All Laugh at Ronaldo

He doesn’t help himself does he? When he’s not posturing on the field and tripping himself up with step-overs, Cristiano Ronaldo likes to spend a lot of money on clothes. Money however, as the saying goes, cannot buy you taste. Less than a week after wearing a fully white suit to some pointless awards ceremony in LA, Cristiano has decided to up the stakes and show just how ridiculous a man can actually look. Insanely tanned legs? Check. Tiny metallic shorts? Check. Pink ‘vintage’ t-shirt that probably says something ‘esoteric’ in a foreign language? You better believe it. Shoes so white they blind anyone who looks directly at them? Never leaves home without them!

The day same day he was also snapped rocking this interesting little look, accompanied by a guy who just looks like a slighter fatter and gayer version of himself. I guess it’s good for the old ego to constantly walk around with someone who looks the same as you but worse; you’re bound to look good in comparison! Check out today’s copy of The Sun for a truly embarrassing re-write of WHAM classic Club Tropicana by the way, with lyrics changed in a ‘humorous’ way to reflect the fact that they clearly think the pair look very similar to George Michael and Andrew whatshisname, circa 1980. A swing and a miss there guys.

In other news, an internet search of literally 7 seconds will deliver you plenty of new pictures of his former missus, Nereida Gallardo, with her spectacular cans out on a Spanish beach. In girls’ terms, getting photographed so blatantly frolicking means: “you’ll never get to motorboat these again bitch-boy.”

La Passione

Last week we watched Cristiano Ronaldo look foolish in America and also ditch busty lover Nereida Gallardo for seemingly no reason other than he’d got bored. Now however, things are starting to unmuddy themselves when it comes to Gallardo’s one-way ticket to Dumpsville. Word on the street (ok, the internet) is that the Manchester United sleezeball has fallen for Italian beauty Letizia Filippi, who he met on a yacht while actually partying with Gallardo. What a class act.

According to Italian newspapers the TV presenter and model Filippi ensnared Ronaldo right under Nereida’s nose, fixing him with a “gaze that melted him like an icicle in the sun.” Beautiful prose there guys, you paint quite a picture. Clearly eager to slime his way into her undoubtedly lacy and crotchless underwear, the Portuguese star pulled out all the stops by getting one of his entourage to order her flowers cos, you know, chicks love that cheesey shit. Asked about his intentions, Letizia laughed today: “We had dinner together with friends. It’s not bad knowing Ronaldo.” That’s what you think love, you haven’t slept with him yet.

So what do we think then boys and girls? Hotter than the audience-dividing Nereida? Personally I think this one is a lot naturally prettier, but would probably be a starfish in the sac…

Hard Knock Life

You’d think after a fairly serious piece of ankle surgery, you’d just be tucked up in bed watching movies and enjoying the odd day-long session of Grand Theft Auto IV guilt free. Not Cristiano Ronaldo though, he doesn’t know the meaning of the word ‘relax,’ and just days after going under the knife in freaky-deaky Amsterdam has managed to find himself across the pond in Hollywood, partying with the likes of professional cum-dumpster Paris Hilton.

Ronaldo made a surprise appearance at the trendy LA nightspot Villa, hobbling about on crutches while necking shandys and peach schnaps in the VIP area. Media conjecture of course dictates that a string of girls threw themselves at the Manchester United star, who recently frisky dumped girlfriend Nereida Gallardo, because, you know, in Hollywood they definitely follow the English Premier League religiously and would recognise him. Since they shared the same air for a couple of hours, the rumour is that even Paris Hilton made a play for Ronaldo, but she has been quick to deny that he subsequently snubbed her.

In other news, Ms Gallardo has been quick to show she is over the Portuguese winger by doing a further spot of busty beach frolicking (does she actually do anything else?) with a friend in Majorca. It’s good to watch, although you can’t help but feel a bit sorry for her. Ronaldo reportedly ditched the Spanish model after the press sensitively exposed her previous relationship with Real Madrid defender Sergio Ramos. Do you think any of them actually feel any guilt about that, or is it just high-fives around the office? Anyway, the rotten core of the red tops is a discussion for another time; for now, just enjoy Nereida’s cans, possibly for the last time on this site…

p.s. thanks to The Spoiler for the hot snaps

Beach Life, It’s the Only Life I Know

What’s the best way to reward yourself after an underwhelming set of performances at Euro 2008? Certainly stoking the fire of one of the angriest Scottish men in history is high on the list of priorities, but the correct answer should be: turn your mobile off, grab your insanely hot slice of lady-shaped pleasure and head down to the beach of course!

So oil yourself up, chuck on your grotesque-yet-expensive crucifix and head out to Italy for frolicking, mild-to-heavy petting, and of course good old fashioned missionary sex.

The Best There Is. The Best There Was. The Best There Ever Will Be (Part Two)

So last week we delivered the first part of this double feature where we lined Cristiano Ronaldo up alongside some of the Premier League’s very best forwards from years past. Here then is the follow-up piece, with a few choice selections from Europe during the Premier League years, as well as some players from your Dad’s days. Obviously this could have gone on indefinitely so we tried to be as strict as possible in our selection process, focusing primarily just on attacking players. Obviously there have been some spectacular defenders and goalkeepers in the past, but it seemed a bit unfair to compare them to Ronaldo and the other guys on here simply because they wouldn’t always have the sheer stats to back it up. If we’ve missed anyone really pertinent however, please feel free to leave us something glib and condescending in the comment box at the end of the article…

George Weah (1994 – 1995)

A great man in more ways than one, Weah was not just an incredible footballer but also a genuine philanthropist and a politician. He was playing professionally before I was even born, but it was under Arsene Wenger at Monaco in the late-80s that Weah started to become the legend he is now. A spell at PSG followed, but in his five years at AC Milan between 1995 and 2000, he was elevated to very upper echelons of world football alongside most of the guys that will follow here. In 1995, he was named African Footballer of the Year, and also became the only African to win both FIFA World Player of the Year and European Footballer of the Year awards. In 1999 he was voted African Footballer of the Century, joining Pele (South American Footballer of the Century) and Johan Cruyff (European Footballer of the Century) as the very best of the best. Here then are some of his Milan highlights, with one of the greatest goals in history appearing at about 2:15 -

Alvaro Recoba (1996 – 1997)

Almost certainly the best player you’ve never heard of, Recoba is universally considered to be one of the most naturally talented footballers of all time, but for one reason or another, never really made the most of his gift. He made his debut in his native Uruguay at just 17 and then in his first full season that followed, he netted a spectacular 27 times in just 30 games for the Nacional side. This earned him a move to Inter Milan he following year, where he stayed for a decade on and off, slowing fading into the background amidst passport fraud, falling out with the management and general laziness. He did do this in his debut for the Italian giants however, two of the greatest goals ever scored in Serie A:

Ronaldo (1996 – 1997)

And starting alongside Recoba at Inter in 1997 was this man. Following a spell at PSV Eindhoven where he netted 55 times in 57 official games, Ronaldo was snapped up by Barcelona. He played for Barca 49 times (including appearances in the Copa del Rey and European Cup Winners Cup), scoring 47 goals in total, leading the Catalan side to UEFA Cup Winners' Cup triumph. More than a decade on, Ronaldo is still the last man to score 30 goals in a La Liga season, and despite impressive times at both Milan clubs and Real Madrid, it was this one season at the Nou Camp that resonates as nothing but simply breath-taking. You can see every goal he scored for Barce here:

Andriy Shevchenko (1999 – 2000)

Shevchenko joined A.C. Milan from Dynamo Kiev in 1999 for a then-record transfer fee of $25 million. He became the first foreign player to win the Serie A scoring title in his debut season, finishing with an impressive 24 goals in 32 matches against the world’s most famously stringent defences. Several of Sheva’s seasons at Milan qualified for selection here, but this debut year is made all the more impressive due to the huge shift from the Ukranian league to the Italian. Here’s a compilation from his years at Milan; remind yourself of when he used to be really, really good:

Henrik Larsson (2000 – 2001)

In a total of seven years at Celtic, Larsson scored 242 goals in 315 matches. That’s pretty good figures. But in this season Larsson really pushed on, not just impressing against the traditionally-weak Scottish defences, but impressing throughout Europe. HHHe won the European Golden Boot award for being the whole continent's most prolific goal scorer with 35 league goals just for starters; his total in all competitions that season was a staggering 53. His goal-scoring feats on the continent for Celtic are such that he holds the record for number of goals scored for a club from the British Isles in European matches. He will go down in history alongside Martin O’Neill for helping Celtic to reverse a run of nine-straight Rangers Scottish League titles, check out some choice highlights for yourself here:

Zinidine Zidane (2001 – 2002)

In 2001, Zidane joined Real Madrid from Juventus for a world-record €76 million. He enjoyed a steady run of success on the individual and team fronts, beginning with a spectacular winning volley in the 2002 UEFA Champions League final. For about three years he was by far the most talented player in the world, running past anyone with ease and picking passes that simply weren’t on. The next season, Real Madrid won the European Super Cup, and Zidane was named FIFA World Player of the Year for the third time, joining Ronaldo as the only other three-time winner of the award. Obviously you don’t need me to tell you he is one of the greatest players that will ever play the game, but in case you needed reminding, watch this video and set your jaw to ‘drop:’

Ronaldinho (2005 – 2006)

In the season Barcelona won the Champions League, Ronaldinho was undoubtedly the lynch-pin, carrying the team to La Liga and European Cup success. It seems pointless to describe why he was so good because like ZZ before him, and like Cristiano Ronaldo now, he was the complete attacking package; sublime dribbling, footwork that defies physics and lethal shooting off both feet. Within a year Ronnie won FIFPro World Player of the Year (voted by fellow players), the Ballon d’Or and the FIFA World Player of the Year. Since this season its been a slow descend into mediocrity and unrest, but remember him here for what he once was:

And going back a little bit further in time…

Dixie Dean (1927 – 1928)

The only man in history to score 60 goals in a season; in his 399 appearances for Everton over a spell of 12 years, he is reported to have netted 349 times. Most remarkably, around 50% of these goals were scored with headers, and remember, these were the days when the ball weighed as much as pubescent child.

Stanley Matthews (1952 – 1953)

Winning the FA Cup in a match dubbed ‘the Matthews Final’ with Blackpool was the highlight, but accolades poured down upon the great man for about a decade. He won the inaugural Football Writers' Association Footballer of the Year award the year before, and the first-ever European Footballer of the Year (Balon d'Or) award two seasons later, but this was the year that Matthews marked his place in history.

Alfredo di Stefano (1956 – 1957)

From 1956 to 1960, Real Madrid won five consecutive European Cups, and the man that spear-headed this dominance was an Argentine gentlemen nick-named the Blond Arrow. Di Stefano is still the leading Real scorer of all time (216 goals in 282 league matches between 1953 and 1964), and the third highest scorer in La Liga history. In the season in question, Senor di Stefano won World Soccer Player of the Year, European Footballer of the Year, Spanish Athlete of the Year as well as La Liga’s top goal-scoring trophy, the Pichichi.

Pele (1961 – 1962)

It’s pretty difficult to nail down one season where Pele stood out because his whole career basically qualifies. We went for this season though just because his club Santos won four of the six major South American competitions (Campeonato Paulista, Taça Brasil, Copa Libertadores and Intercontinental Cup), as well as Brazil securing their second consecutive World Cup. In all competitions, including International friendlies, Pele netted 52 times in 60 games that season. No wonder he’s considered the greatest to ever kick a ball.

Eusebio (1965 – 1966)

Undoubtedly one of the greatest footballers of all time, Eusebio is legendary throughout the world. He was the 1965 European Footballer of the Year, finishing top scorer of the Portuguese League as he helped Benefica to yet another title, while his goals also dragged the club to the European Cup final. In the late-60s, Eusebio won basically everything there is to win with Benefica, as well as finishing with the World Cup’s Golden Boot in 1966. In total he scored 727 goals in 715 matches wearing Benfica's jersey, including 317 goals in 301 Portuguese league matches. That is absolutely incredible.

Johan Cruyff (1971 – 1972)

As previously mentioned, Cruyff was voted alongside Pele and Weah as Players of the Century. And with good reason. Not only did he (obviously) invent the Cruyff turn, but he also brought the concept of Total Football to the forefront, propelling his home club of Ajax to their second European Cup in history, beating Inter in the final with Cruyff scoring both goals. Cruyff also scored in the victory over FC Den Haag in the KNVB Cup final (the equivalent of the FA Cup) while also netting 25 league goals as Ajax won the championship and completed the treble.

Ian Rush (1983 – 1984)

Having picked up the PFA Young Player of the Year award the previous season, Rush shone as Liverpool continued their unparalleled dominance of the country and Europe in general. The Scousers retained both the League and the League Cup, while also picking up their fourth European Cup in history. On a personal level, Rush won the PFA Player of the Year, the Football Writers’ Player of the Year, and the European Golden Boot; not a bad return for his 32 goals in 41 league games, and 47 goals in 65 matches in total.

Michel Platini (1983 – 1984)

Ok so our current UEFA president could play a bit in his day. For three years he won the Ballon d’Or during his time at Juventus, but it was this first season in Italy where he really shone. In this one year he carried Juve to the Italian championship, the European Cup Winners' Cup and the European Super Cup, while he himself finished Serie A top scorer, and collected the European Footballer of the Year and World Soccer overall Player of the Year. In other words, he was amazing.

Diego Maradona (1985 – 1986)

Underlined by carrying his country to World Cup victory at the end of the playing year, for his club Napoli, Maradona was operating on another plain this season. He averaged a goal every other game and subsequently won the Argentine Sports Writers' Sportsman of the Year, World Player of the Year, and the World Cup’s Golden Ball. Napoli won the league and cup double, which kind of justified their then-record fee of £6.9million.

Marco van Basten (1991 – 1992)

Under some guy you might’ve heard of called Fabio Capello in the early 90s, AC Milan went 58 games undefeated, and van Basten netted 25 times for the Italian giants in this incredible season. Alongside similarly sensational countrymen Ruud Gullet and Frank Rijkaard in 1992, van Basten was named European Footballer of the Year for the third time, and also FIFA World Player of the Year. In many ways however this was his swan-song, as just a few games into the following season a recurrence of an old ankle injury kept him sidelined. He played the odd game here and there afterwards for Milan before finally admitting defeat in 1995.

Bonus

More (in no particular order) that didn’t quite make the cut…Just Fontaine, Terry Bly, Raymond Kopa, Arthur Rowley, Kevin Hector, Gerd Muller John Atyeo, Ferenc Puskas, Brian Laudrup, Raul Gonzalez, Hristo Stoichkov, Ruud Gullet, Jimmy Greaves, Roberto Baggio, Romario, Gabriel Batistuta, Alessandro del Piero

So, I think you’ll agree that’s pretty comprehensive. As I said earlier, if we’ve missed off your favourite player and/or most memorable individual season, then drop us a line, and if the response is big enough we might even put together a Part Three in the near future.

But we are still left with that burning question: was Cristiano Ronaldo’s performance last season the greatest of all time? Obviously there are so many external factors to take into consideration, and clearly football in the late 1920s was considerably different (in terms of attacking style, athleticism, pace etc) to how it is now, but the facts still remain. Personally, the one that resonates most with me is the other Ronaldo; if you haven’t already, I encourage you to watch both above videos of the great Brazilian during his time at the Nou Camp. For several years he was basically the perfect forward, with incomparable pace and power topped off with the ability to score with any part of his body. Add to that his trickery, movement and lethal knack of shooting early and you have the greatest individual season in history. Fact.

At the end of the day, the sheer fact that at just 23-years-old we are comparing Cristiano with literally the greatest players of all time could not pay more of a compliment to the Portuguese winger. But what also ties these other guys together is their consistency, so there’s no way we can talk about his place in history alongside the likes of Cruyff and Pele just yet. That comes with season after season of success, both at club and international level, as well as the desire to push themselves further by risking transfers to different leagues for different challenges. At this time, Cristiano has as much potential as anyone in history perhaps, but he must mature his style of play to do the simple things well when called upon, and also prepare to start contributing significantly more in the big games. A move to Spain or Italy would also be a serious gauge of his talent in the near future, as then we will truly see whether it’s top 50 of all time, or top 5…