Some Sort of Scouse Joke

Liverpudlians are renowned for a slightly strange sense of humour, probably because of the crap weather and proximity to Ireland. It turns out that Liverpool signed a rather bizarre player last month and he goes by the name Baa-nitez. Bearing a striking resemblence to Rafa, the 2 meter long fiberglass half-lamb half-banana wears a fetching little beard, glasses and Liverpool scarf. Being a non-sentient superlambanana, Baa-nitez won’t be expected to score any goals, but has been bought by Benitez to raise funds for a Liverpool charity and has become a mascot of sorts for the club.

The original superlambanana was designed by some Japanese crackpot back in 1998 for an exhibition and has stood outside the Liverpool Tate Gallery ever since. Liverpool is the current European Capital of Culture and to celebrate this event, around 125 smaller superlambananas have sprung up around Merseyside, much to everyone’s amusement. Apparently, it is some sort of joke about cloning or GM foods or something. I don’t get it, but I think they’re amazing.

You can get your very own superlambanana here. Please follow this link to prove to yourself that we’re not insane.

Mascot of the Week 19

Name – Robin Hood

Affiliation – Nottingham Forest

Colour – Caucasian skin pink

Animal – Homo Sapien

Missle Most Commonly Pelted With – Cheap Nerf bow-and-arrow sets

It probably didn’t escape most people’s attention that last season the once-mighty Nottingham Forest earned promotion up into the Championship, and took the first step back towards the greatness that they were associated with for so many years. However, while a lot of folk around the country praised the players and the management there was a behind the scenes change that I think those in the know will acknowledge as playing a far greater part in the drama than pure coincidence.

You see, after many loyal years service, Forest’s old mascot Sherwood the Bear was retired last June, to make way for the considerably more ‘direct’ figure of Robin Hood. You may have heard of Hood’s history while at school, his stories are pretty legendary. In many ways he was the world’s first hooligan, and together with his firm of 7 “merry men,” roughed up a lot of rich folk’s manors with concrete-filled newspapers (oh, he invented concrete too by the way) and re-distributed their wealth to his crew. Even though he wears tights and skirt, the apparently-immortal Robin Hood’s look is definitely more from the Batman school of tight-wearing than the ballet one.

So sure, while Sherwood was running tings kids had a huge smile permanently plastered on their faces, and he used to comically take penalties at half time, but football fans ask yourself this: would you rather have a furry and loveable loser as your talisman, or a tattooed hard-nut who fires iron spikes through opposition supporters’ faces? Exactly.

In The Cat Corner

When STT was first started almost a year ago, there were two things that I promised myself I would never resort too; up-the-arse corner, and shit look-a-likes. However, while the below picture comes dangerously close to the former, I like to think I’ve just about side-stepped the bane of most half-baked football magazines and supposedly humourous blogs. You see, The Spoiler have taken the up-the-arse corner mentality and run with it to create a fantastical niche known only as ‘Sporno’. Some of the stuff is highly amusing, and much subtler than up-the-arse action shots.

Also, since the picture in question here features a mascot we can just about write it off as part of our WAG/mascot mantra. You can see Mexican outfit CF Pachuca’s excellent cat mascot showing his appreciation for Columbian keeper Miguel Calero’s on-pitch heroics by mounting him. Unfortunately for keepers throughout England, mascot antics tend to be limited to underwhelming t-shirt guns and fighting, but more would you expect from the only country in the world where ‘bottle’ is a verb?

Pablo Honey

Well there’s not really a story here other than a brief line of transfer news that I’m sure everyone has heard by now: having been courted previously by Portsmouth and Newcastle, Argentine ace Pable Aimar has now actually signed for Portuguese outfit Benfica. More importantly though, just look at this photo! For some reason at his unveiling they had him hold a bald eagle that is literally as big as him! And he loves it, that huge smile makes him look like a cartoon character!

Also, he used to be a ridiculously good player, peep below for the proof. Unfortunately for Benefica fans, he stopped trying about three years ago though:

Thanks to Anna over at thisisextratime for the great find!

Mascot of the Week Special – The Milwaukee Brewers’ Racing Sausages

Every so often a story falls onto the STT editorial desk that just blows everything else out of the water. Something so strange and hypnotically captivating, that it simply demands attention, football-related or not. Something that is just so conceptually brilliant that it takes very little work our end, simply because it cannot get any more ridiculous than it already is. As you can probably guess from the above picture, this is one of those milestones.

I can only assume that people in the state of Milwaukee are subject to high quantities of hallucinogens in their water, or are just literally insane. How else can you possibly explain that their baseball team, the Brewers, have five enormous sausages as mascots, and they all have their own personalities and frequently race each other around the stadium. Legend has it that the Racing Sausages (to give them their ‘official’ title) started to take shape in the early 90s, having made their debut in a low-budget cartoon running a virtual race every home game on the giant scoreboard in centerfield. Understandably they developed a cult following among drug users and the mentally cretinous, and it wasn’t long before they made the leap into the real world. Bratwurst (#1), Polish Sausage (#2) and the Italian Sausage (#3) made their debut at County Stadium on selected Sundays throughout the season, first appearing in the flesh as a surprise just when the sausage racing video was due to start one game.

What started as a fun way to entertain kids during the unbelievably dull ‘sport’ quickly became a hit…well, a phenomenon to be more precise. The three original Sausages added a fourth when Hot Dog (#4) joined the motley crew in the mid-90s, and in 2007, Chorizo (#5) officially joined the Racing Sausages after a teasing guest appearance in 2006. During the 2000 season, the final year of play at County Stadium, the virtual race was finally scrapped and the actual Sausages began to race one another every game for kudos and first pick of the groupies. This tradition continued as the Brewers moved to Miller Park in 2001, and running with the Sausages took on a life of its own; locals began to aspire more to dive into one of the costumes to race than to actually play for the Brewers themselves.

We thought it was only right then to give you all a quick profile of the sausages themselves, in the hope that you might develop a favourite and maybe even get involved in a betting syndicate for the next big race…

#1 Bratwurst

The Sausages’ official fansite suggests that the Bratwurst has a history with the German Olympic team, weight-lifting every day to achieve an intimidating physique. His blinkered win-at-all-costs attitude would certainly reflect this, and he is not above spiking the water bottles of his competitors to gain an extra little advantage.

Bratwurst’s racing style is aggressive, with a fast start key, but unfortunately he tends to tail off towards the end of races with his small little legs struggling to propel his gym-bulked upper body.

#2 Polish Sausage

Polish Sausage comes from a history of construction work back in his native land, but immigration forced him to change up his trade, and before joining the Sausages he was children’s swim-coach by day, and a scout-leader by night. He is sympathetic and sensitive, with (what some might call) an unhealthy knowledge of Pokemon and computer games.

He is slow out of the blocks, however when the time comes to make his move, Polish Sausage always gets what he wants, Megan’s Law or not.

#3 Italian Sausage

Perhaps predictably Italian Sausage used to be a pizza chef, but let’s face it, if you’re born with a face like his, what else can you ever become? His speciality was a world-beating calzone, which used to contain precisely 100 separate ingredients, but he left it all behind after being head-hunted by the Brewers scouts.

Italian Sausage’s main strength is staying under the radar during races, happy to stick with the pack so as not to attract attention, and then darting out into the lead on the home stretch.

#4 Hot Dog

This all-American hero is an ex-Navy Seal who has now developed a reputation for being a bit of a joker in the locker room. He has a big heart and has quickly become a crowd favourite because of his tireless drive and 110% commitment.

Hot Dog’s racing style is erratic to say the least however, often yo-yoing between first and last place with no middle ground. Media conjecture points towards the use of artificial enhancement in the form of French’s Mustard, but nothing has been proven as of yet.

#5 Chorizo

A Central American powerhouse, Chorizo has plenty of running experience having cut his teeth in the ultra-competitive Honduran cerveza circuit. He is a fiery and passionate character, with often violent mood-swings should people get up in his grill. His hobbies include salsa dancing and wearing a sombrero.

Still a rookie, Chorizo is excitable off the blocks but unfortunately hasn’t quite developed the endurance required to follow-through to the finish-line in first place. His time will come though; a prodigious talent for the future.

The success of the Sausages has ballooned out of all proportion, with merchandise including action figures and branded condoms exploding out of Miller Park these days. Fans of all ages clamor for autographs and pictures, while some terminally ill patients even journey for hundreds of miles just for a high five with their favourite Sausage.

There are those around the States however who don’t share this love of the Sausages; beings so dead inside that they openly detest the fab fivesome, and a bitter war of words has been sparked. I am of course talking about a rival gang, known only as the Pittsburgh Pierogies. Now even with the help of Wikipedia, I’m still not totally sure what a pierogy/pierogie/whatever is, but it seems to be some kind of Ginsters slice. Anyway, these Pittsburgh pretenders-to-the-crown started talking a lot of shit about the Sausages, slinging mud about their personal lives and also their racing ability, so obviously there was only one way to settle it: a showdown on the race track. Following an intense build-up, which included a fight at the initial weigh-in and suggestion that Italian Sausage slept with one of the Pierogies’ wives, the pistol finally sounded and America stopped for about a minute. Of course the Sausages won, and the vicious Pierogies were silenced once and for all. Chalk another one up to the good guys.

Mascot of the Week 18

Name – Moonchester

Affiliation – Manchester City

Colour – Sky Blue

Animal – Extra-terrestrial Biological Entity

Missile Most Commonly Pelted with – Ikea catalogues

Ok try to keep up: Moonchester is originally from the moon right, but crashed in Manchester during an ill-fated sight-seeing trip with his better half, and thus the clever name ‘Moonchester’ was born. Originally he wanted ‘Madchester,’ but unfortunately by the mid-90s the ship had sailed on that one, so the plucky alien (real name Agamemnon) accepted the weak pun and went about setting up house in the tough Moss Side area with interstellar WAG Moonbeam.

The pair unsurprisingly attracted some attention in the crime capital of North England, but armed with their trusty ray guns, more than held their own amongst the drug dealers and the gyro-scum. It wasn’t long before Moonchester was even making a play for power himself, eliminating the local competition as he established a galactic vice ring, flying in the universe’s top totty from as far afield as Mercury to fulfil the collective Mancunian lust for tentacle porn. Similarly exploiting a connection from an old school friend, he was able to get access to the best crack cocaine stores this side of the Milky Way, trafficking it by the tonne into our atmosphere from Europa and Io undetected.

It was in 1995 that Moonchester met a kindred spirit in a man known mysteriously only as ‘the Red Devil,’ and together they set out to take control of the whole city. Moonbeam could “feel it in her waters” that something wasn’t right about the red saucer-faced foot soldier, but his story checked out from Long Beach Larry, so within a year he was promoted to the rank of Lieutenant within the Moonchester cartel. On the eve of another major shipment to cover the busy Christmas period, the Red Devil went missing, but despite protests from Moonbeam that it was a sting, Moonchester continued with the plan. He walked right into a trap, orchestrated by undercover MI6 agent Red, a man he had trusted with his life, but thankfully the Moons were astute enough to teleport out of the shipping warehouse just in time to avoid arrest. Altogether, police and government authorities pressed charges on 36 affiliates of Moonchester, but to this day still have open warrants for the two Kingpins.

Subscribers to the hide-in-plain-sight school of criminal relocation, Moonchester and Moonbeam were able to secure jobs working as novelty acts at Manchester City after seeing that the Red Devil had been re-assigned undercover at the city’s other football club, Manchester United. There they are biding their time for revenge like scorpians hiding in trouser pockets, safe in the knowledge that no-one apart from Red ever saw their faces, and having stung him with the old memory eraser from Men In Black at the first Manchester derby, they will remain anonymous until the time is right…

In the meantime, they are also available for kids’ parties, community functions and weddings.

FA Cup Mascot-Off!

To celebrate the somewhat unexpected final-4 in this year’s cup, we have decided to give each club a little bit of time in the spotlight by offering a mascot scrapbook of sorts to help you decide exactly where your allegiances lie:

Name – Frogmore

Affiliation – Portsmouth

Animal – Frog

Colour – Turquoise

Level of Ridiculousness – 9

Most common missile pelted with – Naval memorabilia

Frogmore is named after the road that leads up to Pompey's mock-Tudor fronted ground and has seemingly replaced the more macho Pompey sailor as chief mascot on the South Coast. Everything about Frogmore himself is just perfect; retina-damagingly bright, incongruous in every way, and a gaping mouth and dilated pupils combo that would be enough of a warning sign even for Pete Doherty. Frogmore describes his life as being “like a cartoon” and it’s easy to see why when he spends his days hanging out with huge flowers and grown men dressed as pirates.

Name – Baggie Bird

Affiliation – West Bromwich Albion

Animal – Bird (a Thrush to be more precise apparently)

Colour – Brown with speckles

Level of Ridiculousness – 6

Most common missile pelted with – Premier League merchendise

For those of you not in the know, West Brom are called ‘the Baggies’ not because they all buy ill-fitting cheap clothes, but because back in the day (the 1890s) their traditional followers were iron-workers renowned for wearing baggy moleskin trousers. Blessed with a very cheery face and an impressive wing-span, Baggie Bird is pretty sweet, but considering the Baggies actually have an absolute stunner of a famous supporter in FHM High Street Honey winner Kayleigh Pearson, STT suggests they ditch the feathers and just get her to wear a selection of (supporter-voted) fetish outfits every week instead. The kids’ll grow to love the change, trust me.

Name – Toby Tyke

Affiliation – Barnsley

Animal – Dog

Colour – Brown

Level of Ridiculousness – 7 (the sunglasses are a helpful accessory)

Most common missile pelted with – Heavy brass instruments

Suffering from the dog equivalent of giganticism from a young age, Toby was lucky to find a job with a great sense of caring community spirit. Always a hit at kids’ parties and the like, Toby is a cheeky chappy who loves nothing more than romping with his schoolchums in the fens and spinneys of Yorkshire, bathing in the lit hedgerows. He also presents awards and stuff:

As with all good dogs though, he hates intruders, who in this case are almost always away supporters at Oakwell. On top of always scoring in front of them just before kick-off as a fearsome intimidation tactic, he has also been known to cock one leg up in the air and pretend to relieve himself on them should they get a bit too vocal.

Name – Bartley

Affiliation – Cardiff

Animal – Bluebird

Colour – Blue

Level of Ridiculousness – 5

Most common missile pelted with – Sheep (inflatable or otherwise)

Feared in both mascot and cage-fighting circles, Bartley was a old-school bruiser who didn’t give a shit about anything. Named after Bartley Wilson, the founder of Riverside FC which went on to become Cardiff City, this rough and tough bird was an enforcer and talisman for all Bluebirds fans. Famous for a violent confrontation with previous Mascot star Robbie the Bobby, the Bury mascot, Bartley was blacklisted for many years as complex programs of rehabilitation were carried out. Now he’s a different bird though, no longer into mooning people for sport and wrestling with other animals. His primary focus is on educating children as to the dangers of knife and gun crime these days, with public appearances at prominent Welsh schools lined up throughout the year.

As ever with STT, level of ridiculousness is the deciding factor, so without doubt our full support is behind Pompey and their frankly acid-conceived Frogmore the Frog. The club earn extra kudos as well for their supporters’ willingness to dress up as pirates, even to queue for Wembley tickets overnight in freezing temperatures!

Mascot of the Week 17

Name(s) – Mooie and Donny

Affiliation – Milton Keynes Dons

Animal – Cows

Colour –White and Black

Level of Ridiculousness – 5

Most common missile pelted with – 1988 FA Cup memorabilia

The performance surrounding Wimbledon’s demise and MK Dons’ subsequent birth is unparalleled in English football, and was rightly compared to the franchise mentality of American sports teams. To soften the blow for ex-Wimbledon fans who stuck with the club, and to attract new local followers, the powers-that-be decided that they needed to pull out all the stops in showing that the move to Milton Keynes was not purely a selfish money-saving one.

Given the appropriate nickname of ‘Franchise FC,’ Milton Keynes seemed to fit the American mentality, designed as it was in the style of so many US cities with 1 km grid squares making up blocks and districts, but the icing on the cake was two brothers-from-different-mothers, Mooie and Donny, who joined the club from struggling college basketball team, the Minnesota Moos. The two streetwise cows became friends against all the odds in a tough inner-city high school, where they were surrounded by all the typical teen issues, such as cheating on tests, peer pressure and dealing with school violence. They got into all sorts of adventures, it was great: Mooie dated an older girl who tried to take advantage of him with rohypnol; Donny became a black militant for a short time after a visit from his ex-Black Panther uncle; a friend of their’s was killed by a drunk driver; Mooie started working a company that made toys, but when he was asked to advertise toy guns, he had a change of heart after seeing his younger brother and sister pretending to shoot each other. All good wholesome fun! If all this starting to sound a bit familiar by the way, that’s because the pair were actually the inspiration for little-seen Saved by the Bell rip-off City Guys.

Anyway, they arrived in the UK after a smoking controversy had them kicked out of Minnesota, and Milton Keynes was obviously their first port of call, armed only with mascot expertise and a shared copy of Swank magazine. Like an unseasonal downpour that soothes the pain of drought, the MK Dons’ board could see the hand of god at work as Mooie and Donny stumbled upon the football club looking for work. Representing a yin-and-yang of ethnicity and entertainment specialities (Mooie is very much a pure physical comedian and dancer, whereas Donny has magic and dirty limericks in his locker), the pair have sky-rocketed the MK Dons back towards the success of the early 1990s. With Mooie and Donny on board, the Dons now regularly get crowds of over 6000 again, after several years where the fanbase had completely deserted to the extent where the majority of the 1500 attendances they got were away fans. In short, Mooie and Donny do everything; they’ll make you laugh with a balloon animal, and then make you think with a cautionary urban tale of drug-fuelled suicide.

Mascot of the Week 16

Name – The Deepdale Duck

Affiliation – Preston North End

Animal – Duck

Colour – Yellow and Black

Level of Ridiculousness – 7

Most common missile pelted with – Socialist propaganda (Karl Marx once called Preston “the next St Petersberg” don’t you know…)

The Deepdale Duck is a complicated creature, blessed with a selfless streak of altruism but also cursed with a venomous temper. Growing up alone in the mean streets of Preston, after his parents were both tragically hit by a rowing boat and killed, the Deepdale Duck had to fight to survive. He flew from pond to pond, and like a mercenary, devoured any bread or nuts he could get his beak on, even if it meant fighting swans or pheasants. Living wing to beak only got him so far, and before long he sought solace only in hedonism, wasting away in a patch of reeds behind the Preston railway station. Legend has it that 10 years ago, Preston manager David Moyes stumbled upon the Deepdale Duck free-basing cookie dough, and took it upon himself to get the large drake back on his feet.

After a rigorous weeklong course in anger-management, the fighting and dough-abuse was behind him, instead throwing himself into positive actions such as road safety campaigns and community collectives. Often he was to be found at local schools bright and early to help teachers with assemblies or hymn practice, while other times he was coaching young kids in the art of football wing-play. While staying close to his sponsor Moyes through this difficult period, it wasn’t long before Preston North End had a fantastic opportunity to offer the Duck.

The club presented him with a tailor-made shirt and a special pair of enormous boots, completing the rebirth of this once-tragic bird who was struggling to survive less than a year previously by giving wingjobs outside kebab houses just to afford a couple of pitas. Excuse the pun, but he took to the task of club mascot like a duck to water, quickly developing a signature move of stretching his wings with the substitutes and copying their every move, with hilarious consequences. The fans loved him and so did the players, but understandably the opposition consistently fought for a touchline ban against the talismanic Duck.

Feathers flew not long into his career when a fracas occurred between the Deepdale Duck and Blackburn Rovers keeper Tim Flowers. Preston had lost 6 – 0 away in the first leg so the tie was essentially beyond them, but this did not put the Duck off. As soon as the game kicked off, the Duck wandered towards Flowers’ goal, leaned on a post and started a campaign of intimidation unlike any seen before or since. North End subsequently went onto score, and a teary-eyed Flowers protested to the linesman that the Deepdale Duck simply had to be removed from the pitch. Sources suggest that had the Duck been allowed to stay near Tim Flowers and kept cussing him for 90 minutes, Preston undoubtedly would’ve won the tie 7 – 6 overall on aggregate. Speaking exclusively to STT today, he had these enigmatic words: “My wings have been clipped a couple of times and since then I have adjusted my behaviour and don't go anywhere near the goals or on the sideline. I am a reformed character."

Since word has spread on the Duck’s fierce beak and vital contributions to Preston over the years, several grounds have actually gone so far as to ban him altogether. Publicity officer John Booth responded to us with these words: “He's more of an icon really and has his own merchandise; he's part of the set-up here.” In our mind these clubs are truly quackers for preventing the appearance of such a legend on their hallowed turf.

Escape from the Real League

With another weekend of FA Cup action upon us, STT is taking another well deserved break from the weekly grind of Premier League fixtures. This seems like as good an opportunity as any therefore to take a look at the Championship race for promotion as it enters it’s final quarter of the season. With no single team running away with it this year, 2007-08 has been one of the most exciting in recent memory, with the two teams occupying the automatic promotion places having changed no fewer than 16 times already since day one back in August. While it’d be naïve to rule out anyone’s chances even at this advanced stage, Watford, Bristol City, Stoke and West Brom do seem to have pulled away a touch from the rest of the pack, leaving a four-horse race for that vital top 2 finish. Current leaders Watford however are only four points ahead of fourth placed West Brom, so with 14 games still left to play, anything can happen.

STT for one would like to wish those teams without any experience in the top flight since the shift in 1992 to the “Premier League,” all the best! These days it seems like the Championship is just littered with those who’ve already had their shot, and a cursory glance at the table reveals that more than half of the 24 sides populating the league this year have in fact graced the Prem in the last 15 seasons. It’s time someone else had a chance, so big up also to the likes of Burnley, Plymouth and Hull, let’s see some fresh faces next year eh…

Watford (1^st, 58 points)

Last time in the Top Flight – 2007

Form (last 5 games) – LDWWW

Entertainment factor – 7

Relegation Prospects If Promoted – Pretty likely

Mascot(s) – Harry the Hornet and Harriet the Hornet

Despite selling star striker Marlon King during the January transfer window, Watford are still riding high at the top of the tree. They started the season very brightly and their intent to bounce straight back up into the Premier League was clear. Poor results during November and December saw their lead significantly reduced however, and the chasing pack led by West Brom eventually caught them up, with the Baggies eventually knocking them off the top spot in early January. The goals don’t seem to be flowing as freely as before, but a solid defence and decent away record could see them over the finishing line. As with previous forays into the top flight though, you just wonder about the amount of additional talent they will have to attract if they want to survive past next season.

Star players: Danny Shittu, Jay DeMerit, Nathan Ellington, Darius Henderson

Bristol City (2^nd, 57 points)

Last time in the Top Flight – 1980

Form (last 5 games) – LWLWW

Entertainment factor – 6

Relegation Prospects If Promoted – Certain

Mascot – Scrumpy the Robin

An amazing effort from last season’s League One runners-up, I don’t think anyone expected them to be able to sustain their fine early form throughout the year. Now over the traditional Christmas road-bump, Bristol City are still hanging in there, but you have to wonder still if the squad is strong enough and experienced enough to last another couple of bruising months. The Robins have perhaps the hardest run-in of any of the promotion contenders, and with goals often hard to come by, it is going to take a truly Herculain effort to maintain this position in May when all the dust has settled. With their last appearance in what was then Division One almost 30 years ago though, surely they have to be the neutrals favourite.

Star players: Scott Murray, Michael McIndoe, Darren Byfield, Marvin Elliot

Stoke City (3^rd, 56 points)

Last time in the Top Flight – 1984

Form (last 5 games) – WLWWW

Entertainment factor – 8

Relegation Prospects If Promoted – Almost certain

Mascot – Pottermus and Ms. Pottermus

Without doubt the in-form side in the division, scoring goals for fun through a variety of players and with an excellent defensive record that both the young centre-backs and ex-England Under-21s keeper must take a lot of pride in. Often criticized for being too ‘big’ and lumberingly one-dimensional, the Potters have this year answered a lot of nay-sayers by adding attacking flow and intricate passing on top of their heavy set-piece advantages. In Fuller they have a true match-winner, and backed with ex-Premier League talent such as Lawrence, Richard Creswell and Salif Diao, there have the makings of a team very much on the up. While pointed at for representing the ‘dark’ side of the Championship, Stoke’s size and competitiveness might just be enough to keep them afloat next year should they achieve promotion. Due to once again the long absence from the top flight, as well as their admirable FA Cup effort against Newcastle recently, Stoke are another outfit that many neutrals are currently rooting for.

Star players: Ricardo Fuller, Liam Lawrence, Steve Simonson, Ryan Shawcross

West Bromich Albion (4^th, 55 points)

Last time in the Top Flight – 2006

Form (last 5 games) – WLWLD

Entertainment factor – 9

Relegation Prospects If Promoted – About 50/50

Mascot – Baggie Bird

The defining yo-yo team; almost always good enough to get promoted from the Championship but rarely good enough to produce anything but last-day survival in the Premier League at best. Essentially this exact same squad of players has been up and down more times than Tigger on crystal meth, and to be honest I think many are tiring of the same old routine. On paper they almost certainly have the strongest squad, built as previously mentioned on proven top flight talent, however after so many bites at the cherry that allusive key to advancing in the Prem is still out of their grasp. Parachute payments may have gone some way to keeping the likes of Gera and Kevin Phillips year after year, but by now perhaps the team lacks the potential for first-season-in-the-big-time freshness shown to great effect by the likes of Reading and Ipswich in recent memory. The common perception is that ‘West Brazil Albion’ are the only real footballing side in the league, while the rest just hoof the ball to a big guy up front, but that supposed guile obviously isn’t enough to survive with the big boys. Failure to get promoted this year would be somewhat disastrous, but going back to the drawing board might be the best option for the Baggies in the long-term.

Star players: Zoltan Gera, Carl Hoefkens, Robert Koren, Roman Bednar

Mascot of the Week 15

Names – Billy the Badger

Affiliations – Fulham

Animals – Badger

Colours – Black and White (that means ethnic diversity kids!)

Most common missile pelted with – Harrods Christmas ’08 hampers

It seems that our Billy has been making quite a push for fame recently; consulting with new boss Roy Hodgson on tactical decisions, running complex half-time routines both home and away, and even hogging Match of the Day screentime with his antics whenever possible.

Having recently signed with the famous Neon Management, home to such talented luminaries as Dean Gaffney and various Big Brother slags, Billy was encouraged to raise his profile somewhat in ’08, so things started on New Years Day, with Fulham playing host to local rivals Cheslea. With the Cottagers remarkably going in 1 – 0 up at halftime, Billy saw his opportunity, and sprinted across to grumpy Blues boss Avram Grant to give him a hug. “At the Chelsea game,” Billy told STT today over peach schnaps and a bong, “I just wanted to cheer Avram up as he looked miserable after the first half, although my boss wasn't sure it did the trick!” Chelsea eventually ran home 2 – 1 winners, but the name on everyone’s lips was Billy the Badger.

Then just last weekend, after several weeks of public appearances and an on/off fling with struggling pop star Leona Lewis, Billy was at it again, this time delaying the start of the second half at Craven Cottage with an elaborate break-dancing routine. Referee Chris Foy was obviously amused, but not impressed that Billy was taking so much shine away from the frankly underwhelming match, and so subsequently had him escorted off the pitch back to the technical area. Speaking yesterday to www.fulhamfc.com, Billy offered this: “I apologise to Mr Foy. I'm remorseful of my impromptu antics at the Villa game but badgers are hard of hearing and short of sight. Had I known that he was about to blow his whistle, I wouldn't have begun the break-dance routine.” STT has rarely seen such blatant press-hungry antics in all it’s time mascot hunting, but you have to give credit to Dave Read and his Neon team for their sage advice; bear in mind he’s the one to thank for inflicting the Calum Best epidemic on the televised world so you know Billy will get the very best representation.

Thankfully the FA smiled kindly on Billy at a secret hearing held this morning, and a touchline ban is not forthcoming. “But if Fulham do win the Middlesbrough match (this weekend), I cannot be held responsible for any over-excited break-dancing celebrations that may occur,” he said cagily...

To see what all the hype is about, skip about bout 25 seconds into this ‘BadgerWatch’ video for the REALNESS: