It’s Tough Being Really, Really Good Looking

For all you lovers of all things lady-shaped, Hollywood beauty Eva Mendes has recently been frolicking around in underwear for Calvin Klein quite a lot. On top of a sweet poster campaign, she has also appeared in a TV commercial stateside that was deemed too hot for common consumption, and subsequently banned by the powers-that-be. As signs go, that’s normally a pretty good one.

Anyway, it seems that she is the latest to join a long line of insanely attractive women who have unveiled a soft spot for David Beckham. Speaking thrillingly to office-favourite Cosmopolitan, the presumably-now-retired-as-an-actress lingerie model said: “Attractiveness is primal – it’s something you can’t put your finger on,’ she tells Cosmopolitan. I’ve met guys who are great looking, but there was no spark, and I’ve met guys who’ve been overweight and balding, but when you talk to them you’re like “wow,” I’m really attracted to this person. Smell is important too. Would David Beckham be as beautiful if he smelt like old socks and bad cheese? Actually, bad example – he probably would.” Eva and David sitting in a tree…K-I-S-S-I-N-G…

On top of the usual tirade of pointless slags like Rebecca Loos and that Chantelle idiot, several upstanding ladies have also expressed an interest in D. Beck, further begging the question of why he insists on punishing himself with that vacuous orange surfboard, the artist-formally-known-as-Posh Spice.

A couple of years ago now both Dannii and Kylie Monogue revealed that they had a crush on the LA Galaxy man, with the sluttier of the sisters telling cracking magazine B that her dream night would involve being spitroasted by Becks and Brad Pitt. Nice.

Real actress Salma Hayek also quite likes a bit of the Beckmeister, outbidding professional man-hater (and editor of Vogue) Anna Wintour to bag a private coaching session with David Beckham for $350,000 at the Madonna and Gucci Malawi Benefit in February 2008.

Finally, who could forget this time last year how excited a pre-lesbian-phase Lindsay Lohan got by the Beckman’s arrival in America, betting socialite pals $50,000 she could lure the married lothario into her cocaine-soaked den of iniquity by Christmas. She failed, and subsequently turned to girls out of desperation. Why Lindsay, why?

Becks Idol

It’s all going rather swimmingly for David Beckham across the pond; he’s hanging out with such cool cats as Justin Timberlake, learning to speak English with Elmo, and occasionally getting to play football against guys who can barely stand up. However, this weekend he’s nabbed two very prestigious awards which prove just how popular D. Beck is with the common American male. No, not in a Gay Times ‘Stud of the Year’ way either; in the space of 24 hours Becks was voted the numero uno Stateside sports idol by the hugely vacuous Teen Choice Awards, and also a US style icon by definitely-heterosexual magazine Men’s Health.

Nearly two out of three kids chose the LA Galaxy star as Best Athlete of 2008, beating out such national heroes as part-time rapist Kobe Bryant, super-human golfer Tiger Woods, and even foetus-headed Super Bowl sensation Eli Manning, who led the New York Giants to victory this year in the pinnacle of the US sporting calendar. More than 20 million viewers are expected to watch him receive the accolade from a disturbingly young lady called Miley Cyrus on prime-time TV tonight. Having made it his mission to win over kids and boost soccer’s popularity when he arrived in the US in July last year, Becks seems to be really earning his reported salary of £3.3million a year. The average Galaxy attendance at The Home Depot Centre is now more than 28,000 – a figure higher than Reading, Portsmouth, Fulham, Blackburn, Wigan and Bolton last season. Furthermore, MLS shirt sales rocketed 780% last year, and clubs are seeing a considerable leap in season ticket sales.

Anyway, D. Beck is featured on both the front and back cover of Men’s Health, the top-selling men’s magazine in the States. Dressed very sharply in a suit beside a boxing ring, Becks’ 1920s-inspired autumn style guide shoot is snapped by top music photographer Antony Mandler. I have no idea who that is but apparently it’s a good thing.

Busy Eyes

Here’s an interesting story for you, well actually it’s more like two interesting stories that we have condensed into one. You see, today The Sun hit an all-time low. Now I know how outrageous a statement that sounds for the masters of the banal, but still: in a newspaper of an average of about 60 pages, can anyone really justify two articles about David Beckham looking at women other than his wife for the split-second it takes to photograph him? Now I’d be willing to bet that if you followed him around all day constantly taking photos, even The Pope’s eyes would once or twice fall on a big set of breasts, or the underwear of a woman bending over, so what exactly is the point of this?

The funny thing is that they’ve clearly been sitting on the shot at the basketball game for some time, waiting for any collaborating evidence to run it. I guess the thinking is that someone might just scan over that first picture, and then when a couple of pages later they see something similar, will come to the conclusion that he’s a cheating scumbag. Without being able to place the connection of the two stories, despite being about five pages apart in reality, the thought will be: ‘God that Beckham, he’s always out scoping the birds ain’t he!’ Such is the magic of the goldfish memory often employed by the readers of this fine newspaper.

We all know that news is a little thin on the ground at the moment, and that there’s only so many times anyone can cover the various Ronaldo/Lampard/Hleb etc transfer sagas without a little part of their souls dying, but seriously guys, try harder.

You Bunch of Muppets

Lock, Stock and all those other shite cockney gangster movies have a lot to answer for; not least the introduction of the word ‘muppet’ into every East End wideboy’s common vernacular. STT personally prefers the word ‘mug’ for pseudo-Del Boy posturing, but that’s beside the point because today it reached press attention that David Beckham has actually officially made the Hollywood big-time by hanging with the muppets. You know, the actual muppets: Kermit, the Cookie Monster and posse.

D. Beck’s quest for street respect has seen him talk slippers with Snoop Dogg and even talk to some actual latinos in LA, so it seems fitting that the Holy Trinity is completed with a guest appearance in the original hood, Sesame Street. The ex-England captain filmed an illustrious cameo alongside host Elmo, to introduce a new word to the fluffy red lothario and the millions of youngsters who watch at home. Renowned intellectual Beckham resisted the temptation to go for something humorous like ‘clitoris,’ and instead chose ‘persistence’ as his word of choice. Apparently the irony of Beckham teaching children vocabulary was lost on Americans.

An unknown source (suspected to be Count von Count) told us today: “David has always been a huge fan of the show. When he was a kid he watched it, like a lot of people, and knew all the characters. He was more than happy to go on. He loves dealing with kids and thought it would be a great way to get through to them. He has developed a great understanding speaking to children with his own boys and through his coaching at the Beckham soccer schools.” Beckham even chimed in with this lucid comment: “I had a great time filming it, a real laugh.”

Beckham now joins a long list of Hollywood luminaries who have appeared on the show, which has now broadcast more than 4000 episodes in close to 40 years on the air. The likes of Michael Stipe, Jamie Foxx and even Robert de Niro have all kicked it with Bert and Ernie in the past, so this was undoubtedly a shrewd move by D. Beck to raise his profile and show what a lovely chap he is. The show will be broadcast in a couple of weeks time Stateside but alas we won’t be getting the feed over here, as we have our own shit English version of the show, but you can rest assured that when shown, we will have a youtube link for you as soon as humanly possible. On an unrelated note, here is a random picture of Posh indulging Beckham’s muppet fetish by dressing up as Elmo. Apparently their collective excuse was ‘fashion.’

Beckham Credits England Recall to Scientology

You felt it had to happen sooner or later but today David Beckham has officially announced his conversion to Scientology, even dedicating his landmark 100^th England cap last week to Xenu, the ancient alien ruler of the Galactic Confederacy to whom many of the religion’s facets are traced back to. Reportedly the million year old space-deity (think Bowser from the Super Mario games) visited Beckham in a dream and said that if he followed his prophet, he would get all his heart desired.

Supposedly Becks came properly into contact with the religion after getting stuck in a lift for 8 hours with new convert Pete Doherty, and the pair are now keen to become major figureheads for the religion in this country. Since the early days of the Spice Girls, Posh has famously been a practicing Satanist and so all just assumed that husband David had followed in her footsteps and pledged his soul to the dark master for a shot at fame too. This latest revelation however casts doubt on the whole relationship, as Scientologists are not exactly renowned for playing well with others. “Satanism isn’t even a real religion,” founder L. Ron Hubbard exclaimed in an early manifesto, “in fact it’s borderline science-fiction, dreamt up by some nutjob fifty years ago when his trashy novels failed to find a decent market, even in the intellectually devoid United States!”

Quite how Beckham intends to pursue this new-found fascination is yet to be seen, although since he has apparently already read and digested the 3,000 recorded lectures that make up the religious canon, it goes without says that he’s in it for the long haul now. Oldest son Brooklyn is reportedly “dead proud” of his father, and even helped him understand some of the more complex parts of the works. Building on the core belief that “man is a spiritual being whose existence spans more than one life and who is endowed with abilities well beyond those which he normally considers he possesses,” David has also claimed that he is the reincarnated spirit of Lisa ‘Left-Eye’ Lopes, who bizarrely died less than ten years ago.

What is clear is this: Tom Cruise is out of control and must be stopped. STT is happy to sit on it’s hands while the pint-sized wierdo ruins all the great American actors from the 80s, but draws the line at the Beckhams. Sure they’re not too bright but they’re ours! A scheme is in it’s early stages of inception at the moment, but to avoid Cruise discovering the plot, details must be kept to a minimum. Suffice to say though it involves a tranquiliser gun, an novelty butterfly net, and a huge one of those traps used in Ghostbusters.

“I talked with him (Tom Cruise) for about an hour last night and an hour the night before,” Beckham said at a news conference held when his deal with the Los Angeles Galaxy was announced last year. “I asked him for his advice again last week. He said that if I stared at the swirling pattern hard enough and listened the strange chanting tape I would wake up a different man,” he continued. “It certainly worked because the next morning I woke up face down on his sofa having signed over my entire family’s image rights.” This only fuels speculation that Posh Spice is planning to make her Hollywood debut in a classy movie lined up on Cruise production slate, The Thetan. Taking it’s title from corner-stone belief of Scientology, the film will supposedly show Posh channeling many people’s spirits into her own in order to reach The Bridge to Freedom. Controversy has understandably surrounded this project since day one, but in a statement today Posh was eager to denounce rumours that it is basically “alien-autopsy porn.”

The Centurians

Ok so David Beckham was pretty much playing right-back last night because he doesn’t really have the legs to get up and down the pitch at full pace anymore, but this shouldn’t detract from the magnitude of his international achievement. Swelling with pride after the game, he rightly extolled the virtues of the 100 Cap Club he has now joined; namely Billy Wright, Sir Bobby Charlton, Bobby Moore and Peter Shilton. Now most of these guys were staring for club and country well before I was born, so this seemed like as good a time as any for a quick history lesson. No talking at the back!

Billy Wright was the first player in the world to reach the landmark of 100 appearances when he led out England against Scotland at Wembley in April 1959, and he held this record for more than a decade. An old-fashioned bruising centre-half, he was the epitome of English spirit and pride, also playing his entire club career of 20 years at Wolves where he finished with 541 appearances. Not only was he playing football during this period though, he was also in the army at the same time, serving from 1943 as a Physical Training Instructor and amazingly making more than 100 appearances in wartime football alone. In virtually every way he was the perfect footballing role model; captained his country a record 90 times, was never booked or sent off, and even married a pop star (Joy Beverley of the Beverley Sisters, whoever they are). He died in 1994 from stomach cancer aged 70 but his spirit lives on in an honorary stand and bronze statue at Molineux.

Next up is World Cup winner Sir Bobby Charlton, finishing with 106 caps, just one more than Wright managed. So much about Charlton was miraculous that it seems a bit insulting to just list a load of stats, but having survived national service and the Munich Air Disaster, he went on to become England’s leading ever goal-scorer with 49 international goals. During his 19 years with Manchester United, having been initially signed as a 15-year-old, he made a staggering 759 appearances and averaged a goal every three games in a variety of exemplary Busby Babes teams. With United he won the FA Cup, European Cup and several league titles, while also taking the honour of European Footballer of the Year in 1966 during the World Cup build-up. Obviously his World Cup win is the jewel in the crown, finally defeating West Germany in the final alongside his older brother Jack while hat-trick hero Geoff Hurst took most of the plaudits.

Surely no-one needs to be told that the successful 1966 team was captained by the iconic Bobby Moore, and that leads us nicely onto the next of our centurains. With 108 appearances (90 as captain), Moore is the most highly decorated outfield player in English history, so it seems appropriate that it was he who lifted our sole major international trophy 42 years ago now. An iconic gentleman and professional, he too achieved more than 500 club appearances for his home team, West Ham United, where he played for 16 years before ending his career in the newly set-up North American Soccer League in the 1970s. Unsurprisingly, a statue of the great man stands outside Wembley, and upon his death in 1993, a mass outpouring of emotion followed from the nation. A couple of quotes from perhaps his two greatest peers sum him up better than I ever can:

“He was my friend as well as the greatest defender I ever played against. The world has lost one of its greatest football players and an honourable gentleman.” - Pelé

“Bobby Moore was a real gentleman and a true friend.” - Franz Beckenbauer

Long-serving goalkeeper Peter Shilton completes the century club with a phenomenal 125 caps to his name, along with more than 1000 professional club appearances in a career that spanned three decades. Admirably ambitious from a young age, he had perhaps the greatest keeper of all time in Gordon Banks as a friend and rival from the start of his professional career, and along with similar competition from Ray Clemence in the years that followed, it was this that kept him sharp at the highest level for so long. Undoubtedly the crowning glory in Shilton’s career came under Brian Clough at Nottingham Forest, winning the League championship once, and both the League Cup and European Cup twice in the late 1970s. In terms of individual honours, he received the MBE, and later the OBE, as well as being awarded the prestigious Order of Merit by the PFA on his retirement from international football in 1990.

Between the four of them, they won 444 caps and incredibly represented England at every World Cup finals we reached between 1950 and 1990.

So there you have it. Wright, Charlton, Moore, Shilton and now Beckham: the England Centurians (insert your own embarrassing pun about lions and roaring here). RESPECT.

Another WAGtastic Couple on the Rocks?

And this time it’s the originators of the whole movement, David Beckham and Posh Spice, at least that’s if you believe the American scandal mags this week. A close friend of Posh’s reportedly told the National Enquirer, among other sources, that:

“David is behaving. But word is he is getting impatient that his wife isn’t around and it’s this kind of emotional blackmail (a consistent in their marriage) that is pressuring her to cut the (Spice Girls) reunion early. Totally makes textbook sense. Painfully insecure, married to the world’s most desirable (and occasionally unfaithful) man, it’s easy to revere the soft-spoken super athlete husband and vilify his ostentatious wife, to label him the puppet and her the master when in reality, he probably controls her with his golden balls.”

Pure poetry there from an unnamed gal pal, thanks to Kickette there for the heads up.

So is there any truth to this rumour? Well it’s hard to say, but to be honest, both have much more to lose than to gain should the pair split. However, with a close friendship with Snoop Dogg blossoming, surely Becks would be the one to come out on top? Having had his tattoo sleeves almost now completed, he is at the peak of his sexuality, while what man in his right mind would ever go anywhere near the chemical-oozing orange plastic mess that is Victoria these days? Her body looks like two watermelons stuck on a surfboard, while her face bares more than a passing resemblance to a box of angry frogs.

Thinking all the way back to the first few posts on STT, you might remember a story we ran about Lindsay Lohan supposedly betting friends she could pull D. Beck by the end of 2007. Now apparently that never happened, but having seen Lohan’s ultra slutty shoot for this month’s New York magazine, he might well be now considering shopping the junior department, especially since she’s subsequently claimed she was ‘tricked’ into getting her norks out for the lads. If I could have one superpower it would be the ability to trick Lindsay into taking her clothes off. Hmm…

Predictions 2008

As the calender trips over to another year, STT has dusted down it’s trusty crystal ball for another gaze into the immaterial ether. You might remember right back in August when we launched, we guided you towards some new players to look for and presumably it has now become clear just how close to the street we actually have our ear.

Self congratulation aside, here are some football-related events that we can see occurring in the next twelve months as we countdown those long weeks to the next Christmas holidays…

The Boring Ones:

• Euro 2008 Winners - Holland (beating Germany in the final)
• Major incident – A pundit is put through a café window after England fans still go over to Austria and Switzerland to cause trouble.

• Champions League Winners – Real Madrid (beating Man United in the final)
• Major incident – Christiano Ronaldo gets sent off for diving.

• Premier League Winners - Manchester United
• Major incident – Manchester City finish in the top 4 and Liverpool fail to qualify for Champions League 08/09.

• Championship Winners - West Brom
• Major incident – Neil Warnock takes out a contract on an opposition player after he deems them to be ineligible and calls them (again) “football's equivalent of a murderer out on bail.

• League One Winners – Nottingham Forest
• Major incident – Dennis Wise plays himself in the final game of the season and bags the goal that gets Leeds promoted.

• League Two Winners – MK Dons
• Major incident – Former Wimbledon players stage a protest outside the ground on the last day of the season.

• Conference Winners – Aldershot
• Major incident – local rivals Woking spoil the victory party when the A3 firm slash the tires of every car in the car park.
  

The Fun Ones:

• Until he first plays, Derby staff and fans still believe that the Villa they signed is Spanish goal machine David Villa from Valencia, and that in fact some no-hoper from Ecuador or something. Unfortunately just sharing a surname with a superstar isn’t enough these days; I went to school with this guy called Terry Ronaldinho and trust me, he was rubbish.

• Joey Barton will join a prison gang and return to the Premier League complete with gang tattoos and a thousand-yard stare that tells you someone showed him what a hot date they were.

• Titus Bramble will continue his unbelievable goal-scoring form of late and will finish with 20 goals this season.

• David Beckham will appear in a hip-hop video, or even drop some lyrics on a track (fingers crossed).

• Victoria Beckham will appear in one of Snoop’s “specialist” Doggystyle videos.

• The real Frank Lampard will break out of wherever he’s been kept the last three years, revealing the man we know as Fat as an imposter, created using one of those cool face-mapping gadgets in Mission: Impossible.

• David James will inevitably totally cock something up. Fans still chanting 'England's number 1' will be ridiculed.

• Paul Merson will get his own talkshow, offering Paxman-esque confrontation of the country’s most culpable politicians and economical advisors.

• Michael Owen will effectively end his career after losing a leg playing Wii Sports. Out of desperation, Derby still sign him for 2 mill though.

• Following England’s first defeat under Fabio Capello every red top in the country runs the headline “Crapello.”

• In a huge coup, Setanta will secure the rights to broadcast me and my friends playing Pro Evo 2008 after Murdoch gets cold feet at the last minute. But only one game every other week mind, and at midnight on a Tuesday.

• Capello will play a 'B' international against Albania, fielding a team comprised of foreign mercenaries who are eligible for England. There are many amusing names in the team, including Manuel Almunia, Steed Malbranque, Julio Arca and Gael Clichy. They triumph 127 - 0.
  

• Iain Dowie and his even-better-looking brother both start dating Gemma Atkinson. Hilarity ensues.

• Arsene Wenger appears in public without make-up and it turns out that he is actually African, and that the whole Arsenal team are in fact all sons he fathered during a rather promiscuous tour of the continent in the early 80s.

• Jeff Stelling will be revealed as a robot.

• Cheryl Tweedy will finally see sense and pledge herself to the STT editorial staff for life.

We’ve had our say but what’s your take on the forthcoming year? Don’t let us tell you how to think, save us some work and tell us! Suggestions, veiled threats and sexual harassment to the usual address: sniffingtt@hotmail.com

The L.A. Connect

Now I’m sure I’m not alone in really really wanting to know just what the hell Snoop D-O-Double-G and David Beckham were talking about here. I mean the brain truly boggles. Weed? Football? Suntan cream? Natural Orifice Transluminal Endoscopic Surgical techniques? As far as condensed MENSA meetings go this meeting of minds has to be up there:

One can only assume that self-proclaimed hip-hop aficionado Becks was laying out his plans for a forthcoming “soccer” themed rap album, backed by Dr Dre production and Snoop adlibs. I for one cannot freaking wait.

Have we got this one wrong, do you know what the topic of this fascinating conversation really was?? Please send you suggestions in to the usual address…

Clash of the Titans – Sydney vs L.A.

Taking a bit off time off from surfing and gangland warfare respectively, it turns out that both Australia and the good ol’ US of A now have cities that play football, and proper football too, not that Aussie rules or NFL shiznit. Billed as exhibition match, this certainly turned to be anything but a friendly with full-blooded tackles flying in all over place and L.A. bruiser Kevin Harmse getting sent off late on.

We’re a bit late on this I know, but unfortunately the carrier kitten who was transporting the footage to us was intercepted en route by an unnamed blog rival. Thankfully General Miouw was able to use his Ross Kemp-funded S.A.S. training to chew his way out of their crude woolen dungeon, and arrived home early this morning, waiting patiently by his bowl in STT headquarters when the editorial staff arrived.

Perhaps the funniest thing about this match was that Sydney were forced to give a senior team debut to 17 year old Nikolas Tsattalios, who had just two days before rented a tux for his high school prom. Bless. Anyway, such was the level of ribbing he took in the Sydney changing room about the job of marking the ex-Man United and Real Madrid man, that the whole team promised him $100 each if he managed to nutmeg the former England captain! Unfortunately he did not, but that’s the kind of incentives we at STT support in the professional game, and encourage other teams to follow suit.

So a pearler of a free-kick, a couple of decent scraps, 8 goals and most excitingly, Beckham calling someone a “fucking cunt” on camera. What more could you possibly want?

Click here to watch those chaps from Down Under kick the hair-dyed Sheilas back across the pond:

1^st Half:

2^nd Half:

Finally for those of you too impatient to sit through those extended highlights, here are direct links to a nice Blair Witch-style crowd view of Beckham’s cracking free-kick and also some pointed unpleasantness from Harmse that even Joey Barton would be proud of:

Kaka is the European Footballer of the Year. But what about Christiano?

Brazil and Milan midfielder Kaka won the Balloon D'Or today, beating Christiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi into second and third places respectively. The prestigious award was won by Fabio Cannavaro last year and buck-toothed genius Ronaldinho took home the statue the year before.

This year's recipient is, like last year's, not quite as deserving as some of the previous winners. When Ronaldinho won it two years ago, he was hands down the best player in the world, as was Zizou in 1998. Kaka's stock has risen dramatically in the past few seasons, but anyone who has seen his recent performances for Milan will question whether or not he performs to a world-class level week in, week out. Maybe the downturn in form is due to opposition managers deciding to man mark him, or the absence of Clarence Seedorf for much of the season, who so often provides Kaka with a safety valve when Milan go forward. The last 3 times that I have seen him play, he has shown touches of what he can do, with deft flicks and touches, but none of the explosive driving forward runs that we know he is capable of.

However, the award (now also known as the World Player of the Year, thanks to the contribution of journalists around the world for the first time) is judged over the course of a footballing year, rather than on recent performance. Kaka ran the show for Milan, as they won last year's Champions League with some inspiring performances over the likes of Bayern in the quarters and Manchester United in the semis, then doing it the old fashioned way against Liverpool in the final. In this competition, Kaka led the scoring with 10 goals, 2 ahead of the biggest goal machine on Merseyside - Peter Crouch. See all of his 10 goals here:



The competiton between Kaka and Christiano is a fascinating one, as Kaka appears to be at the peak of his powers at 25, while Christiano has just broken through puberty, developing into a complete player in the past 18 months. It has to be remembered that young Christiano is a wee pup of a lad of 22 years and may be even better by the time he is 25. When the two sides met in the semis last year and played out what was to be a thrilling 3-2 victory for United, there were many comparisons between Ronaldo and Kaka. None were more flowery and lah-di-dah than the Guardian's Richard Williams:

He and Kaka are the sort of players who prompt comparisons with other forms of art. Music, most obviously. Ronaldo's mode is allegro molto vivace, with a pronounced fondness for bursts of staccato phrasing via those quick-stepping feet, his unorthodoxy extending to the fearless introduction of techniques that others might unveil only in rehearsal, for the amusement of their colleagues. Kaka plays at a permanent andante cantabile, with a sweetly flowing grace, his devastating sprint a thing of seemingly unhurried beauty, his body swaying as one change of direction blends seamlessly into another.

As much as STT hates Latin, this is a fantastic way to sum up both players. Ronaldo is indeed more staccato, with jitterbug flicks and stepovers, while Kaka plays with a sweeping force, as he seems to run more comfortably with the ball at his feet than without. While the differing styles split advocates and detractors, they have little bearing on goals, as both players have very similar goalscoring records for club and country, both averaging a goal every 3 and a bit games. In terms of what other creative talents they bring to their teams, both play in midfields packed with talent, so others can make up for their lack of flair on any given day. It is Ronaldo who is more important to his club, however, as he is irreplaceable in a team that still fields the likes of Darren Fletcher and John O'Shea, whereas Kaka has not even been the most influential midfielder at the San Siro this season. That award goes to Andrea Pirlo, who is in possession of the world's most fabulous Roman nose:


So, who deserves this award more? Kaka was the standout player in the Champion's League, the most prestigious competition since the World Cup, so he's the safe choice. He needs to put in some stunning performances for Milan in Serie A and the Champions League knockout stages. If not, it will be surprising if he wins in next year. One day, it will be Ronaldo earning the plaudits, not to mention Lionel Messi, or a certain Andrea Pirlo.

Cheryl on Posh (unfortunately no, not in that way)

I really wish people would leave poor (not literally) Victoria Beckham alone. Apparently David is in a huge grump at the moment so it’s taking both of her talents (I assume you can probably work out what those are for yourselves) to keep him from hitting the bottle and ‘doing a Britney.’ And now, to make matters worse, her supposed ‘gal pal’ and ‘BFF’ Cheryl Tweedy has come out and said that Posh is afraid to smile in public.

The Girls Aloud sexpot, who actually holds doctorates in psychology and psychiatry, reckons that the reason behind this is in fact deep-set insecurity. The Scouse Strumpet continued, telling a story about how she once tried to trick Posh into ditching her famous look of vacancy. Supposedly the two girls took their respective hubbies out for a hot double date, and Cheryl spent the whole night reciting the script from ‘The Contest’ episode of Seinfeld over and over again, just to encourage Posh to laugh in front of the paparazzi. “I was like, 'Go on, Victoria - just crack one smile!’ And she was laughing, but she was covering her mouth with her bag,” the honey-snatched-one told STT exclusively. This lack of a public smile baffled Ashley Cole especially, telling us that it completely put him off his McDonalds and ensured that the planned cut party between the four has had to be indefinitely postponed.

There is clearly something going on here, but the usually astute Cheryl might be barking up the wrong tree blaming Posh’s level of ‘self-awareness’ for her consistently miserable look; when you have kids named Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz, self-awareness is clearly not high on your list of priorities. When we hear more on this exciting mystery, don’t fear loyal reader, you will be the first to know…

Yowza..........

A bounty on his goldenballs part 2

There doesn't appear to be much movement on this subject from Lohan. Maybe she's too busy in rehab, or she's talking to her lawyer about how she's going to have a great time in jail. She will definitely have fun, if all-female jails are anything like I think they are.

Just look at Davy boy's face. His mind is on much bigger things.

Enormous props go to loljocks for the above dreamy masterpiece.

Make or Break

Welcome to the section of the site where I highlight those players whose careers in the Premier League might well be coming to an end…and also those guys who have something to prove after disappointing performances last year…plus the injury-prone who might have to call it a day…oh, and Titus Bramble because he is simply the worst professional footballer I have ever seen and it baffles me that people keep paying money for him rather than just using him for compost.

Michael Ballack

It still doesn’t really make any sense, but somehow Ballack transforms into a different player when wearing a Chelsea shirt; one that wouldn’t deserve his place in my local pub team. His performances at the highest level over the years for club and country have shown what incredible talent he possesses, and you certainly don’t get to be the captain of Germany by being rubbish, but unfortunately he gave Lampard a run for his money in defining the term “anonymous” last season…and that’s saying something.

Seemingly tailor-made for our country, it often takes foreign imports a year to adjust to the Premier League, so if Ballack’s keen on staying for a third season he needs to hit the ground running in August and seriously perform.

Andrei Shevachenko

As with Ballack, I still cannot get my head round how Sheva went a full season without showing much of what the whole world knows he is capable of. His club record up until last season speaks for itself, and the Talismanic affect he has on the Ukranian national team is incredible, but still he struggled to make an impact last year. Maybe he wasn’t fit, maybe he didn’t settle in London, maybe he just felt insulted being asked to play second fiddle to an arrogant flash-in-the-pan like Drogba…whatever the reason, he must perform well early otherwise I fear he’s back off to Milan next year with his tail between his legs.

Shaun Wright-Phillips

You could’ve said last season was SWP’s make or break year, but since this website didn’t exist then, it wasn’t officially. Now however, after a summer of rumours connecting him with various big European clubs, SWP must either make himself one of Jose’s ‘undroppables’ or bite the bullet and leave, its that simple. After an excellent preseason and a great opening showing, where his provision was excellent, he has taken a step in the right direction. He’s already lost all the confidence that came with being a big fish at Man City, and any dreams of international glory, but he still has the ability left to be an exciting player at the top level. The amount of quality wingers at Chelsea is daunting, sure, but SWP was probably the most effective wide man in the country three years ago, and if he really wants it, can be again.

Steve Sidwell

Winner of this season’s “Shaun Wright-Phillips Award for Lack of Ambition”, Sidwell has had two phenomenal years and could’ve walked into almost any other team’s starting eleven. Instead, he took a huge pay rise to sit on the bench at Chelsea to waste away his career until he gets bored. Oh well.

Michael Carrick

Despite ending the footballing year in the kind of form we all knew he was capable of, Carrick is undoubtedly under pressure from the arrival of Owen Hargreaves, the man whose place he also competes for at international level. The passing and vision that made him such a success at Spurs was starting to come back by the last months of the 06/07 season, but you can’t help but wonder just how Carrick will fit into a front six that will presumably now have to accommodate Nani and Anderson, along with Hargreaves, Scholes, Ronaldo and Rooney…

Alan Smith

At the time of writing, ‘Smudge’ is being linked with a move to Newcastle which would probably be the best thing for him at the moment. His ability or passion have never been in doubt, but injuries have unfortunately rendered the Manchester-based portion of his career pretty void. With the huge influx of players there over the last few years, I don’t believe Smith can keep up any more, but a chance of scene and new group of teammates might re-invigorate him into the bloodied scrapper we all know and love.

Jermaine Pennant

One of those guys who never really showed that much but continued to be highly rated just because he was once at Arsenal, Pennant will struggle to get a game in the new look Liverpool next season unless he hits a serious peak of form. Despite impressive performances the year before at Birmingham, he did nothing but underwelm at Anfield last year and must try harder if he doesn’t want to be pushed out the back door and forgotten about altogether. An England call-up may beckon, due to Cojones d’oro’s injury.

Keiran Richardson

Again, I never had a particularly high opinion of the guy to start with, and his cousin has driven me the point of wanting to remove my own eyes and ear drums on the clips I’ve seen of her, but Richardson still could do well at a club with lower expectations. Under Roy Keane at Sunderland, if he is even going to produce something and shine, this is the season.

Thomas Rosicky

Although he would make a very convincing woman, Rosicky is actually quite a good footballer, as shown at last year’s World Cup, however, he didn’t quite click in a disappointing Arsenal team last season. Perhaps without the disruption and distraction of Henry, they may fare better as a team, but Rosicky is among a group of players at the club who definitely have something to prove this year.

Alexander Hleb

Now I can’t really figure out Hleb. I honestly don’t know what he does or what he is supposed to do; every time he receives the ball, he does the same little shimmy then loses the ball. He’s not particularly strong, he’s slow and he’s not a great finisher, but occasionally he can produce a piece of dribbling magic that will create something. This upcoming season, consistency is key, and if he can find his role within this new Arsenal we could see the player Wenger thought he was signing. From his start to this season and his goals against Inter and Fulham, he could develop into the key scoring midfielder in Wenger’s Henry-less side.

Emmanuel Eboue

After being told two years ago by every single Arsenal fan on the planet that he was the best right-back in Europe/the World/all of Time, last season Eboue delivered one of the poorest individual performances that I can remember. Defensively inept, he was also very ineffective going forward, failed to mark at corners and with the promising likes of Hoyte coming up through the ranks, he could well be on his way soon if things don’t change. Good points are that he does look a lot like Kanye West and is apparently a complete joker, akin to Jimmy Bullard.

Didier Zokora

Following reported bidding wars, Zokora was supposed to be the real deal; a new Viera but this time playing for the white side of North London. However, he turned out to be…well, nothing really. Apart from the fact that he has probably the least accurate shot in the top flight, and may well be the sweatiest man in history, there’s very little to say about him. Yes he was technically on the field for most of last season, but what he actually did is anyone’s guess. If Spurs are to genuinely compete for that hallowed fourth place finish this year, he simply must do more.

Jermaine Defoe

Of the fantastic young English crop that grew up together at West Ham over the years, Defoe was always the one who looked most likely to really kick on and make an international impact. However, he must now look at the likes of Ferdinand, Carrick and Joe Cole and wonder what happened. Fast and direct with a fearsome shot, its hard to see where Defoe went wrong. For the last two years he hasn’t looked interested, and his laziness did not unnoticed by Jol who used him only sparingly last season. Now, with the excellent Keane, Berbatov and Bent as competition, will he even figure at all? In the above picture, it appears that one of his fellow strikers has just squeezed his lemon and the juice is now running down his leg.

Mido

Sure he’s a pretty likeable guy who has flashes of brilliance, but Mido was a resounding failure last year, becoming a figure of fun even to the Spurs fans who so adored him the season before. As with Richardson, perhaps a move to Sunderland is exactly what he needs for a bit of motivation to perform, and alongside the rapier sharp Chopra, he could still form a very dangerous partnership on these shores.

Mark Gonzalez

Gonzalez is another funny one. Ridiculously fast and with a sledgehammer for a left foot, he just didn’t seem to settle last year and panicked when given an opportunity to shine. Again, consistency is the key if he wishes to find a place in the new Liverpool team this season, and if he can get back to basics, running at people and delivering quality into the box, then he could find himself playing a lot more this year than last.

Dirk Kuyt

Kuyt is a great player, with boundless energy and fight but he was brought in as goal scorer, someone who would net 25-30 league goals and raise Liverpool to the level of Chelsea and Man United. Hopefully it will alongside Torres that Kuyt will find his feet in England and together they could be the most deadly duo since Blackburn’s glory days in the mid-90s where the S.A.S. ram rampant. Additional kudos as ever for having the same first name as Clive Cussler’s legendary hero Dirk Pitt though.

Joey Barton

Its hard to disassociate the footballer from the man and objectively comment on Mr Barton since in my opinion he is among the most objectionable players in the world. Having been at Newcastle only a matter of weeks, he has already been in numerous spots of bother, falling out with teammates wherever humanly possible. If anyone can reel in his borderline personality disorder though it’s Big Sam, so let’s hope for the sake of youth player’s eyes in the north east, he can do it and we’ll see the best of Barton this year outside of the safety of Man City.

Scott Parker

Despite looking impressively like a World War 1 fighter pilot, Parker certainly has something to prove next season at new club West Ham. Underperformed in an admittedly frustrating Newcastle team last year, Parker could once again find his feet in this rejuvenated West Ham side, and fill the passionate void left by Reo-Coker.

Nigel Reo-Coker

Unless his performances regain the level of two seasons ago, Reo-Coker will join an increasingly long line of England under 21 captains who failed to make any impact on the proper international stage. His potential is enormous, but last year he simply did not look interested, even when his teammates were rallying around the incredible Tevez to ensure survival for West Ham. Now at Villa, if anyone can bring the best out of him again it is the Martin O’Neill, and full England caps may once more beckon.

Freddie Ljungberg

No-one can deny that for a couple of years Freddie was among the best players in the country and even Europe, while part of a sublime overall team all at the peak of their careers. Now however, he is a pale shadow of the red-haired maestro he once was, visibly winding down over the last couple of seasons happily cashing his cheques without breaking sweat. As with many players on this list, hopefully a change of scene will kickstart at least a flash of a last hurrah before he retires to bisexual decadence and ambiguous underwear ads.

Michael Owen

A true prodigy when he started out but people forget that that goal against Argentina was almost ten years ago now, and those interim years have not been too kind to ‘young’ Michael Owen. He’s one of those guys we all want to do well, but you just get the feeling he might be cursed in some way. If ever there was a chance to fulfill all that potential however this is it; the Newcastle squad looks impressive this season, and alongside someone as dynamic as Martins, anything could happen.

Jeremie Aliadiere

He was at Arsenal for something absurd like 15 years, without ever really making an impact that wasn’t related to his tongue-twisting name, but maybe at a club with slightly less pressure, he might perform. Or not. To be honest, I think he’s rubbish.

Darren Bent

Now some of you might think this is a strange inclusion but bear with me. Coming from Charlton, where there was little expectation, to Spurs where all eyes on a top 4 finish, Bent simply has to deliver. Add to that the huge price tag, competition for places and the pressures that come with being on the cusp of an England team place, and this truly could be the formative year of bent’s career. Either that or he’ll do a Defoe and settle for mediocrity.

Dean Ashton

Following a difficult season on the sidelines with injury, Ashton has been in impressive pre-season form with West Ham. In the build-up to last year’s World Cup, his name was being touted by many as the ideal strike partner for Rooney, a new Shearer. He still has that potential, but very few players manage to regain their previous form after such an extended period out of the game at this level.

Titus Bramble

Owner of the most impressive child-bearing hips in the country and also the least co-ordinated running style this side of Special Olympics, it can only be through a deal with the devil that Bramble is still a professional footballer. This showed when he crashed his car into a house, but didn't even have the decency to be over the limit, like any other self-respecting player. Every season of his career has been make or break. Why? Because he is just so obviously shit.