No Hair on the Wicket

One of the best things about the internet is being able to make long-lasting friendships with people on the other side of the world. One of the worst things however is that these ‘friendships’ can often morph into sordid sexual role-plays, where young girls are manipulated into taking their shirts off by drunk, fat football fans. So just like a town centre Yates’ Wine Lodge on a Saturday night then. This week however, one particularly bad 41-year-old pervert has been jailed for posing as a teenager and luring young girls into stripping for him live over webcam. Paul Quinn, posing as 18-year-old Paul Wilson, somehow managed to convince one 15-year-old to take all her clothes off for him while he presumably sat in his own filth, cheeseburger in one hand, edging himself with the other.

You might justifiably ask if in its absence, has STT suddenly changed from a football blog to an amateur Crimewatch blog? No, is the unequivocal answer, because you see Mr Quinn was eventually caught by the polis after one girl identified him via a distinctive Celtic tattoo he reportedly always boasted about. Fiscal deputy Ward said: “On a number of occasions he asked her to remove her clothing. He did not show her who he was and having been repeatedly asked to do so, although she was very uncomfortable she did on one occasion do it (strip).”

Upon raiding his Midlothian home the filth found a huge haul of child pornography (more than 500 images of girls aged as young as six) on his computers, as well as a huge cache of hot video clips saved from the jailbaits’ webcams. Some of the files recovered were apparently rated at the highest level on the scale police use to measure depravity. Now I don’t know much about this but it sounds pretty fun, I’d hate to know where I might sit on this scale.

Quinn’s defence in court yesterday? He is simply “addicted” to the behaviour and needs help. Yeah fair enough mate.

Gameweek 12 – Misanthrope

Happy midweek then chaps and chapettes, and despite an awful weekend weather-wise, a good time was had by all. The two pace-setters Chelsea and Liverpool enjoyed a successful couple of hours in the office, breezing past their opposition without really breaking sweat. Both Nicolas Anelka and Robbie Keane bagged a brace each, and looked in fine form as Blackburn and West Brom crumbled appropriately.

Manchester City and Aston Villa continue to infuriate, both losing in pretty flat performances to Spurs and Middlesbrough respectively. Everton meanwhile seem to be putting it together at last, with a rejuvenated Louis Saha netting twice against a West Ham side who are surely in real trouble this season. Heading to the North-East then, and poor times were had by both Sunderland and Newcastle to keep them rooted in the relegation scrap.

Finally, the two glamour games this weekend saw Hull play Bolton, and Wigan host Stoke. Predictably there was just a goal across both matches, with Bolton sneaking three points away from the KC Stadium, while dejected Wigan fans apparently sat through literally the worst 90 minutes the Premier League has seen for quite some time. I’d comment further but I just couldn’t face watching the ‘highlights.’

Game of the Week – Arsenal vs Manchester United

The BIG game this weekend was of course in North London, as two of the major superpowers sized each other for the first time this year. Going into the match, Manchester United were starting to look pretty slick after a shaky start to the season, while Arsenal were apparently on the ropes already after a couple of pretty tepid performances to say the least. However, in the rare case of a big-four clash actually being open and exciting, Saturday lunchtime at the Emirates was a pretty captivating affair. There was a breakneck tempo for 90 minutes, and enough end-to-end action for it to have finished 4 – 4 on another day, but the Gunners just edged it thanks to a couple of nicely-taken Samir Nasri goals.

Player of the Week – Jussi Jaaskelainen

It’s rare for a keeper to get this award but Jaaskelainen just edges it this week over a brace-scoring Robbie Keane. The giant Finn was in absolutely inspired form as Bolton further helped to burst the Hull bubble, with a scrappy one-goal win at the KC Stadium. The unpronouncably-named keeper made a string of superb saves in the face of a late Tigers fight-back, with the pick being a double-save where he first parried Marlon King’s effort before pushing clear the loose ball as Geovanni swooped.

Trick of the Week – Scott Parker

Scott Parker always respect around our office for looking commendably like a World War II fighter pilot, however this weekend he proved he can play a bit too. In the build-up to Jack Collison’s opener at Upton Park, he delightfully backheeled the ball and wrong-footed the entire Everton defence. Kudos Mr Parker, kudos.

Goal of the Week – Rafael Silva

I don’t know much about Rafael, but I think he’s quite sweet. He also has ace hair. Anyway, after coming on for the ailing Gary Neville, the young Brazilian was excellent both in defence and attack, netting this cracking volley with five minutes left on the clock to worry the Arsenal faithful as they clock-watched.

Worst Goal of the Week – Nicolas Anelka

Ok, so Anelka’s second was very nicely taken, but this first goal was absolutely hilarious. Jose Boswinga unleashed one of the most speculative efforts of the season so far, but his 4o-yard drive swerved straight into Anelka’s groin and subsequently wrong-footed Paul Robinson in the Blackburn goal. Not sure what ‘they all count’ in French is, answers on a postcard please.

Fashion Statement of the Week – Jose Bosingwa

I think Boswinga’s pretty cool, in a street-kid-done-good kind of way, but he rapidly plummeted in my estimation this weekend after being snapped playing on Sunday with surgical gloves over his normal wooly gloves. Why, you might ask. Well, to make sure his warm Adidas gloves stayed fresh and dry of course! What a lady.

Good-to-have-you-back-playing-again Moment of the Week – Steve Sidwell

Depending on who you talk to, Steve Sidwell is either unlucky or a complete prick. Regardless of your opinion on his various transfer sagas, I guess it was good to see him starting a game for Villa this weekend after quite a long lay-off with a broken arm. He marked his debut with a goal, sure, but then unfortunately underlined it by gifting Middlesbrough a last minute winner, when his misplaced pass played in Tuncay expertly to slot past Friedel. Stick to bench-warming methinks.

Special Mention of the Week – Darren Bent

He’s got a lot of stick over the last couple of years but it seems that finally Darren Bent is finally finding his scoring boots for Tottenham. Following a superb hat-trick last week against Dynamo Zagreb, Bent once again netted for Spurs as the Harry Redknapp show keeps on rolling. Both goals were sweet against Manchester City, but the first was especially well-taken. £16million well spent? We’re not quite there yet, but still…

Malcontents 11

As the season draws to a close with only one weekend of matches left before the title is decided, a number of players are looking to next year, to new opportunities in other cities with bigger paychecks. We've already covered the players most likely to be snapped up by bigger clubs if their team gets relegated, but there are so many players in this league who have had stinking seasons and want to get out of dodge, as well as players who may have outgrown their clubs. If another team was created, with the malcontents and castoffs from the other 20 teams, we reckon this would be the strongest team. It wouldn't be much of a surprise if this was West Ham's starting 11 next year, then.

GK Paul Robinson

The former England number one's career has been on the slide ever since Juande Ramos got his besuited knees under the desk at White Hart Lane, bringing in Radek Cerny as his possible replacement. Robinson has been linked with Villa, Newcastle and West Ham.

LB John Arne Riise

It hasn't been the best season for the hammer footed Norweigan, as he has been kept out of the Liverpool side by Fabio Aurelio. It's a shame, because there was a point when Riise provided plenty of excitement with long range shots and some fairly comical defending. The own goal that let Chelsea back into the Champions League Semi Final will stay for him for a while, though. He will be expensive for anyone who signs him, though. That someone will probably be Newcastle.

CB Micah Richards

Richards isn't necessarily unhappy at Man City, but he wouldn't say no to a megabucks deal from United. It would be hard to see where he would fit in at Old Trafford, with Vidic and Ferdinand showing priapic form this year and Wes Brown showing that he is actually a professional footballer. Still, the guy's only 19 and would be a shrewd investment.

CB Sol Campbell

Campbell has had a decent season on the South Coast, but it looks like his legs have well and truly departed. After some fairly silly comments aimed at the board in January, it appears that Sol won't be kept around for his dressing room presence, either. It looks like a move to Spain or France may be on the cards, but it's hard to believe what the big chap says. His career's not over yet, but it seems that retirement is just one big hissy-fit away these days.

RB Olof Mellberg

After more than 200 games in 7 years for Villa, one of the most solid defenders in the league is off to Juventus on a free transfer. While he may not be pissed off with Birmingham, it looks like Mellberg fancies a new challenge in a different country. The great scenes last weekend on 'Mellberg day' show what he means to fans at Villa Park.

LM Gareth Barry

GazBaz has had something of a breakout season this year, at the ripe old age of 27 and may be getting a bit too big for his boots. Arsenal and Liverpool have been stalking him, waving the filthy lucre under his nose and offering to stuff his pants full of Champion's League football. A move may be lucrative, but probably detrimental to his career. It's unlikely that he'll ever actually look like he's enjoying himself when he's playing, so sour is his demeanour.

CM Mathieu Flamini

It's not clear what's happened behind the scenes at Arsenal, but a number of players really are not very pleased with their situation. After fighting to get a regular starting place anywhere on the pitch for 3 years, Flamini is doing one to Italy after a career defining season, where he has well and truly kept Gilberto sitting on the bench in a huff. I could speculate all day about why he's off, but he spoke to pretty much every club in Serie A before signing with AC Milan, so maybe he just likes sunshine, wine and cinghiale.

CM Steve Sidwell

Who? Oh yeah, he's that ginger guy who was great for Reading last year, but who does he play for now? Chelsea!?!? Really? I don't think he wants to stay there for much longer, having sunk to sub SWP levels.

RW Alexander Hleb

Another casualty of the Arsenal malaise, Hleb's fate is yet to be decided, but it looks like he was listening to Flamini shouting about Italy as he walked out the door. After a strong season, where the less intelligent Arsenal fans have claimed that he is George Best reincarnate, he gave the league something to remember him by by bitch-slapping pundit-in-waiting Graeme Murty. Ouch.

CF Peter Crouch

It's been a difficult season for the big chap, as he's shown what he can do in short spells this season, but Rafa seems to think that this is only marginally better than Andriy Voronin, but not nearly as good as Dirk Kuyt. While few strikers (i.e. none) can complain about being second choice behind Fernando Torres, Crouch's performances this year have warranted him a place in another Premiership team, with Portsmouth and Newcastle leading the pack.

CF Dimitar Berbatov

So little was known about Berbles before he turned up in North London almost 2 years ago, such is the level of exposure of das Bundesliga. There's no need for superlatives with Berbatov, but let's just say that he would do a pretty good job for any team in the world, as long as his head is in the game. Much like Gareth Barry, he sulks his way around the pitch, looking like someone switched his half-time oranges with limes. Still, here's hoping that he stays in the Premiership, but doesn't go to United.

On the Bench:

The rest of the Arsenal Squad, especially Emmanuels Adebayor and Eboue

Frank Lampard

Didier Drogba

Benni McCarthy

El Hadji Diouf

STT Centenary

Such is the level of awareness here in the STT editorial office that earlier this week we reached the magical total of 100 posted articles and 6000 site hits, without even realizing it. As Ferris Bueller once said, “life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

So this then is us honouring you, loyal reader, for all your continued support and ‘street buzz’ that has helped keep our famously unmotivated staff churning out quality product day after day. We just wanted to take this time to pay homage to a couple of relics that encouraged us to start STT way back in August.

It had been an idea that we’d kicked around for a couple of summers, but due to time constraints, apathy and Legend of Zelda addiction, it never came to fruitition. Instead we’d spend the entire football season moaning about how we wished there was a fully-functioning media node that would keep us up to date on WAG scandle and mascot machinations, while also occasionally listing Premier League scores in a non-descript panel on the right hand side of the page.

This year however, burdened with the unpalletable prospect of having to finally find full-time jobs, we decided that enough was enough and STT was officially born with some non-sensical pub scribblings on the back of a Mini Cheddars packet.

The only thing that got us through the tough early weeks of the creative process this year was the amusement provided by latest super-cool interwebz craze LOLCATS, so we came upon the idea of making our own LOLFUTBAWLERS. The first of these was planned as the ‘infamous’ picture of Paul Scholes’ (cough) testicles, an image which I simply failed to believe actually existed. As soon as this was found however (after an Indiana Jones-esque debacle in a Central American temple), it was a sign, and everything seemed to fall into place.

So if Mr Scholes’ nuts was one of the founding pillars of the site, then the others surely have to be the annual society event that is the mascot ‘Football Furlong’ race, and of course the lovely Cheryl Tweedy. Not since Porkys has sexiness meshed in such a complimentary way with amusement. Sprinkle a little bit grated football on top, barbeque for twenty minutes and voila, you have yourselves STT.

In all seriousness though, we could never have predicted this number of visitors to the site, nor the level of praise we’ve received from various parties, so thank you, it has made all our hardwork truly worthwhile. Here’s to another 100!

Keep sniffing x

John Arne Riise Needs To Gets Payed

In the bin man's grubby hand shown above is John Arne Riise's pay remittance, most likely from the red club in Liverpool. What can be concluded from this is that Riise lives in a house with a number, not a name and may be spending his lovely lolly on vice, rather than bricks and mortar. A googlemaps satellite image disproves this assumption and shows Cedar Close to be positively palatial.

click image to enlarge

Using cunning and guile, STT decided to follow suit and root around in Riise's bins. This is what was found:

1) A Viking helmet with big pointy horns
2) Ginger hair clippings, all mixed up with lint
3) Peter Crouch's fax machine
4) The skull of a vanquished foe, which has been poorly converted into a chalice
5) A right foot

6) A full Liverpool kit

Make or Break

Welcome to the section of the site where I highlight those players whose careers in the Premier League might well be coming to an end…and also those guys who have something to prove after disappointing performances last year…plus the injury-prone who might have to call it a day…oh, and Titus Bramble because he is simply the worst professional footballer I have ever seen and it baffles me that people keep paying money for him rather than just using him for compost.

Michael Ballack

It still doesn’t really make any sense, but somehow Ballack transforms into a different player when wearing a Chelsea shirt; one that wouldn’t deserve his place in my local pub team. His performances at the highest level over the years for club and country have shown what incredible talent he possesses, and you certainly don’t get to be the captain of Germany by being rubbish, but unfortunately he gave Lampard a run for his money in defining the term “anonymous” last season…and that’s saying something.

Seemingly tailor-made for our country, it often takes foreign imports a year to adjust to the Premier League, so if Ballack’s keen on staying for a third season he needs to hit the ground running in August and seriously perform.

Andrei Shevachenko

As with Ballack, I still cannot get my head round how Sheva went a full season without showing much of what the whole world knows he is capable of. His club record up until last season speaks for itself, and the Talismanic affect he has on the Ukranian national team is incredible, but still he struggled to make an impact last year. Maybe he wasn’t fit, maybe he didn’t settle in London, maybe he just felt insulted being asked to play second fiddle to an arrogant flash-in-the-pan like Drogba…whatever the reason, he must perform well early otherwise I fear he’s back off to Milan next year with his tail between his legs.

Shaun Wright-Phillips

You could’ve said last season was SWP’s make or break year, but since this website didn’t exist then, it wasn’t officially. Now however, after a summer of rumours connecting him with various big European clubs, SWP must either make himself one of Jose’s ‘undroppables’ or bite the bullet and leave, its that simple. After an excellent preseason and a great opening showing, where his provision was excellent, he has taken a step in the right direction. He’s already lost all the confidence that came with being a big fish at Man City, and any dreams of international glory, but he still has the ability left to be an exciting player at the top level. The amount of quality wingers at Chelsea is daunting, sure, but SWP was probably the most effective wide man in the country three years ago, and if he really wants it, can be again.

Steve Sidwell

Winner of this season’s “Shaun Wright-Phillips Award for Lack of Ambition”, Sidwell has had two phenomenal years and could’ve walked into almost any other team’s starting eleven. Instead, he took a huge pay rise to sit on the bench at Chelsea to waste away his career until he gets bored. Oh well.

Michael Carrick

Despite ending the footballing year in the kind of form we all knew he was capable of, Carrick is undoubtedly under pressure from the arrival of Owen Hargreaves, the man whose place he also competes for at international level. The passing and vision that made him such a success at Spurs was starting to come back by the last months of the 06/07 season, but you can’t help but wonder just how Carrick will fit into a front six that will presumably now have to accommodate Nani and Anderson, along with Hargreaves, Scholes, Ronaldo and Rooney…

Alan Smith

At the time of writing, ‘Smudge’ is being linked with a move to Newcastle which would probably be the best thing for him at the moment. His ability or passion have never been in doubt, but injuries have unfortunately rendered the Manchester-based portion of his career pretty void. With the huge influx of players there over the last few years, I don’t believe Smith can keep up any more, but a chance of scene and new group of teammates might re-invigorate him into the bloodied scrapper we all know and love.

Jermaine Pennant

One of those guys who never really showed that much but continued to be highly rated just because he was once at Arsenal, Pennant will struggle to get a game in the new look Liverpool next season unless he hits a serious peak of form. Despite impressive performances the year before at Birmingham, he did nothing but underwelm at Anfield last year and must try harder if he doesn’t want to be pushed out the back door and forgotten about altogether. An England call-up may beckon, due to Cojones d’oro’s injury.

Keiran Richardson

Again, I never had a particularly high opinion of the guy to start with, and his cousin has driven me the point of wanting to remove my own eyes and ear drums on the clips I’ve seen of her, but Richardson still could do well at a club with lower expectations. Under Roy Keane at Sunderland, if he is even going to produce something and shine, this is the season.

Thomas Rosicky

Although he would make a very convincing woman, Rosicky is actually quite a good footballer, as shown at last year’s World Cup, however, he didn’t quite click in a disappointing Arsenal team last season. Perhaps without the disruption and distraction of Henry, they may fare better as a team, but Rosicky is among a group of players at the club who definitely have something to prove this year.

Alexander Hleb

Now I can’t really figure out Hleb. I honestly don’t know what he does or what he is supposed to do; every time he receives the ball, he does the same little shimmy then loses the ball. He’s not particularly strong, he’s slow and he’s not a great finisher, but occasionally he can produce a piece of dribbling magic that will create something. This upcoming season, consistency is key, and if he can find his role within this new Arsenal we could see the player Wenger thought he was signing. From his start to this season and his goals against Inter and Fulham, he could develop into the key scoring midfielder in Wenger’s Henry-less side.

Emmanuel Eboue

After being told two years ago by every single Arsenal fan on the planet that he was the best right-back in Europe/the World/all of Time, last season Eboue delivered one of the poorest individual performances that I can remember. Defensively inept, he was also very ineffective going forward, failed to mark at corners and with the promising likes of Hoyte coming up through the ranks, he could well be on his way soon if things don’t change. Good points are that he does look a lot like Kanye West and is apparently a complete joker, akin to Jimmy Bullard.

Didier Zokora

Following reported bidding wars, Zokora was supposed to be the real deal; a new Viera but this time playing for the white side of North London. However, he turned out to be…well, nothing really. Apart from the fact that he has probably the least accurate shot in the top flight, and may well be the sweatiest man in history, there’s very little to say about him. Yes he was technically on the field for most of last season, but what he actually did is anyone’s guess. If Spurs are to genuinely compete for that hallowed fourth place finish this year, he simply must do more.

Jermaine Defoe

Of the fantastic young English crop that grew up together at West Ham over the years, Defoe was always the one who looked most likely to really kick on and make an international impact. However, he must now look at the likes of Ferdinand, Carrick and Joe Cole and wonder what happened. Fast and direct with a fearsome shot, its hard to see where Defoe went wrong. For the last two years he hasn’t looked interested, and his laziness did not unnoticed by Jol who used him only sparingly last season. Now, with the excellent Keane, Berbatov and Bent as competition, will he even figure at all? In the above picture, it appears that one of his fellow strikers has just squeezed his lemon and the juice is now running down his leg.

Mido

Sure he’s a pretty likeable guy who has flashes of brilliance, but Mido was a resounding failure last year, becoming a figure of fun even to the Spurs fans who so adored him the season before. As with Richardson, perhaps a move to Sunderland is exactly what he needs for a bit of motivation to perform, and alongside the rapier sharp Chopra, he could still form a very dangerous partnership on these shores.

Mark Gonzalez

Gonzalez is another funny one. Ridiculously fast and with a sledgehammer for a left foot, he just didn’t seem to settle last year and panicked when given an opportunity to shine. Again, consistency is the key if he wishes to find a place in the new Liverpool team this season, and if he can get back to basics, running at people and delivering quality into the box, then he could find himself playing a lot more this year than last.

Dirk Kuyt

Kuyt is a great player, with boundless energy and fight but he was brought in as goal scorer, someone who would net 25-30 league goals and raise Liverpool to the level of Chelsea and Man United. Hopefully it will alongside Torres that Kuyt will find his feet in England and together they could be the most deadly duo since Blackburn’s glory days in the mid-90s where the S.A.S. ram rampant. Additional kudos as ever for having the same first name as Clive Cussler’s legendary hero Dirk Pitt though.

Joey Barton

Its hard to disassociate the footballer from the man and objectively comment on Mr Barton since in my opinion he is among the most objectionable players in the world. Having been at Newcastle only a matter of weeks, he has already been in numerous spots of bother, falling out with teammates wherever humanly possible. If anyone can reel in his borderline personality disorder though it’s Big Sam, so let’s hope for the sake of youth player’s eyes in the north east, he can do it and we’ll see the best of Barton this year outside of the safety of Man City.

Scott Parker

Despite looking impressively like a World War 1 fighter pilot, Parker certainly has something to prove next season at new club West Ham. Underperformed in an admittedly frustrating Newcastle team last year, Parker could once again find his feet in this rejuvenated West Ham side, and fill the passionate void left by Reo-Coker.

Nigel Reo-Coker

Unless his performances regain the level of two seasons ago, Reo-Coker will join an increasingly long line of England under 21 captains who failed to make any impact on the proper international stage. His potential is enormous, but last year he simply did not look interested, even when his teammates were rallying around the incredible Tevez to ensure survival for West Ham. Now at Villa, if anyone can bring the best out of him again it is the Martin O’Neill, and full England caps may once more beckon.

Freddie Ljungberg

No-one can deny that for a couple of years Freddie was among the best players in the country and even Europe, while part of a sublime overall team all at the peak of their careers. Now however, he is a pale shadow of the red-haired maestro he once was, visibly winding down over the last couple of seasons happily cashing his cheques without breaking sweat. As with many players on this list, hopefully a change of scene will kickstart at least a flash of a last hurrah before he retires to bisexual decadence and ambiguous underwear ads.

Michael Owen

A true prodigy when he started out but people forget that that goal against Argentina was almost ten years ago now, and those interim years have not been too kind to ‘young’ Michael Owen. He’s one of those guys we all want to do well, but you just get the feeling he might be cursed in some way. If ever there was a chance to fulfill all that potential however this is it; the Newcastle squad looks impressive this season, and alongside someone as dynamic as Martins, anything could happen.

Jeremie Aliadiere

He was at Arsenal for something absurd like 15 years, without ever really making an impact that wasn’t related to his tongue-twisting name, but maybe at a club with slightly less pressure, he might perform. Or not. To be honest, I think he’s rubbish.

Darren Bent

Now some of you might think this is a strange inclusion but bear with me. Coming from Charlton, where there was little expectation, to Spurs where all eyes on a top 4 finish, Bent simply has to deliver. Add to that the huge price tag, competition for places and the pressures that come with being on the cusp of an England team place, and this truly could be the formative year of bent’s career. Either that or he’ll do a Defoe and settle for mediocrity.

Dean Ashton

Following a difficult season on the sidelines with injury, Ashton has been in impressive pre-season form with West Ham. In the build-up to last year’s World Cup, his name was being touted by many as the ideal strike partner for Rooney, a new Shearer. He still has that potential, but very few players manage to regain their previous form after such an extended period out of the game at this level.

Titus Bramble

Owner of the most impressive child-bearing hips in the country and also the least co-ordinated running style this side of Special Olympics, it can only be through a deal with the devil that Bramble is still a professional footballer. This showed when he crashed his car into a house, but didn't even have the decency to be over the limit, like any other self-respecting player. Every season of his career has been make or break. Why? Because he is just so obviously shit.