Beckham Credits England Recall to Scientology

You felt it had to happen sooner or later but today David Beckham has officially announced his conversion to Scientology, even dedicating his landmark 100^th England cap last week to Xenu, the ancient alien ruler of the Galactic Confederacy to whom many of the religion’s facets are traced back to. Reportedly the million year old space-deity (think Bowser from the Super Mario games) visited Beckham in a dream and said that if he followed his prophet, he would get all his heart desired.

Supposedly Becks came properly into contact with the religion after getting stuck in a lift for 8 hours with new convert Pete Doherty, and the pair are now keen to become major figureheads for the religion in this country. Since the early days of the Spice Girls, Posh has famously been a practicing Satanist and so all just assumed that husband David had followed in her footsteps and pledged his soul to the dark master for a shot at fame too. This latest revelation however casts doubt on the whole relationship, as Scientologists are not exactly renowned for playing well with others. “Satanism isn’t even a real religion,” founder L. Ron Hubbard exclaimed in an early manifesto, “in fact it’s borderline science-fiction, dreamt up by some nutjob fifty years ago when his trashy novels failed to find a decent market, even in the intellectually devoid United States!”

Quite how Beckham intends to pursue this new-found fascination is yet to be seen, although since he has apparently already read and digested the 3,000 recorded lectures that make up the religious canon, it goes without says that he’s in it for the long haul now. Oldest son Brooklyn is reportedly “dead proud” of his father, and even helped him understand some of the more complex parts of the works. Building on the core belief that “man is a spiritual being whose existence spans more than one life and who is endowed with abilities well beyond those which he normally considers he possesses,” David has also claimed that he is the reincarnated spirit of Lisa ‘Left-Eye’ Lopes, who bizarrely died less than ten years ago.

What is clear is this: Tom Cruise is out of control and must be stopped. STT is happy to sit on it’s hands while the pint-sized wierdo ruins all the great American actors from the 80s, but draws the line at the Beckhams. Sure they’re not too bright but they’re ours! A scheme is in it’s early stages of inception at the moment, but to avoid Cruise discovering the plot, details must be kept to a minimum. Suffice to say though it involves a tranquiliser gun, an novelty butterfly net, and a huge one of those traps used in Ghostbusters.

“I talked with him (Tom Cruise) for about an hour last night and an hour the night before,” Beckham said at a news conference held when his deal with the Los Angeles Galaxy was announced last year. “I asked him for his advice again last week. He said that if I stared at the swirling pattern hard enough and listened the strange chanting tape I would wake up a different man,” he continued. “It certainly worked because the next morning I woke up face down on his sofa having signed over my entire family’s image rights.” This only fuels speculation that Posh Spice is planning to make her Hollywood debut in a classy movie lined up on Cruise production slate, The Thetan. Taking it’s title from corner-stone belief of Scientology, the film will supposedly show Posh channeling many people’s spirits into her own in order to reach The Bridge to Freedom. Controversy has understandably surrounded this project since day one, but in a statement today Posh was eager to denounce rumours that it is basically “alien-autopsy porn.”

Car Wars

Isn’t it nice to know that less than a year after so many Premier League footballers failed to cough up even one day’s wages for the ‘Mayday for Nurses’ charity, the boys up at Manchester United are having a weekly tussle to see who can buy the most expensive and fancy car. This also comes not long after revelations last year of the elite drinking games that go on when all these clowns get together on a night out; whoever turns up at the bar with the least cash on them, has to cover the whole night for everyone, no matter what extravagancies the others can come up with. It’s nice to know that their £100,000 a week isn’t being wasted eh?

Wayne Rooney has this week been speaking to a Mercedes dealership down in leafy Surrey, with a mind to purchase a stunning McLaren-Mercedes SLR Roadster, but bizarrely only on the proviso that they can get him one with red seats. As the world’s fastest production convertible, the hefty price-tag of £350,000 is justified by the face-melting acceleration and a top speed of more than 200 mph. You’ll be pleased hear that Rooney already owns a Bentley Continental GT, a Range Rover and a Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder, but this latest target aims to blow all his team-mates out of the water.

Not exactly a man to be outdone however, Cristiano Ronaldo has put his name on the 12-month waiting list for perhaps the only car in the world more exclusive than the majestic SLR. Having taken a shine to it filming recent Nike adverts, Ronaldo is keen to have a Bugatti Veyron of his own, despite the unbelievable £875,000 price tag. Other celebrities already enjoying what Jeremy Clarkson has called 'the best car that will ever.............. be made' include Simon Cowell and Tom Cruise; one is an evil cult leader, serenading the masses with opiates of a bright future drawn from science fiction, the other is Tom Cruise.

McLaren were yesterday available for comment, and when asked if Cristiano might be able to jump the queue, a representative had this to offer: “There is a client list which includes some of the wealthiest people in the world but he has to get in line like everyone else.”

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