Motty’s Gold Watch

Rejoice football fans throughout the country, for after this Sunday we will never ever have to suffer through a match with John Motson dribbling inconsequential crap and stating the bleeding obvious over the top again! Yay! After Sunday’s European Championships final, he is finally taking the hint and retiring, and not a minute too soon either. For almost as long as I can remember, Motson has been the bane of my football-watching existence, ruining virtually every game he’s allowed anywhere near with blinkered hyperbole and embarrassing mispronounciations.

But, I hear you shout, “he’s Motty,” “he’s the voice of football,” “he wears a sheepskin coat!” All valid points, and the guy has been doing it since 1971, so maybe I should cut him a bit of slack. I guess at one point he must’ve been good, but unlike, say, a Richie Benaud or a Murray Walker, both of whom have matured like a bottle of fine plonk stolen from Hitler’s crow’s nest in that episode of Band of Brothers which I’ve never seen the end of because the DVD always breaks, Motson has aged like an AIDS-riddled crack-whore i.e. not well. The writing has been on the wall for seasons now, but rather than malign him for what he has become, let’s remember him in his prime with some choice selections of commentary cock-ups.

'Bruce has got the taste of Wembley in his nostrils.'

‘So different from the scenes in 1872 - at the Cup Final none of us can remember.'

'It looks like a one-man show here, although there are two men involved.'

'For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all yellow strip.'

'The World Cup is a truly international event.'

‘Koller shares a hairstyle with Jaap Stam. Of course, they have no hair.’

'It think this could be our best victory over Germany since the war.'

'The goals made such a difference to the way this game went.'

'It's Arsenal 0, Everton 1, and the longer it stays like that, the more you've got to fancy Everton.'

And what a time to score - 22 minutes gone.'

'It's a football stadium in the truest sense of the word.'

'Actually, none of the players are wearing earrings. Kjeldberg, with his contact lenses, is the closest we can get.'

'Middlesbrough are withdrawing Maccarone the Italian, Nemeth the Slovakian and Stockdale the right-back.'

'The referee is wearing the same yellow-coloured top as the Slovakian goalkeeper. I'd have thought the Uefa official would have spotted that - but perhaps he's been deafened by the noise of this crowd.'

'Nearly all the Brazilian supporters are wearing yellow shirts - it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour.'

'I've just heard that in the other match Real Madrid have just scored. That makes the score, if my calculations are correct, 4-3! But I'm only guessing!'

'And I suppose Spurs are nearer to being out of the FA Cup now than at any other time since the first half of this season, when they weren't ever in it anyway.'

'I know that Gareth Barry has been told by Howard Wilkinson to take a long, hard look at these with his left foot.'

'Whether that was a penalty or not, the referee thought otherwise.'

'England will be having Sweden for breakfast.'

'I've lost count of how many chances Helsingborg have had. It's at least five.'

'This is the biggest thing that's happened in Athens since Homer put down his pen.'

'That tackle was so hard, it hurt his whole family!'

'The roof is on, but the gloves are off.'

'Chelsea haven't got any out-and-out strikers on the bench unless you count Zenden, who's more of a winger.'

'The Crazy Gang have beaten the Culture Club!'

'It's delirious! It's delightful! It's Denmark!'

'I can confirm that Trevor Brooking did have his own eggs and bacon before setting off.'

'England versus Germany games have often caused the tea cups to topple off the table, so those of you at home watching tonight, be careful with the crockery.'

'You can still buy tickets for knock-out games off the internet. That's if you know how to. I certainly don't.'

'Oh, that's good running on the run.'

P.S. No thanks whatsoever go out to the Daily Facist by the way for providing the images to accompany this piece. If any of you are reading (unlikely I know) and are upset, please choke on your Nazi carrots and die.