Fat Skeleton Out of the Closet

Out in Italy we've seen the majority of the Rooney and McLoughlin families partying on down, losing any existing dignity by the second as they celebrate the nuptials of our Wayne and our Coleen. However, what many people don't realise is that the Rooney family actually contains a couple of sheep so (mataphorically) black that they make Wayne's younger brother Graham look as refined as that guy Raef off The Apprentice.

Yes, two cousins of the Manchester United striker were actually banned from the £5million bash this week that saw even riff-raff like Wes Brown invited. How unreasonable I hear you cry! Well wait until you hear why before imparting judgement. You see young Natalie, 18, has not only pledged to imbark on a career getting her enhanced cans out for lads' mags, but actually shamed the WAGtastically hot couple last year at Coleen's magical 21st birthday party by flashing the country's media one of her sweater melons. Stephen however is a different kettle of fish altogether; is a 24-year-old gay transvestite, who often dresses up like Ginger Spice, Geri Halliwell, and as you can see from the pics, he's quite a big chap.

To voice his indignation he has also appeared in a not-at-all-embarassing photo shoot for high-brow thinking mag Reveal this week, dressed up both as groom Wayne, but also as bride Coleen, in an exact copy of her wedding dress. Stephen candidly said: “(Coleen) wants to be the princess on the biggest day of her life. She idolises Posh, but doesn’t want a wedding like hers because she thinks it was tacky with all those gold thrones. Coleen will have her best friend Claire as her bridesmaid – but she should've picked me!” Great contribution there Stephen, and thanks to Reveal for offering such a valuable insight into this important story that millions around the country were clamoring for more information on.

Obviously this all begs many questions about his sanity, but to round off the story, the happy-go-lucky brother and sister pair decided to celebrate their wedding snub by joining the legions of other complete wastes of oxygen in this country by auditioning for Big Brother earlier this year. Unsurprisingly they didn't make that cut, despite being both incredibly ugly and annoying, so what next for these two fantastic members of society? Well Natalie has set her sights pretty high: "My aim is to look like Jordan, and I’ll soon be getting them out all over the place," she threatened The Sun at the start of May. And as for Stephen, well he has recently turned down offers from Armani and Calvin Klein to model for them in favour of a promising career as a genetic scientist. Only joking, he has an interview next week to get a job emptying sanitary towel bins in a Liverpool cheese club or some shit. Someone please just sterilise them both for all our childrens' sakes; it's a pretty big red flag when you're deemed not classy enough for a Liverpuddlian wedding where the combined IQ of the happy couple is still only double figures...