Hell’s Bells

Craig Bellamy is not a particularly nice man. In the last six years, he has hit team-mates with steel chairs and golf clubs, been acquitted of racially abusing a night club bouncer, and even been cleared of assaulting women in two separate incidents. This small melting-pot of Welsh rage now faces his latest shame having being accused of attacking a charity worker in Africa this past weekend. Onlookers described Bellamy as going into a frenzy after he lost big money in a casino in war-torn Sierra Leone, home to plenty of automatic weapons and diamonds shaped (conveniently) like 50 Cent’s record label logo. Following a full day of binge-drinking, the pint-sized West Ham bench-warmer grabbed the charity worker in a textbook headlock and wrestled him to the floor, apparently forgetting that the main reason he’s in the country at the moment is to present a proposal for a football academy he intends to set up.

Bouncers eventually subdued Bellamy by jumping on him, and he was subsequently removed through a rear exit into the car park. The fracas went down in the ironically-named capital, Freetown, in the early hours of Saturday morning after Bellamy stopped into the Lagonda Casino for a quiet couple of night-caps with his two former SAS bodyguards. He’s so tough you see that he walks around with two enormous ex-soldiers, not for protection, but just in case he fancies a competitive fight if there aren’t any women or children around to cheapshot. Wasting no time, Bellamy apparently started pointing ominously at people within 20 minutes of his arrival in the casino: “He was playing on a roulette table when something seemed to upset him,” a mysteriously-English-speaking source told us. “He was shouting and squaring up to people at the table. A few seconds later he jumped on one guy and started wrestling with him on the floor. The guy involved was an Englishman who is in Sierra Leone to help raise money for a charity that works with children orphaned by the civil war.” Whatever mate, he was just some bleeding-heart trying to recycle his shoes. All I can hear is: he’s not a footballer so he’s completely worthless to society. Nice one Craig for putting this selfish fool in his place!

“Bellamy’s eyes were glazed over and he was in a rage,” the source dramatically continued. “There were casino chips flying in the air and all hell broke loose. It took the local bouncers several minutes to drag Bellamy out of the club and all the time he was shouting and screaming abuse at everyone.” Sounds pretty reasonable to me; if everyone wasn’t prepared to do and say exactly what Bellamy wanted then I think he was well within his rights to kick off. “This just isn’t the way people behave out here,” the witness said somewhat judgementally. “There are only a couple of places in Freetown where westerners can drink. The casino is popular with British consulate staff as well as workers from the non governmental organisations and charities that operate in Sierra Leone.” Ah, so Craig was upset that they were all a bunch of soft-drink-sipping pussies then as well? His case just gets stronger and stronger.

Unsurprisingly this incident might throw a cat amongst the Sierra Leonian pigeons (if they have them) when it comes to Bellamy’s football academy plans.

A different, but still unnamed, source told us today: “There were some important people there that night and they couldn’t believe what was happening. It is honourable that football stars want to give something back to the game but they cannot behave like this.”

Those of you with keen memories might recall David Beckham also visiting Sierra Leone earlier in the year, but the stupid girl didn’t even spit at or racially abuse anyone, so we didn’t give it any coverage.