George Best was one of the greatest players to ever hail from our shores. But more than that, he was also just a really great lad by all accounts, humble about his gifts and always up for a few pints with the boys despite women falling over themselves to swallow his kids. Which is why that it is even more jarring what an unparalleled cunt his waste-of-space son Calum has grown up to be. For those of you who are not riled by pointless ‘celebrities,’ please gloss over the forthcoming rant and be assured that I don’t in fact intend to track this piece of shit down and mutilate him with a claw hammer.
The conceit of this guy is just unreal. Not only does he genuinely believe he could be a professional footballer if he could be bothered, but he thinks he is so irresistible to women that now he is staring in an MTV Show where he ‘struggles’ to not have sex for 50 days. It is baffling to me how some of the hottest women in the world seem to respond to his date-rapist looks and cheap come-ons, and his exes depressingly include Kimberley Stewart, Lizzie Jagger and the divine Lindsey Lohan. The fact that he actually embraces the media epithet of “seedy lothario” tells you what a brain-donor this clown is, just wasting 11 months every year posing in Ray Bans and drinking low fat beer until he can go back on CelebrityLoveIsland to finger-bang some Page-3 tart that’s ten years younger than him.
I love that he seems to think this TV show, Totally Calum Best, will not show him to be just the most arrogant and self-centred wank-stain on the face of the planet. Calum, just a tip, but literally no-one will think more of you because you complain about how difficult it is to not have sex with beautiful women. The spiel on his website says that the Calum Best we know as a “tabloid Casanova” is in the past; “he now wants to reinvent himself and to prove to the world he is more than the above (a seedy lothario).” Well Calum I think the first step on that very long path is probably showing a touch of humility, and definitely not basing the promotion for your undoubtedly awful TV programme around cheap puns such as ‘How hard will it get?’ and the truly cringe-worthy ‘The Best is yet to come.’ I mean, come on guys, did you let Calum write those himself?
The press release continues to rile: “Each week his ‘mates’ will attempt to test Best's mettle as they deliver up temptation in various shapely forms.” So MTV expects people to essentially watch this prick around for 50 days while various men (who clearly hate him) parade cheap tarts in front of him in the hope he’ll crack and have sex with them. A producer on the show offered this inane comment to The Sun: “It will be hilarious watching him trying to leave the women alone!” I cannot underline how categorically unhilarious that scenario will in fact be.
To conclude, if everyone involved with Totally Calum Best could please just die that’d make the world a considerably better place. Thanks. Here's a hideous trailer:
Last week we watched Cristiano Ronaldo look foolish in America and also ditch busty lover Nereida Gallardo for seemingly no reason other than he’d got bored. Now however, things are starting to unmuddy themselves when it comes to Gallardo’s one-way ticket to Dumpsville. Word on the street (ok, the internet) is that the Manchester United sleezeball has fallen for Italian beauty Letizia Filippi, who he met on a yacht while actually partying with Gallardo. What a class act.
According to Italian newspapers the TV presenter and model Filippi ensnared Ronaldo right under Nereida’s nose, fixing him with a “gaze that melted him like an icicle in the sun.” Beautiful prose there guys, you paint quite a picture. Clearly eager to slime his way into her undoubtedly lacy and crotchless underwear, the Portuguese star pulled out all the stops by getting one of his entourage to order her flowers cos, you know, chicks love that cheesey shit. Asked about his intentions, Letizia laughed today: “We had dinner together with friends. It’s not bad knowing Ronaldo.” That’s what you think love, you haven’t slept with him yet.
So what do we think then boys and girls? Hotter than the audience-dividing Nereida? Personally I think this one is a lot naturally prettier, but would probably be a starfish in the sac…
The tapestry of professional football is rich and varied. People respond to different aspects of the game, whether it be the pace on the field or the inter-terrace rucking. I think it’s pretty safe to say that for STT, what makes football great is tricks; nothing beats a good nutmeg or a backheel when a simple pass to feet would’ve sufficed. As such, friendly website Footy Boots has today published the results of an online poll which asked readers just what they thought the greatest ever trick was. As you can see from below, the Top 7 are all pretty special in their own right, and its especially good to see average journeyman Lee Trundle ranking above all-time legend Diego Maradona!
1. Rene Higuita’s Scorpion Kick – 20%
Perhaps the most famous trick in history, the eccentric keeper pulled this off at Wembley in 1995 thinking that the ball was dead. Had he missed it, the goal would’ve counted but I’m sure he would’ve still laughed it off. This is the trick most responsible for kids around the country losing their front teeth back on the school playground.
Once upon a time this was Ronnie’s signature move, bamboozling defenders week in week out. Nowadays he is a pale imitation of his great self, and the likes of Eto’o and Ibramhimovic bust this trick with greater frequency. Still though it is the best piece of skill to enter the modern footballing lexicon; devilishly difficult to master and near impossible to do at the pace Ronnie does it.
3. Cristiano Ronaldo’s Step-overs – 18%
Pretty standard these days, but when you have it shoved in your face every week it’s easy to get complacent. Sure any decent player can sell a defender a step-over, but the speed of Ronaldo’s feet is just insane. The only guys that come close to matching him are similarly-moulded Portugeezers (sorry) Nani and Quaresma, plus Brazilian wonderkid Robinho.
4. The Cruyff Turn – 18%
The classic trademark of one of the greatest players of all day. As a kid it’s probably the first trick you learn but it’s still so effective. These days Cristiano Ronaldo does a kind of running Cruyff turn where he chops the ball behind his standing leg at pace to change direction, but it all started with this sublime Dutchman more than 30 years ago.
5. Kerlon’s Seal Dribble – 15%
Screaming ‘hit me!’ to defenders, this trick is the recent invention of Brazilian star Kerlon. It’s more circus sideshow than football but still it’s incredibly impressive just how fast he can run while doing it.
6. Lee Trundle Show Boating – 6%
Ok sure, he does some pretty nice stuff here but it is against League One defences. Made even less impressive by the fact that apparently Trundle used to send Soccer AM this compilation clips himself, according to former host Tim Lovejoy.
7. Maradona’s Keepie Uppys – 4%
You might think juggling’s juggling, but Maradona was the man that made it an art form and paved the way for the so-called ‘freestyle’ footballers of today. Check the stuff he does with the huge inflatable ball, its way cool.
So that’s the top 7 then, as voted by Footy Boots website readers. We’ve had a think though and reckon the following deserve a mention too. If we’ve missed out your own favourite trick, send us a link in the comments box and we’ll maybe try and do our own vote in the near future…
Anderson – Strange reverse Flip Flappy thing
It’s just amazing. There is absolutely no way I could ever do this without tangling my legs up and falling over. Pretty special.
Zinedine Zidane – Marseilles turn
The best player of our generation rightly had his own great signature trick. I think Maradona used to do it before ZZ’s time, but it was the sublime Frenchman that made it his own.
Rainbow flick
Now we’ve showcased this little trick several times before but Barcelona teenager Bojan’s cheeky move on debut is always worth revisiting. Others have probably done it with more success but the sheer bravado here is breath-taking.
Robin van Persie – Drag Flip Flappy Thing
It’s hard to describe exactly what this is but the premise is the same as Ronaldinho’s famous move; showing a defender you’re going one way before quickly manipulating the ball back in the opposite direction. See if for yourself done expertly just before the 2 minute mark here.
So there we have it. 11 reasons why you’re not a professional footballer basically.
To see a few more sweet tricks that we couldn’t find individual videos for, check out the BBC’s own handy trick resource below. Down the left-hand side of the page you’ll see several Brazilian Soccer Skills, so peep out the Leonardo, the Adriano and the Zico for sweet close control tricks, as well as a helpful video guide to pulling them off yourself. Probably best gloss over the amusingly named Frank Lampard’s Tips and Tricks splash feature on the page though…
Well there’s not really a story here other than a brief line of transfer news that I’m sure everyone has heard by now: having been courted previously by Portsmouth and Newcastle, Argentine ace Pable Aimar has now actually signed for Portuguese outfit Benfica. More importantly though, just look at this photo! For some reason at his unveiling they had him hold a bald eagle that is literally as big as him! And he loves it, that huge smile makes him look like a cartoon character!
Also, he used to be a ridiculously good player, peep below for the proof. Unfortunately for Benefica fans, he stopped trying about three years ago though:
Thanks to Anna over at thisisextratime for the great find!
Continuing the excellently homogenous style that STT is quickly becoming synonymous with, we stay in America today to highlight the press unveiling of one of English football’s unsung heroes. For those of you outside of East Anglia, it probably slid under the radar that ex-Norwich winger Darren Huckerby was tragically snubbed a contract extension this summer and basically forced out of the club he’s supported all his life. Rather than slowly expire in the Championship for a club he hates, Hucks decided to jump ship to the footballing behemoths that are the San Jose Earthquakes.
Appearing this weekend on local TV station, the futuristically-named KRON 4, Hucks was interviewed by ‘celebrity’ presenter Gary Radnich. You can watch the whole segment for yourself down here, but first read these prime slices of misguided quotage that show just how little the Yanks know about ‘soccer’ and how impressively poor their TV researchers apparently are…
Gary Radnich: He is an English legend just acquired by the San Jose Earthquakes. Look at this, if you go on the internet, Huckerby is his name. Darren is standing by, just has [sic] arrived in this country. He is a legend and, er, we will see how legendary he is with an interview. Darren, can you handle it?
Darren Huckerby: I'll do my best.
GR: OK my friend, he's a legend, next.
[Commercial break]
GR: We weren't joking, San Jose Earthquakes have just acquired Darren Hucker… er, Huckerby. He's one of the great stars from England. We will roll some of the tape and show you this man in action.
When you go on the internet, he is a terrific star, look at this stuff [video footage of Huckerby playing for Norwich City], he's got scoring ability, experience, talent, he comes from the Nor-folk team, for the last five years staring in North East England, scoring 34 goals at Norwich, just to be correct, thanks for whoever put that in, whoever put Nor-folk in start packing [laughs].
GR: OK, have you heard about this, I'm sure you have, let me set up for the audience, you supposedly, according to the internet and our international sources, are responsible for the greatest goal ever. You know what I'm talking about?
DH: Err… I don't know about that, I scored a couple of good goals…
GR: It was against Manchester.
DH: Yeah, it was a few years ago…
[Unbeknown to Darren, the viewers are shown his goal against Birmingham]
GR: We are looking at it here, man you are weaving through everybody.
DH: Yeah, like I say, it was quite a long time ago. David Beckham was playing in the other team. It was nice to win the game.
GR: I just watched it. It's the second greatest I have seen.
DH: No, it's probably in the top 100…
GR: Do you like Victoria Beckham?
DH: She seems OK to me, yeah.
GR: [Laughs] I'm just playing with you. Are you a married man, do you have a famous girlfriend we can do anything to promote?
DH: Not really, no, I'm married but she's not a pop singer, it's too late for her, she's too old.
GR: The big soccer story at the moment is that Ronaldinho has signed for AC Milan and is going to be paid $3.4m. Is that similar to what the Earthquakes are paying you?
DH: I think we tried to get him here first but I came instead, so what can you say?
Thanks to the Canaries’ fansite, the Pink Un, for the transcript. God I love American TV.
Normally American sports teams either have awesomely stupid or stupidly awesome names. For every Marlins there’s an Avalanches, and for every Steelers there’s a Raptors. A Columbus, Ohio based MLS team have however just side-stepped the whole issue however by going for the blandly alliterative: Columbus Crew. If there was a Massachusetts Mandem, Pittsburgh Posse or Tennessee Thugs then we could probably laugh it off, but as is, it’s a bit rubbish.
West Ham’s faithful hooligan firm, the ICF, however clearly found that it registered on their radar. You see, the Hammers are over on the other side of the pond at the moment to play the undoubtedly underwhelming MLS All-Stars later this week, but decided to first cut their teeth against the Columbus based Crew. West Ham won easily, but the real highlight was a 100-man brawl that erupted in the stands. Presumably MLS teams don’t have firms, but the ICF, clearly spurred on by the team’s suggestive name, worked their way up to the infamous north-east corner of the ground where the Crew’s stronghold reportedly is.
A couple of prison shanks and Molotov cocktails later and 30 Hammers fans had been arrested, and presumably subject to America’s not-exactly-enlightened view of justice. When asked for a comment, manager Alan Curbishley quite amusingly offered only this soundbite:
“We took the MLS game because we wanted to come to America. We wanted to show people what we’re about.”
I honestly couldn’t have written a better joke myself Alan so thanks for that.
Nice one to The Spoiler for the top awesome photo.
You can kind of understand why people might aspire to look like someone such as David Beckham. He’s pretty handsome I guess, really quite successful, incredibly rich, plus the chicks dig him. Living vicariously through D. Beck as his professional look-a-like probably wouldn’t be the worst life to be honest. Quite why you’d aspire to be a Sven Goran Eriksson look-a-like though is beyond me. Sure he’s been pretty successful in the past but his last five years haven’t exactly been ideal have they?
This makes me suspect that professional ‘Sven-a-like’ Derek Williams is a pretty weird bloke really, but he clearly thinks he has a pretty keen sense of humour. You see, the aging cad yesterday tricked an unwitting Mexican football club into thinking he was in fact their new national coach, giving him a tour of the stadium and even access to a training session. The Mexican football federation has subsequently warned clubs to be on their guard after Mr. Williams talked his way into Club Universidad Nacional's stadium with falsified documents which appeared to have come from the Mexican football federation.
The federation later released a statement saying that he was a double: “At the moment the real Eriksson is in the United States. The person claiming to be him is only a look-a-like. This shows a complete lack of respect.” Only a look-a-like? ONLY A LOOK-A-LIKE???!!! Now that shows a complete lack of respect! Universidad Nacional's coach, Ricardo Ferretti, clearly got the joke though, chuckling to the BBC: “To be honest I was quite amused. The fake Eriksson told me that he was watching my players ahead of his next call-ups, and I believed him!”
Should you need cheering up after, say, life-saving surgery or just want a good laugh at a stag-do, visit Derek’s very professional website. Certainly quite delusional, Williams describes his Sven-a-like persona as: “An enigmatic man of mystery…women swoon and fight for his attention, men admire and are amazed by his achievements on and off the pitch.” He reserves the true modesty for himself however: “(I am) the UK’s no. 1 look-a-like / sound-a-like celebrity double, virtually indistinguishable from ‘the real thing’ but even more surprising, charming and entertaining.” Jese Derek, with that kind of hyperbole you could maybe get a job on our writing staff should the look-a-liking gig not pay off! To book the so-called “complete entertainment package” for yourself, give him a buzz on 07941 743658, and just tell him what a “natural comedian” you think he is to get a discount.
Reason for Coolness – He looks a lot like a pirate and his nickname is El Tigre. That’s Spanish for The Tiger!
Reason for Obscurity – Unless you’re a murderous drug dealer with aspirations of pulling the strings behind a puppet government intent on draining your homeland of all profitable resources that aren’t nailed down, Columbians in general tend to fly pretty much under the radar.
Radamel Falcao Garcia Zarate, known simply as Falcao to his friends, is without doubt one of the most talented players to have emerged from South America in recent years, and it seems to be just a matter of time before the prolific striker joins one of Europe's big guns.
The 22-year-old Colombian international has attracted interest from arch-rivals Real Madrid and Manchester United this closed season, a fact which his agent Nestor Sivori is obviously not eager to play down. Reports from Argentina also indicate that a move to one of these clubs could be on the cards, with the player himself even admitting recently that he may have already played his final match for River Plate.
The ace forward was one of River's key players in their recent Clausura Championship title triumph last season, netting several crucial goals throughout the campaign. Based on his performances in 2007, Falcao was voted a member of the prestigious ‘XI of America’ in the annual survey of South American sports journalists, while on an individual level, he also came fifth in overall voting for South American Player of the Year. In total he has bagged 38 goals in 58 appearances for River Plate and at an international level he has played 15 times with 9 goals to his name.
Finally, a pointless unrelated side-fact is that, like many other famous South American stars, Falcao is a devout Catholic and leader of two church youth groups: ‘Locos Por Jesus’ and ‘Atletas de Cristo.’ Enough of that though, check here to see a handy compilation of all his 2007 goals; there are some seriously sweet ones in here so don’t miss out:
Prepare for news concerning perhaps the most bizarre potential transfer in recent memory. The word on the street is that Barcelona and Cameroon striker Samuel Eto’o shall be signing for Uzbekistan club Kuruvchi by the end of the week, having landed at the world famousTashkentInternationalAirport this morning. Plenty of pictures of Eto’o and three Barce representatives arriving have been posted on the club’s official website, fuelling rumours of a sensational transfer coup for not only the club, but also the country as a whole. I imagine most people think that Uzbekistan is a made-up country, famous only by association with everyone’s favourite foreign TV correspondent Borat, but no, it’s very much real.
As the old saying goes though, when something sounds too good to be true, it’s probably because it is…like that stripper who’s phone number turned out to just be the local Chinese takeaway. There is almost certainly zero chance of Eto’o actually signing for Kuruvchi, despite the impressive fact that they finished second in their national league last year.
You see, over the last few years several Barcelona players have been invited to Uzbekistan as part of an agreement by the Spanish club to help the development of football in the country formerly ruled by the Soviet Union. It would seem therefore that Kuruvchi have seized the opportunity for some great free publicity by insisting transfer negotiations with Eto’o are ongoing, fuelled by reports from Spain that the striker is surplus to requirements at the Nou Camp.
The club’s sporting director, Bahtier Babayev, is still keen to insist that: “Eto'o will arrive in Tashkent on Thursday and he will sign a contract with our club, at least up until the end of 2008. The term of the contract will depend on our performance in the AFC Champions League. We will play Saipa in the quarter-finals and Eto'o is our main purchase before the knockout stage of the tournament.” Barce have obviously been quick to rubbish these claims, but listening to Babayev, it sounds like a deal has already been done.
Surely somewhere in the world someone slightly more prestigious than Kuruvchi must fancy having Eto’o in their squad next season?!
According to reports today, big wigs at the Thai-ownedManchesterCity are turning to the wondrous art of feng shui in an attempt to boost their trophy-winning potential. Presumably inspired by the recent underwhelming return of Indiana Jones, so-called ‘magic’ crystals have been buried under the Eastlands turf to, ahem, ‘energise’ the team’s players. Several have already been planted deep underneath the centre circle, and dozens more will be hidden elsewhere around the pitch before the season kicks off on August 16. Quite what these ‘magic crystals’ look like or where they come from is anyone guess, but I do know that if they’re short, there’s a guy who hangs out behind Liverpool Street tube after 10 o’clock who’ll do you a gram of them for 40 squid.
Bosses quite reasonably believe that the crystals will turn the stadium into a hub of “positive energy and harmony,” and a further 100 crystals will also be placed on concrete posts circling the ground. A nameless club source offered this understatement to The Mirror last night: “It's really bizarre behaviour.” The new Thai owners apparently love the superstitious principles of the Far East, and the hope is that the crystals will improve the team's overall performance and ultimately lead to financial abundance.
Unfortunately we were not privy to the secret crystal-burying ceremony earlier this week, but a different (still anonymous) source helpfully said: “They used a special tool and sunk several crystals into the ground beneath the centre circle.” Executive Chairman Garry Cook now plans to also adopt feng shui throughout the 48,000-seat stadium, with reception areas, offices and the club shop being filled with lucky fortune trees, three-legged money toads and buddhas as we speak. The newly-cynical source continued: “The stadium is littered with these bizarre symbols. It's hilarious, one of the fortune trees still has the tag on, it's from B&Q for £24.95. But if it helps us to win games, then who cares?”
Finally, here’s some gypsy mumbo-jumbo from professional feng shui practitioner (read: unemployed) Simon Brown: “Crystals come from deep inside mountains and have a strong energy. Putting them under the pitch will bring that energy on to the field. The three-legged toad and lucky trees are aimed at promoting financial success. But if they really want to affect the players they should change the colour of their jerseys. Teams who wear red like Manchester United seem to win far more often than clubs in blue.”
Great contribution, thanks for that Simon. Now get back to making trousers out of hemp.
The conceit of this guy is just unreal. Not only does he genuinely believe he could be a professional footballer if he could be bothered, but he thinks he is so irresistible to women that now he is staring in an MTV Show where he ‘struggles’ to not have sex for 50 days. It is baffling to me how some of the hottest women in the world seem to respond to his date-rapist looks and cheap come-ons, and his exes depressingly include Kimberley Stewart, Lizzie Jagger and the divine Lindsey Lohan. The fact that he actually embraces the media epithet of “seedy lothario” tells you what a brain-donor this clown is, just wasting 11 months every year posing in Ray Bans and drinking low fat beer until he can go back on 
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