I’m a WAG, Get Me Out of Here!

The great thing about WAGs is that left to their own devices they just become primal nymphomaniacs, incapable of anything approaching rational thought without either a man or a camera to tell them what to do. At least that’s how The Daily Fascist views them anyway, with “sex-starved” Carly Zucker and Nicola McLean apparently already falling apart in some jungle as part of some pointless reality TV show. The pair have reportedly been growing close (see where this is going?) after confiding in each other about how much they miss their men.

The delicious Zucker, somehow engaged to Chelsea brain donor Joe Cole, fantasised about what she would do when she got home to him: “Oh, I can't wait to jump into bed and feel him. I want to get my hands on his buff body. He’s so soft. I just want to be touching him and kissing him,” she drooled. The slightly less classy topless model McLean, dating the slightly less glamorous Peterborough United player Tommy Williams, sighed: “Oh, don't get me started. I've been thinking about that too!” The 32G-canned blonde continued: “He's in for a real treat when I get out of here. This is the longest I've ever gone without sex with Tommy and I really miss him.”

Nicola and Carly seemed to hold each other’s gaze at this moment, perhaps a little bit longer than one might suspect of two women who’ve only known each other a fortnight. “Do you ever feel like you wanna just let it all go while you’re out here? Take a break from reality and everything at home?” Carly asked her, the moonlight embodying her words with a serene power. “We both miss our men so much,” Nicola said, gently massaging Carly’s back, “but they can’t be here, and we both have needs.” She paused. “They’d understand wouldn’t they?” Carly stared deeply into Nicola’s eyes and seemed to dive into the luxurious pools that were her irises, before subtly arcing her head towards the busty temptress and whispering: “make love to me; make me feel like a woman again.”

The pair shared a longing kiss, and Carly drizzled her tongue along Nicola’s soft lips as she manoeuvered her hands around the blonde’s ample bosom. Carly let out an almost imperceptable moan as her legs slowly parted, and Nicola cradled the back of her head and began softly kissing her neck. Carly’s whole body tingled with anticipation, as Nicola’s fingertips danced down her firm stomach and milky thighs, before confidently sliding her bikini aside and holding Carly’s moist and engorged…

WOW, sorry about that folks, I don’t know where that came from. People in the office are looking at me in quite a strange way now.

Anyway, in other Zucker-related news, it’s actually really hard being rich apparently, so I’m happy I live essentially in a bin, with no food in the fridge and a rising tide of septic water in the kitchen sink: “Money can be a burden, that’s why I got stressed last year,” she lamented. “I had too much too soon. I could choose what I wanted and so I ended up indecisive. I had a massive house that I couldn’t control or clean, it took all day.” Boo-fucking-hoo love.

“Chins without beards deserve no honour” – Spanish Proverb

It seems strange that 20 or 30 years ago almost every footballer had a beard; it was a status symbol, and chicks used to dig it. Why though now has it taken STT two weeks of fervent list-making to compile enough Premier League footballers with beards to even justify this article? We wanted to show that some guys around at the moment still have that hippie swagger, casting out the razor in favour of a handy place to store undigested foodstuffs.

Is it that generally the beard is no longer is fashion? Perhaps; the so-called ‘metrosexual’ society in which we live encourages men to embrace their feminine side more and more, thus body hair in general is frowned upon by all the cool cats in China White. STT can’t help but feel though that this trend originally came from most of those pre-pubescent posers not actually being able to grow beards in the first place due to lack of testosterone. Ask any woman and trust me, chicks dig the beard no less than ever before, and will practically beg you to go twos-up with their best friend or sister at the mere sight of any chest hair.

Just ask Hollywood if you don’t believe me. The biggest hunks of the last ten years or so have at some stage all proudly rocked the chin-warmer; Leonardo di Caprio, Brad Pitt, Christian Bale, George Clooney, Jonny Depp, Jake Gyllenhaal…even David Beckham was seen representing almost as soon as he joined the LA Galaxy, and he knows style!

So who can we give a shout out to for keeping it masculine and hairy in the Premier League at the moment? Well many reliable stalwarts such as David James, Mido, Wayne Rooney and Jermaine Pennant are currently pretty clean shaven, so they’re out. This is gonna sound ridiculously racist, but looking at photos of many of the black players we’d noted, it’s actually pretty hard to tell! Sulley Muntari, Kolo Toure, Chris Samba and Michael Essien kind of do, I think, but it’s too difficult to call week-to-week. Ryan Giggs gets a commendable mention for being literally the swarthiest man I’ve ever seen, and rumours of him having to actually shave at half time some weeks to stop from being overcome by fur by the final whistle have never been denied to my complete satisfaction.

So it’s a very sorry state of affairs then. Just three consistant beards as far as I can see, and even the greatest of them all, Mellberg, dabbled with smooth-chin-ness only a couple of years ago! What is to be done people?!

STT can do nothing but direct you towards some of the great footballing beards, past and present, in the hope that maybe you’ll be convinced enough to take the plunge yourself…

Contemporary:

Djibril Cisse ‘dragon’

Gennaro Gattuso ‘wife beater’

Abel Xavier ‘tribal’

Old school:

Jimmy Hill ‘rapist in a mackintosh’

Ricky Villa ‘pimp daddy’

George Best 'the name says it all’

Socrates ‘seriously relaxed’

Alexi lalas ‘america’

Roberto baggio ‘evil wizard’

Cheryl Stands By Her Man

Cheryl Cole came out in the papers yesterday, voicing her support for her unfaithful husband Ashley. The word is that Ashley Cole knocked boots with Aimee Walton (see below) back in early December, pulling her with the romantic line (delivered by one of his mates) ''Ashley wants you to go home with him". Classy. There are also unsubstantiated claims that the once the rumpy-pumpy was unconsumated, due to Cole's level of inebriation, leading to Ashley spewed his guts out all over the floor. Maybe there was a cup involved somewhere along the way. Or he'd been playing Jeff Stelling's drinking game beforehand.

Aimee - Tranny alert!
Cheryl - Definitely not a tranny.

These revelations have led to a series of other skanks coming out and claiming that they too have had a bit of the 'Cashly-loving'. Cheryl's reaction to these sordid stories was to kick Ashley out of the house, but now has apparently forgiven him. The amount of 'hush money' Ashley has given some of these girls varies from £3,000 to £10,000, but it is likely he gave Cheryl a bit more.....

She's far too good for him. But not for STT! Ashley Cole hasn't got shit on us - we're 50 times smarter, richer, have better cars and can take a punch. We're better at football, too.

UPDATE:

The always reputable king of the Redtops, The Sun, has provided some more juicy gems of tittle-tattle. Including:

• Ashley slapped Aimee's bottom so hard his platinum wedding ring left a mark

• 'My friend was going mad but he just smiled and said to me 'She should be privileged'.
  

• 'His T-shirt was covered in sick and he took it off. I remember being really disturbed by how violently ill he was.'

• Aimee said 'He's wild and really rude in bed. He knew exactly what he was doing and was pretty good, despite not being very big.'
  

• 'We started having sex but it wasn't long before he said he felt sick again.'

• 'Then he just rolled over and vomited on the floor, all over the cream carpet. It was disgusting.'

Sweet!

Ashley's ride is too hot for Cheryl

'bit to the left love'

Poor Cheryl Cole. It's bad enough being married to a footballer on £80,000 a week, but it's going a bit far when they expect you to accept ostentatious gifts. She refused Ashley's offer of a £150,000 Bentley, claiming she didn't deserve it. Why not? What does she feel like she's done, or hasn't done? Just being a celebrity beard is effort enough, I think. Or just maybe there weren't enough diamonds in the ashtray and not enough gold in the paintjob.

Still, we support her dogged determination in the face of such aggressive gift giving, but we here at STT feel like we could offer Cheryl a more... er ... suitable ... er ... ride. I've got a clapped out old G reg nova with no MOT and plenty of rust under the arches. Oh, and some wee Jakey's pinched the windscreen wipers and the hubcaps. And one of the wheels. It'd remind her of the estate back home.